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2021: Rollercoasters, out of time and awareness.
4 years ago
And so does the dragon speaks, his words are very long and noodly, careful when venturing this journal!
[This journal is extremely dramatic, I guess is another way to vent I guess or simply let anyone that is on the dark about what is happening with me in the last months and also maybe help someone, I always hoped that on these journals for some reason...]
(Don't feel forced to read, is really all optional, if you are having a struggle in life, focus on yours first, you matter more than anyone else for yourself, okay?)
*Rollercoaster
These last 7 months were quite a chaotic trip for me in life, lots and lots of conflicts, with things like study, people and the worse of all with myself, is no use to hide that being distant and slowly talking less and less with a lot of people has raised questions and concerns, I am still looking for a reason of some choices I did within this year, since has been quite convolute and uncertain. Didn't know what to seek, to think, to plan, anything: started falling back in studies (still am), following a lot more impulsions instead of plans made ahead of time, this year I learned even more to feel what it is to lose friends and family, either by death or by doing choices they deemed, at worst: impulsive, primitive, manipulated. Is frustrating that even after all of that, learning from those is still a fight for me, learning the consequences of actions seems for me is been slow and unforgiving. Anxiety and dismotivation have been part of these months to me, making me go into a massive passiveness and simply become in an automatic way to live these last months.
To have an idea of how slow and how dragging this has been, it took me almost 90 days to write this journal, yet there is likely more typos and grammar mistakes than Sol Rings in MTG decks, but after being in this hiatus-like time, doing nothing so nothing wrong could happen or anyone else could complain of my ways, it really broke me at any level; with the slightest negative talk with me, resulted in an immense stress over my head, which I responded mostly in a dramatic tone and that I was being accused of something, while a few times it was indeed the case, it wasn't enough to be considered that often, but still after so much conflict with someone, always someone being upset or mad at something I did, really took a huge worn on my head. I had this plan of adding a music link from the beginning and ask to play while reading this, was gonna give videos/e-books that helped go through this horrendous experiences, maybe done some silly jokes about noodles and cups. But alas, my energy was just barely enough to spit this out and it seems it will be the best I can do in the mean time as also I did had the concern this journal would drag on for many people....
"But you shouldn't care what others think of you! You should do the frick you want." This sentence has been following me everywhere and while it holds truth in it, pretty much is not meaningful as much as it should due to the fact the same people that say this so often are some that complains about my actions the most, is not only online it really goes far as people that I must see everyday, either is class or job or a group, it reaches to a point that pleasing everyone really is a horrible way to enjoy social interactions and I took way too long to realize that. Is not too late, but is sure gonna be a hassle to regain that spark of happiness I had last year, regardless of how I obtained.
*Out of time
"Is never too late, is never over since you are so young!"
It also holds truth to it, but time unfortunately waits for no one and realizations only helps while you gain self-aware of how much time you wasted beforehand, crying over spilled milk isn't gonna help, but of course, I didn't listen, pondered about the past so many times by now that I became dull of anything that happens in the present and held little care for my future. I might finally have taken the same first step multiple times to finally try and force myself, but it really doesn't help that falling behind studies for months really gonna make this the most uncomfortable and bothersome time ever to catch up.
Stress, confusion and dismotivation really can bring you down to your knees and make something that was bad, even worse, it took so much energy to get out there and do the bare minimum to still be around. Failing classes, staying in bed for hours, neglecting hygiene, is to a point small clumps of hair starts falling out every time I cleaned myself...babbling to others when trying to socialize just a little...this is pretty a way of myself to tell me I hit rock bottom of life, ironic, not even mid 20's yet...
*Awareness
Is this journal confusing you? Is to be expected as I have extremely difficult time expressing my feelings out there, hard to explain why I did this and that because impulsions were all over my brain and now becoming so much self-aware really makes everything easily frustrating...but I guess I created enough courage to get back here and actually write something, anything, I guess learn how to (might not be the best way, but is something). This journal is not to seek validation, even though it sounds like, is not to get a pat pat of the back or anything. This journal is really to help me out express what I want to do and force myself to have reasons to do them as well. Is also give anyone who is struggling with life out there at the moment they read this journal an idea that: "Some mature early others move on late, each person is different and one shouldn't compare themselves with others that went through on what you went, age is overrated and if takes until you are 30 or 25 to learn how to live the way you want, so be it. If you wasted time, use for what you have left, because is still available for you to use. Don't let others tell you how to live, no matter how many reasons there is. Only yourself can tell you how to live." This sentence has been told by people that had a macro patient with me and stay with me for so long, bless you guys heart.
