Hey all,
Not sure of what all to say, alot has happened and I’ve been living a weird paradox of being the happiest and most comfortable in my own skin in my entire life while simultaneously being the most depressed and burnt out I’ve been since High School. I think I’m going to alternate good and bad news in the next couple paragraphs and try to give some kind of update since I haven’t really been able to say much for a while and with my site down at the moment I’m not quite sure of how to invite y’all to join my mailing list either. Anyways… I have some Pride themed YCH’s available on my Ko-fi

First off biggest news of the year in my opinion I WORKED ON MY FIRST MOTION PICTURE!!! That’s right I have my first professional credit in the film industry. Thanks to a actor friend I reached out to on insta in 2020 and a little luck I went from feeling like giving up, just utterly discouraged about money and not really getting where I wanted to be professionally to my first credit as a graphic designer and working with some incredible people. Our film is called Pandora and it’s a 5 minute superhero film with a 80% disabled cast and crew, filmed almost completely online with a crew in India, LA and NY. We all came together and in the stretch of a week wrote, shot, edited, and made a poster for Easterseals Disability Film Challenge. Despite having a seizure literally the day before production started and experiencing intense brain fog I persevered and proved a lot to myself while also with this sense of duty to my team created my first movie poster and some awesome art. I tell ya while it was brutal I can’t wait for the next opportunity to work on a film. Our film ended up a finalist for best awareness campaign and was screened in LA and will be screened in LA next month as well as at a few other Academy Accredited festivals. It fills me with a unbelievable amount of excitement knowing that my art will be viewed in such a way alongside a really entertaining film. My team also made me feel really well valid, I could tell the entire cast loved the promo artwork I’d put together for them, many thanked me on their posts, some in DMs. I felt like I’m on the right path. I’ve managed to connect with a community I didn’t even really know existed till I took my first acting classes last year and I only hope to get to go this strong diverse community in the future as a creator.

As state above however, yeah I had a seizure. With the pandemic my grandma’s behavior has gotten significantly worse and the environment I live in is not safe for Mattie or I. It’s all been taking a massive toll on my health. The stress from her narcissistic behavior triggered a seizure, not just one tho, I’ve had about 2 additional ones since April however my meds are partially blocking them so while I can’t say my version of Haley’s comet is over for me I can say meds help, so we just need to do some dose adjusting, hopefully Duke’s finally gotten neurology working smoothly again. However the big one that happened in April was particularly scary and we’re really thankful my meds kicked in. I was actually on horseback when it hit, though Dollar(My lesson horse) seemed to know something was up so we were right by the mounting block when my trainer came over and helped me to safety.

Back to good news I have officially been a equestrian for a year and a half and it’s genuinely the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I have found some of the most supportive people a person could ask for and getting to interact with these wonderful animals has been magical for my mental health and self confidence. I’m constantly seeking knowledge on how to improve and between my trainers and the lessons equines teach on their own I’m always learning something new. I haven’t found anything I really dislike yet, there are just challenges I haven’t quite figured out yet. I’ve also found a heavy interest in the western discipline of reining though I’d like to dip my toes in everything I can including English disciplines. I have found my sport and as I’ve also been doing chores for my lessons I have felt this growing desire to pursue work around horses one of these days. I genuinely have been loving every moment especially as I’ve come to learn every horse at the farm’s personalities and names. I enjoy the hard work and the laughs the horses bring.

I’ve apparently become one of the best riders at the barn as well. Doing everything I can to improve off horse and being really receptive to what Dollar has taught me I have bonded quite closely with him and apparently I’m the only student he listens to on the days he’s being stubborn. Fellow students confirmed that at the Christmas party too cause I saw some cringes mentioning him lol! (He’s very good at humbling riders with a sort of no nonsense way about him)
There’s also this Arabian that’s been at the barn about the same amount of time I have been that has grown quite attached to me. We have a bit of a ‘horse girl movie’ stereotype type bond going lol! She lights up when she sees me and is really protective of me. Like a couple weeks ago I was cleaning buckets and her stall neighbor Aria was in a bad mood. Well I went in on my guard and I look over and I see her in the back of her stall with murder ears and as I’m trying to get a gauge for her overall body language I see Kate glaring at her through the stall window with what could only be described as a ‘Don’t you fucking dare’ look to her. She really makes me feel loved. She also was the first horse I ever lunged and is really agreeable with groundwork.

