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For Fuck's Sake (Ranting)
16 years ago
I'm a pretty complacent guy. I tolerate quite a bit of crap when it comes my way, understand that if I can wait it out everything will be alright. I don't expect much from other people, and I try to be fairly self-sufficient on everything that I can be.
But for fuck's sake I'm about at my wit's end on the whole 'chaos of the universe' bullshit. Let me hit the high points.
First, my roommate's computer crapped out. And that's all fine. PC parts fail and need replacing. He doesn't know a lot on the technical aspects of computers, so when it does fuck up I have to fix it. We ordered a new motherboard, and it did the same thing. Tried to fry the power supply. Well, we tried a better power supply. It tried to fry that one. Turned out the graphics card was the culprit, with a faulty transistor/resistor that was shooting the power units as soon as the system was turned on. That was about eight hours of my time and patience three weeks or so ago. I was so aggravated with the whole ordeal by the time I was done.
After that a friend of mine went into the hospital. Seemed like he just had a small problem. He was sent home a couple of days later after a small surgery. A bit of a surprise, but everything seemed fine.
That same week I got fired from my job, lied to by the terminating manager, and sent on a run-around to get my unemployment details. Pretty good waste of employment anyway, I was kinda alright with leaving. My roommate was pissed about the run-around and how it really did seem unfair why I was terminated. I wanted to let it go and he wanted to wage a war. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and sadness and anger really just unsettle me.
That very same evening the friend who was home from the hospital was rushed back. Over the next few days we had to hear the news about the friend basically coming apart in the hospital and eventually passing away. From his fiancee, who was a wreck the whole time. Again, don't like emotional stuff. But I definitely sympathize with her so I wasn't going to avoid being there for her.
The funeral came and went just two days ago. I'm not big on funerals, and I really more went to support his fiancee and my roommate. They were closer to him. Funerals make me extremely uncomfortable, especially when I don't know anyone there. A lot of sobbing strangers. More emotions. I felt exceptionally awkward most of that day.
Today it seems one of our ferrets, Fershai, is struggling quite a bit just to go to the bathroom. He hasn't been able to go and he's rather uncomfortable and changing locations a lot. We're pretty sure he's gonna have to be put down before the evening is out.
And that's the last straw. Fuck the chaos of the universe bullshit. No one should have such consecutive bad luck. All I've wanted to do since I lost my job is fucking have a day where nothing bothers me. To enjoy drawing or playing a god damned video game with no concerns or obligations. But can I? No. Someone has to be fucking dying or pissed off or crying. It's just utter bullshit.
I'm not blaming others for being who they are, or for the problems they're having. I'm also not saying my problems are worse than theirs. Because they're obviously not. I'm just pissed. I've reached my limit for tolerating bad luck shit and I just want it to fucking stop. Now excuse me while I go check on our ferret.
But for fuck's sake I'm about at my wit's end on the whole 'chaos of the universe' bullshit. Let me hit the high points.
First, my roommate's computer crapped out. And that's all fine. PC parts fail and need replacing. He doesn't know a lot on the technical aspects of computers, so when it does fuck up I have to fix it. We ordered a new motherboard, and it did the same thing. Tried to fry the power supply. Well, we tried a better power supply. It tried to fry that one. Turned out the graphics card was the culprit, with a faulty transistor/resistor that was shooting the power units as soon as the system was turned on. That was about eight hours of my time and patience three weeks or so ago. I was so aggravated with the whole ordeal by the time I was done.
After that a friend of mine went into the hospital. Seemed like he just had a small problem. He was sent home a couple of days later after a small surgery. A bit of a surprise, but everything seemed fine.
That same week I got fired from my job, lied to by the terminating manager, and sent on a run-around to get my unemployment details. Pretty good waste of employment anyway, I was kinda alright with leaving. My roommate was pissed about the run-around and how it really did seem unfair why I was terminated. I wanted to let it go and he wanted to wage a war. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and sadness and anger really just unsettle me.
That very same evening the friend who was home from the hospital was rushed back. Over the next few days we had to hear the news about the friend basically coming apart in the hospital and eventually passing away. From his fiancee, who was a wreck the whole time. Again, don't like emotional stuff. But I definitely sympathize with her so I wasn't going to avoid being there for her.
