More vent.

This pain I feel. It's hurts more than before I knew you. We don't talk anymore, but whenever we do I feel as if you have forgotten me and thrown me away. But what I hate most about that, is that you promised that you would never forget me. But now you have moved on, far on.

And you, yes you. You said that you wanted to help me, but you know what happened last time you tried to? You told me that I should see some, a doctor about my mess. Really? That only messed me up more, because that's what others told me and at first I thought the same; but now I see that I don't need to go to anyone, but really someone else around me does. Really badly. However now, I feel that some times I need to go to the hospital, because if I don't go soon I feel that people would find me after I fell.

An lastly you, the one I wished I was with most. Even though you told me that your young and unwise and still really don't know what to do or say; you still tried so hard. And to me that was enough. But when you told me that you have no control over my actions, it really scared me. I mean, I knew that you could control me really but; I just wanted to think that you could stop me if I ever needed it. But you can't. No one can.

The three of you, I love so much; but I also don't feel so good thinking about the three of you every time I do. And I see that it's no one fault, each of; in one way or another.... have finally found hope and light in your worlds. No maybe it's not pitch perfect, but it's getting there for each of you. And I couldn't be happier for each of you. And I so fucking proud of each one of you, even you little bro. You all have come far from what you all have told me. And there are times I really wish I was your sister. Seriously. I still listen to this song, you remember it? - [link] it made me cry every time I listened to it, stupid I know. But every time I did, it reminded me of those days we had together before, those days filled with shit around me, but then with laughter with the four of us. But soon I feel it will only be three. Because for me I feel that my worse times are coming for me, my gut is telling me this. Events that will, that will be worse than these? Worse than someone thinking that the world will end, living with someone that is seriously considered a physco? Living with an un-loving and supportive family? Yes I feel as if something worse is on it's way, but I don't know if I'll make it out this time. For real.

now each of you, you all have someone to go to that's close to you; but me I don't have anyone like that. I really don't. I can recall today when I was talking with my Dad about this stuff. I told him how everyone of my siblings have someone to talk to and what not, and how I can't seem to talk to any of my siblings about my problems because when I was little and I tried to no one listened or even cared at all. I told him that I know that now they're all grow up and it's different, but I still can't do it. I can't talk to anyone, either they don't believe me or they don't care. And I told my Dad that I don't have anyone like that, but all he really said what that's right, but you'll get there. It wasn't that he was right that made me sad, it was that he knew it and knew that I was depressed all these years and never did anything about it. It hurts more that you might think.

And other, other people on here keep telling me that we can talk. But people I just told you. I CAN'T! I really can't. I just can't open my mouth, or type those words.

So stop telling me that we can talk, because it only hurts me more to know that someone cares, but I can't talk to them.

Not because of you, because of me.

I'm sorry.