Short description: A story about a group of friends, Jason, Sam, Ricky and Mark entering college. Things get more complicated as they meet new people and begin questioning their sexuality.

This is part 4, the day after. This is only half a day, but I wanted to keep my entries to about the same length, so chapter 5 will pick up right after. Enjoy.


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Chapter 4: The World Is Against Me


Jason

Jason woke up tired the next morning. He didn't really felt better than yesterday; in fact, he felt worse because he didn't have much sleep and he skipped dinner last night. His stomach made sure he remembered it right after he regained consciousness. At least, he didn't cry anymore. He couldn't anyway, but now he felt more...resolved to the fact that he was alone.

He lifted himself out his bed and managed to stay up. His head felt heavy, his back was pained every time he crouched and each step he took, his feet barely lifted of the ground. He cursed himself and growled as one of his toenails hit the side of his bed. He kicked the wooden part furiously even though he knew the bed would win and he'd hurt himself more. He walked mechanically to the bathroom and pulled himself behind the curtain of the shower after stripping off all his clothes. He was still in yesterday's clothes, of course.

He took a good look at his naked-fur body, having no rush to carry out even the simplest tasks like showering. He always hated the way his body had grown. Ever since high school, he witnessed lots of fur around him were starting to gain some shape, while his body stayed flat like a wall. Besides being tall, he had nothing that gave him an advantage: he was skinny, poorly build, not really tall shoulder, with the most common shade of fur for his kind. He had tried anything: eating more, going to the gym to build up, try to brush his fur in a fancy way... He stayed the same, stuck in his own self-hatred image.

He let the water run and hit the shower head away from his body, realizing it was too cold. After a moment, the water at his feet just heated a little, but still felt cold. "No warm water; well this is just great!" He furiously dove his head under the icy water and washed himself quickly. If he felt sleepy before, he sure as hell was awake now; he swore he could feel the cold manage to get through his torso, stroking his heart mercilessly. Three minutes and he was done; his personal best.

He exited the bathtub, shivering, and apprehensively went inside the dryer. His body finally got the warm it needed again but it was little comfort. His mind still felt empty as he gazed at nothing but the air that surrounded him. His sense of view still worked, but in vain because no neurotic activity was behind it to analyse nervous impulses coming from his eyes. He felt like he wouldn't move even if something was thrown at him. He was too tired, lacked of energy. His will was pulled right out of him as he remember all the failed attempts to get better, to finally find himself free, accepted and loved.

He didn't feel like going to school, but he didn't feel like doing anything else either. 'Everything lost its purpose long ago', he thought. All he was doing day after day was going through the motions in hopes that someday he will feel good, that everything would just change for the better. 'But it didn't and won't happen. So many things have gone wrong now and if I could just start over again, be somebody. Someone I'd be proud of.' The dryer suddenly stopped, he noticed, leaving his long pointy ears to listen to the painful silence of his empty house.

He found the strength to look at the imitation of his entire being; the reflection of his soul, disguised and trapped into flesh and bones, never to be freed of his condition. 'Hydrogen, oxygen, carbon and nitrogen: four important component of the human body that represents 95% of the organic compounds; filled with 80 percent of water alone. All the characteristics we are born with are decided by only a sequence of four types of molecules held in what's called ADN', he thought. All that, he knew because he had to, but found no interest in it now.

'It's not because you know about your conditions that you can change anything.'

He looked fuzzy again, head fur hanging like springs in all directions. He took his brush and fixed some of it, but his fur fought back. He threw it in the air and the red-covered-in-orange-fur object bounced back from the wall and found a way to get in the sink, making a loud sound throughout the house. "What's the point, damn it!" He clenched his paws into fists and looked in the mirror with a hateful glare. He bid his lips in frustration in such force that he could taste blood inside his muzzle, slowly but painfully sliding around his tongue. "I hate you! ", he said still looking in the mirror.

He covered his naked body with some underwear and the first T-shirt and pants he found in his commode, not bothering to look at himself to have second thoughts about his appearance. He didn't care anymore; he would be alone anyway. He ate breakfast in silence in his empty kitchen, his back bent down a little forward so his head was barely above his bowl of cereal. Even his tiredness couldn't keep him from bolting down his food like it was his stomach controlling his body, no longer his brain. He ate 'till he was filled and made his way to the entrance with his backpack.

