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2020 was a good year for me
5 years ago
And so does the dragon speaks, his words are very long and noodly, careful when venturing this journal!
(CW: Losses, deaths, life lessons, stress, maturity, rambling thoughts, amateur writing, happiness and noodles)
A controversial title I know, time to write about it, this will be a long journal (long as my noodle's feral form size), if you are only interest on certain parts, I will make a separation on each part. I still have no skills to write a TL:DR yet, one day I will. This was written in the span of more than a week on my break, sorry if something looks like odd or confused.
When is just too much
"No reason to cry over spilled milk.", "What happened, happened, have to move on." Life works in the most unexpected ways, sometimes you are prepared and you just hang in there until it passes, other it happens out of the blue, you aren't prepared and you are left in shock in addition to other unknow emotions depending what was the event about, but there are those moments that it stacks and you have absolutely no experience or not enough to deal with a situation like that and you simply just breakdown, losing any basic ability to speak or interact with others in any sense, no matter how close they were to you. And this last 2 weeks is where was my breaking point. I didn't have mental shutdown because of the death of one of my family members, despite the most serious loss, no, it was the fact this is the 4th death of someone I was very close and friendly enough to call them almost family to me, these people helped through a lot, from helping my father to travel my dog to US, to adapting to the US culture, many supportive actions and of course happy events with me years before I was even an active furry. So it cuts deep in my heart when they are not walking among us anymore in this earth. I am, (still am) extremely uncomfortable to bring up the topic of death, the loss of someone, not from family, but surely felt liek they were family to me, but this journal brings me a bit of comfort as a way to let others that has the same problems with losses...you are not alone in this, I know how it feels...and is simply too much to handle.
These deaths didn't happen all at once, it was in intervals that was scared enough in a pattern, the first one not even fucking (RIP posting this in Minecraft Christian servers) being killed by COVID, my classmate and member of a project I was working for the college back the end of October, he was mugged and shot in the neck inside the university, it was unexpected and very saddening, funeral didn't happen because of COVID of course, so I waited for 2 weeks to visit their grave, a month later, in the exact day, while I was on a car trip, I have received a message from a family member of a elderly couple that lived on the next house, telling me that one of them has passed away, the worst part of this, I was hanging out with a friend, so I tried so hard to not let my emotions flow out, which failed miserably, making the rest of the hours quite saddening with my friend as we were having a good time and making the return quite bitter...what made that next days even more terrible it was the fact I knew for sure the other wouldn't survive, they were one of those couples of like 50 years happy together, and the first thing the came to my head was of those movies, that when one die, the other was in so much grieve it just dies from that loss. And soon enough the other did died 4 days later...imagine in a span of 1 month, you lose a young friend that I played MTG and hang out with and was even helpful with my academic life, same with the elderly couple, they helped me adapt to the American culture, tried American food (Sorry I tried peanut butter, I didn't like >w<) and took any doubt away of something I had about USA, people that helped so much...gone, taken away like they picked randomly by death. From there all the way to the end of the year, I grew cold and distant, I focused to finish my semester, get my self some extra hours of work to help with my situation and not pay attention that much with it. However at the last day of 2020, thinking it was going to be left behind, I receive a call, this time I could hear the cry and I knew what was it, at this point, I couldn't, I snapped, I fell, I just couldn't take anymore, I simply put myself in lockdown from everyone, no human being is capable of losing that many is such a small amount time, a family member died, back in my home country, so I can't even visit their grave until I travel back, but again COVID. I stayed these last 3 weeks in mental agony, in deep stress, I wanted time to work on what in the world was death doing with me. Now I am just really broken and slowly trying to go back in being the noodle I was before all this took a toll on my brain.
Recovering
"Noodle this is all too much, you don't have to write an essay about what happened to you, we just want you to come back." "You don't own anyone a big explanation like this, you should keep this all private and between close friends, why you making it public?" First this information is nothing that someone can take a lever on me, second this is only like the surface of what happened in all of this last 4 months, last it helps me to just steam off all this that I held so hard in my heart, never opened to someone about so deep it until a few days ago to like 2 friends (It took me tremendous amount of effort to open, to a point I pass out hard), thank you handsome and glutton (Won't name them because their privacy, but this adjectives will sure let them know is them), there is much more deep stuff that helped for my breakdown to happen (This being the main thing, but not all the details are here and won't be, this is really the basic of the basic I want write about it), so sharing all of this really is something that has no downside besides shaking every time I write or think about loss and death, even if was only for 1 person I would still be shaking and traumatized remembering, imagine doing one by one of my close friends or family members to I hold dear to my heart.
