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It's time to chat: Commissions/Refunds/Workflow
3 years ago
I've been hesitant to talk about my personal life in too much detail because I've never felt it was really appropriate but when it's become such a big factor in my work, I feel like it's time that I open up and speak about exactly what has been going on for me in the last two years to better explain why my work flow and art output have been so heavily delayed.
For those who do not want to read further, I will get to the main point here and now: If you have a commission with me that has not yet been completed and want to discuss it with me, please feel free to email me at Anuvia@gmail.com; If you don't get a response within about 48 hours, please send me an FA note as I've been having issues with gmail and the spam folder. If you'd like a refund, the option is there or you can choose to wait it out with me; I will not be bothered by either choice and will be glad to accommodate as much as I can. My original goal was to try and clear my queue out by the end of March but due to my living situation, this wasn't viable and I want to formally extend this offer to anyone on my queue.
With that being said, it's time to get into the personal stuff and by no means, is anyone obligated to read beyond here, but I wanted to be transparent with things to help explain why someone who formally used to be well known for my quick turn around times ended up being so slow. Typing this out has been hard because I feel ashamed to have to even discuss my private life, let alone relive some of the thigs I've been through, but I feel like it needs to be discussed. Please keep in mind that this is more or less a "tip of the iceberg" thing and I'm only really detailing the important things to keep this from becoming a novel.
The Start / Fiancé cheats and walks out
For those who weren't aware; Back in December of 2018 I was formally engaged. My partner at the time was quite the character and you all know how rose colored glasses can be. He forced me to abandon a lot of my hobbies, told me I couldn't talk to male friends online anymore, and after plans to move to another state were cancelled he refused to get new roommates to occupy the house I had been renting in Arizona for several years before. He demanded we keep the place alone, just the two of us to be more like a "real couple". This was his first time living out of his family's house and I don't think he understood the reality of the situation, however he would not back down and I caved. We considered moving into a smaller place, however the housing market in the US (and especially in Arizona) made our options for smaller places just as expensive, if not more than the price we had already been locked into, even with rent increases. I made the majority of income between us and was often the one who had to cover for his short comings and support him as well. It was a struggle, but I always made sure we got by.
Before dating, my partner at the time was well aware that I am aesexual and was okay with this fact, however on the rare occasion I could find it in me to be able to "perform" and I guess this gave him the wrong idea. He began to emotionally manipulate me and gaslight me for not giving enough sex, and no matter what I said it was never enough of a reason. I offered the option of having an open relationship but he refused stating "I'd rather die than cheat, and that is cheating"; I even later found out he proposed to me under the impression that it would make me put out more. Instead, this led to him trying to break up with me and said he needed space, so I went to my family's place for a week. I had a suspicion there was something going on and got a ride with my father to bring me back home without warning. We both walked in to find him packing up things in the house (many of which were mine) and with his new girlfriend sitting on the couch. He had been cheating on me and planned to rob me blind and run before I came home, only after having sex with this girl in -my bed- multiple times while I was away and letting the dogs pee inside the house instead of letting them outside because he was too busy with his new girl to acknowledge them. It was a horrific mess that I was left to clean up. As you can imagine, this did not go well and he refused to communicate further; He grabbed what he could carry and walked out. For months, he never came back but also refused to pay his end of living expenses on house we rented despite being a cosigner on the lease. He was claiming to pay shared bills but was instead pocketing the money and letting me come to find utilities turned off. He did come back and tried to extort me for ownership of the dog we got together, stating that I could keep her if I wouldn't try to get him to pay for his end of the bills/etc before throwing a tantrum and wrapping a leash around the dog's neck and trying to drag her out the front door, choking her. This was a whole incident in itself.
I was suddenly all alone in a four bedroom house, I couldn't afford to break the lease and if I did, I had nowhere to go. I had to fight a pseudo custody battle over the dog because I refused to give her up after he choked her, I had to pay everything myself and my savings dwindled. Battling with him over the dog, finances, transferring bills to my name, etc kept me busy all day every damn day, It was exhausting and just made me feel so alone, abandoned and undesirable on top of overwhelmed. Depression came in hard and set the precedent for the emotional downward spiral I would continue to experience.
Medical Issues
During this time of being alone, I also suffered multiple medical issues; After he left, I was in charge of all the household chores (not that he did many before) and while being in the backyard pulling weeds, I made the mistake of wearing short-shorts. It's Arizona, so it gets pretty toasty outside and I didn't really think about much else other than my comfort. About a week later, I was feeling very ill and actually worried it may have been covid, as this was when it was starting to become a pandemic. Every night I was getting sicker and sicker and I felt like I was going to die. While laying in bed, I noticed a pain on my right buttock where the butt meets the leg and decided to go to an Urgent Care the next day. I am always reluctant to get medical attention when I need it because due to my obligations as a provider for not just my former fiancé, but my ex prior, insurance was not something I could afford so I've always had to "gut through" any issues. In this case, I made the right call as when I entered the exam room and showed them the painful spot, it ended up being a venomous spider bite. The staff were amazed that I was able to even stand or walk, let alone drive myself to the Urgent Care. It turned out, I was suffering from septic shock due to the bite causing tissue to die under my skin. They immediately had to cut out the section of the bite in the office and access the situation; The cavity beneath the bite was incredibly large and had to be cleaned out and be packed with gauze -every day for two weeks-; The staff had also never seen this type of bite before and were asking for consent documenting it, which I gave so maybe someday, my butt will be in an Arizona physician's book or something, lol. I spent every day for the two weeks around my birthday going to that Urgent care for them to empty and repack the gauze and it was utter misery. I was told that, had I waited another 24-48 hours, I would have been in the ICU fighting for my life and I "felt" like I was dying because I was.
