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The Many Updates of Echoen & Balros
3 years ago
Hello, lovely loves, all my fans and followers and people who still scream [joy, or aroused terror] the moment they see my name or commissions.
It has been a fair few months since I have made a proper update to let you all know what's going on with me, how I've been, what we [squirrel and bat] have been up to. THANK YOU to all who still browse FA and read journals.
First up, psychology and mental health.
PLURALITY
Back in February 2022, I had an intense moment after being able to help an offline friend deal with an emotional crisis after their roommate and best friend had been severely injured by a hit-and-run car. Being able to be there for them, to help them process the emotions they were going through, was somehow the final proof that was needed for an almost violent psychological schism to occur. Some of you may recall the "I'm The Fool" song and poem I posted that month, https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10140286/ . That poem and song represented the first self-recognition that I am not one, but two, and we have been together all my life.
[Echoen] I am here, as I always was, the bat that builds realities.
[Balros] And I am me, too, with the endless squirrel energy I bring to fill reality up!
Together, we share the same meat, and when one of us isn't fronting in front of the other we weave together to form a tapestry of "I" and "Me". Our history is complex and difficult to express because much of who we are stems from trauma. Discussing ourselves and experiences with other plural people and systems has shown us that we were unusual even among other plural people because of how adversarial we had been towards each other, to the point of not even recognizing or acknowledging our own duality until decades into our own shared existence.
[Balros] I have to admit a lot of fault here, but hear me out! Echoen thought shi had created me as a character at first, until shi collapsed back in 2017 and I emerged from our mind's mirror as detailed in https://www.furaffinity.net/view/22315978/ .
[Echoen] I did not entirely go away, but in those years since that event, I rested, occasionally fronting in order to prop up the 'brand' that I had become or flex my reality-shaping or cognitive processing power on behalf of others.
[Balros] What is my fault, though, is that beginning 2021, I had all but completely boxed Echoen out from existing at all. Even without recognizing I was doing so, I was purposefully taking up all of our shared existence and giving absolutely nothing to the bat.
[Echoen] I came to resent him for it, to feel as ostracized and shunned and shoved-out in my own mind as I had felt back when I was expelled from the cult in the 2000s. The squirrel kept me 'othered', created narratives and stories that portrayed me as a terrifying eldritch entity of corruption. Not just in a kink sense, since that admittedly was the explicit intent of much of my commissions and writing. By layering narratives on top of me, he did not have to share our mind or meat, and could all but ignore me and indulge himself and his interests.
[Balros] What I can explain to you, dear readers/followers/friends'n'fuckbuddies, is that neither of us had the language or understanding of plurality to even think about these things or consider what we were doing to each other. It was only through the aid of dear friends who were -also- exploring their own plurality that we gained the linguistics needed to ease our pressure upon each other. But those early weeks....
[Echoen] Those early weeks were psychologically violent. It felt like I had to shove my own nervous system into his muscles just so I could take control of his fingers, make them my fingers, so I could type and 'speak' again. When he wouldn't let me front or surface, I psychically screamed into his squirrelbrain until he let me pilot and do the things I wanted to do.
[Balros] I was scared that you would do to me what I had done to you.
[Echoen] I know.
After the initial weeks of just acknowledging that I was two people, we very gradually began to accept each other and experiment with co-existence. Sharing the same mind at the same time, which was often a physically real experience. We could point to which areas of our shared meat-brain that we occupied, specific clusters of neurons that each one of us was using. Sometimes, the bat would 'go to sleep' and leave the squirrel with the rest of our mind to use but not have access to that bundle of neurons. Other times, the squirrel would 'vacate' and the bat would only really process visual information from one eye and not so much the other eye.
Now, after nearly two months, we have settled our differences and are more and more merging back into a blended entity of "I" and "Me". Excellent representations of what we were: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26479208/ and what we are https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26235804/
I have 'come out' as plural to basically all my offline friends, and all my online friends on Discord who interact with us on our server.
MENTAL HEALTH
Starting in January, I also began seeing a weekly therapist, just to have a professional to talk to about all the things we were going through. The plurality stuff wasn't part of that, at first, but came out later. The initial reason was because of over two years of COVID-19 isolation, being in the same apartment day in day out, the same place I've been since 2012. I've been going stir-crazy with cabin fever. Sure, I get to see and hang out with my offline friends two or three times a week, but the moment I got back home it was all the same again, with no roommates and no-one to share food with, share love with, or be with.
[Balros] I feel a bit touch-starved.
[Echoen] Long-distance relationships can fulfill some emotional needs, but we're way past ready to take people out on dates.
