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All Darkness Day
4 years ago
Okay. I'm not proud of it, but I feel like I need to express it.
I'm freshly out of three days of really bad time. I didn't eat, slept as soon as I finished work and locked down all my feelings.
Because it felt like there was no hope, no escape and no one could help me.
That no one could save me.
I was so convinced of it. And so, I stopped caring, diving into work, as a cog in the machine, without any hope of my situation getting better.
Plus, not eating was helping with money: no food, less expenses!
I also unistalled all games from my phone, along with several 'entertainment' apps. Looks like I have heavy self-destruct tendencies when I hit rock bottom. Well, even before that, as it is something I've done in the past: destroying papers with drawings of mine, or notes for stories, unistalling games I used to enjoy, discarding items I used to cherish...
Well, of course, once I recover, I try to scrape down what is salvageable. When possible that is, which is why the uninstalling of the FFXIV authenticator was really a bad idea, I may have lost my account. Oh, well, I'll try the support. Fingers crossed!
Good thing is, this episode has shaken me. I need a new job. I need to get back at writing. Coding. Even drawing.
I think I'll add a few grey and white streaks in my Fursona's hair.
One for each time I was on the verge on doing something... terminal... to myself. As a reminder I survived those.
Not alone, mind you. Some people did help.
They did save me.
Of course, the trouble and problems that got me down are still there, and I'll need to confront those.
But at least, those are manageable, now.
There will be more All Darkness Days in the future. I'll just need to remember that there are people out there that can help. It'll be tough, for sure. But, well, giving up isn't the solution. Despair is a standstill.
And yes, sometimes you need a helping hand to get out of your funk.
So.
Anyone want to talk? Anyone needs help, kind words and a reminder that, yes, you can be saved?
You are worthy of saving. Maybe I can help you realize it?
Come. We'll talk.
I'm freshly out of three days of really bad time. I didn't eat, slept as soon as I finished work and locked down all my feelings.
Because it felt like there was no hope, no escape and no one could help me.
That no one could save me.
I was so convinced of it. And so, I stopped caring, diving into work, as a cog in the machine, without any hope of my situation getting better.
Plus, not eating was helping with money: no food, less expenses!
I also unistalled all games from my phone, along with several 'entertainment' apps. Looks like I have heavy self-destruct tendencies when I hit rock bottom. Well, even before that, as it is something I've done in the past: destroying papers with drawings of mine, or notes for stories, unistalling games I used to enjoy, discarding items I used to cherish...
Well, of course, once I recover, I try to scrape down what is salvageable. When possible that is, which is why the uninstalling of the FFXIV authenticator was really a bad idea, I may have lost my account. Oh, well, I'll try the support. Fingers crossed!
Good thing is, this episode has shaken me. I need a new job. I need to get back at writing. Coding. Even drawing.
I think I'll add a few grey and white streaks in my Fursona's hair.
One for each time I was on the verge on doing something... terminal... to myself. As a reminder I survived those.
Not alone, mind you. Some people did help.
They did save me.
Of course, the trouble and problems that got me down are still there, and I'll need to confront those.
But at least, those are manageable, now.
There will be more All Darkness Days in the future. I'll just need to remember that there are people out there that can help. It'll be tough, for sure. But, well, giving up isn't the solution. Despair is a standstill.
And yes, sometimes you need a helping hand to get out of your funk.
So.
Anyone want to talk? Anyone needs help, kind words and a reminder that, yes, you can be saved?
You are worthy of saving. Maybe I can help you realize it?
Come. We'll talk.
I think there's nothing to be saved of down here because nothing that happens to yourself matters : whatever happens or don't, whatever you do or don't, it'll be forgotten years from now when you are not around anymore.
Suffering because of the problems that happen to us is silly, I consider life to be a bad screenplay where you play someone. No actor cries or yells because of what happened in the scene he/she just played in.
Only thing that matters in my oppinion is having people realize this to comfort them.