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Fourth Journal
3 years ago
I wasn't sure what to write about in this journal, since I don't write ideas I get during the week (which I should probably start doing), so I'm usually left thinking about some material the day before I write. Don't worry tho, today's journal ain't lacking material, tho I wasn't quite sure if I should write about today's topic. It's about a topic mentioned in my last journal. The one that I mentioned when I was writing about Kyell Gold's "Waterways".
I believe I'm bi. And I would love to just end the whole journal on that statement, but I can't.
The reason for this isn't that simple tho and I'll try to explain the whole situation. The thing is that I'm not quite sure of this yet. I haven't had any romantic or sexual experience with other people whatsoever. Mainly because I wasn't interested in these kinds of things for the longest time (probably because of school duties). However, after reading a little bit of "Waterways" I started to wonder and fantasize about both romantic and sexual relationships with other males. It wasn't the first time, though, but it wasn't as often. Tho that number can't be compared with the number of the same fantasies I had after playing the game "Echo". I'm not quite sure why tho. I guess I just really liked that one scene where they did the thing (not going to spoil anything for ya). From that point on I even started checking out other guys and getting excited over numerous thoughts of same-sex relations. That, in a way, made me question my sexuality, making me think that I was gay myself. And I was fine with that. Sure, I knew I would get a lot of hate for that if I ever decide to come out to other people; mostly friends, since most of my friends are homophobic. I guess due to national tradition or religion since the Balkans aren't the nicest place for queer people. But that still didn't bother me as much. That doesn't bother me now at all (yet). However, a different thing bothers me in this whole story. The main reason I wanted to write about this topic. Sure, it might not sound so bad to you, the reader, and it might not be so bad, but I hate it with all my heart.
After some time, I noticed I still haven't lost my attraction to the opposite sex. I think it is very much the same (when it comes to sexual attraction that is). The romantic attraction may have gotten weaker and switched to the same sex, but I'm not going to claim that that's not going to further change. The thing is tho, because of this, I started to question my sexual orientation, even more, making me fall into a dilemma of sorts. And, in a way, that might not be such a bad thing, if it wasn't for the fact that, for some reason, I can't let go of the idea that I want to be gay (or at least bi). I can't explain why I want that, I just know that my brain wants it and it just doesn't want to let go of it. The worst thing, however, is that there is this "voice" in my head crying that I'm not queer at all and that I'm just faking it (even tho I'm not quite sure how). My brain is just split in two when it comes to this and it just can't decide. While the other is actively convincing me that I am queer, the other can't believe that and rejects that idea. Because of it, I constantly have to check what I get turned on to making me watch porn and masturbate to it more than ever and, to be honest, I'm so sick of it. Every time I ejaculate to gay porn, get turned on by homo-erotic thoughts, or even check out another male on the streets I, for some reason, get this feeling of accomplishment for settling the debate in my head. But whenever I get attracted to a female, I just get so disappointed. Yes, sure, after labeling myself bi, it made this debate easier, making me accept the fact I can get attracted to both sexes more. The problem is tho, that even then the debate hasn't stopped yet. My brain just doesn't want to accept the fact that I might be bi. And the whole process of feeling accomplishment and then later disappointed just goes around in a circle. I can remember all the times when I felt envy for all the teens and adolescents that can surely, with no doubt, say their sexuality.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation or this dilemma. I considered talking to a professional about this (a psychologist perhaps), but I know that my friends might find out about it and I don't know how I'd go about explaining this to them. It is true, however, that writing about it to strangers on the Internet is also not the brightest idea ever (you could call it stupid if you ask me). But, then again, I know that I might not get proper help from other people around me, and, knowing this community, a lot of you might understand this. I understand that maybe the best option is to try dating/sleeping with both sexes and see what I like (I don't know how that's going to end up), but I still feel like it might not fully help ease my debate.
As I said, I'm not sure what I'm making out of this. I guess that the whole journal might be just to help ease the negative feelings I'm having regarding this dilemma. It is true, I do feel a little bit better now, after writing this, but who knows when the "circle of feelings" will begin again. Even if I don't get the answer to this problem, I hope that at least someone can relate to this whole thing and that I made sure that they aren't the only ones feeling like that way.