Now is 2021, they are not coming back and they wouldn't want me to be in this state forever, so I simply took a break from absolutely everything non-furry related, went out to do my responsabilities and work on myself among other things, plus a lot of thinking and brainstorming about my future and plans I been wanting to do. I got a long path to go, I got people that helped recover from this among other things I will not share here, but I will make certain that I aim for a set goal not only IRL, but in actually my furry life too.
Things I was too afraid to get art of or to even talk about somewhere in discord or here, afraid of judgement of others, because of losing people by mere preferences or opinions, well I am now have a very different vision on all of that, maturing about it and not letting others control what I like and such, so in a way what is in my gallery is still something I love a lot, but there will be sometimes a totally unrelated kink here and there and if someone gets triggered by that, well nothing I can't do, is what I like. (Don't worry is nothing like graphic, gore or rape or hate or any that is considered unethical, but is sure things not really popular out there >w>). I have more things to learn and mature, but I am making a lot of progress for a while~
Despise all, 2020 was still a good year
Time to talk about this year, yes COVID made everything so hard and so terrible for so many, people dying left and right, politics and simply the cancellation of furry cons and other events, despite of all of that and the isolation throughout the year, I was able to meet up new people, get close to some people, my grades went up as I had more time, started working on a nice electrician job, once I was set for this partial job, learning economics was enjoyable and very informative, 2020 had lots of ups and down, fight with friends, drama all around me, unable to work on trips I had to shift my time and attention to ways to use my time for the best and during this whole year was a lot of learning and getting more mature, make smart decisions and know when to not get involved into thing you know you cant solve it, "Sometimes the best option is to do nothing.". Instead of just getting all emotional and filled with sadness or regret, I gathered enough willpower to pull through some really bad things and learn from them and I must say, I feel a lot more strong and mature than I was back in January 2020.
Through rough times and good times you can learn to become better and improve your life, even if you still get some low points in life, 2020 is a year I won't remember by the bad things I have gone through, but rather things that made learn a huge lesson in life. My recently passed away friend gave some nice advices and words that stayed in my head, likely will be my style of how I view things in my life. If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. I am 70% sure this is from one of those famous people, even if it is, this for me is impossible to be further from truth and so far, it has helped in every way I applied for.
What now? 2021 is here
Now that I had my break, survived the breakdown, I am going down to work on what I wanted since the beginning of summer 2020. Work on lore for my 2 characters, get art about things I would to share about my dragons and kinks as well, I have made enough thought about it all, not much to share right here as it will be all posted together with art in due time, maybe animations could happen of them and maybe even meme art, because you cant ever go wrong with "Old, but gold" memes that some know very well I overuse (Because is so garsh darn relatable to me haha), this year will be a nice test for my new learned things from the last year, so in a way I see as a challenge to see if I really have matured, of course I am not fully matured, no one is and you can't prove me the other way.
Weird enough...I am expecting some people to be dissapointed of me making this journal (mainly because I am sharing too much, but this is really only the tip of the iceberg), but is something I been wanting to do about what I been through and I can't really explain in a way that is understandable for everyone on why I share of this information. Despite all of this, this journal was not made to receive condolences or to be comforted or get other type of attentions, this journal is to raise awareness, that after all I been through, I learned is no reason to give up even if as life seems to sucker punch you every now and then. Nothing stays low point forever and I have 2020 to prove me that. Just keep moving forward, like what I wrote in the beginning. "No reason to cry over spilled milk." It happened, you can be sad about, but go get another cup of milk and move on with life, there is just so much more out there than one or more events happening bad happening. Trust me it will get better, I promise.
I have no interest in making this journal a discussion or feedback place, this journal was for me mostly to help over all of this really and let anyone that went through something similar know: don't ever give up, life continues even if it seems there is nothing to accomplish for, keep looking forward reader.
N O O D L E S
Wiggling everywhere, will infest the world with all the noodles I can possibly find, with all written down, I can feel a heavy weight taken off, a handsome took the most weight out of my shoulders few days earlier, but this journal took the remaining off and now I can organize and focus on populating the furry community with noodles, muahaha, so expect more dragons in this profile, lovely way to enjoy life, with spicy noodle hehe, will work on my profile slowly, catch up with weeks of art people I watch posted, write on some comments and simply enjoy a nice spicy ramen bowl I just finished cooking while doing all of that, also I am planning to post stuff besides art, like journals and reworking my profile, don't worry it won't big or deep as much as this one, I promise, will be stuff like I wrote on my last journal really among other noodle topics hehe.