The funeral came and went just two days ago. I'm not big on funerals, and I really more went to support his fiancee and my roommate. They were closer to him. Funerals make me extremely uncomfortable, especially when I don't know anyone there. A lot of sobbing strangers. More emotions. I felt exceptionally awkward most of that day.
Today it seems one of our ferrets, Fershai, is struggling quite a bit just to go to the bathroom. He hasn't been able to go and he's rather uncomfortable and changing locations a lot. We're pretty sure he's gonna have to be put down before the evening is out.
And that's the last straw. Fuck the chaos of the universe bullshit. No one should have such consecutive bad luck. All I've wanted to do since I lost my job is fucking have a day where nothing bothers me. To enjoy drawing or playing a god damned video game with no concerns or obligations. But can I? No. Someone has to be fucking dying or pissed off or crying. It's just utter bullshit.
I'm not blaming others for being who they are, or for the problems they're having. I'm also not saying my problems are worse than theirs. Because they're obviously not. I'm just pissed. I've reached my limit for tolerating bad luck shit and I just want it to fucking stop. Now excuse me while I go check on our ferret.
Xyanth is genuinely and deeply frustrated.
Meaning Xy is within the right to feel like this and express it here like this.
However this is still life. I can't name a single person I know who isn't experiencing similar right now.
Still Xy's life and struggle is as tough and matters as much as any of those peoples' matters , yours or mine.
So it goes .
It's not going to make it easier to deal with your problems. And it's sure as hell not going to make the world a better place. But when you accept that life just plain sucks, it makes it much easier to deal with. When you can take these kinds of problems in the same way as spilled milk, it makes it that much easier to just tolerate the next day. No matter how shitty it is.
Then when a day comes that doesn't suck? It's like breathing fresh, cool, clean air after a lifetime of suffocation.
It's not what anyone wants to hear. It's what everyone needs to hear.
..but it doesn't necessarily that it's the 100 % sound.
There are variables in the multitudes of the 100s of thousands of situations equating to millions or more of variations on each situation.
For some life is worse than just 'sucking ' ..
for some it's worse than a curse - - and for some no matter if you bare the so called ' simple facts of life ' or pat their back .. ..
there is no justification or logic in certain things.
No it doesn't make it OK.
Random but obvious example.
WAR..
it happens, it's happening , it's a part of life , it's not ok , it;s not right..
but the multiples of ramifications effect so much and too many aspects of this life.
There are many ways people "DEAL" .. ..
overall it still isn't OK.
And the ultimate ends of so much that happens is very tragic.
Sure it sucks.
Still .. .. - - "SUCK IT ALL UP, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN."
This existence if fraught with the illogical .. ..
some are drowning in this.
You could tell someone "WHAT THEY NEED TO HEAR" all they want.
It won't equate to everyone.
Appears it's what you think they need to hear.
tough argument,man .
My dad's dying, or dead. Been a few weeks since he called, and he was in very bad shape on a respirator before.
My phone got shut off because I can't afford it. I lost my job. My roommate got arrested under bogus charges. And a friend of the family is out on her ass because she wouldn't give her sister $10 for a wal-mart handbag, out of money we sent her for food and medicine. So she kicked her out. She's still homeless as of three weeks ago.
Oh, and the hospital is suing me because I can't give them $20,000 for gall bladder surgury that was done to save my life from a liver blockage. The gov't refuses any aid. So does insurance, as a 'pre-existing condition',
I'm not goin apples and oranges with you .. cuz the frustration within the life that is in fruition more than enough you need to deal with.
Or maybe i should - Damn close calls with my mom and friend dying from the same cancer, Sis out of work and damn got raped and lost her entire life due to Damn Southern Baptist Ex- waving a Bible in the courtroom. Bible Thumpers can get away with murder down here in the South of Denver as long as they are right enough with the lord.
Financial woes are no stranger as i' already being sued for a crime i didn't do and my wages were garnished when there WERE NO WAGES TO GARNISH in the first place. My Aspberger's ridden friend already was tazerd , abused, and ganged up on by over a dozen cops, broken his ribs / arm and jailed for something for defending himself from these authority figures.