He got down again in his room, almost forgetting his iPod touch; he had to get his daily music rush in his veins to wake up in the morning -like caffeine for others- as all the instruments playing in harmony eased his self-depressed attitude and gave him hope-

He heard a loud honking sound from the basement that seemed to be coming from outside. He hurried back to check out the window to see Mark's car up front through smoke coming from the still running engine. "Damn, that's right." He patted his head with force, locked his door and approached the still noisy car of his friend.

"Hey Jason, s'up? Too early for you? You know I've waited for more than five minutes now."

He ignored his comment and growled weakly as he got on and buckle up. Mark was looking at him with a goofy grin that soon faded as he knew he would get much more reaction from his friend. He engaged himself on the boulevard silently. Jason just looked out the window with a sad expression on his face. Clouds as gray as the building were covering the sky in the early morning, giving no chance of light getting through. The monochrome surroundings showed no sign of life as the city engulfed every bit of green areas. Time seemed to repeat itself as they sank further through the endless crossed streets because each houses, each street lamp, each road looked the same. All he could notice different were those over lighted signs that announced the name of shops and stores as a meaning more of publicity than a help of location.

He listened to the roaring sound of the engine and the whistle of the wind getting to his upper-body from the opened window. He imagined what it would be if he just jumped out that same window, the feeling he'd get in mid air, just before hitting the pavement of the road full force and sliding until no further movement was to be allowed by the friction of his skin against solid asphalt. He was clearly depressed to think of something so absurd. The light turned red in front of them.

"So... Jason." Jason turned his head back and noticed Mark did the same, making sure to have eye contact with him. Jason looked in Mark's blue eyes, returning the uncomfortable glare right at him.

"Did you fight with your folks again?" The question surprised Jason because Mark would normally do anything to avoid talking about serious things. Then again, he could just be asking out of curiosity because he knew he looked like a vampire.

"Nothing to be concerned about", he said a little annoyed. "The usual."

Mark considered him for some time and then turned his head back on the road as he realized it turned green again and some furs behind were honking at him. He turned his head in surprise; he looked more surprised by the sound than by what Jason had said.

"Ah, well you know how they are... Happens to me all the time", he said with a neutral tone.

Silence got back between them again as Jason waited for his friend to say more, but that was the end of it. He didn't expect more anyway. Jason didn't want to talk either; he just wanted to know someone would care. He returned his gaze to the unattractive surroundings, not knowing what to look at. Mark opened his stereo and put in his favourite album, looking as bored as Jason.

The wolf soon changed the subject by talking of the classes he'd taken and how rough it would be now because of the rumours he heard on the teachers he had unfortunately been assigned to. Jason obliged to answer from time to time with a "yeah" or "me too", but nothing really encouraged him to take position like he used to with Sam. Even though he considered Mark as his best friend because they've know each other for so long now, the fox have never felt dull moments like this with Sam. They'd always have something to make the other laugh, and wherever they were, they always had fun.

[...]

There was this one time, he remembered, when they had snuck out of class and went around town just the two of them. They were in chemistry and it was a particularly hot day, since it was almost summer time. The vacations were soon coming and the classes became boring as most of the last courses were only revision ones. Sam had just said to Jason one day with his low voice "hey, how about we sneak out of here while the teacher is distracted. It's damn too hot to stay in this stove anyway."

Jason wouldn't normally do those kinds of things, but it was a particularly hot and boring day. Also, there was this light in Sam's eyes that encouraged him to go along. They successfully managed to get out without anyone noticing, laughing out loud when they were out of hearing. They walked outside casually; the strong spring wind eased a bit the warm they felt earlier in class, but it was still hot outside because of the sun.

"I know, we should totally go to that ice cream shop on broadway street! That should cool us off."

"Ya, sure, why not", responded Jason with enthusiasm at the mention of his favourite dessert, ice cream. "It shouldn't be crowded like at the end of a school day because we aren't supposed to be off yet", he said while giggling like a child who have done something wrong but enjoyed it.

"I guess you're right..."

They arrived at the small shop with posters all over the walls of different kinds of flavour. The walls were all white, like they wanted us to think we were surrounded with snow to help us cool off. The shop was indeed crowded in the summer, and because the shop wasn't all that big, sometimes they had to wait outside in line to get their treats. Now it was empty and quiet and that made Jason nervous for a reason he didn't know.