A big breakthrough with therapy was regarding narratives. For most of my life I created this narrative of a very specific kind of person I wanted to have a relationship with, start a family with. This led me to exclude pretty much everyone that actually exists from even becoming a potential partner. I upheld this narrative for my parents, because I thought that's what they wanted from me, and what I wanted for myself, too.
[Balros] I stupidly tried to make this real by going all "Straight Ally" and even commissioning art of the straight ally flag.
[Echoen] And by denying me, you also denied our own dysphoria and my identity as non-binary.
Through therapy, we have discarded most of the narratives that Balros created and have opened ourselves to explore people for who they really are, including ourselves. Balros is comfortable as identifying as male, he/him, while Echoen identifies as non-binary, shi/hir. Hermaphrodite still feels appropriate for hir as a gender term, too. If you were to meet us in person, you'll find us in a handsome he/him body (that finally found a facial hair style that we really like).
As of less than a week ago, we are also taking an antidepression medication. This is our first time taking a medication for our psychology, or long-term as this will likely be. So far it's brought about better sleep, but also lower libido. We will find our new balance after a few weeks of adjustment.
Next, professional and personal life.
PROFESSIONAL
[Balros] WE HAVE KICKED SO MUCH ASS
[Echoen] And we have it in writing, too.
Since November 2020, I have been responsible for multiple platforms, programs, and providing practical tools and training to a network partnership of 42 non-profit organizations within the most populated county in Washington state. I have delivered those trainings, rolled out and upgraded those platforms, managed those programs, and designed and implemented a slew of improved processes to actually help people at scale.
Last month, we were under audit to assess everything we've done as a team and all of my work. Not a single negative finding. Only positive accolades and accepted deliverables. Last week, we received a letter from the county-wide organization that contracted us that our contract would be extended, and named me for three of the projects/programs I operate (my colleagues also got named/recognized). This is from a public organization that receives state funding - to get called out by name is not a thing that happens. There is almost no stronger letter of recommendation that could exist, and it feels fucking FANTASTIC to finally have it in writing.
Certainly, for the next year, I'll be able to deliver on several more major initiatives and really build my network within the county and state. I feel good that I was able to help hundreds of people help thousands of more people through the COVID-19 pandemic, and am on track to really bridge some gaps between state-run systems designed in the 80s and modern-day demands for how service delivery should be done.
PERSONAL
COVID-19 still has me in a routine of staying at home except for explicit excursions, but hot damn am I ready to meet and mingle with more people in or around Seattle. My trust in people (as a society) is still low, but my trust in individuals is higher, high enough that I'd love to go out for lunch, dinner, a movie, bowling, a walk or a hike, visit a museum or just experience the fantastic climate of the Pacific-Northwest.
I have continued to play Pathfinder (1e) and I'm gearing up to slide into the DM seat once more and run a campaign for my Saturday gaming group, which goes for 8 hours per session. I just released the 13-page primer document to my players yesterday and will likely begin the campaign in May, and run for several months. We play up in Marysville and could fit one more at the table.
At the end of this year, I will likely move back into my childhood home in Magnolia, with my parents. It's a really fantastic house with a lot more space than I have now, and a big back yard - which would mean pets again. Bunnies. BUNNIES! I love my folks and we get along very well, and I like the idea of not paying rent anymore and instead paying taxes. This will be my home in the very-long-term, the home I hope to raise a family in, should a family be what my partner also wants.
[Balros] On the topic of partners, door's open! Squirrels as far as you can see!
[Echoen] What Balros is saying is that we're ready to date again. We have long-term sustainability, and I provide a solid foundation upon which to create a new reality.
[Balros] We're eager to find out more about ourselves and what we're into, what we like and what we want, but can only really do that with someone who we are in closer physical proximity to. A Seattle local or Washington-area fluff preferred - we can drive a distance but would ask the same of you!
[Echoen] Let's not get too into the weeds about dating and relationships. Frankly, we're also open to exploring polycules and alternative lifestyles - and even short-term experiences, too.
What might this mean for online activity, internet sexuality, commissions and stories and RPs? We don't rightly know, but we're pretty excited to find out. There is so much more to create and be inspired by, and we have a lot more in the pipeline.
THE PORN, THE SMUT, THE KINK, THE BUTT STUFF
FA still has arbitrary rules on keeping journals PG-13 at best, so we'll stay vague enough to not get slapped. With the new medication, my libido is lowering, which is more a frustration in terms of satisfaction than actual creativity. We're only a few days into the new chemical balance and will likely take a few weeks to adjust. We have several commissions to upload - and a lot more commissions we want to buy from all the amazing artists that create it.