Because I'm not shy about this (and because I find medical stuff interesting), I've decided to share pictures snapped by the doctors of my poor, bruised and battered bum on my behalf. Content Warning; open wound:
-> The wound after it had been cut and filled with gauze
-> Marker drawn around the wound to illustrate how extensive the damage under the skin was
As you could imagine, mundane tasks like, even sitting at my desk became impossible for weeks. During this time, I also broke my toewhile trying to pack my Ex's things up since he refused to come get them (and popped the toe back into place myself) and had a dental emergency that took me out for a few days, too.
Again, I did not have insurance so what little funds I had left in savings were drained quickly.
More recently, I also caught Covid via means of an anti-vax family member and it took me out for a considerable amount of time.
Home/Financial Issues
Because of all the things happening to me throughout that span of a year, my time became so very very limited to work, and because I promised myself to never become an artist that keeps taking coms when I cannot finish them, I stopped taking commissions, no matter how far my savings sunk. On rare occasions when I could finish a batch, I'd take a few more but I never took very many. I couldn't bring myself to open for more when I had a backlog and this put me further into the hole. I began doing work as a doordash driver on the side to try and keep my head above water and would sell adopts when I had the time. I wasn't doing great financially but at least I was still able to work and get things done. I eventually did get one room mate, however they could not afford to pay a fair split of rent, but I let them come anyways because any help on the rent/utilities was better than none, however towards the end of their time there, they were let go of work due to having multiple hospital visits that caused them to take time off of work, leaving the utilities on me mostly. Other small, but expensive occurrences kept happening and I was starting to drown financially.
The company I had been renting this house from was not the greatest and I had so many issues with them. I originally rented the property in 2015 from a different company but they ended up selling off all their properties and contracts to a new one and I was suddenly told my pet deposits were now nonrefundable fees and they never responded to any problems or maintenance requests in a timely manner. When the air conditioning broke in the dead of Arizona summer (usually around 110-115 °F / 43-46°C), they made the house near unlivable for 10 days before they fixed the unit (In Arizona, it is the law that landlords must repair air units within ten days, they waited the longest they could). When the ceiling later developed a leak form improper air conditioning installation, I called the emergency line and was told "they'd get to it"; Over a week later my ceiling caved in because no one came to do anything about it.
Eventually, I discovered my rental company was trying to get more money for the house and decided to evict me with no appeal to stay unless I was willing to pay $1000 more than I already did, and that just was not possible given the rent way already raised to $1950 by this point. The housing market in Phoenix had grown so much that the property I rented in 2015 for $1475 was (after I left) relisted for $3000 per month and all other options in the area were out of my price range. I had nowhere to go, no savings, no nothing so I took what money I had left and began preparing for a move. It was decided I would be living with my family in the meantime until the market settled down but my family are not the most kind of people so I was told that I would only be allowed to bring some clothes and my PC; Everything else I owned was to be put in a storage unit where it still remains. The move was horrendous for me and for a few months, it was just me spending my time Packing/sorting/etc everything in that house by myself. It was grueling, emotionally impactful to find things left by not just one, but two previous partners, former roomates, etc. I was sorting and running things to goodwill every day, especially towards the end while trying to manage working, friends, etc. My room mate and I did hire movers to take the heavy furniture to the storage unit (which also keeps raising it's rates), but we couldn't afford to keep them to move boxes. My roommate ended up leaving earlier than I did and I had to make dozens upon dozens of trips to the storage unit, fitting whatever boxes I could into my small car and dragging them up and down the floors by myself. I was so overwhelmed, stressed, broke, and tired that I was feeling more than ill at this time; I passed out at the storage unit one evening for a short period of time; I fell down the stairs carrying heavy books, I was covered in bruises and cuts and my depression that had been growing was devouring me alive. By the day I had to leave, I didn't even mage to get all my things; I had to leave so many personal items, memories, etc and it still haunts me when I lay down at night. A statue of a wolf my grandmother bought me 15 years ago was the final casualty; It fell out of the back of my car and shattered in the driveway as I was putting the last things in to leave and I broke down. It was the final straw.
On November 2nd, 2021, I pulled out from the driveway of the place I called home for nearly 7 years and never looked back. I was on my way back to Southern California to live with family, which was going to be way worse than I could have anticipated.
Current Life / Depression / Abuse
Since November, I have been living with my family. My mother and father are your "typical" boomers where I have to listen to right-wing conspiracies all day and night and they constantly assert that Trump is a god and speak poorly of LGBTQ persons; As one myself, this is extremely taxing on a daily basis. But that's nothing compared to the way I am treated here. Not a single day goes by without one of my parents reminding me that I am a complete waste of space, a failure, a "fat piece of shit" or say things like "if you weren't so useless maybe we wouldn't pick on you". Every little aspect of me is constantly being beat down and my mother actively goes out of her way to do harmful things to me. The abuse is honestly nonstop and I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details, but for the close friends I disclose these incidents to, they can verify that it's pretty darn bad.
By living here, my time is not my own; During the day, I am required to be on call for whatever task they want completed from things as mundane as "run downstairs and bring me up a drink" to "If you don't wash the floors in the whole house, we will be turning off the wifi". Every. Day. The bedroom I've been assigned to live in has no lock on the door and my parents burst in whenever they feel like to give an inspection/insult me. I am not allowed to put my PC in my room though; It's in a small storage area that it'ss own weird little room that has no airflow, ventilation and is packed wall to wall with things my family is storing. My desk is a hand me down that is wedged between towers of stuff that I am not allowed to move. During the day, it's hot and muggy in this area and at night, I need to work in utter silence to make sure I don't wake them up. I'm also forbidden from sleeping in late, despite staying up to see the sunrise when I try to work. I have -no privacy- either, as the storage area I am forced to work in has no door; just a basically transparent curtain that people walk in and out of as they please. I've begged to move my PC into the room I'm staying in, even if it would be oppressively cramped but I'm always met with rants about how ungrateful and entitled I am so I gave up. Unfortunately, I am the child of an unwanted pregnancy that forced two people to get married that otherwise didn't want to and I am reminded of that near daily. I can't leave at the moment because the market rates of rentals -and the requirements to even have the pleasure of paying to apply- are beyond my reach right now, so this is where I am stuck for the time being. I try my best to work as often as I can muster, but on some days where I am home alone as of late, there's another big problem effecting me....
