Firstly I feel I need to apologize for a lack of activity, it's simply that when my depression and other health matters flare up I have a terrible urge and desire to shrink back and retreat away from other people beside those who are the very closest to me who are my parents, I tend to go into a retreat and not wish to bother anyone else with my problems in any manner or form, my wish to allow others to not be dragged down in some way by the way I feel or have been. I know I shouldn't do so at all and I know I have friends and more who are more than happy to support me but to try and get out of that rut and out of the mindset that causes me to retreat away into my own space is a tough thing to do and I wish I knew a good way to do so in an easier manner.

But if I'm honest as well I pretty much just gave up on everything, I reached a point where I no longer look forward to anything, get all that excited by anything or really want to do much of anything, yet I still wish to see what the future holds and I still want to be here for being able to do good things for those I care about.

It's simply myself just reaching a weird form of acceptance that everything just feels lifeless sometimes for me and it's all going through the motions over and over again

My Dad having his cancer and with all going on for him and all the tests and more he's had to go through the past few months...

My Mum not being well herself, breaking her shoulder too and just how she feels in general...

My Diabetes getting worse, my Arthritis causing pains, being told if my liver ever gets infected I could drop dead due to a deficiency I have...

There's so many things going on and I just, it got to a boiling point and then topped with pains and sleepless nights led to the fact I just gave up caring anymore about things, it's all been horrible and I really am sorry to all who care about me, I don't like to be a burden to others in these things and I want to be able to help others smile if I can, it's just been real tough lately and I hope it's understandable and I wish I could explain the feelings more as well

I have so much to post up, so many things to do! I have so much kindness to show to others that has been shown to me and I need, I really need, to make sure I can post it here for all to see and love on as much as I have