Hey everybody. Been quite some time since I posted a journal here, huh. I apologize if this is out of the blue, but given some recent events I wanted to make a journal and let everyone know how I’ve been doing.

Being blunt to start, I’ve been a rather depressive mess for the last year or so. Life seems to keep compiling on more and more problems, both personal and real life scope. My daily routine has been almost the same nonstop for the last few years and it’s been a real struggle to be happy even slightly. On my birthday this year, I got into a car accident. Everyone was fine, but I totaled their car and that compounded into a ton of misery. For the next month I just kept wallowing; until parents told me “you need to get help.” So went to the doctor and got a blood draw, they said I was dangerously deprived of Vitamin D which affects mood. I’ve been stuffing my face full of supplements since then, in addition to being on mood meds. Have they been helpful? I think so but I can’t confirm for certain.

As for my presence here…I basically accepted two things. One, FA was a dying site, and while that’s still a bit true with any kind of significant overhauls…it’s still a lot more stable than a lot of other shading sites. Like X-itter and its consistency of doing something to blow up. Two, my presence on here was useless and amounted to nothing. I have no artistic talent, very poor social skills and a low income to support getting art in the fear I’ll need that money someday. All of these together have effectively caused me to go silent on here, thinking I meant nothing. I got an occasional piece sure, but they were just small things that didn’t feel significant.

Recently though you might have seen I’ve been putting up more works. I got a talking to that sometimes, we need to spoil ourselves to be happy, and not worry about the now that may come later. Or something, words are difficult. If I wanted to bring some joy to life instead of just dreading the inevitable end and knowing I can’t take anything with me, as such never getting anything…well, I had to do the exact opposite and learn to spoil myself. Learn that I am worth something in the world and I should treat myself as such instead of a talentless nobody that anyone could replace.

Granted, saying all this isn’t just going to flip the switch on finding value in myself. It’s something I’m slowly having to come to terms with, and learn to accept it over my long ingrained notions of how miserable the world is and how negative people are as a whole (self included). I still have a very struggling image of self-worth, and while I’m going to try…I don’t have a lot of faith in myself that I’m going to pull it out all the way. But as Ive been told multiple times…I need some happiness in my life or otherwise every day will be nothing but a wallowing swamp of misery.

And besides. The world could always use a giant beefy lion for comfort. I can’t promise my activity here will stay consistent…but I just wanted to throw all this out here.

That’s all. Thank you, hope you’re all doing okay.