[Balros] I may fiiiinally get around to uploading more RP logs, and most RPs these days are from me and not Echoen.
[Echoen] I RP, rarely, and usually only for specific friends who need specific indulgences from my specific shape. I write stories; the squirrel indulges in the short-form shared smut.
On the note of RP, we're still not really looking for more partners. RP is fun and all but as mentioned above, we're looking for in-person partners to partake in the pleasures of life, away from the computer. Or next to it, who knows.
I am amenable to joint commissions, but it's identifying the artist who's open that's the issue. I have a roster of artists I love to commission, always happy to learn about someone new or returning and needs some funds.
[Echoen] Thank you for reading, everyone, and we love you all so much.
[Balros] Let's wrap this off with some music!
It has been a fair few months since I have made a proper update to let you all know what's going on with me, how I've been, what we [squirrel and bat] have been up to. THANK YOU to all who still browse FA and read journals.
First up, psychology and mental health.
PLURALITY
Back in February 2022, I had an intense moment after being able to help an offline friend deal with an emotional crisis after their roommate and best friend had been severely injured by a hit-and-run car. Being able to be there for them, to help them process the emotions they were going through, was somehow the final proof that was needed for an almost violent psychological schism to occur. Some of you may recall the "I'm The Fool" song and poem I posted that month, https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10140286/ . That poem and song represented the first self-recognition that I am not one, but two, and we have been together all my life.
[Echoen] I am here, as I always was, the bat that builds realities.
[Balros] And I am me, too, with the endless squirrel energy I bring to fill reality up!
Together, we share the same meat, and when one of us isn't fronting in front of the other we weave together to form a tapestry of "I" and "Me". Our history is complex and difficult to express because much of who we are stems from trauma. Discussing ourselves and experiences with other plural people and systems has shown us that we were unusual even among other plural people because of how adversarial we had been towards each other, to the point of not even recognizing or acknowledging our own duality until decades into our own shared existence.
[Balros] I have to admit a lot of fault here, but hear me out! Echoen thought shi had created me as a character at first, until shi collapsed back in 2017 and I emerged from our mind's mirror as detailed in https://www.furaffinity.net/view/22315978/ .
[Echoen] I did not entirely go away, but in those years since that event, I rested, occasionally fronting in order to prop up the 'brand' that I had become or flex my reality-shaping or cognitive processing power on behalf of others.
[Balros] What is my fault, though, is that beginning 2021, I had all but completely boxed Echoen out from existing at all. Even without recognizing I was doing so, I was purposefully taking up all of our shared existence and giving absolutely nothing to the bat.
[Echoen] I came to resent him for it, to feel as ostracized and shunned and shoved-out in my own mind as I had felt back when I was expelled from the cult in the 2000s. The squirrel kept me 'othered', created narratives and stories that portrayed me as a terrifying eldritch entity of corruption. Not just in a kink sense, since that admittedly was the explicit intent of much of my commissions and writing. By layering narratives on top of me, he did not have to share our mind or meat, and could all but ignore me and indulge himself and his interests.
[Balros] What I can explain to you, dear readers/followers/friends'n'fuckbuddies, is that neither of us had the language or understanding of plurality to even think about these things or consider what we were doing to each other. It was only through the aid of dear friends who were -also- exploring their own plurality that we gained the linguistics needed to ease our pressure upon each other. But those early weeks....
[Echoen] Those early weeks were psychologically violent. It felt like I had to shove my own nervous system into his muscles just so I could take control of his fingers, make them my fingers, so I could type and 'speak' again. When he wouldn't let me front or surface, I psychically screamed into his squirrelbrain until he let me pilot and do the things I wanted to do.
[Balros] I was scared that you would do to me what I had done to you.
[Echoen] I know.
After the initial weeks of just acknowledging that I was two people, we very gradually began to accept each other and experiment with co-existence. Sharing the same mind at the same time, which was often a physically real experience. We could point to which areas of our shared meat-brain that we occupied, specific clusters of neurons that each one of us was using. Sometimes, the bat would 'go to sleep' and leave the squirrel with the rest of our mind to use but not have access to that bundle of neurons. Other times, the squirrel would 'vacate' and the bat would only really process visual information from one eye and not so much the other eye.
Now, after nearly two months, we have settled our differences and are more and more merging back into a blended entity of "I" and "Me". Excellent representations of what we were: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26479208/ and what we are https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26235804/
I have 'come out' as plural to basically all my offline friends, and all my online friends on Discord who interact with us on our server.
