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Journal 03
4 years ago
This journal is just a random thought thing and kinda venting because I only have a few people to talk to... You can disregard.
The holidays have passed, and I spent it with close family, and didn't get to do everything I set out to... And that's okay.
Recently (a few months ago) I decided to cut someone out of my life that was extremely toxic, and had been a really important person to me. The void they left behind is immeasurable, and I was so used to their toxicity dictating my behavior, even when they weren't around.
That void is scary because I don't know what to do with that excess energy... And it's terrifying...
A few years ago I went through a similar thing, and had a literal breakdown at work because of it too.
Looking at it from where I am now, that episode probably led to those events of removing that person.
I didn't understand it at first, but now I think I do.
I had lamented the loss of my negative self image, and that was strange to say the least. I hated it for so long, and when it was gone- l was afraid I had lost a huge part of me. That negative self had been there every moment of my waking life.
I am no expert. But after sitting down, and reflecting upon myself. I see the saddness that came from the removal of negative feelings and opinions about myself is, is just fear.
Fear that I don't know what to do with the many hours a day I would spend thinking on negative things, and I would find something else to stress about.
All those negative feelings are gone.. and it has taken me my whole life this far to get rid of them.
I am learning to channel my energy into something positive. :)
And the entire experience has led me to one of my favorite saying to use.. "Know your truth."
I find myself saying that a lot, just know who you are, what you like, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.
~time to draw more lewds~
The holidays have passed, and I spent it with close family, and didn't get to do everything I set out to... And that's okay.
Recently (a few months ago) I decided to cut someone out of my life that was extremely toxic, and had been a really important person to me. The void they left behind is immeasurable, and I was so used to their toxicity dictating my behavior, even when they weren't around.
That void is scary because I don't know what to do with that excess energy... And it's terrifying...
A few years ago I went through a similar thing, and had a literal breakdown at work because of it too.
Looking at it from where I am now, that episode probably led to those events of removing that person.
I didn't understand it at first, but now I think I do.
I had lamented the loss of my negative self image, and that was strange to say the least. I hated it for so long, and when it was gone- l was afraid I had lost a huge part of me. That negative self had been there every moment of my waking life.
I am no expert. But after sitting down, and reflecting upon myself. I see the saddness that came from the removal of negative feelings and opinions about myself is, is just fear.
Fear that I don't know what to do with the many hours a day I would spend thinking on negative things, and I would find something else to stress about.
All those negative feelings are gone.. and it has taken me my whole life this far to get rid of them.
I am learning to channel my energy into something positive. :)
And the entire experience has led me to one of my favorite saying to use.. "Know your truth."
I find myself saying that a lot, just know who you are, what you like, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.
~time to draw more lewds~
