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Just musing about. Past things.
3 years ago
I don't really have anything of significance to update with. I mean, I have a lot of things I could probably bring up & say stuff about, but I don't really think anyone would have much to add to it.
I guess that does get me thinking. When I was younger I used to be much more open about what was troubling me when things were going wrong. But the influence of toxic communities [that I nonetheless still thought of as "homes" anyway] still has enough sway to make me think not just twice, but entirely too much about saying things especially for too long. I remember I used to think it was incredibly unfair that other people could make really long emotional posts on the internet & everyone would be moved & admire them for it, but whenever I did it, people tore them apart paragraph by paragraph, tried to take apart my past, make accusations about my personal life based off of nothing, and even make judgements about people in my life that they didn't even know. Sometimes if I was venting about legitimate abusive events, I would be accused of either making it up, or just be aggressively told I deserved it. And at the time all I was doing was being a teenager trying to find things to enjoy and make friends.
So... if that is the kind of experience I'm to have when just trying to be a person that exists in any degree of visibility [because let's face it, I do exist right now, without this experience, but my "degree of visibility" is just about zero & has been for close to a decade at this point] why should I go on about it that way? It clearly doesn't work. This is why you have to be a genuine you, but also tolerate absolutely no bullshit. None of it. The second I sense bullshit, I leave, usually unceremoniously. When I cut someone, or something, out of my life, I have little trouble making it permanent.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a lot of energy any more unless my blood is boiling due to wanting to punch an asshole or group of assholes in the face.
I guess that does get me thinking. When I was younger I used to be much more open about what was troubling me when things were going wrong. But the influence of toxic communities [that I nonetheless still thought of as "homes" anyway] still has enough sway to make me think not just twice, but entirely too much about saying things especially for too long. I remember I used to think it was incredibly unfair that other people could make really long emotional posts on the internet & everyone would be moved & admire them for it, but whenever I did it, people tore them apart paragraph by paragraph, tried to take apart my past, make accusations about my personal life based off of nothing, and even make judgements about people in my life that they didn't even know. Sometimes if I was venting about legitimate abusive events, I would be accused of either making it up, or just be aggressively told I deserved it. And at the time all I was doing was being a teenager trying to find things to enjoy and make friends.
So... if that is the kind of experience I'm to have when just trying to be a person that exists in any degree of visibility [because let's face it, I do exist right now, without this experience, but my "degree of visibility" is just about zero & has been for close to a decade at this point] why should I go on about it that way? It clearly doesn't work. This is why you have to be a genuine you, but also tolerate absolutely no bullshit. None of it. The second I sense bullshit, I leave, usually unceremoniously. When I cut someone, or something, out of my life, I have little trouble making it permanent.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a lot of energy any more unless my blood is boiling due to wanting to punch an asshole or group of assholes in the face.
Second, being you is the about the best thing that you can be. But being you also means that you know what affects you and when to seek refuge from it. It also means that you will probably have to understand that not everything that happened was your fault. Life can show us stuff through memories, but we can use them as stepping stones upward to a better sense of self. Bad events, bad people, and bad things don't define who we are and where we're going.
Third, the internet (and a lot of other things outside of the internet) still isn't a great substitute for an actual professional therapist or a life coach. It has angry, broken people in it that are just looking for a diversion.
Since posting this I ended up thinking back to more past communities & experiences. Throughout the years, especially when I'm in an active roleplay, I've found myself almost wanting to make a comic again, only to remember part of an experience [again from when I was a teen] that completely turned me off of not just all the comics I was starting to make at the time, but was ultimately responsible for nearly every single comic project I've ever cancelled. Which is actually a lot... I was working on one when I joined the 'Drome. I still have all the scripts & everything, but I never finished a single panel.
I'd been re-reading webcomics of my past & I stumbled across mention of the very one responsible for my huge change in attitude toward the community... do you ever find it hard to believe an experience like that changed you so much & you failed to realise it? Because damn that was one of those moments.
...And the wording of this post is all over the place because I'm trying to avoid saying too much. Don't feel like fixing that so have some scattered thoughts. :V
As for life-altering B.S. that creeps into your personality without knowing it, oh yeah ...I know some of that. My stepmom would rant about sh*t that happened years ago when she was angry, like how much I screw things up and it pissed her off, blah blah blah.. That's probably why I feel 'inadequate' about my life, don't know what to do for a career, don't know how to talk to or handle difficult people, and so on. Sometimes my dad would do something similar.
If you have a good parent in your corner that you can go to, I would consider you very lucky.