MENTAL HEALTH
Starting in January, I also began seeing a weekly therapist, just to have a professional to talk to about all the things we were going through. The plurality stuff wasn't part of that, at first, but came out later. The initial reason was because of over two years of COVID-19 isolation, being in the same apartment day in day out, the same place I've been since 2012. I've been going stir-crazy with cabin fever. Sure, I get to see and hang out with my offline friends two or three times a week, but the moment I got back home it was all the same again, with no roommates and no-one to share food with, share love with, or be with.
[Balros] I feel a bit touch-starved.
[Echoen] Long-distance relationships can fulfill some emotional needs, but we're way past ready to take people out on dates.
A big breakthrough with therapy was regarding narratives. For most of my life I created this narrative of a very specific kind of person I wanted to have a relationship with, start a family with. This led me to exclude pretty much everyone that actually exists from even becoming a potential partner. I upheld this narrative for my parents, because I thought that's what they wanted from me, and what I wanted for myself, too.
[Balros] I stupidly tried to make this real by going all "Straight Ally" and even commissioning art of the straight ally flag.
[Echoen] And by denying me, you also denied our own dysphoria and my identity as non-binary.
Through therapy, we have discarded most of the narratives that Balros created and have opened ourselves to explore people for who they really are, including ourselves. Balros is comfortable as identifying as male, he/him, while Echoen identifies as non-binary, shi/hir. Hermaphrodite still feels appropriate for hir as a gender term, too. If you were to meet us in person, you'll find us in a handsome he/him body (that finally found a facial hair style that we really like).
As of less than a week ago, we are also taking an antidepression medication. This is our first time taking a medication for our psychology, or long-term as this will likely be. So far it's brought about better sleep, but also lower libido. We will find our new balance after a few weeks of adjustment.
Next, professional and personal life.
PROFESSIONAL
[Balros] WE HAVE KICKED SO MUCH ASS
[Echoen] And we have it in writing, too.
Since November 2020, I have been responsible for multiple platforms, programs, and providing practical tools and training to a network partnership of 42 non-profit organizations within the most populated county in Washington state. I have delivered those trainings, rolled out and upgraded those platforms, managed those programs, and designed and implemented a slew of improved processes to actually help people at scale.
Last month, we were under audit to assess everything we've done as a team and all of my work. Not a single negative finding. Only positive accolades and accepted deliverables. Last week, we received a letter from the county-wide organization that contracted us that our contract would be extended, and named me for three of the projects/programs I operate (my colleagues also got named/recognized). This is from a public organization that receives state funding - to get called out by name is not a thing that happens. There is almost no stronger letter of recommendation that could exist, and it feels fucking FANTASTIC to finally have it in writing.
Certainly, for the next year, I'll be able to deliver on several more major initiatives and really build my network within the county and state. I feel good that I was able to help hundreds of people help thousands of more people through the COVID-19 pandemic, and am on track to really bridge some gaps between state-run systems designed in the 80s and modern-day demands for how service delivery should be done.
PERSONAL
COVID-19 still has me in a routine of staying at home except for explicit excursions, but hot damn am I ready to meet and mingle with more people in or around Seattle. My trust in people (as a society) is still low, but my trust in individuals is higher, high enough that I'd love to go out for lunch, dinner, a movie, bowling, a walk or a hike, visit a museum or just experience the fantastic climate of the Pacific-Northwest.
I have continued to play Pathfinder (1e) and I'm gearing up to slide into the DM seat once more and run a campaign for my Saturday gaming group, which goes for 8 hours per session. I just released the 13-page primer document to my players yesterday and will likely begin the campaign in May, and run for several months. We play up in Marysville and could fit one more at the table.
At the end of this year, I will likely move back into my childhood home in Magnolia, with my parents. It's a really fantastic house with a lot more space than I have now, and a big back yard - which would mean pets again. Bunnies. BUNNIES! I love my folks and we get along very well, and I like the idea of not paying rent anymore and instead paying taxes. This will be my home in the very-long-term, the home I hope to raise a family in, should a family be what my partner also wants.
[Balros] On the topic of partners, door's open! Squirrels as far as you can see!
[Echoen] What Balros is saying is that we're ready to date again. We have long-term sustainability, and I provide a solid foundation upon which to create a new reality.
[Balros] We're eager to find out more about ourselves and what we're into, what we like and what we want, but can only really do that with someone who we are in closer physical proximity to. A Seattle local or Washington-area fluff preferred - we can drive a distance but would ask the same of you!
[Echoen] Let's not get too into the weeds about dating and relationships. Frankly, we're also open to exploring polycules and alternative lifestyles - and even short-term experiences, too.
