I'm writing this post a little late, maybe it's not very relevant anymore. Perhaps I write it more to speak out, because I can not write anything anti-war in my socials. Well, be that as it may, there are many letters further.

I am Russian. Until now, I did not consider it necessary to emphasize this - what difference does it make, from which country I draw. I didn't advertise it (^{_{I still haven't filled out any information about myself}}), but I didn't hide it either. But now I think that I should point it out - not everyone wants to work with Russians today (^{_{I haven't had anything like this yet, my customers here have been very supportive of me - I have always loved FA for its wonderful community - but editors from Lithuania refused to work with my sister, despite more than 10 years of cooperation}}), I understand this, so I don’t want to become an unpleasant surprise for anyone.

To be honest, I am a bad speaker, I can’t speak much and fluently, my English does not allow me to express all my thoughts (^{_{it's good to have google translate :)}} ), and my head is messy. Therefore, I will briefly try to say what I feel and think.

In Russian, I can express all this in one word - "Pizdets". In English, the closest thing is probably "fucking disaster". Our president turned out to be such a terrible politician that he completely pissed off the economic potential of our country, driving the people into poverty, the country into isolation, leaving himself the only argument in international political disputes - missiles, tanks and a “nuclear button”. But no one could imagine that he was so insane as to unleash a real war. Neither we, nor all those who for all these 20 years concluded contracts with him, negotiated, shook hands. I'm ashamed that we got to this point. That we turned a blind eye to many things, endured, hoped and believed in a better life. I am ashamed that I personally began to notice what was happening around me too late, I began to express my disagreement too late. When for this it was already necessary to obtain the consent of the authorities. For you, perhaps, it sounds strange and wild that you need to coordinate the holding of a rally with the government. And we are already used to it. It’s only getting more and more difficult to coordinate (read – impossible), and the punishment for holding and participating is getting tougher and tougher. Is it any wonder that very few people come out to express their disagreement. Our reality today is that the police can take away even a mother with children who are holding a “no war” banner. I understand that our fears do not compare with the fear of people who are forced to hide in bomb shelters. And here I have nothing to say, except that I am ashamed of our humility, our irresponsibility, our inertia, our selfishness, I am ashamed of the actions of my state, I am very sympathetic to the Ukrainians. I didn't choose this government, but that doesn't make it any easier. It is still our responsibility. We Russians have a long way to go to pay for our decision not to participate in the political life of our country.

With each new news about the closure of another independent media, about a new law that toughens punishment for dissent, for expressing one's disagreement with the policy of the authorities, hearing opinions that in order to lift sanctions, we need to hit Europe, there is less and less hope in me that I will see the prosperity of Russia. My salary is about $420, my debts on loans are about $7,000 )))))) I hope to pay them off and leave for some country where the state cares about the lives and freedoms of people, their own and others.

So, I am Russian, I am ashamed, hurt, scared, I don’t know what to do and where to run. And there are a lot of us here, who feel the same way. And a lot more, who doesn’t understand yet, afraid to face the truth. But they will.

I wish all of us peace, happiness and confidence in the future.