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The Importance of Boundaries/Expectations (Tanuki Tales)
3 years ago
I underestimate the value of a longform journal like this. This is definitely something not fit for Twitter. Not because I don't think anyone would read it, but, literally, it will not fit for Twitter. 280 characters isn't a lot! At least here I can write it all out without having to break it up into multiple small segments and leaving footnotes letting the reader know how much longer it is until the end.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about something I did ten or so years ago. I'm sure we've all done something in our youth that would you'll look back on as an adult and wonder why the hell you did what you did. I have many of them myself! But this one thing I did has bothered me a lot because it is the antithesis of my identity and all the values I've developed as an adult.
As you may know or would have guessed from the content I post on here and on Twitter, I am quite entrenched in the gainer community. Basically it's a community (mainly consisting of males) where the members are focused on putting on as much weight as possible. I knew about them before I graduated from high school and, during college, I thought I'd wear the gainer label and get invested in the idea of building up my body. I was always a big kid, so it was something I easily transitioned into.
There were plenty of different community websites and forums where gainers would talk to each other and share their progress. My website of choice was Grommr, which is still alive and well today. I enjoyed my time for the short while I was there. Knowing that there was a community who enjoyed fat people was very comfortable to me.
Matt, a man in his 40's who was local to my area, messaged me. He was labeled as an encourager. As you might guess from the name, an encourager is somebody who encourages gainers to grow.
I admit, I was desperately seeking physical companionship wherever I could get it. So I figured I could get some from this person who was interested in my goals. The age didn't really matter to me so much.
We met in a bar in downtown Indianapolis. We talked about things and he told me a little bit about himself. He traveled around Indiana pretty often and his apartment was close and he invited me there. So I thought this would be fun. And if it led to sex, I would just kinda let it happen.
We got to his apartment and we relaxed together. Then he started to hit on me and pressure me into sex. This was something I wanted, but... I didn't want to. I wasn't as comfortable with it as I thought I was. So we ended it there, pretty much.
I left an awkward first impression on this guy. Instead of telling him how I felt and establishing boundaries like an adult would, I said something that I regret saying. It was something I didn't personally believe but it left my lips anyway because I wasn't thinking straight.
I told him that I wasn't comfortable with being with a guy his age.
After that final word, I never heard from him again. He didn't comment on any of my posts and he wouldn't respond to my messages on Grommr. That ship had officially sailed without me and it was all my fault.
I feel really dumb because I later realized that what I said was a really shitty thing to say. I also wasn't being genuine with him about my feelings. I had certain expectations for the relationship and since I didn't relay them or established any boundaries, I messed up.
The lesson here is something I want all young adults to learn: when you and another person are looking into doing things, you both need to establish boundaries and talk about your expectations. That way none of you will walk away feeling dissatisfied or pressured into doing things you don't want to.
It's something I've learned to articulate better through playing social games like Magic the Gathering, but this lesson applies to all things you do with other people, including sexual things. It doesn't seem like a lot, but believe me when I say that humans aren't mind readers. If you don't talk to each other about boundaries and expectations, then it's almost guaranteed that at least one of you will walk away with a misunderstanding or hurt feelings. And none of us want that.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about something I did ten or so years ago. I'm sure we've all done something in our youth that would you'll look back on as an adult and wonder why the hell you did what you did. I have many of them myself! But this one thing I did has bothered me a lot because it is the antithesis of my identity and all the values I've developed as an adult.
As you may know or would have guessed from the content I post on here and on Twitter, I am quite entrenched in the gainer community. Basically it's a community (mainly consisting of males) where the members are focused on putting on as much weight as possible. I knew about them before I graduated from high school and, during college, I thought I'd wear the gainer label and get invested in the idea of building up my body. I was always a big kid, so it was something I easily transitioned into.
There were plenty of different community websites and forums where gainers would talk to each other and share their progress. My website of choice was Grommr, which is still alive and well today. I enjoyed my time for the short while I was there. Knowing that there was a community who enjoyed fat people was very comfortable to me.
Matt, a man in his 40's who was local to my area, messaged me. He was labeled as an encourager. As you might guess from the name, an encourager is somebody who encourages gainers to grow.
I admit, I was desperately seeking physical companionship wherever I could get it. So I figured I could get some from this person who was interested in my goals. The age didn't really matter to me so much.
We met in a bar in downtown Indianapolis. We talked about things and he told me a little bit about himself. He traveled around Indiana pretty often and his apartment was close and he invited me there. So I thought this would be fun. And if it led to sex, I would just kinda let it happen.
We got to his apartment and we relaxed together. Then he started to hit on me and pressure me into sex. This was something I wanted, but... I didn't want to. I wasn't as comfortable with it as I thought I was. So we ended it there, pretty much.
I left an awkward first impression on this guy. Instead of telling him how I felt and establishing boundaries like an adult would, I said something that I regret saying. It was something I didn't personally believe but it left my lips anyway because I wasn't thinking straight.
I told him that I wasn't comfortable with being with a guy his age.
After that final word, I never heard from him again. He didn't comment on any of my posts and he wouldn't respond to my messages on Grommr. That ship had officially sailed without me and it was all my fault.
I feel really dumb because I later realized that what I said was a really shitty thing to say. I also wasn't being genuine with him about my feelings. I had certain expectations for the relationship and since I didn't relay them or established any boundaries, I messed up.
The lesson here is something I want all young adults to learn: when you and another person are looking into doing things, you both need to establish boundaries and talk about your expectations. That way none of you will walk away feeling dissatisfied or pressured into doing things you don't want to.
It's something I've learned to articulate better through playing social games like Magic the Gathering, but this lesson applies to all things you do with other people, including sexual things. It doesn't seem like a lot, but believe me when I say that humans aren't mind readers. If you don't talk to each other about boundaries and expectations, then it's almost guaranteed that at least one of you will walk away with a misunderstanding or hurt feelings. And none of us want that.
Hungry Lucario
~angrytoad
Well put and I think you have matured quite a lot since we first met.
zoroarkling
~zoroarkling
This journal is proof that you've grown a good bit and made an unbelievably important point