Depression.
I understand that depression is not something that just stop someone from doing their job, but as of late the weight of everything from the last several years and beyond has just been too much to bare and I'm embarrassed to admit that it's overtaken me. I've been fighting it as hard as I could over the last few years, but it's been such a losing battle that I feel like I've lost so much of myself. I don't find much joy in any of my hobbies anymore, I've hit a point where not only have I stopped eating much anymore, but I've developed an aversion to food that's caused a rapid weightloss for me that while, yes I am overweight, is not a healthy way to lose weight. I cannot sleep at night, I'm constantly getting hurt/sick/etc, Anxiety has suddenly become a serious issue for me, I'm always exhausted/fatigued when I can sleep and in the last month or so, I've felt as if the "life" has begun leaving my body. I genuinely do not mean to sound overdramatic, but I can't find another way to express the feelings I've been experiencing. The depression I've been experiencing is utterly debilitating and often times, I'll stare at a blank canvas and burst into tears because I can't bring myself to create. I have forced my way through it on many days, but others I find myself curling into bed and crying. Between my ex-fiancé, my parents and -especially- my ex-partner before that, the amount of emotional abuse I've suffered has made me feel distant and unlovable making me close myself off. Suddenly finding myself alone in that big house left an emptiness in my chest and then losing that place I called home for 7 years devastated me. In a single swoop, I felt as if I lost everything; My freedom, my independence and self reliance, etc. Tenfold after finding myself here in my own family's home where I'm made to feel like human scum for my shortcomings and failures. Guilt plagues me constantly for all my mistakes and failures; Every day that goes by and I don't draw something, I feel guilty. Every time I see my commission list and don't make progress, I break. The severity of this depression has made even the simplest of tasks for me feel impossible; Just getting dressed or leaving my bed is a task; I breakdown crying without even knowing why and thoughts of wanting to just lay down and never wake up or worse plague me. This year, I spent my 33rd birthday in utter despair, to such an extent I was genuinely about to admit myself to the ER for safety's sake. Some days are better than others, but overall it's been getting worse as time goes on and everyday I look in the mirror and think to myself "That's not "me" anymore" and it scares me.
Moving Forward
As things currently stand, I'm working to fix my circumstances as much as I possibly can. I am grateful to have close friends I love dearly and they've helped me start to feel worthy of love again. An upside to financially crippling myself was that upon moving back to CA, I was able to get myself health insurance for the first time in over a decade and I have already made preparations to seek medical assistance and guidance on my depression so I can resume a functional state. This is my top priority right now as well as getting other medical issues I've been forced to neglect taken care of (Hypothyroidism). I have been working still, but the pace is admittingly slow, but still doing my damndest. While where I live right now is a huge factor in my mental/emotional state, the sooner I can rebuild my savings the sooner I can get out of here and back to having my own life, and that is what I will be doing from here on out.
Art/Commissions
My goal right now is to clear out my queue, be it in refunds or finished work and start fresh. It causes me extreme anxiety/discomfort to have outstanding work, and some of you have been so patient with me that I can never begin to express how grateful I am for it. I understand completely that all of these issues I've been having are not your problem at all, nor have I ever truly vocalized them publicly in such a fashion before. I apologize for not being more upfront with what's been going on, I just genuinely never want to make my life problems anyone else's, nor do I ever think I deserve sympathy for the long wait. What matters most to me is making things right and this is my open call for folks to clean things up. You all deserve it, and quite honestly, I need it. I want to start fresh, I want to come back to enjoying what I do and I want to win the battle against this depression and put the last few years behind me.
One of my biggest mistakes has been the fact I have been underpricing my work for far too long. I always used to consider myself a "budget friendly" artist but in the end, I was just hurting myself too much to do it. In the past, I was able to do 8 commissions in a single day, but ever since the SWAT incident, my wrists cannot keep up with that kind of schedule. I take longer than ever before for each piece now, but I hadn't really raised my prices to reflect that change. Additionally, in spending more time on them, I've come to really analyze my work and refine aspects of it, to which I think had been of great benefit to it if you ask me. The amount of time and care I've been putting into finished work these days has been paying off, at least in my opinion, and I'd much rather focus on quality as opposed to being "cheap". It's given me a renewed enjoyment for my craft and I've been finding myself more able to win the battle against my depression to draw. Drawing/being an artist is one of the most important things to me in my life; It's what I love and I never want to abandon it, but I will need to rethink how I approach it and learn to value myself more. I've never considered myself to be an especially "good" artist; Heck I often refer to myself as "a low tier" artist and I think in doing so, I was lowering my self worth in the process. No more of that.
In Conclusion:
If you've read this far, I genuinely appreciate it. I know that long, rambling "woe is me" types of journals can be very off putting or make people run away from an artist; It's for these reasons I held so much in for so long to my own detriment. If I have learned anything from the last few years it's that -it's okay if you can't handle things all by yourself and it's okay to ask for help. The longer you kill yourself to try and do it alone, the worse off you'll be for it-. I'm going to do everything I can to move forward and be the best damn artist I can and the support people give me in my work drives me so much and I wouldn't be half the artist I am now without you all. Thank you for liking what I do; From those who've followed me for over a decade, to those who are newer followers, you have my sincerest gratitude and I hope I can continue to produce stuff -we both like-!
If You have an Existing Commission with Me
Please shoot me an email at anuvia[at]gmail.com with the title "Commission" and think about what you'd like to do from here on out! If you got a commission and want to keep it, I will absolutely honor the old prices and offer you to change the idea/character/etc for the slot. If you'd rather have a refund, please know that is also okay and by no means is my journal here meant to try and guilt you out of asking for that; I want you to do what you think is best for YOU! I will hold no ill will and you'll be welcome to commission me again in the future once I am back in the saddle and back to being the reputable artist I was in the past.
