My father was once described by someone else who knew him as the man without a soul.

Thats maybe the best short description of who he was, and how he treated me.

-Badger-

I know the feeling with an abusive father. Not he wasn't a complete jerk but with me all the years being a kid with mild autism he sometimes treats me like I couldn't do anything. He never bother to teach me how to drive, never supported my likes for cartoons or video games, every time I listen to a musical he thinks I'm being gay, never respects me when I tell him to quit calling me "Mrs. Esterhouse" because he know it bugs me even when he promised me he wouldn't do that no more he keeps doing it. Always telling me to quit acting stupid when I'm not. Also whenever I tells him my problems he mocks me by going "Wah-wah-wah!" like a baby does.

With him it was a love and hate relationship and what bugs me to this day is that ever since his passing he never aplogize for underesitimating me all these years thinking I won't surivive on my own. It still hurts me that he thinks of me that way.

So in a way I know how you felt about fathers.

Ah! Bad parenting. I had a conversation like this before. My friends and I sit together, make dinner, drink and even play some video games and have a good time. One of the girls there had been abandoned by his father, and he lives in the same city, so they bump into each other from time to time. she HATES the guy from the bottom of her heart. I was trying to get the bottom of this hatred as gently as I could, but long story short: She never forgive him for his actions. No rape, no money was taken, no drunkard. As far as I know, he is just a mean guy, and maybe a true misogynist who could never tell a single nice thing to both this girl and to her mother. Divorce was the solution, and whenever the girl was visiting him during the early days, she was locked outside and left uncared of. This made her HATE the guy.

I tried to lightly approach the thing from the Devil's Advocate side, but made really sure that I was on this girl's side. My selling point was "Guy charmed and married your mom and you were born. He did something good in his life." While she said yes, she still had HATE in her eyes. Clearly she was very badly neglected (I don't know of any more crime of the dad) in her younger days, and she has no love nor care for the guy anymore. My only surprise was, how fast the girl ignores the guy's very few positive traits, since her pure hatred easily overweight any other feeling. I was not backing up the guy, just never saw someone hate so much before.

My own granddad turned out to be the second dad to my dad, as his real dad divorced from my grandmother. They didn't got along. I met my true grandpa a few times (same city) and according to my mom, he knows who I am, but he never greeted his granddaughter, even as I did. After a few times, I ignored him as well, cuz if he ignores me and has no interest about me, I can do that too. No real crime here, and I was going to his funeral, as a support for my dad. I was listening to grandpa's past where I learned that he was a semi-famous soccer (in Europe: football) player, so there were a ton of other coming for that reason. Other then that I didn't registered nor memorized. Since I am a Catholic I've said something nice in front of me, like "Never knew you, grandpa. Goodbye!" and left. There wasn't anything more care from me to give.

TL;dr; Just try to close your businesses with the Dead any way possible. Be the better man and settle the score nicely, even if only in the head, if that helps! Talk to your family or with a priest, then move on with your life! You are strong and most certainly you can do it...as you already did without him! Sorry for your loss, but at least you are still with us!

As others have said, take solace in that you were probably his greatest contribution to the world. I hope you someday find the closure you're looking for.

I get that feeling. You want some sort of closure, even though your rational mind knows you would never get it. And it's very likely that, if you saw him before he died, he'd just say or do something to hurt you more.

But emotions aren't logical, so it makes perfect sense you'd feel conflicted over his death. Too bad you can't have a seance to call his spirit back here one last time, so you could stare him in the eye and say...

FUCK YOU!

Bet that'd feel real good.

Oh yes, it would.

Spitting into his face would help as well.
I already know he set up a cremation for his burial, so there wouldn't have been any way to show up and piss on his grave.

Ah well...
It would have given me satisfaction.
But if I showed up at the service, someone might have decided to give me some of his ashes.
And I know I would have done something nasty with them...

-Badger-

Sorry to hear this. No matter what, it's always really hard when you had left a lot unsaid with someone, and it's always a tragedy when you can't come to some kind of a resolution. The best thing now is just to put the regrets aside and keep moving forward.

My father was an odd person I'm learning / have learned. He was brilliant in math, could hold his own in any scientific discourse and was going for his doctorate in math before he started learning religion and became heavily involved in the church. He worked for Hugues Aircraft and was one of their main computer programmers WAAAY back in the late 50's early to mid 60's. I can honestly say I never really knew him but I loved him just the same. I guess the only think we can do is be ourselves and just remember the good times with them, no matter how few and far between they were. And yes, it's done.

Sorry to hear this. I definitely grok the disappointment and conflict.

Condolences and sympathy. A bad situation is over, for better or worse. You can go to his grave later and say whatever you want to say later on.

*Nods* I had a similar relationship with mine.

I didn't go either. Wasn't anything there for me.

An old Irishman, Paddy, is about to go to his eternal reward. He looks at his grieving friend, Mike, and says, "I have one last request, Mike."

"Anything, Paddy," Mike says. "What is it?"

"In me kitchen pantry you'll find a 100- year-old bottle of whiskey. When they put me in the ground will you pour it over me grave?"

"I will, Paddy," Mike says. "But would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

Oh man, I am at a loss for words. I hope you can come to peace with things.