"I'll take an ice cream vanilla and chocolate cone, with raspberry syrup on it, with chocolates chips too, and oh, the biggest size you have, please!" Jason licked his lips at what he ordered.

"Coming right up", said the employee.

"What are you going take?" ,the fox said tilting his head.

"I'm 'only' gonna take a blueberry slush, if I compare it to your order. I think you forgot to mention to add peanuts on top of it."

Jason laughed brightly, but noticed Sam had just challenged him. "I'm sorry, could you add some peanuts sparkles on it please?"

"Sure", the waitress said with a playful look in her raccoony eyes.

Sam couldn't help showing a grin on his face and shook his head. "You're unbelievable, you know that? I sure would feel sorry for your wife."

"How about yours; you take a drink with radioactive blue raspberries!"

"What, it's not radioactive!"

"Sure it is; you know blue raspberries don't really exist. It must be how they make it." Jason stuck his tongue out at Sam.

"First of all, radioactive elements are always falsely represented in a greenish glowing substance in those cartoons, not blue. Second of all, my aunt actually works as a chemist and already worked with uranium. One day there was an accident where she had overheated a test tube that contained some of it and it literally exploded. She had received some of the mixture in his hairs and they said they had to cut the parts exposed because they were radioactive. But her hair never changed colors!"

"Really?" Jason didn't see that coming. "Alright then, how do YOU explain it?"

"GMO, of course. Now, they can choose to grow only yellow corn in their fields to add more flavour to it, so why not on raspberries?"

"Because yellow corn already existed before they decided they'd all be yellow. Where do you see your blue in a raspberry?"

"Well, I could have explained it to you, but I guess we just skipped chemistry, so we'll never know..."

They both laughed at Sam's comment and the waitress, having heard of their conversations, brought both orders to them. They paid separately, and even though the store had air-conditioning, they decided to walk outside. They found a comfortable bench in the park near school and relaxed in the shadow that the trees were making. Of course, Jason had already devoured his cone by the time they got there, and was soon panting again in the warm air of the day. They still had time left, and Jason got an idea.

"Hey Sam, you know the house on Stuart all painted in yellow?"

"Yeah, I know where it is. Why?" Jason could see the confused look in his eyes. He couldn't help but apprehend what Sam would say.

"Well I heard the owner of the house moved out and it was still for sale. They have a pool in the backyard." Jason grinned in the corner of his muzzle.

"What are you getting at?" Sam took the last gulp of his blue mixture, eyes still on Jason.

"Wanna dip in?"

"What? You crazy; what if we get caught?"

"We won't because there's simply no one living there. Come on!"

"Uhh... I'm game, but it's just... I don't want to get my clothes all wet. My mother will ask questions once I return home."

"Then just leave 'em outside." Sam stood still, no moving and inch, considering the idea. He was about to disagree, but Jason didn't let him. "What's the matter; it's not a big deal. Let's go now or we won't have time anymore." He took his paw and lifted him up the bench. Sam made no move of letting go, beaten by the condition of the weather.

"You sure nobody's here", Sam said as they arrived in front of the house.

"Yeah, maybe. What's the worst that can happen anyway?" The otter still wasn't sure but Jason knew he wouldn't just let him go all by himself. "I'm sure you could outrun them if something happens, right? You're the fastest otter I know!

They silently snuck in the backyard and Jason began to strip off. He was soon left with his underwear but didn't want to wet them so he kicked them off as well. He dove right after, not wanting Sam to back off now. He felt so much free and invincible at the present moment that his needs overtook his reason. He didn't feel that good for a long time and he was happy to share his craziness with someone. He finally had the cooling he needed.

Jason's head resurfaced again, with his wet fur blocking his view. He tugged them aside to look at Sam. The otter still hesitated, so Jason shouted "come on! The water's good!" With that, Sam quickly shove all his clothes off his head and legs, back turned to Jason, and immediately entered the shinny blue cold fluid with a splash sound.

"You're right; the water IS good! ", he said after letting himself get used to the sudden change of temperature. Jason knew that Sam didn't swim much because he didn't have any pool home, so he thought he would enjoy it. He disappeared out Jason's sight by letting himself slip entirely in. The fox suddenly had a hard time floating as something tickled the underside of his feet and his legs were kicking out of control in all directions.

