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3 years ago
Not easy for me to write that, but here it goes...
Last time I did a Journal, I felt like I didn't quite explain myself and show what I do so far, and here I'll keep everything detailed, and in the end of this Journal, I'll leave stuff I did and even write about them.
Okay, first of all: I'm not in a hurry, emergency state, urgency or anything. Read further to understand.
I'm Graugh, a dragon who lives in Brazil, 25 years old, 26 is basically around the corner, and ever since I was around 14~16, I started learning things and found my passion for entertaining people and producing songs. Problem is, time goes by for everyone and I didn't have a good past, even though my mother and grandmother were always supportive to me. I have lots of triggers, lots of stuff and so on...if you read my Journal "The Truth", you know at least...part of what happened to me. I do go through depression, anxiety, panic attacks and I suspect I may be evolving some kind of Borderline as well, and this destroys my days, everyday. This makes living very difficult and whoever suffer with that, knows what I'm speaking about.
I am not able to ask for help to my family, a barrier blocks that and makes me feel way worse and I don't know the reason. My mother is extremely paranoid and as anxious as me, so I can't let her know what I go through, or else she won't let me be free. I've tried Psychologists and Psychiatrists, though I lost faith in them since none of them tried to search deep in me, try to find an answer...all I got was humiliation. You may say "but that's normal, you gotta hear those to change", but have in mind I've been having this kind of humiliation for a long time from other relatives, people and so on. Why paying for what I already heard my entire life and just made me worse? Today, I'm not able to return to them because I already feel extremely bad by that idea. Same applies to having a job. I tried having a job, 6 times...but always something was wrong, I felt desperate and that my life was in the line, that I would die at any moment, plus having a job here in Brazil sucks because everything is unnecessarily expensive, and the salary is shit. Most of the times, you need to have 2 jobs and I'm not even speaking about University or anything related to what society calls "proper future". The result of this is that I can't even step out of home for almost anything, and I've did lots of bad things to myself already in result of those fights against my disorders.
I feel useless often because I see how old I am and I can't do almost anything to at least pay properly for my stuff without asking help to my mother. She doesn't mind but I do, and I want to go further in life, but I don't want to go further without efforts and down here I'll show you everything I've been doing. I still feel panic and anxiety with those, but differently for the other stuff mentioned above, those I'm able to accomplish because I've built enough confidence for them. I started taking music comissions 9~10 years after my start with songs...I also worked as a video-editor for a while, took me almost the same amount as for music to start taking this a bit professionaly. I don't want to earn money easily, because I know what comes easily, also goes easily. Fights are necessary, though I have to be careful, or else I may do something worse and permanently to myself due to decontrol.
About Donations
You don't have to share this to your friends, pages or anything...even though it would be so kind and I'd appreciate that.
I made a Patreon where I'll make rewards starting off from 1$, so only if you are available and you support what I create/do, consider sending a 1$ donation to me to help me build up confidence and motivation to push forward. I started to create tons of barriers because I have the thought that I need to make money now, if I don't make money, I'm just wasting time and being useless. Details and stuff would result in a bigger wall-text than this, so I'm trying my best to keep things short and straightforward.
If you can't donate, don't be sad or anything. Just keep following my content and dropping feedbacks, this way I'll know you are consuming my works, which is appreciated as well. I have friends that helps me only with words and being with me when get surrounded by black clouds of negativity...I thank every friend for this, because you know who you are.
You can help me by:
Donating through PayPal
Buying my songs in Bandcamp
Listening to my songs in streaming medias by searching my artistic name "Dragonthunder", or maybe in the most used streaming media, Spotify
Subscribing in my Patreon
Subscribing in both of my primary and secondary channels in YouTube. Only if you like to watch/hear what I do.
What I do
Songs
Self-explanatory, and probably the reason of most of you guys watching me here!
Custom Arrange
"Custom Arrange" is when I remove the soundtrack of a game and I compose my own. Note it's not a remix or anything, it's completely original, 100% inspired in the current scene of the game
Dancing
Last time I did was in 2015, then my motivation got vanished and courage diminished a lot, even though I still dance to this day but with more limitations since I got more weight and lost all the energy I had back then, but I want to make videos dancing again...
Video Edits
This is a Clone Hero song of a song that is not by me. It's called "ModChart", when the background video creates illusions to make the note hitting harder...
DON'T WATCH IF YOU ARE PHOTOSENSITIVE OR HAVE EPILEPSY
Meme videos based on music
I do humor videos based in songs and such, such as Davie504, Jared Dines, TheDooo, Kmac, Bradley Hall and so on...
Completionist Livestreams
Streams where I try to 100% the games I have, those I started recently. I also love playing puzzle and other hard games. My Streams are usually a mix of English and Portuguese since I have people who watches me from both Brazil and outside.
Funny video edits
Just meme edits of moments during my gameplays...very common I know
Casual Gameplays
Those are usually in Portuguese, but I've made a special one fully in English...and full of mistakes while pronouncing words too...
