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Good news and a new story in the works
3 years ago
Buckle up, 'cuz we're going to dragon therapy
You don't have to know me to figure out that I don't exactly love the furry fandom. Sure, I like to poke fun at all the sparkly OCs, the unfiltered cringe, and the murry purry roleplay ...
But a big reason why I hate the fandom is because I'm a part of it.
I'm a very private person when it comes to my interests in the exotic. Coming from a family of sheltered and conservative people, I've learned to be extremely judgemental of my interests from the moment I developed them. I've carried these judgements with me for my whole life, to the point where my shame, embarrassment and self-loathing felt like inescapable part of who I am.
But last week I visited some friends I've met through the furry fandom. This was a big step for me, and I wasn't sure if I'd regret it. I spent time with people who have dragon statues on their walls, pokemon on their desks, and shelves full of dinosaur figurines (and a few of the things were even *gasp* lewd). At first, I was uncomfortable being around some weirdos who are so open about their interests. For the first day or so, I felt like I didn't belong. However, as we hung out, I began to realize that these weirdos not only empathized in all of my self-judgement and shame, they had similar stories of their own and wanted to help me work through mine.
I have decades worth of bottled-up emotions under the surface, and I've never talked about any of it.
You can imagine how incredibly, overwhelmingly cathartic to get some of those emotions out in front of people who not only wouldn't judge, but empatheticly understood what I was going through. After enough coaxing (and alcoholic drinks), I said some things aloud that I'd never admitted to everyone ... and we're talking "minor" things, like admitting to being attracted to ferals (I know, such a scandalous shock to anyone who hasn't read my stories). Simply speaking those words to another human being was a huge, huge step for me.
A lot of the friends I hung out with were also artists and writers, and being around such fantastically creative people has jumpstarted my own creative drive. I can't even talk about my clean writing with friends and family, because they simply don't care. But now I was around people who were getting excited about my projects, which made me want to write for them.
You may be happy to hear that I have accepted a commission for a new story.
narse is funding a story idea I have about an albino dragoness named Whitewillow. She is a priestess and holy courtesan who is devoted to a goddess of love and harmony. Whitewillow believes lovemaking is a beautiful act of worship, and to the surprise of absolutely no one reading this, she prefers demonstrating her religion to humans. I admit it's sorta cringy in concept, but I'm excited to make it work. I haven't felt this motivated to write in a long time.
Also, I might have art of Whitewillow to share at some point!
I'm incredibly thankful for everyone I've met and talked to during the past week. I've worked though a lot of mental bullshit thanks to you all, and while I'm not about to start hanging up feral art on my walls, I feel more comfortable in my own skin. And that's a gift that's many, many years overdue.
Oh, and Narse ... this STILL doesn't mean I'm ever going to put on a fursuit. You can quote me on that!
You don't have to know me to figure out that I don't exactly love the furry fandom. Sure, I like to poke fun at all the sparkly OCs, the unfiltered cringe, and the murry purry roleplay ...
But a big reason why I hate the fandom is because I'm a part of it.
I'm a very private person when it comes to my interests in the exotic. Coming from a family of sheltered and conservative people, I've learned to be extremely judgemental of my interests from the moment I developed them. I've carried these judgements with me for my whole life, to the point where my shame, embarrassment and self-loathing felt like inescapable part of who I am.
But last week I visited some friends I've met through the furry fandom. This was a big step for me, and I wasn't sure if I'd regret it. I spent time with people who have dragon statues on their walls, pokemon on their desks, and shelves full of dinosaur figurines (and a few of the things were even *gasp* lewd). At first, I was uncomfortable being around some weirdos who are so open about their interests. For the first day or so, I felt like I didn't belong. However, as we hung out, I began to realize that these weirdos not only empathized in all of my self-judgement and shame, they had similar stories of their own and wanted to help me work through mine.
I have decades worth of bottled-up emotions under the surface, and I've never talked about any of it.
You can imagine how incredibly, overwhelmingly cathartic to get some of those emotions out in front of people who not only wouldn't judge, but empatheticly understood what I was going through. After enough coaxing (and alcoholic drinks), I said some things aloud that I'd never admitted to everyone ... and we're talking "minor" things, like admitting to being attracted to ferals (I know, such a scandalous shock to anyone who hasn't read my stories). Simply speaking those words to another human being was a huge, huge step for me.