-IMPORTANT- If you email me and don't hear back within about 48 hours, feel free to send me a poke either here via Private Message or DM me on twitter. Gmail has always given me such strange issues about sending emails to spam, so in the coming weeks I plan to make a new email PURELY for commission conversations and ONLY commission conversations to help alleviate this issue since nothing else has (even speaking to support). Just understand that I am absolutely not ignoring anyone on purpose!
Thank you again and know I love you all!
For those who do not want to read further, I will get to the main point here and now: If you have a commission with me that has not yet been completed and want to discuss it with me, please feel free to email me at Anuvia@gmail.com; If you don't get a response within about 48 hours, please send me an FA note as I've been having issues with gmail and the spam folder. If you'd like a refund, the option is there or you can choose to wait it out with me; I will not be bothered by either choice and will be glad to accommodate as much as I can. My original goal was to try and clear my queue out by the end of March but due to my living situation, this wasn't viable and I want to formally extend this offer to anyone on my queue.
With that being said, it's time to get into the personal stuff and by no means, is anyone obligated to read beyond here, but I wanted to be transparent with things to help explain why someone who formally used to be well known for my quick turn around times ended up being so slow. Typing this out has been hard because I feel ashamed to have to even discuss my private life, let alone relive some of the thigs I've been through, but I feel like it needs to be discussed. Please keep in mind that this is more or less a "tip of the iceberg" thing and I'm only really detailing the important things to keep this from becoming a novel.
The Start / Fiancé cheats and walks out
For those who weren't aware; Back in December of 2018 I was formally engaged. My partner at the time was quite the character and you all know how rose colored glasses can be. He forced me to abandon a lot of my hobbies, told me I couldn't talk to male friends online anymore, and after plans to move to another state were cancelled he refused to get new roommates to occupy the house I had been renting in Arizona for several years before. He demanded we keep the place alone, just the two of us to be more like a "real couple". This was his first time living out of his family's house and I don't think he understood the reality of the situation, however he would not back down and I caved. We considered moving into a smaller place, however the housing market in the US (and especially in Arizona) made our options for smaller places just as expensive, if not more than the price we had already been locked into, even with rent increases. I made the majority of income between us and was often the one who had to cover for his short comings and support him as well. It was a struggle, but I always made sure we got by.
Before dating, my partner at the time was well aware that I am aesexual and was okay with this fact, however on the rare occasion I could find it in me to be able to "perform" and I guess this gave him the wrong idea. He began to emotionally manipulate me and gaslight me for not giving enough sex, and no matter what I said it was never enough of a reason. I offered the option of having an open relationship but he refused stating "I'd rather die than cheat, and that is cheating"; I even later found out he proposed to me under the impression that it would make me put out more. Instead, this led to him trying to break up with me and said he needed space, so I went to my family's place for a week. I had a suspicion there was something going on and got a ride with my father to bring me back home without warning. We both walked in to find him packing up things in the house (many of which were mine) and with his new girlfriend sitting on the couch. He had been cheating on me and planned to rob me blind and run before I came home, only after having sex with this girl in -my bed- multiple times while I was away and letting the dogs pee inside the house instead of letting them outside because he was too busy with his new girl to acknowledge them. It was a horrific mess that I was left to clean up. As you can imagine, this did not go well and he refused to communicate further; He grabbed what he could carry and walked out. For months, he never came back but also refused to pay his end of living expenses on house we rented despite being a cosigner on the lease. He was claiming to pay shared bills but was instead pocketing the money and letting me come to find utilities turned off. He did come back and tried to extort me for ownership of the dog we got together, stating that I could keep her if I wouldn't try to get him to pay for his end of the bills/etc before throwing a tantrum and wrapping a leash around the dog's neck and trying to drag her out the front door, choking her. This was a whole incident in itself.
I was suddenly all alone in a four bedroom house, I couldn't afford to break the lease and if I did, I had nowhere to go. I had to fight a pseudo custody battle over the dog because I refused to give her up after he choked her, I had to pay everything myself and my savings dwindled. Battling with him over the dog, finances, transferring bills to my name, etc kept me busy all day every damn day, It was exhausting and just made me feel so alone, abandoned and undesirable on top of overwhelmed. Depression came in hard and set the precedent for the emotional downward spiral I would continue to experience.
Medical Issues
During this time of being alone, I also suffered multiple medical issues; After he left, I was in charge of all the household chores (not that he did many before) and while being in the backyard pulling weeds, I made the mistake of wearing short-shorts. It's Arizona, so it gets pretty toasty outside and I didn't really think about much else other than my comfort. About a week later, I was feeling very ill and actually worried it may have been covid, as this was when it was starting to become a pandemic. Every night I was getting sicker and sicker and I felt like I was going to die. While laying in bed, I noticed a pain on my right buttock where the butt meets the leg and decided to go to an Urgent Care the next day. I am always reluctant to get medical attention when I need it because due to my obligations as a provider for not just my former fiancé, but my ex prior, insurance was not something I could afford so I've always had to "gut through" any issues. In this case, I made the right call as when I entered the exam room and showed them the painful spot, it ended up being a venomous spider bite. The staff were amazed that I was able to even stand or walk, let alone drive myself to the Urgent Care. It turned out, I was suffering from septic shock due to the bite causing tissue to die under my skin. They immediately had to cut out the section of the bite in the office and access the situation; The cavity beneath the bite was incredibly large and had to be cleaned out and be packed with gauze -every day for two weeks-; The staff had also never seen this type of bite before and were asking for consent documenting it, which I gave so maybe someday, my butt will be in an Arizona physician's book or something, lol. I spent every day for the two weeks around my birthday going to that Urgent care for them to empty and repack the gauze and it was utter misery. I was told that, had I waited another 24-48 hours, I would have been in the ICU fighting for my life and I "felt" like I was dying because I was.
