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Help me overcome art jealousy.
4 years ago
I really wanted to become a good artist, but I had to give up because of my severe self doubt and negative thoughts. Am I doomed for an unsuccessful career or hobby choice or is there a workaround? Ever sine 2015, I really wanted to be a really good artist and wow everyone with my work. Typical naive young me. Years later I've come to realize that I constantly compare my work to other artists (uncontrollably) and get jealous of their talents, skills, gifts, and success. I got more frustrated than having fun. People keep saying "practice" but unfortunately that is not necessarily true. Art is not for everyone. You can practice and practice for years but not improve at all. Art requires good hand to eye coordination, natural talent/gift, dedication, and above zero self esteem. And still to this day, I beat myself up on multiple things including art. I am lost. I don't know if I should proceed with keeping attempting doing art and getting zero enjoyment out of it, or completely quitting it and eliminating the cause of the depression. Every day I go on social media and see left and right artists who are younger than me and 100 times more skilled. It hurts. It hurts a lot knowing I really wanted to become a good artist, but I will never be able to draw half as good, let alone a fraction as good. Jealousy is so toxic. I wasted years. I am not good at art. But I want to be. But also I don't want to be. I am lost. There is nothing anyone can do, yet I'm asking for help. it's like wet cement labeled "self doubt" was poured into my brain and now it became solid. All I can do is sketches. I do not have the mental capability/capacity to grasp/fathom how 2D art turns into 3D with just pencil strokes. I can watch a 20 hour tutorial and follow step by step, but fail miserably. I do not understand, I will never understand.
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1/19/22 UPDATE:
Art is definitely not for everyone so I should've known that the answer is an obvious no, Moving on.
4/3/22 UPDATE:
It fcking came back. Why. Get out of my head please. I understand I will constantly be at war with myself, but please I just want to fcking draw. Let me have fun with art, I want to be able to do it without the cringe feelings, without the jealous feelings, I want 2018-2019 back. Those were the days.
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1/19/22 UPDATE:
Art is definitely not for everyone so I should've known that the answer is an obvious no, Moving on.
4/3/22 UPDATE:
It fcking came back. Why. Get out of my head please. I understand I will constantly be at war with myself, but please I just want to fcking draw. Let me have fun with art, I want to be able to do it without the cringe feelings, without the jealous feelings, I want 2018-2019 back. Those were the days.
Though it is true that different people are often “made” for different things. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of introspecting when it comes to art-related skills. Coordination, visualization, the ability to turn error into improvement over longer periods of time and effort. All important things when it comes to drawing, and very difficult to improve on all three at once. It very well could be that you’re just not an artist, in the drawing sense. Doesn’t mean you’re not creative, or are somehow less valuable in any way. And it doesn’t mean you can’t come back and try again later when you’re in a better mental state. Things could change over time, you never know.
Your mental health should be prioritized. If trying to draw is making you suffer, and you’re doing it as a “hobby”, that’s really not good. I think a break from drawing is in order at the very least.
Try to find some other productive activity to do instead, that you enjoy doing. Make it yours. Do your thing, and be happy for the people who do the things you have trouble with.
I want to reiterate this point: You have power, you have value, you are likable. Regardless of skills or talent or anything like that. No matter if you win or lose, succeed or fail at what you try. I don’t even know you and I still know this. Because it’s true for everyone, as long as your heart is beating. So find out what you can do, and do it. And do it well.
Unfortunately my future isn't looking too bright. About a year ago I lost interest in everything and hobbies started feeling like chores. I became burnt out. Now, all I've been doing is scrolling through TikTok and playing Warzone all day. Nothing makes me truly happy anymore. I stopped eating and showering. Mentally I've hit rock bottom and continuing to dig. There is nothing left for me to do. I'm not good at anything. Except for whining, complaining, and procrastinating. I guess my talent is non-stop depressive thoughts.
I'm jealous of artists younger than me, I'm jealous of fursuiters younger than me, I'm jealous of people with more confidence and self esteem than me. I do not allow myself to think or say anything good about myself because it feels narcissistic. Art is one of the things that my mind bullies me about. Whenever I see the words "talent" or "skills" it gets triggered and I go on a mental breakdown which is completely beyond my control. At the same time, I want to be a well respected and famous artist. It's one of my dreams. Contradicting thoughts. I need to transition from thinking like this: "This art piece is 100x better than I will ever be in a million years" to thinking like this: "Huh this person put a lot of time and effort into this art piece. Cool." and move on. Doesn't stop the jealousy though.
I believe you can do better. I believe you deserve better. Let’s practice: what can you do right now, that would be better than whatever you have been doing? I believe you can make the choice to do it.
And don’t be ashamed for complaining. Your feelings are legitimate, as are the feelings you had when you wrote this journal. Remember what it was like, and recognize that you’ve grown.
Super happy that you’ve made it this far! You deserve it! Hope you continue to make good choices in the future.
К сожалению, уже сложно что-то менять в жизни, imho, и нам остаётся только делать то, что мы уже хорошо умеем...
Мотивации учиться либо нет, либо её убивает зависть, либо к этому делу нет предрасположенности...
Я даже когда-то поругался с несколькими фуррями из-за всего этого, мол какой-то пацан моложе меня, но он сильно преуспел в том, чем я хотел заниматься когда был его возраста или младше... Это так больно... И плевать, что он трудился сильнее... Если бы я тогда не сдал позиций, то может быть я был бы даже успешнее чем он сейчас... И в недавнее время меня иногда съедала зависть изнутри и злоба на самого себя, оставляя в депрессии на долго...
Ещё иногда портится настроение, когда я где-либо вижу работы того фурря... Масло в огонь поливает то, что оно может появиться в ролике какого-нибудь популярного ютубера, которого я смотрел с детства...
Ладно, возвращаясь к артам... Я давно усвоил, что я этим заниматься не могу и мне легче заплатить художнику, чем тратить остатки своих сил и времени, на навык, который желательно развивать с раннего детства...
Так что, дорогой мой, не грусти из-за этого и не загоняйся, ведь как ты уже сказал - "Art is not for everyone". Занимайся тем, что хорошо умеешь, у тебя много интересных хобби! 🐼💚
Насщет рисования, я рисовал с детсва for fun, но начал taking it seriously в 16 лет, так что думаю я хотябы что то успел развить в позднем процессе взросления.