"Oh yeah, you want to play to that game? ", he said before going underwater as well.

All the sounds of the wind were replaced by the movement of the fight underwater. Jason tried to concentrate on the brown blur he saw in front of him, having a hard time seeing in the pool. He grabbed his evil paws and swung them aside, making his body rotate so he could grab onto his tail. He knew the tail was for Sam something off limit and his knowledge was soon confirmed by the angry movement of the otter to try and get loose of his grip. After a few seconds, he let him go and soon found himself flipping around, head downside, by the otter's firm push on his stomach. He noticed how the otter was agile underwater as he lost sight of him and soon found paws on his shoulders, pushing him further down 'till he was tackled and trapped at the bottom of the pool.

Jason 'surrendered' by faking he was drowning, and once the otter let him go, he turned the tables by swimming around and making Sam's back slowly collapse on the wall, pinning him in place. Jason grinned at him in victory and found his way to the surface, followed by the exhausted gasp for air of Sam.

"You faker! You know...I would have won...if it wasn't for your...little act." He was still breathing hard and Jason couldn't help but laugh at the expression of his face. The few times they swam together, the fox realized that, ironically, the otter was more at ease underwater, but had less capacity of keeping his breath.

"It was your mistake of believing me; you know I can keep my breath longer than you."

"Whatever..."

Jason took some time looking at the otter's body. 'I don't know why he was so shy about being nude, I mean; he's not bad looking, so he should have nothing to be ashamed of.' He wasn't particularly build, but unlike himself, he could see where his muscle began and ended. His legs, on the opposite, were really sized compared to his upper body, 'but come on: who can be all worked-up about the size of his legs? Certainly not Sam! Even his sheath looked quite sized' he realized, looking through the reflection of the sun on the water.

He realized Sam was looking at his nude body too, but quickly turned his head away, not wanting to stare. Jason did the same thing, realizing he was kinda complimenting another guy's body. It wasn't that, of course; he just thought of it because he didn't feel particularly attracted once naked himself. 'Furs' nature is always about comparing, even though they do it unconsciously', as he remember words from an English teacher.

They both perked their ears as they heard a car parking somewhere. The direction from the sound got more obvious once they heard "I always loved the look of this house, and since it was near my job, I thought I'd take a peek." "Don't worry: you don't have to decide today." 'A visit; fuck, that means they're coming this way'. They both silently waded to the nearest border of the pool and got out in a rush. They fetched their clothes and put them on in a hurry, stressing each other out by seeing it was quite difficult to put their layers back when wet. They forgot about covering their torso as they heard "and this is the backyard; you can see it is long enough for your needs and doesn't have enormous trees to block the sun. -Hey, what are you two doing!"

They ran side by side, still wet and half naked, to the passage outside that lead them in the street, giggling at the closeness of being caught off nude. They stopped running after rounding the street, seeing no one was chasing them up. Jason still remembered the pain in their muscle cheek because they couldn't stop laughing out loud in the middle of the street while they struggled to cover themselves properly and try to dry up. It was one of the days Jason had the most fun, for sure. He never had fun with Sam like that since then, and...he didn't even see him after that day because he said he had to study, he remembered.

[...]

"Are you going to stay in the car or what?"

Jason looked besides him to find Mark staring through the open door of his car with a questioning look. Actually, he was bent down a little so he could see his face, his giant body easily exceeded his car's height. He was waiting for him to get out so he could lock his doors. "Yeah...sorry. Just...give me a minute." He fetched his bag and exited silently.

They parted ways to go to their separate lockers and Jason slowly took out his stuffs even if he was almost late for first period. He found his local and went to sit at the back. He didn't even remember he had his class with Sam before he saw him entered a few minutes late. Hopefully for him, the door wasn't locked. He slowly walked from the front, searching for an empty seat. Sam was hesitating to come towards him when he noticed he was sitting alone at the back. Jason avoided the image of all his grief and sorrow by looking out the window, trying to pretend he didn't notice him. Finally, he saw Sam on the corner of his eye took his breath, heading his way.