Because I'm not shy about this (and because I find medical stuff interesting), I've decided to share pictures snapped by the doctors of my poor, bruised and battered bum on my behalf. Content Warning; open wound:
-> The wound after it had been cut and filled with gauze
-> Marker drawn around the wound to illustrate how extensive the damage under the skin was
As you could imagine, mundane tasks like, even sitting at my desk became impossible for weeks. During this time, I also broke my toewhile trying to pack my Ex's things up since he refused to come get them (and popped the toe back into place myself) and had a dental emergency that took me out for a few days, too.
Again, I did not have insurance so what little funds I had left in savings were drained quickly.
More recently, I also caught Covid via means of an anti-vax family member and it took me out for a considerable amount of time.
Home/Financial Issues
Because of all the things happening to me throughout that span of a year, my time became so very very limited to work, and because I promised myself to never become an artist that keeps taking coms when I cannot finish them, I stopped taking commissions, no matter how far my savings sunk. On rare occasions when I could finish a batch, I'd take a few more but I never took very many. I couldn't bring myself to open for more when I had a backlog and this put me further into the hole. I began doing work as a doordash driver on the side to try and keep my head above water and would sell adopts when I had the time. I wasn't doing great financially but at least I was still able to work and get things done. I eventually did get one room mate, however they could not afford to pay a fair split of rent, but I let them come anyways because any help on the rent/utilities was better than none, however towards the end of their time there, they were let go of work due to having multiple hospital visits that caused them to take time off of work, leaving the utilities on me mostly. Other small, but expensive occurrences kept happening and I was starting to drown financially.
The company I had been renting this house from was not the greatest and I had so many issues with them. I originally rented the property in 2015 from a different company but they ended up selling off all their properties and contracts to a new one and I was suddenly told my pet deposits were now nonrefundable fees and they never responded to any problems or maintenance requests in a timely manner. When the air conditioning broke in the dead of Arizona summer (usually around 110-115 °F / 43-46°C), they made the house near unlivable for 10 days before they fixed the unit (In Arizona, it is the law that landlords must repair air units within ten days, they waited the longest they could). When the ceiling later developed a leak form improper air conditioning installation, I called the emergency line and was told "they'd get to it"; Over a week later my ceiling caved in because no one came to do anything about it.
Eventually, I discovered my rental company was trying to get more money for the house and decided to evict me with no appeal to stay unless I was willing to pay $1000 more than I already did, and that just was not possible given the rent way already raised to $1950 by this point. The housing market in Phoenix had grown so much that the property I rented in 2015 for $1475 was (after I left) relisted for $3000 per month and all other options in the area were out of my price range. I had nowhere to go, no savings, no nothing so I took what money I had left and began preparing for a move. It was decided I would be living with my family in the meantime until the market settled down but my family are not the most kind of people so I was told that I would only be allowed to bring some clothes and my PC; Everything else I owned was to be put in a storage unit where it still remains. The move was horrendous for me and for a few months, it was just me spending my time Packing/sorting/etc everything in that house by myself. It was grueling, emotionally impactful to find things left by not just one, but two previous partners, former roomates, etc. I was sorting and running things to goodwill every day, especially towards the end while trying to manage working, friends, etc. My room mate and I did hire movers to take the heavy furniture to the storage unit (which also keeps raising it's rates), but we couldn't afford to keep them to move boxes. My roommate ended up leaving earlier than I did and I had to make dozens upon dozens of trips to the storage unit, fitting whatever boxes I could into my small car and dragging them up and down the floors by myself. I was so overwhelmed, stressed, broke, and tired that I was feeling more than ill at this time; I passed out at the storage unit one evening for a short period of time; I fell down the stairs carrying heavy books, I was covered in bruises and cuts and my depression that had been growing was devouring me alive. By the day I had to leave, I didn't even mage to get all my things; I had to leave so many personal items, memories, etc and it still haunts me when I lay down at night. A statue of a wolf my grandmother bought me 15 years ago was the final casualty; It fell out of the back of my car and shattered in the driveway as I was putting the last things in to leave and I broke down. It was the final straw.
On November 2nd, 2021, I pulled out from the driveway of the place I called home for nearly 7 years and never looked back. I was on my way back to Southern California to live with family, which was going to be way worse than I could have anticipated.
Current Life / Depression / Abuse
Since November, I have been living with my family. My mother and father are your "typical" boomers where I have to listen to right-wing conspiracies all day and night and they constantly assert that Trump is a god and speak poorly of LGBTQ persons; As one myself, this is extremely taxing on a daily basis. But that's nothing compared to the way I am treated here. Not a single day goes by without one of my parents reminding me that I am a complete waste of space, a failure, a "fat piece of shit" or say things like "if you weren't so useless maybe we wouldn't pick on you". Every little aspect of me is constantly being beat down and my mother actively goes out of her way to do harmful things to me. The abuse is honestly nonstop and I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details, but for the close friends I disclose these incidents to, they can verify that it's pretty darn bad.
By living here, my time is not my own; During the day, I am required to be on call for whatever task they want completed from things as mundane as "run downstairs and bring me up a drink" to "If you don't wash the floors in the whole house, we will be turning off the wifi". Every. Day. The bedroom I've been assigned to live in has no lock on the door and my parents burst in whenever they feel like to give an inspection/insult me. I am not allowed to put my PC in my room though; It's in a small storage area that it'ss own weird little room that has no airflow, ventilation and is packed wall to wall with things my family is storing. My desk is a hand me down that is wedged between towers of stuff that I am not allowed to move. During the day, it's hot and muggy in this area and at night, I need to work in utter silence to make sure I don't wake them up. I'm also forbidden from sleeping in late, despite staying up to see the sunrise when I try to work. I have -no privacy- either, as the storage area I am forced to work in has no door; just a basically transparent curtain that people walk in and out of as they please. I've begged to move my PC into the room I'm staying in, even if it would be oppressively cramped but I'm always met with rants about how ungrateful and entitled I am so I gave up. Unfortunately, I am the child of an unwanted pregnancy that forced two people to get married that otherwise didn't want to and I am reminded of that near daily. I can't leave at the moment because the market rates of rentals -and the requirements to even have the pleasure of paying to apply- are beyond my reach right now, so this is where I am stuck for the time being. I try my best to work as often as I can muster, but on some days where I am home alone as of late, there's another big problem effecting me....