There is so much more to talk really, I wish I wanted to say something good and probably this haven't answered half of people's questions about what is happening with me for months, I tried at least and might as well try again, I kind enjoy writing these.
Now what? Well, I am very close to graduate, but since I spent the last month being passive, I need double the effort to catch up now, so for the rest of the year I will start to be sporadic out there with people, I will avoiding trying to meet new people and stop neglecting friendships and maybe try and stand up for myself for once this year...I will confront some people I still have uncertain things resolved, even if I am self-improving I need to be still strong to deal with more losses that will likely happen due to realization there is still people would rather be around me when I am not me, because it matches their views on how to socially live...yea yea I shouldn't care....but while I don't get fully cured, I guess still will...
This journal is directed at no one specifically, I have thrown myself out of the laptop to stop myself to write some of the stories that emotionally traumatized me to not sound like I am showing hate or despair towards someone or well, not have that guy to come back at me and shun at me. {Yea, still working on not letting others influence me, is still a wip...}
*Others -Not as important, but wants to talk-
((n the mean time of all of this, I had some art I got, so I am likely going to post them super soon.)
I enjoy art and will still enjoy art and get them I am not finnicky with art, I appreciate almost anything really, I am easy to be impressed and smile, I do wanna force myself to get art of other kinks instead of just vore and maybe some solo and lore art, would be nice from time to time. So likely in the future you will see something more. {Or not, I can always change my mind, I don't know, art is not my high priority, but no reason to not talk about it or get them.}
TL:DR
Too much loss in life, death and bad choices and different life styles, really made me anxious about anything, I am sensitive to criticisms because I care too much what others think of me, regardless of who is or what is. Months passed being passive made me unhealthy and distant from people that wanted to help me. So now I am back with a more different stance online, more reserved, less impulsive. Hopefully I will feel better and go back to being that wiggly woggly noodle that I enjoy being.
=I would love to add more stuff to this journal, but it will depend if myself is willing to come back and change something on it. But in the mean time...I am not fine, but I realize it and now I am trying to do something about it after 7 months of passiveness, I will get better and I hope you reader stay healthy and those who aren't...you are not alone in those stressful/depressive situations, you are still here, you matter after all, regardless what your brain says about that.=
Many love to the reader,
Changhuo, the time-traveler mailman
(Don't feel forced to read, is really all optional, if you are having a struggle in life, focus on yours first, you matter more than anyone else for yourself, okay?)
*Rollercoaster
These last 7 months were quite a chaotic trip for me in life, lots and lots of conflicts, with things like study, people and the worse of all with myself, is no use to hide that being distant and slowly talking less and less with a lot of people has raised questions and concerns, I am still looking for a reason of some choices I did within this year, since has been quite convolute and uncertain. Didn't know what to seek, to think, to plan, anything: started falling back in studies (still am), following a lot more impulsions instead of plans made ahead of time, this year I learned even more to feel what it is to lose friends and family, either by death or by doing choices they deemed, at worst: impulsive, primitive, manipulated. Is frustrating that even after all of that, learning from those is still a fight for me, learning the consequences of actions seems for me is been slow and unforgiving. Anxiety and dismotivation have been part of these months to me, making me go into a massive passiveness and simply become in an automatic way to live these last months.
To have an idea of how slow and how dragging this has been, it took me almost 90 days to write this journal, yet there is likely more typos and grammar mistakes than Sol Rings in MTG decks, but after being in this hiatus-like time, doing nothing so nothing wrong could happen or anyone else could complain of my ways, it really broke me at any level; with the slightest negative talk with me, resulted in an immense stress over my head, which I responded mostly in a dramatic tone and that I was being accused of something, while a few times it was indeed the case, it wasn't enough to be considered that often, but still after so much conflict with someone, always someone being upset or mad at something I did, really took a huge worn on my head. I had this plan of adding a music link from the beginning and ask to play while reading this, was gonna give videos/e-books that helped go through this horrendous experiences, maybe done some silly jokes about noodles and cups. But alas, my energy was just barely enough to spit this out and it seems it will be the best I can do in the mean time as also I did had the concern this journal would drag on for many people....
"But you shouldn't care what others think of you! You should do the frick you want." This sentence has been following me everywhere and while it holds truth in it, pretty much is not meaningful as much as it should due to the fact the same people that say this so often are some that complains about my actions the most, is not only online it really goes far as people that I must see everyday, either is class or job or a group, it reaches to a point that pleasing everyone really is a horrible way to enjoy social interactions and I took way too long to realize that. Is not too late, but is sure gonna be a hassle to regain that spark of happiness I had last year, regardless of how I obtained.