Happy late new years everyone, stay strong and stay wiggling, don't ever give up on life, there is so much more out there.
A controversial title I know, time to write about it, this will be a long journal (long as my noodle's feral form size), if you are only interest on certain parts, I will make a separation on each part. I still have no skills to write a TL:DR yet, one day I will. This was written in the span of more than a week on my break, sorry if something looks like odd or confused.
When is just too much
"No reason to cry over spilled milk.", "What happened, happened, have to move on." Life works in the most unexpected ways, sometimes you are prepared and you just hang in there until it passes, other it happens out of the blue, you aren't prepared and you are left in shock in addition to other unknow emotions depending what was the event about, but there are those moments that it stacks and you have absolutely no experience or not enough to deal with a situation like that and you simply just breakdown, losing any basic ability to speak or interact with others in any sense, no matter how close they were to you. And this last 2 weeks is where was my breaking point. I didn't have mental shutdown because of the death of one of my family members, despite the most serious loss, no, it was the fact this is the 4th death of someone I was very close and friendly enough to call them almost family to me, these people helped through a lot, from helping my father to travel my dog to US, to adapting to the US culture, many supportive actions and of course happy events with me years before I was even an active furry. So it cuts deep in my heart when they are not walking among us anymore in this earth. I am, (still am) extremely uncomfortable to bring up the topic of death, the loss of someone, not from family, but surely felt liek they were family to me, but this journal brings me a bit of comfort as a way to let others that has the same problems with losses...you are not alone in this, I know how it feels...and is simply too much to handle.
These deaths didn't happen all at once, it was in intervals that was scared enough in a pattern, the first one not even fucking (RIP posting this in Minecraft Christian servers) being killed by COVID, my classmate and member of a project I was working for the college back the end of October, he was mugged and shot in the neck inside the university, it was unexpected and very saddening, funeral didn't happen because of COVID of course, so I waited for 2 weeks to visit their grave, a month later, in the exact day, while I was on a car trip, I have received a message from a family member of a elderly couple that lived on the next house, telling me that one of them has passed away, the worst part of this, I was hanging out with a friend, so I tried so hard to not let my emotions flow out, which failed miserably, making the rest of the hours quite saddening with my friend as we were having a good time and making the return quite bitter...what made that next days even more terrible it was the fact I knew for sure the other wouldn't survive, they were one of those couples of like 50 years happy together, and the first thing the came to my head was of those movies, that when one die, the other was in so much grieve it just dies from that loss. And soon enough the other did died 4 days later...imagine in a span of 1 month, you lose a young friend that I played MTG and hang out with and was even helpful with my academic life, same with the elderly couple, they helped me adapt to the American culture, tried American food (Sorry I tried peanut butter, I didn't like >w<) and took any doubt away of something I had about USA, people that helped so much...gone, taken away like they picked randomly by death. From there all the way to the end of the year, I grew cold and distant, I focused to finish my semester, get my self some extra hours of work to help with my situation and not pay attention that much with it. However at the last day of 2020, thinking it was going to be left behind, I receive a call, this time I could hear the cry and I knew what was it, at this point, I couldn't, I snapped, I fell, I just couldn't take anymore, I simply put myself in lockdown from everyone, no human being is capable of losing that many is such a small amount time, a family member died, back in my home country, so I can't even visit their grave until I travel back, but again COVID. I stayed these last 3 weeks in mental agony, in deep stress, I wanted time to work on what in the world was death doing with me. Now I am just really broken and slowly trying to go back in being the noodle I was before all this took a toll on my brain.
Recovering
"Noodle this is all too much, you don't have to write an essay about what happened to you, we just want you to come back." "You don't own anyone a big explanation like this, you should keep this all private and between close friends, why you making it public?" First this information is nothing that someone can take a lever on me, second this is only like the surface of what happened in all of this last 4 months, last it helps me to just steam off all this that I held so hard in my heart, never opened to someone about so deep it until a few days ago to like 2 friends (It took me tremendous amount of effort to open, to a point I pass out hard), thank you handsome and glutton (Won't name them because their privacy, but this adjectives will sure let them know is them), there is much more deep stuff that helped for my breakdown to happen (This being the main thing, but not all the details are here and won't be, this is really the basic of the basic I want write about it), so sharing all of this really is something that has no downside besides shaking every time I write or think about loss and death, even if was only for 1 person I would still be shaking and traumatized remembering, imagine doing one by one of my close friends or family members to I hold dear to my heart.