A lot of the friends I hung out with were also artists and writers, and being around such fantastically creative people has jumpstarted my own creative drive. I can't even talk about my clean writing with friends and family, because they simply don't care. But now I was around people who were getting excited about my projects, which made me want to write for them.
You may be happy to hear that I have accepted a commission for a new story.
narse is funding a story idea I have about an albino dragoness named Whitewillow. She is a priestess and holy courtesan who is devoted to a goddess of love and harmony. Whitewillow believes lovemaking is a beautiful act of worship, and to the surprise of absolutely no one reading this, she prefers demonstrating her religion to humans. I admit it's sorta cringy in concept, but I'm excited to make it work. I haven't felt this motivated to write in a long time.Also, I might have art of Whitewillow to share at some point!
I'm incredibly thankful for everyone I've met and talked to during the past week. I've worked though a lot of mental bullshit thanks to you all, and while I'm not about to start hanging up feral art on my walls, I feel more comfortable in my own skin. And that's a gift that's many, many years overdue.
Oh, and Narse ... this STILL doesn't mean I'm ever going to put on a fursuit. You can quote me on that!
I've.. come to mostly accept my interests and fantasies over the years. Still, I've never been able to express them in person and just kept them to myself and my online friends. So being surrounded by people who openly live and breathe these things was surreal, terrifying, but also very, very nice. I left feeling quite good about the experience, even though my stay was very brief.
I felt like a child with all the statues and stuff, taking pictures of everything I saw. How could grown adults possibly have this many 'toys' just out in the open, and driving their furnishing decisions!?
It really offered a glimpse at what my future could look like, not having to be so ashamed of what I like and suppress those interests for the sake of conformity and being 'normal'.
I'm really, really happy to hear the effect the experience has had on you. They're really cool people. You know who you are, if you're reading this :p
Really looking forward to your upcoming story! That sounds like a really cool concept :)
Man, just about everything you said were things I was thinking as well. Like, how do they have SO MANY figurines and statues and plush dolls? It's like a sports nut decorating their entire house with football memorabilia. It's wild. I can't sympathize with the urge to hoard things on that level, but it was impressive on a sheer level of dedication.
And god damn, for real. I was already being affected by the culture shock of returning to the US after over a decade; So that, plus going from isolating my interests to seeing it so proudly and openly displayed everywhere was.. well, cathartic! I went to [REDACTED]'s place straight from the bus station. This was my first time meeting everyone I knew previously online, in person - and there still were a lot of people I didn't know, and didn't get to properly know because my stay was so short. God damn though, for an introverted guy like myself who had never traveled alone before, it was weird. I was terrified, amazed, in awe, all the feelings.
I probably wouldn't hoard nearly as much (don't have the space nor the money to own anything, haha), but it was a sight to behold. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous - but being welcomed there was a gift in its own right.
I almost wish I was there to experience it again with you. This journal really brought me back to that and helped me realize just how big of a deal it can be. I felt like the outlier there, with everyone being so well-acquainted with each other (in person) and going back years. Didn't think anyone else would be in a similar spot to mine, even if you've known them for much longer xD
You know, I did meet some of these folk years ago, when one of them convinced me to go to FC. But mentally, I was not ready for that. And that was a terrible first foray into the furry fandom: it was a very chaotic and unpredictable environment, being surrounded by fursuiters and all sorts of weird shit. I was immensely uncomfortable for much of that trip. I did meet Necro, though, who eventually drew me this dragon persona (which became a big thing and really got me into drawing). So it wasn't all bad.
And oh man, talk about taking a splash from the ocean. I'd love to go to a con as well someday, but if that was my first dip in the furry fandom... I might've come out with mixed feelings as well. But at least now you've had a more "homey" reunion :) And hey, good things came out of both!
....Did you take a picture with the raptor btw? Because I sure as hell did. Even had someone take one for me. In ordinary circumstances, I'd feel like a complete childish weirdo but I think that was the point where I finally thought "Hey, I can do this! And no one in the room is gonna give me weird looks for it!".
Also, reading one of your comments about being around people that enjoyed your stories... Its funny, because when I actually met [REDACTED], I introduced myself by saying "Hi, I'm that guy that made a 3D model of your company's dino character" only for them to turn to someone next to them and be all like "This guy makes awesome HTTYD art". It threw me off so haaaard. But in a good way, haha.