Sorry this has troubled you so but it is understandable. Never being able to reconcile with someone that had a big or major part in your life can build alot of regrets. I recall listening to a female psychologist/therapist once talk about how she dealt with the passing of her father who physically and sexually abused her growing up, she sat down and wrote a letter as him apologizing for everything he'd done to her and how he could never forgive himself for what he'd done. She went into excruciating detail about everything. After that she said while it didn't undo the trauma, it did help her to let go of some of the intensity of it and she was better able to let his grip on her ease. Delusion can sometimes be used for our benefit.

I'm sorry for your loss. *I hugged you*

It's a strange kind of thing. Badger. I know the feeling you've got:

This unnatural sense of loss and regret, with a lot of disappointment and a tiny bit of anger/irritation
Deep, deep down in your heart/soul you hoped he'd have grown up, and eventually realized. "I screwed up"
Now it's no longer an option. So the disappointment weighs pretty heavily

I know, I'm just a stranger on the internet but, I'm honestly proud of you. You didn't hate, you didn't fester.
You moved on, you flourished. What ever his motivations. They're gone with him.

Try to recharge your self. And forget about it. Or if you must. Shed an angry tear and let the universe see
You mourn the wicked to.

Thanks.

You're pretty much right.
Theres a strong sense of being cheated... Financially and emotionally.
My father used me for his punching bag every time things didn't go his way when I was a kid.
Mostly figuratively..but sometimes literally.
Until I got too big to pick on.....

No mourning for this man.
He genuinely does not deserve any.

Someone who also knew him described him once as a man without a soul.
Thats a pretty accurate description.

-Badger-

You're welcome, sir

I wish I knew more of your back story. (Every hero needs one)
but, I won't press as these are dark memories that tempered your mettle into a very strong soul.

That should be all I need to know. Let it be known, the Badger of iron heart and soul, was sired by the void
And stepped forth stronger with more love and compassion then it had, or could know.

You may think of me as a son of Evil, turned to the Light.

A Paladin who came to his calling through suffering, anguish... And ultimately the love and trust of friends who looked beyond his past, and saw something worthy of saving.

Someone who, because of his past, has compassion for the downtrodden and lost.

Who is willing to lay down his life, if the cause is just and the innocent are in danger.
Though he prefers to make the other dumb son of a bitch lay down HIS life instead!

A Knight is sworn to valor.
His heart knows only virtue.
His blade defends the helpless.
His might upholds the weak.
His word speaks only truth.
His wroth undoes the wicked.

-Badger-

My Condolences

"[I]ts done, finally."

Sorry, the ride isn't over. Enjoy the relief of the moment and know at least he can't add more shit to what he's done while alive.

I'm not going to share how or why I think that, although it is from my personal experience.

Good luck.

The last contact I had with him was in the early 90s.

He made sure the house would be seized by the government- reverse mortgage, with an unknown amount owed. living trust set up to prevent the other assets being seized to settle the debt, etc.
I have PDFs of the legal documents via email now, and he had legal advice for how to set it up airtight.

There no way for me to be held liable for any of it, so I'm not worried.

Frankly, I was done with him close to 30 years ago.
this is just the epilogue.

-Badger-

Holy crap man, I'm at least glad he's gone. Even without the closure we would have liked, there's the closure that it's over, for good. Now he's even more out of your life than before, if anything I hope that brings relief.

You've lived well, with people who love you for you, AND value your skills. You never needed a damn thing from him and thats exactly what he gave you.
Close the book. Put it on the shelf and get back to what's important.
You.

You're right about needing to move on.

My friends have given me everything good in my life.

My father was a completely self centered, completely selfish child in a man's body.
Totally narcissistic, utterly without interest in anything but himself.

I am free of him, and have been for years.

Theres regrets.
Mostly that he never behaved like a father to me, or cared about me at all unless he needed something from me.

You always have that hope, in the back of your mind that an abusive family member will wake up someday and seek forgiveness for their actions.
That they'll grow up and act like a real human being.
But that almost never happens outside of fiction.

-Badger-

We are both victims of abuse, and understand what other such victims share.
There will always be unfulfilled needs and regrets involved in such cases.
In the end you must be the one to one who settles those regrets as your father was incapable of what you wanted, and those failures lie solely with him.

Sorry to hear it regardless.

I'd say I'm sorry for you loss normally, but I know what it is like having a shitty dad.

I've even told people that the funeral for my father will go one of two ways.. Either he suddenly wants to be a dad and make up for his greedy hoarding ways in which case I will say he was flawed but owned up to his crap... or he will die buried under a pile of his worthless stuff having pushed away his only family because he honestly believes "God helps those who help themselves" (not even a quote in the bible) and "He who dies with the most toys, wins"... Right now he's the latter and the thought of dumping a huge pile of fresh dog shit on his grave makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I actually got a whole power point presentation with pictures and videos of how shitty of a dad he was lol. Just so at his funeral when everyone is lying through their teeth about how great he was I'll be able to shatter their ideal of him.

I really tired, for decades to connect with my dad, everything from trying counseling to father son road trips and they never worked. He always cared more about money and his broken ass hooptie cars than his own kids... And he absolutely hates the fact I knew more about how to fix and maintain cars than he does.

Don't let it get to you man, some people that are that crappy just aren't worth the effort and time wasted to try and make them better people.

The number one thing I can say I learned from my dad is to be nothing like my dad.

I’m so sorry, as this is not easy. I hope you’ll stay strong and remember the good times you had with your dad. It’s never easy, but hugs to you. Joe