Now is 2021, they are not coming back and they wouldn't want me to be in this state forever, so I simply took a break from absolutely everything non-furry related, went out to do my responsabilities and work on myself among other things, plus a lot of thinking and brainstorming about my future and plans I been wanting to do. I got a long path to go, I got people that helped recover from this among other things I will not share here, but I will make certain that I aim for a set goal not only IRL, but in actually my furry life too.
Things I was too afraid to get art of or to even talk about somewhere in discord or here, afraid of judgement of others, because of losing people by mere preferences or opinions, well I am now have a very different vision on all of that, maturing about it and not letting others control what I like and such, so in a way what is in my gallery is still something I love a lot, but there will be sometimes a totally unrelated kink here and there and if someone gets triggered by that, well nothing I can't do, is what I like. (Don't worry is nothing like graphic, gore or rape or hate or any that is considered unethical, but is sure things not really popular out there >w>). I have more things to learn and mature, but I am making a lot of progress for a while~
Despise all, 2020 was still a good year
Time to talk about this year, yes COVID made everything so hard and so terrible for so many, people dying left and right, politics and simply the cancellation of furry cons and other events, despite of all of that and the isolation throughout the year, I was able to meet up new people, get close to some people, my grades went up as I had more time, started working on a nice electrician job, once I was set for this partial job, learning economics was enjoyable and very informative, 2020 had lots of ups and down, fight with friends, drama all around me, unable to work on trips I had to shift my time and attention to ways to use my time for the best and during this whole year was a lot of learning and getting more mature, make smart decisions and know when to not get involved into thing you know you cant solve it, "Sometimes the best option is to do nothing.". Instead of just getting all emotional and filled with sadness or regret, I gathered enough willpower to pull through some really bad things and learn from them and I must say, I feel a lot more strong and mature than I was back in January 2020.
Through rough times and good times you can learn to become better and improve your life, even if you still get some low points in life, 2020 is a year I won't remember by the bad things I have gone through, but rather things that made learn a huge lesson in life. My recently passed away friend gave some nice advices and words that stayed in my head, likely will be my style of how I view things in my life. If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. I am 70% sure this is from one of those famous people, even if it is, this for me is impossible to be further from truth and so far, it has helped in every way I applied for.
What now? 2021 is here
Now that I had my break, survived the breakdown, I am going down to work on what I wanted since the beginning of summer 2020. Work on lore for my 2 characters, get art about things I would to share about my dragons and kinks as well, I have made enough thought about it all, not much to share right here as it will be all posted together with art in due time, maybe animations could happen of them and maybe even meme art, because you cant ever go wrong with "Old, but gold" memes that some know very well I overuse (Because is so garsh darn relatable to me haha), this year will be a nice test for my new learned things from the last year, so in a way I see as a challenge to see if I really have matured, of course I am not fully matured, no one is and you can't prove me the other way.
Weird enough...I am expecting some people to be dissapointed of me making this journal (mainly because I am sharing too much, but this is really only the tip of the iceberg), but is something I been wanting to do about what I been through and I can't really explain in a way that is understandable for everyone on why I share of this information. Despite all of this, this journal was not made to receive condolences or to be comforted or get other type of attentions, this journal is to raise awareness, that after all I been through, I learned is no reason to give up even if as life seems to sucker punch you every now and then. Nothing stays low point forever and I have 2020 to prove me that. Just keep moving forward, like what I wrote in the beginning. "No reason to cry over spilled milk." It happened, you can be sad about, but go get another cup of milk and move on with life, there is just so much more out there than one or more events happening bad happening. Trust me it will get better, I promise.
I have no interest in making this journal a discussion or feedback place, this journal was for me mostly to help over all of this really and let anyone that went through something similar know: don't ever give up, life continues even if it seems there is nothing to accomplish for, keep looking forward reader.
N O O D L E S
Wiggling everywhere, will infest the world with all the noodles I can possibly find, with all written down, I can feel a heavy weight taken off, a handsome took the most weight out of my shoulders few days earlier, but this journal took the remaining off and now I can organize and focus on populating the furry community with noodles, muahaha, so expect more dragons in this profile, lovely way to enjoy life, with spicy noodle hehe, will work on my profile slowly, catch up with weeks of art people I watch posted, write on some comments and simply enjoy a nice spicy ramen bowl I just finished cooking while doing all of that, also I am planning to post stuff besides art, like journals and reworking my profile, don't worry it won't big or deep as much as this one, I promise, will be stuff like I wrote on my last journal really among other noodle topics hehe.
Happy late new years everyone, stay strong and stay wiggling, don't ever give up on life, there is so much more out there.
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