And the company i grew up with, knew personally , and the people behind the art and work just got up by a much bigger conglomerate and now a whole bunch of good people are gonna be outta work after being with the group for well over 20 years.
Yeh and my surrogate father just died too .. so - -
I'm schizophrenic and gay .. hmm - - -
okay now uhh .. -
So your points are sound - - your points are just .. valid and hard.
I'm very sorry for all your loss, struggle, hardships and pain.
Maybe we should save this stuff for Private Message and out own respective blogs and FA journals.
Cuz all in all right here in this space, This is Xy's journal ..
and they are more within' their right to "RANT" , vent , rave. and you are ore within' your right to listen, read, or not.
Again i'm sorry .. i really am.
But we don't need to be goin' back and forth like this here.
You wanna do the dance, let's take it off this space here and do it elsewhere.
This is Xy's space.
Not mine to do battle with ideals and struggles.
(( i am sorry ,Xy and again i am sorry Jan. ))
Anger is a good response to life's hardships. It's better than sadness.
The variations on what you say are numerous.
Those that choose to understand these variations and different paths may find enlightenment and even hope.
Or it could lead down a darker path .. something much more destructive.
I seek not your pity or anyone's, nor your understanding so don't put words in my mouth.
My point prior is that this is Xy's journal ..and us raising cain isn't gonna do anything but cause more havoc.
Anger can be one thing ..
and as an angry individual who rides the multiplicity of paths..
i will tell you., compassion too can get you far.
No .. there will be times people give one ZERO compassion.. i've been the brunt of that.
That challenges you, makes you harder..
- - still in a dark world compassion is needed now more than ever.
I'm sorry you have not had your fair share of that.
But this is starting to turn into an argument.
I think we better wind it down.
I'm sorry if this shatters your fragile worldview.
-->> ..well it does appear you are being somewhat confrontational with those that don't agree with you.
You seem to be the one so upset.
-->> Am i ?!
I'm simply telling people what they need to hear.
-->> From your point of view.
That life isn't fun, and isn't pretty.
-->> At what point anywhere here was that mentioned.. !?
That wasn't .
I'm sorry if this shatters your fragile worldview.
-->> Naw you aren't shatterin' nothing, buddy.
At least something that wasn't already broken.
and if i like it or not or you like it or not..
THE WORLD IS FRAGILE.
It's a sin. It only sets people up to fall harder when it doesn't happen.
You can learn a lot of Fight Club. Learn about the futility of dreaming, and the value of realization.
Simply put, telling anyone that things will ever be a period soft, fuzzy ride free of worries, guilt, regrets, mistakes, failures, bad experiences, and broken hearts?
-->> ..this is a question.
meh doesn't matter at this point.
It's a sin. It only sets people up to fall harder when it doesn't happen.
-->> ok.
You can learn a lot of Fight Club. Learn about the futility of dreaming, and the value of realization.
-->> .. you can learn allot from the 'TAO' and the symbiosis in this existence of both sides of what you have stated.
You can acheive a lot in life. But only once you stop waiting for it to happen, and start doing it.
It's going to suck doing it. You can't be allowed to linger in that suck, and let it get to you.
You can acheive a lot in life. But only once you stop waiting for it to happen, and start doing it.
-->> .. maybe i am.
It's going to suck doing it. You can't be allowed to linger in that suck, and let it get to you
-->> Thanks.
like it or not, my sympathies go out to you and yours, to your struggles, suffering and strife. To your lost loved ones, and the current challenges you face right now.
I hope what you are doing ( like if it's the things you stated ) bring you out to the other side of this even stronger and to better tidings.
Good day.
Sorry to hear that, but wow.. that is an exceptionally bad run of luck. I really hope things take a turn for the better. It's odd though, I know lots of bad things happening to lots of people lately. This month is cursed.
Anyway, again I'm really sorry. You're right -- nobody should have to go through so much lousy crap. But I strongly believe that life will get better again for you, sooner or later. Please hang in there. *hug*
that's a good thing.