Depression.
I understand that depression is not something that just stop someone from doing their job, but as of late the weight of everything from the last several years and beyond has just been too much to bare and I'm embarrassed to admit that it's overtaken me. I've been fighting it as hard as I could over the last few years, but it's been such a losing battle that I feel like I've lost so much of myself. I don't find much joy in any of my hobbies anymore, I've hit a point where not only have I stopped eating much anymore, but I've developed an aversion to food that's caused a rapid weightloss for me that while, yes I am overweight, is not a healthy way to lose weight. I cannot sleep at night, I'm constantly getting hurt/sick/etc, Anxiety has suddenly become a serious issue for me, I'm always exhausted/fatigued when I can sleep and in the last month or so, I've felt as if the "life" has begun leaving my body. I genuinely do not mean to sound overdramatic, but I can't find another way to express the feelings I've been experiencing. The depression I've been experiencing is utterly debilitating and often times, I'll stare at a blank canvas and burst into tears because I can't bring myself to create. I have forced my way through it on many days, but others I find myself curling into bed and crying. Between my ex-fiancé, my parents and -especially- my ex-partner before that, the amount of emotional abuse I've suffered has made me feel distant and unlovable making me close myself off. Suddenly finding myself alone in that big house left an emptiness in my chest and then losing that place I called home for 7 years devastated me. In a single swoop, I felt as if I lost everything; My freedom, my independence and self reliance, etc. Tenfold after finding myself here in my own family's home where I'm made to feel like human scum for my shortcomings and failures. Guilt plagues me constantly for all my mistakes and failures; Every day that goes by and I don't draw something, I feel guilty. Every time I see my commission list and don't make progress, I break. The severity of this depression has made even the simplest of tasks for me feel impossible; Just getting dressed or leaving my bed is a task; I breakdown crying without even knowing why and thoughts of wanting to just lay down and never wake up or worse plague me. This year, I spent my 33rd birthday in utter despair, to such an extent I was genuinely about to admit myself to the ER for safety's sake. Some days are better than others, but overall it's been getting worse as time goes on and everyday I look in the mirror and think to myself "That's not "me" anymore" and it scares me.
Moving Forward
As things currently stand, I'm working to fix my circumstances as much as I possibly can. I am grateful to have close friends I love dearly and they've helped me start to feel worthy of love again. An upside to financially crippling myself was that upon moving back to CA, I was able to get myself health insurance for the first time in over a decade and I have already made preparations to seek medical assistance and guidance on my depression so I can resume a functional state. This is my top priority right now as well as getting other medical issues I've been forced to neglect taken care of (Hypothyroidism). I have been working still, but the pace is admittingly slow, but still doing my damndest. While where I live right now is a huge factor in my mental/emotional state, the sooner I can rebuild my savings the sooner I can get out of here and back to having my own life, and that is what I will be doing from here on out.
Art/Commissions
My goal right now is to clear out my queue, be it in refunds or finished work and start fresh. It causes me extreme anxiety/discomfort to have outstanding work, and some of you have been so patient with me that I can never begin to express how grateful I am for it. I understand completely that all of these issues I've been having are not your problem at all, nor have I ever truly vocalized them publicly in such a fashion before. I apologize for not being more upfront with what's been going on, I just genuinely never want to make my life problems anyone else's, nor do I ever think I deserve sympathy for the long wait. What matters most to me is making things right and this is my open call for folks to clean things up. You all deserve it, and quite honestly, I need it. I want to start fresh, I want to come back to enjoying what I do and I want to win the battle against this depression and put the last few years behind me.
One of my biggest mistakes has been the fact I have been underpricing my work for far too long. I always used to consider myself a "budget friendly" artist but in the end, I was just hurting myself too much to do it. In the past, I was able to do 8 commissions in a single day, but ever since the SWAT incident, my wrists cannot keep up with that kind of schedule. I take longer than ever before for each piece now, but I hadn't really raised my prices to reflect that change. Additionally, in spending more time on them, I've come to really analyze my work and refine aspects of it, to which I think had been of great benefit to it if you ask me. The amount of time and care I've been putting into finished work these days has been paying off, at least in my opinion, and I'd much rather focus on quality as opposed to being "cheap". It's given me a renewed enjoyment for my craft and I've been finding myself more able to win the battle against my depression to draw. Drawing/being an artist is one of the most important things to me in my life; It's what I love and I never want to abandon it, but I will need to rethink how I approach it and learn to value myself more. I've never considered myself to be an especially "good" artist; Heck I often refer to myself as "a low tier" artist and I think in doing so, I was lowering my self worth in the process. No more of that.
In Conclusion:
If you've read this far, I genuinely appreciate it. I know that long, rambling "woe is me" types of journals can be very off putting or make people run away from an artist; It's for these reasons I held so much in for so long to my own detriment. If I have learned anything from the last few years it's that -it's okay if you can't handle things all by yourself and it's okay to ask for help. The longer you kill yourself to try and do it alone, the worse off you'll be for it-. I'm going to do everything I can to move forward and be the best damn artist I can and the support people give me in my work drives me so much and I wouldn't be half the artist I am now without you all. Thank you for liking what I do; From those who've followed me for over a decade, to those who are newer followers, you have my sincerest gratitude and I hope I can continue to produce stuff -we both like-!
If You have an Existing Commission with Me
Please shoot me an email at anuvia[at]gmail.com with the title "Commission" and think about what you'd like to do from here on out! If you got a commission and want to keep it, I will absolutely honor the old prices and offer you to change the idea/character/etc for the slot. If you'd rather have a refund, please know that is also okay and by no means is my journal here meant to try and guilt you out of asking for that; I want you to do what you think is best for YOU! I will hold no ill will and you'll be welcome to commission me again in the future once I am back in the saddle and back to being the reputable artist I was in the past.