He heard a loud "MORNING" as the teacher made his way to the front desk, making jump some of the students. Mr. Swanson had the reputation of being too cheerful during class hours: some furs liked it as it boosted their motivation and kept them from falling asleep; other only found him annoying. Jason considered himself in the second category.

He wrote his name onboard and made the classic stupid joke: "If you misspell my name in one of the essay assigned, you will lose 10% of your grade." He laughed at his own joke as some student considered him with a strange look. The wolf then presented himself and the objectives of the class, but Jason could not obviously repeat a single word of it. Considering his loud voice, Jason was amazed on how he could lose his concentration and interest so easily. He just heard it like a noise, pressing constantly in his head on the headache he was beginning to have. He tried his best not to look beside him, so he trailed out towards the clouds again.

Later on, his M. Swanson distributed copies of a book called 'philosophy of the past centuries' and asked us to read it silently. Jason did what he was told, but soon got bored of all the course of thinking explained by the author himself to conclude that 'I think therefore I am'. He didn't understand any of it so he gave up. Soon after came the explanation.

"It is simply logic reasoning. Now, for the next hour of class, you do the same. I won't ask you to do any complex logic thinking like the one we just read, but I want you to try and make reasoning about life in general. I could be anything; I won't restrain you, so be creative. By what you chose to talk about, it will help me know you better. You can team up if you like, but don't waste talk on something else..."

'The fox is clearly enjoying himself in front of the classroom, telling us he can see through us depending on what we are going to talk about.' He shook his head, taking this opportunity to catch his sleep by bringing his backpack onto his desk and pretending to fetch up something from it while he let his head collapse with the hard wooden desk. He didn't care; the material was feeling like a soft pillow in his state of tiredness.

Before he closed his eyes, he saw Sam open his mouth as to say something, but must have reconsidered since no word came out of it. He actually was asleep in a matter of seconds.


Sam

'I was about to ask him to team up with me, in a hope that even if he was still mad, I could still talk to him and I would find my opening to apologize. Instead, I saw him grabbing his schoolbag. I thought he was about to leave and I fought my urges to grab his shoulder and try to convince him otherwise, but instead his head just collapsed on his desk, followed by a loud sound. Seriously, I'm surprised so few furs turned their heads to see where it was coming from.'

Sam brushed the back of his head, a little embarrassed by all the attention. Once they stopped looking, he sighed. He was kind of ashamed of himself to consider it, but he thought he could contemplate Jason all he wanted now that his eyes were closed. 'He isn't bad looking for a fox. I mean...for a guy...', he corrected himself. He didn't know what to think anymore. He considered Jason as good looking even if he didn't know why. He couldn't list all the things he liked about his body, he was just...attracted to it. Hell, he didn't know if he was even gay, but he couldn't deny that.

He shook his head three times to make sure he was back to reality. 'It couldn't be it, it can't be that simple!' He swept his eyes across the classroom to search for girls that he could consider pretty. He spotted a fennec, the color of sand on a beach, with long pointy ears; a small dog with white fluffy fur all over her; a giraffe with clearly oversized boobs... Sure most guys would identify them as hot, including himself, but it was different somehow; it didn't do it that much to him. He wasn't the kind of guy who just wanted to stick his dick out and get laid, and unfortunately, most pretty girls knew the effect their beauty had on guys and used it to get laid with other males they considered as well attractive physically.

Even if he didn't have much experience, he wanted to have a serious relationship with someone, like you see in the movies. Someone who will always be by your side no matter what, someone who would hold you, someone to be comforted by... He was tired to be alone and reclusive. 'They say you can really be yourself until you find people who will accept you for who you are.' He wanted so much to be understood but he was scared nobody would like the fact he was gay. Only the problem still remains; he cannot be himself. Is it worth showing to others only a small part of your life, hiding the most important characteristics that defines you and explains the choices you make in life? Can a person truly be happy by only being someone others would like you to be?

Of course he knew it was wrong, he already felt bottled up enough as it was; he just knew it would be worse if he was all alone; he didn't have the strength to find furs that'd be on his side all the time. 'True friends are so hard to find these days...'

His short rounded ears caught some muttering besides him. He didn't ear clearly what was said so he made sure nobody was looking at the back of the class before positioning his head besides Jason's muzzle, still flattened on his desk. His head was turned towards him, so he could hear words now.