I hope you have a great week!
I believe I'm bi. And I would love to just end the whole journal on that statement, but I can't.
The reason for this isn't that simple tho and I'll try to explain the whole situation. The thing is that I'm not quite sure of this yet. I haven't had any romantic or sexual experience with other people whatsoever. Mainly because I wasn't interested in these kinds of things for the longest time (probably because of school duties). However, after reading a little bit of "Waterways" I started to wonder and fantasize about both romantic and sexual relationships with other males. It wasn't the first time, though, but it wasn't as often. Tho that number can't be compared with the number of the same fantasies I had after playing the game "Echo". I'm not quite sure why tho. I guess I just really liked that one scene where they did the thing (not going to spoil anything for ya). From that point on I even started checking out other guys and getting excited over numerous thoughts of same-sex relations. That, in a way, made me question my sexuality, making me think that I was gay myself. And I was fine with that. Sure, I knew I would get a lot of hate for that if I ever decide to come out to other people; mostly friends, since most of my friends are homophobic. I guess due to national tradition or religion since the Balkans aren't the nicest place for queer people. But that still didn't bother me as much. That doesn't bother me now at all (yet). However, a different thing bothers me in this whole story. The main reason I wanted to write about this topic. Sure, it might not sound so bad to you, the reader, and it might not be so bad, but I hate it with all my heart.
After some time, I noticed I still haven't lost my attraction to the opposite sex. I think it is very much the same (when it comes to sexual attraction that is). The romantic attraction may have gotten weaker and switched to the same sex, but I'm not going to claim that that's not going to further change. The thing is tho, because of this, I started to question my sexual orientation, even more, making me fall into a dilemma of sorts. And, in a way, that might not be such a bad thing, if it wasn't for the fact that, for some reason, I can't let go of the idea that I want to be gay (or at least bi). I can't explain why I want that, I just know that my brain wants it and it just doesn't want to let go of it. The worst thing, however, is that there is this "voice" in my head crying that I'm not queer at all and that I'm just faking it (even tho I'm not quite sure how). My brain is just split in two when it comes to this and it just can't decide. While the other is actively convincing me that I am queer, the other can't believe that and rejects that idea. Because of it, I constantly have to check what I get turned on to making me watch porn and masturbate to it more than ever and, to be honest, I'm so sick of it. Every time I ejaculate to gay porn, get turned on by homo-erotic thoughts, or even check out another male on the streets I, for some reason, get this feeling of accomplishment for settling the debate in my head. But whenever I get attracted to a female, I just get so disappointed. Yes, sure, after labeling myself bi, it made this debate easier, making me accept the fact I can get attracted to both sexes more. The problem is tho, that even then the debate hasn't stopped yet. My brain just doesn't want to accept the fact that I might be bi. And the whole process of feeling accomplishment and then later disappointed just goes around in a circle. I can remember all the times when I felt envy for all the teens and adolescents that can surely, with no doubt, say their sexuality.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation or this dilemma. I considered talking to a professional about this (a psychologist perhaps), but I know that my friends might find out about it and I don't know how I'd go about explaining this to them. It is true, however, that writing about it to strangers on the Internet is also not the brightest idea ever (you could call it stupid if you ask me). But, then again, I know that I might not get proper help from other people around me, and, knowing this community, a lot of you might understand this. I understand that maybe the best option is to try dating/sleeping with both sexes and see what I like (I don't know how that's going to end up), but I still feel like it might not fully help ease my debate.
As I said, I'm not sure what I'm making out of this. I guess that the whole journal might be just to help ease the negative feelings I'm having regarding this dilemma. It is true, I do feel a little bit better now, after writing this, but who knows when the "circle of feelings" will begin again. Even if I don't get the answer to this problem, I hope that at least someone can relate to this whole thing and that I made sure that they aren't the only ones feeling like that way.
I hope you have a great week!
