Hello there everyone who lays eyes on this. This is probably going to be a mess of a ramble...just bear with me if you can. I'll get all the formalities out of the way since it's been a little while.

December and Holidays
Merry Christmas to everyone, best wishes and hopes to all that everyone enjoyed it, got some nice things and overall was pleasant. I imagine for a lot of people, myself included, the hassle and craziness of people and work probably made it rough and rather upsetting, but it's best to just move on from those days and just look to what's coming when the weather gets nice again. Because dear God. I was immensely depressed all of December out of weather, work, life things and overall hanging clouds over my head that created an inescapable sense of misery. It's over now, just...I'm honestly not a fan of the holidays anymore. Christmas isn't something I really look forward to because I never know what I want or what to get. That's a personal side problem though so I'm not going to impose any negative wishes on others if they enjoy it. We're all grateful for it in one way or another.

Also Happy New Years to everyone as well now. 2021 continued to be a mess, unfortunately. We suffered a lot of losses, problems and the ongoing Covid that doesn't seem to have an end in sight. It's very admittedly depressing and a struggle to get through, but we're still all getting through it and it's something to be grateful for...being here at all compared to all the innocent lives and everything that has been lost during these times. It's rough...but it's life. May 2022 be more merciful on us and bring some good news.

Life & Mind Update
The life update part is the main reason I wanted to toss this journal up. I know I'm not active here. I don't have artistic talent and I don't have the money to afford art very often. But...this 'not active' stems into just being a quiet lurker on here, silently favoriting things and not leaving any thanks, comments, or any kind of...appreciation. Recently things have happened that brought something very important to light for me:
I forget the full extent of the conversation but I know the context was about a friend of mine wanting to show/watch that Rumble movie with me…said it would be cool because “big kaiju movie!” or something like that.
Aside from the fact I don’t watch TV or anything nowadays, my response was…really lacking. I think they questioned me about a couple things but the stick out point was when I just said this:

“I’m ashamed of what I like.”

They tried to coax me into not being ashamed but it didn’t work that well.
Since that, it’s been stirring on my mind…and recently I feel I came to a reasonable answer why that is. Over time, we’ve called our interests and such “trash” as a joke…but also over time for me, that joke “trash” shifted more from a joke…to an actual demeaning term. At this point when I use the term trash, well…I tend to genuinely mean it. When others use it I imagine they’re joking, but in my mind it still hurts. This may be due to my own depressive and rather cynical mindset as well.
That’s probably why I never ask for anything anymore…I’m too ashamed feeling. Asking others, I feel shamed. If they give it to me, I also feel shamed. And when I just…be alone with these interests, I end up feeling ashamed of myself.
The immense struggle atm at how to pass the “your interests are trashy and you should be ashamed” mindset…probably won’t happen without immense help or time that I don’t want to take from anyone.

I want to love it the way I used to but that just feels...long gone.
I want it back but...yeah.
It's very difficult nowadays to just...talk or think about it without feeling some kind of shame.

I've been talking and reaching out to others recently. One said that it's important I make the connection to the things I love...that these things are essentially a part of me. If it's who I am, I shouldn't feel the shame of it. This also extended to the people I'm with who don't visibly show any signs of being shamed themselves...so why should I in such scenarios? If anything, the people who I tend to be with will support my interest...and also in turn, denying this part of me shuts off a way for me to actually be happy; something to look away from the stress of life and escape to a world where giant muscled felines exist...be at peace and focus on nothing but the fun of it. But one of the most particular standouts was this, semi-cut down:

Those are the opinions of people you shouldn't give even the remotest of fucks about, you have friends that have the same interests or don't mind indulging them...people that actually matter to you.
But the fact that you do give fucks about these peoples opinions shows that you're an empathetic, wonderful person by nature; You care what those around you think even if you've barely met them...you care a lot in general.
I think what you should do is try to redirect that care towards people that care back, people that care about/love you as much as you care about/love them.
It's easy to get bogged down in the negatives, that's human nature - but where there's one tiny asshole with a hate-boner for big things, there's another tiny guy that will love being your friend no matter what you're into...among I'm sure many others.
I love spending time with you, I love talking to you, and I think you deserve to love yourself~ ❤️

Things like that really just make me want to stick out more. By that I mean...just try to be me more. Because really...yes, the shame of all this has been a huge weight on me that's caused so much depression, seclusion and misery in myself. I want to be more out there...seek others advice on all this. Try to, in short...find a way to reignite my spark and be happy again. Be that massive towering lion that I want to be.
It's definitely not easy. I don't even know how to properly track myself or just...know if I'm taking steps in the right direction. But I made a vow to myself that...this year, I want to no longer be ashamed of myself...and right now, I almost just want to cry. This is such a massive internal struggle. In order for me to try to be happy again...I'm having to fight months, if not years of self-abuse to my mind that everything I love is wrong. I really...really hope I'm not alone in this because I'm afraid too. It's not even like I want to really get more art, be more popular or anything like that. All it is...is I want to actually feel like Tez. I want to feel like the massive powerhouse of a feline that I would love to be...and not be ashamed of it. Because as I was told before...I'm Tez, and Tez is me.

Conclusion
I'm sorry for the ramble that this was. My heart told me to pour this out here because of how inactive I am on here...if anyone even reads all this because I know I'm not popular, I still wanted to let the few caring souls out there that read all this to know what's been going on with me. I felt a painful desire to reach out and let it be known...I want to be happy again. I've been at a struggle for years, and I'm desperately fighting back now to try and end it.
Because I don't want to go. I still want to be here. Granted currently...I don't feel I have a place here with how unknown I am and the extreme niche I 'fill' as a character being a gentle giant...but that's just me, and I won't back down from that mindset.

Thank you for reading this entire mess if you did.
I love you all as much as I reasonably can.