What might this mean for online activity, internet sexuality, commissions and stories and RPs? We don't rightly know, but we're pretty excited to find out. There is so much more to create and be inspired by, and we have a lot more in the pipeline.
THE PORN, THE SMUT, THE KINK, THE BUTT STUFF
FA still has arbitrary rules on keeping journals PG-13 at best, so we'll stay vague enough to not get slapped. With the new medication, my libido is lowering, which is more a frustration in terms of satisfaction than actual creativity. We're only a few days into the new chemical balance and will likely take a few weeks to adjust. We have several commissions to upload - and a lot more commissions we want to buy from all the amazing artists that create it.
[Balros] I may fiiiinally get around to uploading more RP logs, and most RPs these days are from me and not Echoen.
[Echoen] I RP, rarely, and usually only for specific friends who need specific indulgences from my specific shape. I write stories; the squirrel indulges in the short-form shared smut.
On the note of RP, we're still not really looking for more partners. RP is fun and all but as mentioned above, we're looking for in-person partners to partake in the pleasures of life, away from the computer. Or next to it, who knows.
I am amenable to joint commissions, but it's identifying the artist who's open that's the issue. I have a roster of artists I love to commission, always happy to learn about someone new or returning and needs some funds.
[Echoen] Thank you for reading, everyone, and we love you all so much.
[Balros] Let's wrap this off with some music!
-F/R
It seems a lot of folks are discovering plurality these days. It's amazing to me that the mind can do things like that. A friend of mine with DID and all the trimmings experiences amnesia between their alters; they sometimes only know what each of them knows, as far as I understand. Do you two experience that at all, or are you both aware of everything?
It always seems so severe, but most of the plural folks I've met seem to be way more successful in professional life than I ever am. I'm definately jealous of your success, but that's one of my failings. It's so easy to compare myself to others, rather than to my past self. I may not be very 'functional' but I'm still pretty good in my own ways, and better than I used to be, every time.
Anyways speaking of your professional life it sounds like you've been doing a ton of good stuff! Like, not just quality stuff but good as in 'good deeds' good. XD
I find myself curious, are you familiar at all with a company called Link2Feed? I sometimes wonder how far their reach is. ^.^
Regarding being touch starved, well, I'm not anywhere near you to help directly, but I have some advice! Given that you're opening up to 'alternative lifestyles' and things, I've found that having cuddle sessions with platonic friends has been really good for that. Like, there's this recent thing that happened on twitter, let me find a link... https://twitter.com/ReleeSquirrel/s.....08889721851908
Apparently girls and women can just do that without any issues, as confirmed by a couple trans friends of mine on either side of the gender divide. For men, the socialization makes them extremely cautious of eachother, afraid to be casually intimate. It's all about relationships, so you can't touch people you're not 'with', more than a handshake or maybe an occasional fully-clothed hug. It doesn't have to be that way, though! Take the time to discuss it with your friends, and they might be just as touch starved. It doesn't have to lead to anything more; it's fine to just be comfortable together.
I don't know if you needed to hear that, but a lot of people do.
Let's see... anything else I want to post in response to your epic journal here... Oh! 8 hours is a long time for a pathfinder session! I hope you take breaks and don't just push through the whole thing. Eat, use the loo, just take ten. XD
My TTRPG sessions usually go for around 3-4 hours, which is also pretty long despite being 'normal'. We don't take any scheduled breaks, usually, but at least one of us usually needs to do something now and again that interrupts and makes a short break for everyone. ^.^
Now, all that said I'm really curious about your adventures, and also with you getting ready to GM, I'm curious what you're going to put your players through!
I guess that's that. If there's anything I can do to help you both, either in a regular way or in helping you figure yourselves out, just let me know!
Not familiar with Link2Feed.
My Pathfinder group has been gaming 8 hours every Saturday for 11 years now. Breaks not needed, it's a highlight of the week.
If you're curious about what these players may experience, here's the full chronology of the second iteration of the campaign: https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing
I guess that's another example of professional efficiency!
It sounds like your group has been playing for even longer than mine! But, how many campaigns have you done in that period then? We've had... let's see.... Zephon's, Robby's, Kanada's, I ran a couple short ones in there, and now we've just started another super-exciting campaign run by my friend Alex. Four of those campaigns were pathfinder and three went all the way to 20 for the conclusion. Super hype! I hope you get to have such fun. <3
Also I should really check in on your Discord, I've been lurking there for years. I'm in just so many Discords! I just pushed yours up higher in the list, so hopefully I'll take a look more often. ^.^
Also nice to see the other things looking up!