*Out of time
"Is never too late, is never over since you are so young!"
It also holds truth to it, but time unfortunately waits for no one and realizations only helps while you gain self-aware of how much time you wasted beforehand, crying over spilled milk isn't gonna help, but of course, I didn't listen, pondered about the past so many times by now that I became dull of anything that happens in the present and held little care for my future. I might finally have taken the same first step multiple times to finally try and force myself, but it really doesn't help that falling behind studies for months really gonna make this the most uncomfortable and bothersome time ever to catch up.
Stress, confusion and dismotivation really can bring you down to your knees and make something that was bad, even worse, it took so much energy to get out there and do the bare minimum to still be around. Failing classes, staying in bed for hours, neglecting hygiene, is to a point small clumps of hair starts falling out every time I cleaned myself...babbling to others when trying to socialize just a little...this is pretty a way of myself to tell me I hit rock bottom of life, ironic, not even mid 20's yet...
*Awareness
Is this journal confusing you? Is to be expected as I have extremely difficult time expressing my feelings out there, hard to explain why I did this and that because impulsions were all over my brain and now becoming so much self-aware really makes everything easily frustrating...but I guess I created enough courage to get back here and actually write something, anything, I guess learn how to (might not be the best way, but is something). This journal is not to seek validation, even though it sounds like, is not to get a pat pat of the back or anything. This journal is really to help me out express what I want to do and force myself to have reasons to do them as well. Is also give anyone who is struggling with life out there at the moment they read this journal an idea that: "Some mature early others move on late, each person is different and one shouldn't compare themselves with others that went through on what you went, age is overrated and if takes until you are 30 or 25 to learn how to live the way you want, so be it. If you wasted time, use for what you have left, because is still available for you to use. Don't let others tell you how to live, no matter how many reasons there is. Only yourself can tell you how to live." This sentence has been told by people that had a macro patient with me and stay with me for so long, bless you guys heart.
There is so much more to talk really, I wish I wanted to say something good and probably this haven't answered half of people's questions about what is happening with me for months, I tried at least and might as well try again, I kind enjoy writing these.
Now what? Well, I am very close to graduate, but since I spent the last month being passive, I need double the effort to catch up now, so for the rest of the year I will start to be sporadic out there with people, I will avoiding trying to meet new people and stop neglecting friendships and maybe try and stand up for myself for once this year...I will confront some people I still have uncertain things resolved, even if I am self-improving I need to be still strong to deal with more losses that will likely happen due to realization there is still people would rather be around me when I am not me, because it matches their views on how to socially live...yea yea I shouldn't care....but while I don't get fully cured, I guess still will...
This journal is directed at no one specifically, I have thrown myself out of the laptop to stop myself to write some of the stories that emotionally traumatized me to not sound like I am showing hate or despair towards someone or well, not have that guy to come back at me and shun at me. {Yea, still working on not letting others influence me, is still a wip...}
*Others -Not as important, but wants to talk-
((n the mean time of all of this, I had some art I got, so I am likely going to post them super soon.)
I enjoy art and will still enjoy art and get them I am not finnicky with art, I appreciate almost anything really, I am easy to be impressed and smile, I do wanna force myself to get art of other kinks instead of just vore and maybe some solo and lore art, would be nice from time to time. So likely in the future you will see something more. {Or not, I can always change my mind, I don't know, art is not my high priority, but no reason to not talk about it or get them.}
TL:DR
Too much loss in life, death and bad choices and different life styles, really made me anxious about anything, I am sensitive to criticisms because I care too much what others think of me, regardless of who is or what is. Months passed being passive made me unhealthy and distant from people that wanted to help me. So now I am back with a more different stance online, more reserved, less impulsive. Hopefully I will feel better and go back to being that wiggly woggly noodle that I enjoy being.
=I would love to add more stuff to this journal, but it will depend if myself is willing to come back and change something on it. But in the mean time...I am not fine, but I realize it and now I am trying to do something about it after 7 months of passiveness, I will get better and I hope you reader stay healthy and those who aren't...you are not alone in those stressful/depressive situations, you are still here, you matter after all, regardless what your brain says about that.=
Many love to the reader,
Changhuo, the time-traveler mailman
Feel free to reach out to me on telegram any time BTW, I honestly probably should try to talk with you more, I'd be happy to hear you out or possibly help you with what's going on.