Stickfigure Projects
I love Stickman figure animations, and I also started learning those back when I started learning video editting
Techno Threat
My hardest and most difficult project to make, where I mix stickfigure animations, song producing and video editting all at once, takes A LOT to make since rendering in real time is pretty slow with so much layers. I also have wrote lots of texts in Notepad to have rhythm of the whole story, because I do have one, and I want to finish this project, even though it's still far away from the end. I picked this episode instead of the last one because this has English subtitles so you can follow the story a bit better. I still need to make the translation of the last episode of it.
Covers
Song covers, where I do have more planned but...yeah...
Left 4 Metal
A mod for Left 4 Dead 2 which changes its soundtracks for new arrangements or remixes in heavy metal. This takes a lot because it demands tons of texting and tons of patience to work properly. At least people seem to be loving it since it has lots of access and good ratings in Steam's Workshop.
Guess this is all I can remember for now, because I won't mention stuff as...cleaning the apartment, taking care of 3 cockatiels and such other stuff that also demands time. And I still have to plan to get back to dancing and do exercises to recover my strength to dance again.
If you read until here, thank you from the depths of my heart. I hope I am able to entartain you guys somehow with those stuff, and I wish so much to get back in rhythm with those as well...but all of them are lacking because of the text I wrote before all the showcase.
I hope you guys understand me. And if you do consider donating 1$ to me, know that I'll feel so great for being rewarded by all the efforts I've put into all of those, because I never made any courses, all I did was learning by myself by pure interest. With help of friends and YouTube tutorials.
A água tá batendo nas cintura e cada dia que passa me sinto mais desconfortável com a situação, sem emprego, sem uma vida social, meus amigos vivem todos longe daqui e tá cada vez mais difícil ter um relacionamento com alguém, e quando decido fazer alguma coisa e mudar isso me acabo ficando mais desanimado quando da tudo errado, principalmente pelo fato de que tudo parecia que finalmente ia mudar.
2: Ok back to business, really good stuff you've been doing in all honesty! But I'd like to share my experience since I can relate somewhat, atleast to massive burn out and feelings of depression.
Ok so, I once wanted to work for Croteam as a child growing, being a massive fan of the Serious Sam series. This series never took off from underdog status and pretty much remained as such while the half-life series became mega-popular. Croteam, after their losses after SS2 and going seperate ways from Take 2 Interactive... changed, and became more corpate, and lacking in the same creative passion they had before. They abandoned their former older-playerbase and it was replaced with toxic younger people.
I may have been young, but I understood that my childhood idols had turned rotten, and now my life had... effectively no purpose, as that was my purpose.
I also did gamemaker stuff, but after the Yoyogames purge I lost all interest in wanting to even game dev again.
Since then I've been searching for that purpose, I got into Terraria modding for a few years (up to now) and seemingly was gaining alot more attention than anything I made before, but started experiencing massive burn out and the work I was putting out was seemingly never being talked about and going unnoticed. My resolve was to come back, stronger, better, and more skilled than before to really push the otherwise not-pushed limited of the engine, I wanted to really bring out my best to impress and show that I mean business, that I have an edge that makes me unique and worthy of good sprites, and... again it went unnoticed.
Unsurprisingly once the popular mods started doing this, they got recognition and praise for it, and SGAmod (my mod) was forgotten, even now as I speak no one talks about my mod despite still getting occasional updates and getting its largest update ever (which I hyped up) back in December. I'm apparently a "by gone" mod that isn't relevant anymore, and doesn't hold a torch to the new and exciting up-coming mods like Starlight River. (which, I was a dev in for a while)
Also I'm not a spriter so my general approach was to use code-based drawing as much as possible and recycle vanilla assets; something that isn't widely accepted (The Chinese players like it, but like, *only* they like it)
So yeah, feeling like your work is having no impact ruins your drive to want to make creative works, the whole reason I gave up on game-deving is because modding this dinky 2D sandbox game will *almost always* give better resaults.
Why sell a game when you can mod a popular game and start a Patreon for that mod? Calamity makes consistantly more money than alot of indie games each month!
That's a short version of my story, so I can somewhat understand what you feel. And as for my mod... I'm not even going to bother trying to update it to Terraria 1.4 unless I'm getting payment or something... It's just not worth the pain I (and I alone) would have to go through.
Anarog gave me new-found purpose, but the path ahead won't be an easy one. I hope your purpose again too!
Eu sempre admirei o suporte que recebi de todos aqueles que sempre ficaram apesar do quão negativo eu fico. Tento lutar contra isso sim mas parece que sempre que eu tento, tudo piora. Esse post eu fiz pra ver se eu consigo me motivar mais a seguir em frente e até que está funcionando, apesar de coisas ruins ainda estarem acontecendo.
Eu agradeço você de novo por sempre ter estado presente apesar de tudo que eu já tenha feito, você sempre teve meu respeito, e seu talento é inacreditável de tão bom, eu espero que você consiga ir mais longe do que o seu olho consiga enxergar para você hoje