cw talk of suicide below

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One week ago from now, I fully intended to die today. Some part of me always knew I was supposed to, and I knew exactly how. 2025/11/19.
I've been here too long.
The psychosis, hallucinations, trauma, nightmares, chronic pain, depression and heart disease have been kicking my ass for some time now.

I'm not sure why I didn't go through with my plans. I wish I could give a sappy happy reason, like I want to live for my friends or family, or even my headmates. That somehow the words of the people I spoke to reached me and gave me some drive to keep going.

But none of that is true. I don't know why I'm still here. I don't know if it's cowardice, the fear of what people would think or what would happen to the people I cared about, or the guilt from the idea of taking my headmates down with me. If they could go on without me I think I'd have gone through with it.

Maybe it's because I saw a stranger on the internet I cared about take their own life a day before I planned to take mine.

For whatever reason, I'm still here. And apparently I've still got shit to do.

So for now I'm sticking around for another year.
- Jackie