For real though, I might not read too much these days, but your stories are still among the best I've read. Not just because of ferals and relationships/spicy bits with them. They're genuinely interesting to read for the story and characters as well. I probably already wrote a similar comment, so I'll spare you the sappiness for now. Sufficed to say, I eagerly await whatever you work on next :)
So I checked your profile for the first time and he's right: you DO make awesome HTTYD art! Toothless isn't really my thing (He's adorable but something about his design makes it hard for me to like him in THAT way) but I can see exactly why he would fawn all over your stuff! You nailed the HTTYD style while injecting a good sense of anatomy and physical presence. That Iris commission has a wonderful pose, and those legs couldn't have been easy to draw.
Oh man, whenever someone starts complimenting my stories, I always feel this faux modesty well up inside me, like "Oh please, stop! (but do go on)". I'm secretly starving for praise all the time. As a writer, I have such an inferiority complex in the fandom (compared to artists). Art is easy to digest, but reading requires dedication. I bet the vast majority of my watchers here on FA follow me for the fan art and may not even know I write. It's disheartening whenever I see someone recognize my characters but are completely unaware that they're from a story. And I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get people to read something, only to be politely shot down.
It's genuinely a big deal to me that someone took the time and effort to read an entire story I wrote. So let me say thank you and I appreciate the fuck out of you.
There's nothing wrong with finding a lot of stuff inside this fandom "off-putting", in fact that's an understatement, there's a LOT of strange stuff and behavior going on that could easely, and not without reasins, be classified as cringe-worthy or more.
Learning to go past these or ignoring it altogether is not an immediate process, and when all you know of the people who partake or indulge in these behavior are their online facade, who more often than not embraces their interrest as a hobby and/or escapism, they sure do look like weirdos.
However in the end the internet tricks us again, what you find out and appears on their online profile are just but a part of their personality, not their whole person, a complex and real human that is more than just their FA profile, even for the most terminally online of them. And it sure doesn't help that they're more often than not here to express behaviors and interrest that might be judged too deviant to express in any shape or form IRL.
So when you combine this with the whole "Haha perceived deviance goes NO" and "Let's never talk about sensible subject, ever." upbringings... that's a good receipe for emotion bottling, as you said yourself. I'm glad you've managed to aknowledge the problem and try to adress it though.
Also new story from you ?
Hype !
Fuck, I am messed up. But I'm getting better.
But I'm glad you kinda accepted it all. I know we dont talk as much as we used to outside the odd whisper on gw2 but I do look back on your stories occasionally.
Just like the meme says tho: 'I am cringe, but I am free'. And I am glad you found that out for yourself.
Gotta find a balance. I thought I already had one before last week, but boy was I wrong.
Hey, did you buy End of Dragons? I haven't had much an urge to play it yet, but I'll get through the story eventually.
I did not. My friend, and basically the reason why I played the game, quit and I haven't wanted to go back. I went to 14 instead with her. but I may return once mroe comes out for gw2. I am kinda interested.
I dabble in the 3D art world a bit and, while I'm terrible at it, I've always enjoyed working within it. As you may be able to relate, I have to work on this stuff outside of normal human hours and keep an ear out for other family members that may attempt to wander into my office out of curiousity to see what I'm working on. ( I really don't feel like explaining why there is a nude $random_furry in a very NSFW scene on my screen if I'm not fast enough to shift screens before they can get eyes on my monitor. )
I can't exactly tell others within my very small circle about it, but it is what it is.
Your stories are quite amazing and I'm always on the lookout for anything else you may write. I haven't seen anything new from you in some time so I was beginning to wonder if you were still in the business of writing.
Glad to see my concerns were unwarranted :P
Glad to have you back bruv!
It's only in recent times I've actually started figuring myself out and coming to terms with myself and my interests, if slowly. Even if I haven't expressed myself face-to-face with anyone as of yet, it has still been a massive help to actually talk to someone about it, even if it's just through text, and even more so when it turned out that the people in question understood it! All those years of thinking you're alone, and then there is this entire group of people that came from a very similar place who helped lift a huge burden from my own shoulders, and I'm glad to hear they've seemingly done the same for you.
And of course a new project is lovely news to be had. I've always found your writing amusing and compelling, so it's a real treat to hear you're working on something again. Best wishes as always!
I’m glad your coming out of your “shell”, shedding your old scales so to speak.😉
Glad to hear you're back on the h̶o̶r̶s̶e̶ dragon. We're all happy you're doing well!