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I'm still here.
3 years ago
I haven't written a journal entry here in two years. I guess things just got away from me. It's not been a fun ride after all (for any of us).
I spent much of early 2020 dealing with the fall out of catching Covid before Big Government even admitted it was in the Country (December 2019). I am still dealing with Long-Covid's after effects. Then I got furloughed for a month in March.... which sucked up much of my savings. My dog was also diagnosed with terminal Cancer in August of that year, everything pretty much went sideways after that. I spent the winter of 2020-21 dealing with my dog's palliative care as she declined on top of my own health problems, which was extremely difficult. It put a massive strain on my mental health and impacted a lot of my creative energy. Then on the first of June 2021 my dog passed, and things got even worse. The remainder of 2021 is sort of a blur of pain and dark thoughts. My Depression and Dissociative disorder came back ten fold, amplified by social isolation and a very long grieving process. I also estranged myself from some of my family who's presence in my life wasn't helpful, and everything pretty much sucked. I stayed away from people, even online. Places I used to frequent and be active in... I pulled away. No point in bringing my problems into spaces where others come to get away from theirs after all.
And so far this year is pretty much more of the same. Stress, depression, anxiety, chronic illness, and the world on fire. Art hasn't come easy. I'm exhausted a lot of the time, most of my spoons are spent at work, just day to day survival takes everything I have. Not much left over for creative outlets at the end of the day. I still try to doodle. What I do manage, I post on my twitter (@bigTpitty). I'm trying to finish bigger projects, but it takes so much more out of me now compared to pre-2021. It's hard to draw when I'm to tired to hold onto a thought or lift a pen. u_u'
I'm not sitting here writing a sob story wanting attention, I just want to let the few who might have noticed my inactivity know what's been going on. I'm still around. Just, more of a ghost or shadow... I lurk quietly, I watch and hope others are doing ok. I hope ya'll are alright and taking care of yourselves. <3
I spent much of early 2020 dealing with the fall out of catching Covid before Big Government even admitted it was in the Country (December 2019). I am still dealing with Long-Covid's after effects. Then I got furloughed for a month in March.... which sucked up much of my savings. My dog was also diagnosed with terminal Cancer in August of that year, everything pretty much went sideways after that. I spent the winter of 2020-21 dealing with my dog's palliative care as she declined on top of my own health problems, which was extremely difficult. It put a massive strain on my mental health and impacted a lot of my creative energy. Then on the first of June 2021 my dog passed, and things got even worse. The remainder of 2021 is sort of a blur of pain and dark thoughts. My Depression and Dissociative disorder came back ten fold, amplified by social isolation and a very long grieving process. I also estranged myself from some of my family who's presence in my life wasn't helpful, and everything pretty much sucked. I stayed away from people, even online. Places I used to frequent and be active in... I pulled away. No point in bringing my problems into spaces where others come to get away from theirs after all.
And so far this year is pretty much more of the same. Stress, depression, anxiety, chronic illness, and the world on fire. Art hasn't come easy. I'm exhausted a lot of the time, most of my spoons are spent at work, just day to day survival takes everything I have. Not much left over for creative outlets at the end of the day. I still try to doodle. What I do manage, I post on my twitter (@bigTpitty). I'm trying to finish bigger projects, but it takes so much more out of me now compared to pre-2021. It's hard to draw when I'm to tired to hold onto a thought or lift a pen. u_u'
I'm not sitting here writing a sob story wanting attention, I just want to let the few who might have noticed my inactivity know what's been going on. I'm still around. Just, more of a ghost or shadow... I lurk quietly, I watch and hope others are doing ok. I hope ya'll are alright and taking care of yourselves. <3
You have a community of people who care a great deal about your well being.
But I would like to add a friendly reminder there are counselors out there who'd likely help you manage some of what is going on and guide you through these....rather extreme historical moments so you don't have to feel like you are burdening anyone.
I'm sorry you've gone through so much and I am hoping for much better things for you this year. Try to get yourself out and interacting with people again. It helps a lot, even if it feels like a huge effort.
There are parts of this that I very much get. Depression and I are old and bitter friends. And I've seen my big sister get absolutely clobbered by the long Covid. But to get both at once? Compounded by bereavement? Dark times. I'm impressed you're still even approximately in one piece.
I wish I knew how to help. I wish I had the strength and resources to help. But I hear, and at least partly understand. I hope you'll make it through. I hope we all will.
If socializing doesn't feel good it's fine to need downtime to yourself but don't ever feel like you have to stay away or bring things down.
Same with art, you're a fantastic artist and when you want to draw/doodle/paint than try but if you're not feeling it, that's okay too. You have a very physical and draining job plus I've always felt art should be expression and when you're not in the mood to express then don't force it.
I always look forward to your conversations and never feel like you have to stay away. :)
I hope they will one day find a treatment for long Covid. Have you spoken with your doctor about the anti-viral pills? If your doctor doesn't take you seriously, keep trying until you get one who does.
I hope the best for you and I've always loved you art.
If you saw what life was like in July 2024, I'm sure you'd say "The world's gone to hell." And while I might disagree with you, I miss having you around!
I hope you're living your BEST LIFE up there in Heaven, spending time with Taffy and enjoying the peace, quiet and solitude you often sought here on Earth.
Miss you, my friend! See you when it's time for me to depart this planet!