"...Why? Why...-ody cares? ...Don't laugh at me. ...All of y-...-eave me alone! ..."

'Why nobody cares? Is that what's troubling Jason? That means...he's not really mad, he just got tired of being...alone. That's why he doesn't want to talk to me... He wants to protect himself...'

He saw a tear formed in the pit of the fox's eye, following the curves of his maw and falling of his cheek, still dreaming. His heart sank further as he now understood his friend: he felt the same as him, misunderstood and isolated.

Jason looked quite uncomfortable now, shuddering in the air like with his fur stuck in mid-air from his awkward position. He didn't put perfume today either, Sam noticed. 'Damn it, I so want to hug him right now!' He couldn't explain it, but he could feel his pain too and he had the certitude part of it would go away once he'd make contact with his soft fur, expressing all the things he wouldn't say, or couldn't.

'It's my fault! How could I have been so self-centered when he silently suffered? I should've just let things go; I was happy before I isolated myself. That's decided then: I will find the courage to tell him! If he felt like he had no real friends, then by explaining him everything, he will understand that is not the case. Maybe he'll be shocked, but friends can forgive, can't they. The last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable but now I don't have a choice: I don't want to lose him, and the best way to do that is to be straightforward and truthful.'

"Okay students, now instead of picking up all your work, let's hear it in front of the class, one after another, beginning by you."

Jason awoke brutally as the loud voice from Swanson must have disrupted his dream.

Swanson pointed some raccoon sitting up front and Sam noticed she looked surprised. She began to read what she wrote out (not) loud so most of the class behind couldn't hear it. Jason must have caught on what was going on because he looked at his empty sheet and brushed his head fur. Once she finished, it was the turn of a team of a racoon and a fox. They read what they wrote, like asked, and Swanson was noting from time to time.

"That made sense", he said to the two furs. "Interesting... Next!" After twenty minutes of this, it was the time for Jason to speak. "You two are together? ", he asked. I was about to speak, but Jason answered instead.

"Whatever. Look, I won't read what I wrote; it's personal", he bluffed in a tired and monotone voice.

"It doesn't work like that, Mr. Furroids, like I explained in my objectives at the beginning of class, oral participation is a capital part of your grade. If you don't speak up in this class, then I'm not allowed to make you pass. You'll have to get used to it; this is how it works..."

Jason didn't look panicked at all. There was this look in his eyes, like he felt the world was against him. Sam never saw him like this.

"Fine, then!" He allowed himself to stand up from where he was sleeping only twenty minutes ago. "What does it means for me to be an adult? To me, being an adult means the abandon of any dependency anyone does need during his life. It means you are really left alone against the world, no matter how cruel it may be. You are stuck with only responsibilities to carry on that force you to make constant decisions that are irreversible. If you're unhappy in life, you're the only one to blame. It's an eternal struggle to find happiness by making the right choices, at the right time, at the right places. Friendship, love...If you're lucky enough to truly experience those, these kinds of relationship are there to comfort you because you know it's so hard to be constantly asked by the modern society to poses actions that benefits them as well as you. The fur kind is so much an unsure one that they need to help each other. No matter how independent we claim to be, we always seek someone who would decide for us, because if they make the wrong choices for you, it's not your fault. Knowing some things are already predestined for you keeps you from always asking questions to yourself, reconsidering, and regretting afterward. Even though we could say we live by ourselves, we need someone to socialize with. Even though we claim to know what we want to do in life, we seek some kind of confirmation from the world around you that share you vision. And even though we manage to plan all our lives in advance, things never work out like we intended them to. Eternal struggle against the world: that's what it means for me to be an adult."

The classes stayed silent and motionless. All eyes were on him now; it's like time had frozen for a minute. The teacher was stunned in front of the classroom. 'Where does that come from', Sam thought. Jason still looked at the wolf that challenged him to speak, with the same hateful eyes against the world. Sam was about to speak to break the tension, but the bell rang instead, dispersing furs all around the desks. Jason quickly took his backpack and made his way through the door, but Sam remembered his promise.

"Jason, wait! I thought we could-", but he was already gone. Sam didn't know what to think of his friend anymore. 'Has he changed that much, or there's just some part of him that I don't know about?' His thoughts were left unanswered as he stayed motionless at the back, watching everyone else get out in a cacophony of whispers and laughs.

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