-IMPORTANT- If you email me and don't hear back within about 48 hours, feel free to send me a poke either here via Private Message or DM me on twitter. Gmail has always given me such strange issues about sending emails to spam, so in the coming weeks I plan to make a new email PURELY for commission conversations and ONLY commission conversations to help alleviate this issue since nothing else has (even speaking to support). Just understand that I am absolutely not ignoring anyone on purpose!
Thank you again and know I love you all!
I hope everything goes better for you going forward.
Is there anything we can do to help you move forward?
I don't know if you will remember me very well. I commissioned you for art at some point years ago. Not that it is important if you do not - but I dislike seeing anyone suffer - and to such an extent as you have.
You have a strong heart and will to be able to push on despite all the suffering you have endured. You mentioned you are in SoCal now? Hey, my neck of the woods! That's where I am too.
In regards to your relationship issues - hang in there! This world is full of broken people. I don't know if it helps to share this - but the old me - the version of myself that I used to be was not very good in relationships. I made a lot of mistakes! I don't think many people realize how important it is to devote yourself...your life - to your SO when you go into a relationship with someone. I believe a lot of people go into relationships expecting the other person will just fix all their problems instead of working on their own personality/behavioral issues - and this ends up in a lot of hurt/broken hearts.
I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience. Truth be told - before I gave my life over to Christ I probably would not have been a much better person than your boyfriend. I was selfish, had drug problems, fidelity issues, and I just wasn't a very happy person a lot of the time.
This world today - makes it /so/ easy to throw away precious relationships - and the furry fandom has a big lust or "just find and have fun with someone else" problem. There's no shortage of people out there - but in my humble opinion - a great many of these people are broken down easily by the temptations that are placed before them.
I know what it feels like to end up losing all that time and work invested in a relationship. It's rough - but I pray you will not let it break you down. It sounds like you have family who is at least willing to keep you off the streets. For what it is worth - having to be a servant to them is a small price to pay to not end up on the streets. I live with and look after my elderly mother - so I do lots of 'Get this, go here' type tasks. If you try to train your mind to have the servant mentality and just do it and try not to get upset, it gets easier with time.
So food delivery huh? That's what I'm doing right now - though I work with Grubhub. I don't really know what else to do. I'm not really great with retail type jobs and did the whole college thing instead of a trade school, which I kind of sort of regret. Oh well! It's something at least - and a good source of exercise.
I used to be pretty overweight a number of years ago, but with exercise and doing a lot of work on becoming wiser with diet and food intake - I managed to lose a good deal and hover around 150-155 these days. It is possible to get the number down - but i empathize with the struggle of it especially with everything else you have been dealing with. I'm sure you will get to where you want to be. I have faith in you! <3
I pray your friends will watch over you and take good care of you. If you do ever need a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to with your struggles however, feel free to send a message my way. Although I am a Christian now, I did spend a good 10-15 years prior as a transgender identifying individual. i managed to drop 2 drug habits that were with me for at least 10 years or so (cannabis, opiates), so I have a little bit of experience with some struggles at least - and I hate to see others suffering and struggling.
Stay strong Anuvia! You are a sweet and kind person. I will pray that good things are coming your way.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of that. You deserve far better.
If you need to chat or someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out to me.
I’m going to speak up on some of this because it really was a terrible ordeal for her.
Anuvia was a bit nice about the EX-fiancé thing. I have met a lot of good and bad people throughout my life, and I can say for sure that her old fiancé was by far one of the worst human beings I have ever met. He was a manipulative impulsive liar that did everything in his power to control Anuvia that he could think of.
After about a couple months of him living in the house he began to get pissy with Anuvia any time she would try to play ANY video game. It caused fights in the house, and I ended up taking him aside multiple times and putting my foot down over it. At which point he would just wait until I was in bed or not in the house to fuck with Anuvia. What it came down to is he was trying to control who she spent time with and he hated the idea that she was spending time with anyone other than him. He even directed this at me at times because while he was at work Anuvia and I would go run errands, hang out, or go to lunch/dinner. THINGS FRIENDS DO TOGETHER. He tried to control her access to ANYONE other than him. It got to the point where we barely had friends over, Anuvia stopped interacting and socializing with her local friends, and would withdraw to herself not even wanting to talk to me much if he was in the house. Basically, he tried to lord over her like he was her master and she was his housewife as if this were the 1950’s. He eventually even resorted to turning me and Anuvia against each other by lying to both of us about shit to try and shatter the friendship. The pieces to that puzzle did not come together until we met up a couple years later after he cheated on her and left her. And by cheating on her, and I am going to be blunter about this than Anuvia was, Her and her dad walked into the house and found a naked ass woman walking through her living room when she came back from a trip to her parents a day or two early. So the cheating wasn’t hearsay, he was caught pretty damn red-handed.
Anuvia was also covering the dude financially. I think when I lived there, he made maybe 15 an hour. Which after rent/utilities doesn’t leave him much after taxes (when he even did pay these things). He didn’t pay for jack shit and was a finical burden to the household. Smokes, food, ect were either bought by Anuvia or myself while I was there, and I don’t even think he was paying the rent all the time. He would also lie about his cost of living when most of the time all he had to purchase for himself were personal items and gasoline for his van (his parents would send him money for actual car repairs, so he wasn’t even paying for those). I am saying this part because the finical burden, even without the rental company issues, was the type that could take years for someone supporting someone like him to crawl out of. I know he got THOUSANDS out of me in 9 months I lived in the house with him there. I can’t even imagine what he took Anuvia for.
In addition to being mentally abusive to Anuvia he was also mentally and physically abusive to the dog I bought him. He really wanted a dog and thought for some reason that having a German Shepperd would make him a man (he was really big on having that Lord of the House image with other people, he wanted to be the big manly man despite others doing everything for him). My husky Sierra was about 2 years old at the time so I figured having another puppy would be good for the house so shed have another young dog to play with and would stop pestering the then 12-13 year old Kami. He did not really have the money and I didn’t want Anuvia to have to cover that cost as well so I gave him the money in cash for the dog. At first it started out OK, he loved the dog and all was well. After a bit though he became overly stern and began to hit the puppy as punishments for things puppies just naturally do. Eventually he stopped doing it around me because I finally told him not to do that shit but I am almost positive that he continued it when Anuvia and I were not looking. He began to ignore the puppy, who initially loved him more than any of us, and the task of taking care of the puppy fell to Anuvia and I, at least until I moved out. He would scream at her for no reason, ignore her when she showed him affection, hit her, and just generally be an abusive dick to this loving animal. Freya is such a sweetheart to, there isn’t a mean bone in her entire body. Even to this day the poor dog still shows signs of past abuse in the form of mild and random Neurotic behavior. Before anyone says anything like “Why didn’t you guys stop him” Well I did, but if we can’t see him doing it we have no proof of it and most the damage had been done already so I know I couldn’t be sure if it was continuing without seeing him doing it. I was not there when he flat out choked the dog, but the dude had a terrible anger to him, and the behavior described by Anuvia matches the person. When I moved out and back in with the family my mom also noticed Sierra was DEATHLY afraid of the broom. The mop she was fine with but if you pick up that damn broom she runs to the corner in terror. If you approach her with it, she pees. I know for a fact none of the other room mates were hitting Sierra with a broom, but I do know it was common for her fiancé to take anger out on animals. He also did not like me by the time my move date grew closer, and I am pretty sure he took that hatred out on my Husky while I was out of the house. She did not have the fear before he moved in but sure as hell did after. It also explains why he was the only person Sierra would shy away from in the house the last couple months I was there. He also threatened Anuvia with physical violence on his move out day. I do believe the only reason he didn’t try this shit when I was there is because I was bigger than him and he knew I would clean his fucking clock and use him to mop the floor if he tried threatening anyone in front of me. Things like this made him feel big but he wouldn’t do it to someone who could destroy him.
It short he created a nightmare situation and manipulated the ever-loving shit out of Anuvia. He made her feel as if she was worth nothing and did not deserve better than she had with him and could not find better if she tried. I also heard the same story from her family, who was present for a good deal of the parts I was not physically present for. He was hell to live with and getting the rest of the story from both Anuvia and her family did not surprise me. This is all I have to say about her fiancé because it is time to move on from him and I really don’t want to give him any more time than I already have here.
As for her current living conditions, her parents are some of the most controlling, meanspirited, and mentally abusive people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. They treat her like complete dogshit and the few times they visited the house while I lived there, they would bad mouth their own daughter to me when Anuvia was not around us. Anything good they do for her is held over her head until she does exactly what they want, and they always want twenty pounds of flesh for the ounce of flesh they give her. I can’t even call them conservative because what they say and do is well beyond conservatism. They are anti-vaccination conspiracy theorist authoritarians to the extreme. I don’t even think I can think of a good comparison because even trump looks well-mannered and tame next to them. She even must hide the fact she is vaccinated because it would send them into a rage. They talk down to her and do nothing but constantly talk negatively about her, even to her face. The first time I met her mother the very first conversation I had with her (before I even knew her) was about how terrible her daughter was (was a very one sided conversation that led to her parents hating me for about a year). She didn’t even know me and was doing this. Not to mention I see all the shitty little notes Anuvia has telegrammed me that her mom leaves for her around the house (and yes I’ve seen her mom’s handwriting, they are her notes). Its one of the most hostile living situations you could possibly find yourself in. Its one barrage of insults after another with no reprieve until they go to sleep. Keep in mind I am numb to name calling and shit but even I look at her parents and go HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
I also saw the house before she moved out. It had in fact begun to collapse and parts of the ceiling covered half the house. It should have been deemed derelict and the negligence the rental company showed was criminal. They were issues that they had ignored even when I lived there and called them hundreds of times about. The house was a sinking ship and due to the cost of moving it really was a bail the boat out as long as she could or sink trying. Why didn’t she move sooner? Well for one the house was too expensive to carry alone (not to mention the emotional damage and damage to her self-esteem her fiancé caused) and after seeing the bit about her parents you can see that it would be jumping from one frying pan to another. There was no optimal option available to her and the negligence of the rental company was criminal to say the least.
Why am I speaking up about all this? I know Anuvia has a backlog, and I did not want any commissioners thinking this journal was a ply for pity. It has been one shit situation after another since 2018 and the stuff that has happened to her could smother and burry even the strongest of people. I’ll probably have to apologize to Anuvia a few times after posting this, but I just want her everyone to realize just how fucking bad this entire situation has been for her.
P.S. Freya is in fact doing great now and Anuvia discovered a thunder jacket or harness will calm her down the few times she does show any issues. She has gotten loads better now that her ex-fiancé has been removed from the picture. She is a strong pupper and even that abusive asshole couldn’t crush her spirit.
Sadly the world we live in, there are too many people like what you have described but quality outweighs quantity.
I had no idea about all this, and I just wanted to tell you that I read every single detail over here. I really appreciate that you opened up to everyone. The stigma sucks, I want talking about mental health to be normalized.
You have a whole community of people strongly rooting for you and it's very, very good for everyone to know that these things can in fact, and have in fact happened.
One comment alone isn't much, but hopefully this is one voice in a large crowd that'll show you the support you need to heal.
Wishing you the best going forward!
I really hope you can get better from all the crap you had to go through. And I wish there was more that I can say to make things better. But I'm awful with words. I guess all I can say is that despite all this shit, things will get better at some point. You just have to believe it will be. I also want to say if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be here to help you if you need it.
Sincerest wishes.
But I'm also hella glad that you're moving forward. For what it's worth, I'm rooting for you.
Heal up, keep being the amazing you that you are and even if we haven't spoken much, you're still an amazing person and I still think fondly of the conversations we've had, and that picture you did for me so long ago still gives me the fuzzies when I see it. Here's hoping that things pick up for the better sooner!