In February 2021 I chipped my Ulna and Ulnar nerve in my sleep and lost majority of the use of my hand before we actually learned that. Things weren’t handled well. The ER didn’t X-ray and then Duke receptionists didn’t take a possible neuropathy seriously and so by the time I was seen it not only was a mystery but, was in bad shape. I worried for a bit that I’d never get my hand back. Thanks to barn chores and good observant OTs we solved the injury and while I’m still a long way off, my current phase of recovery is night and day compared to this time last year. I had switched to single reining because of it at the barn and now I switch back and forth between single and two handed neck reining tho I do enjoy single. I can lift about 15 lbs on a good day with the bad hand now as well and even snap sometimes though I’m not going to stop till I have a farmer’s grip. It’s had a lot of heavy rises and falls with bilateral carpal tunnel hitting me earlier this year aswell, slowing my recovery but, my OTs encourage me to play video games so I played Grand Theft Auto V to completion and then Red Dead Redemption 2 and I tell you I don’t know that I’ll ever recover from RDR2. It’s a incredible game with a incredible story and yeah it’s my favorite game and also in addition to being good PT/OT for my hand it’s also helped me study quality horsemanship off horse. A lot of how my form has improved has believe it or not come from playing the game and watching Arthur’s movements. They used Mocap on the horses and riders for realism so its a excellent way to study. The game has made me feel when I thought I’d grown numb and I relate heavily to Arthur Morgan in a way I haven’t related to a character in a long time. Safe to say RDR2 has been alot of what has been keeping me hanging on when the thread’s gotten thin.

Last year I also had the opportunity of taking part in 2 acting programs. The newly named AC3 and Queens Theatre’s Theatre For All program and honestly between them, equestrian sports, some supportive friends and introspection I had some breakthroughs for my identity. For the first time in my life I found community. I found some incredible people that didn’t make me feel like a burden, liked me for me and just genuinely seemed to care. They made sure no access needs I asked for were too much and they made me feel what it’s like to live in a world where accessibility isn’t a after thought. I tear up thinking about it. There were so many kind creative people that were dealing with the same struggles that I was able to laugh with and remove a weight I didn’t even know I was carrying. I was free in a way I never feel. I ended up having a severe migraine the last day of class when we were supposed to perform for everyone in the program and guests and couldn’t do it. They made sure in a way no one ever has that I understood it wasn’t my fault and that I wasn’t letting anyone down. Do you know how rare it is to suffer from chronic health issues and have people actually understand and reassure that you aren’t a burden? I learned improv, monologues, breathing techniques, how to relax, bodywork and I really came to know my body and soul in ways that made loving myself that much easier. I used to never take photos of myself outside fursuit or even look at myself in the mirror and now I do it and I like what I see. There are some other things that came alongside these that I’m not ready to talk about here but, I genuinely like myself now.

That confidence and self love really came in handy in the later months too cause my body ended up to borrow a meme back on it’s bullshit. All that inactivity in 2020 really messed me up my shoulder started dislocating all by itself and turns out that’s not supposed to happen. It also was doctor shy so it would fix itself and wouldn’t make the loud painful pops for them. Though I had myofascial tigger points so they knew something was going on. I got to feeling like Rasputin from the animated film Anastasia and honestly still use him as a analogy for my body. However as this bad news also turns good, I got referred to one doc cause of the pain that noticed I had some hypermobility and he referred me to a specialist and turns out I have a genetic connective tissue disorder, something in the realm of Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which in its simplest terms means I am very flexible but, also all my body’s bullshit can be explained, the eyes, migraines, leg, back, all likely come from or are otherwise explained by it but, there are no real treatments or cures other than strength training and managing the flares. However connective tissue is heavily effected by cortisol so I’ve had ALOT of flares and will till I figure out how to get out of my toxic environment. It’s good to finally be believed but, all the PTSD from being gaslit, abused and told it all was in my head has robbed me of the joy.

Not much left to share for this massive update but, I have ended up more than a little fixated on RDR2. I haven’t had a game impact me like that one in a long time if not ever. It’s sparked my creativity and desires to do fan art and fan fiction for the first time in years. I’m just generally more focused on my own stuff. Anyways, it and the rabbithole of historical fashion YouTube I’ve fallen down alongside the need for clothes has lead to me attempting to make a 1890s outfit, and I can’t deny it will be a partial cosplay and I get some good chuckles picturing doing my first show while cosplaying Arthur Morgan. Who knows might give me strength. However what I didn’t expect that has happened on this journey is I’ve kinda found some things that make me go I look good. I’m gaining a better idea of my personal style beyond grab a graphic tee and some shorts or chinos. So yeah I’ve been working on some sustainable clothing for equestrian ventures and they might become more regular clothing aswell cause it helps my confidence.

I hope to be wearing what I have that’s kinda history bounding to meet my EDFC team next month providing I can gather the money to travel to NYC for it. I quite desperately want to meet this incredible community I have only just scratched the surface of. Which is alongside my identity journeys why I’ve opened up for headshot commissions alongside some YCHs with more to come inspired by my own journey. Alongside some hats I’m going to make up to sell. I’d appreciate it if y’all would share the links around or consider throwing a couple dollars toward my goal. I haven’t left the house for any nonessentials since before the 2020 lockdown. This business trip is incredibly important to me. All these people are doing what I’ve been dreaming of and I need to meet and learn from this community that’s quickly becoming a sort of found family. Up till the recent price jump I was set to go up there but, without some help I’m not sure of if I’ll be able to do it.

https://ko-fi.com/coastalcreature#b.....ommissionModal

Anyways thanks for tuning in, my intentions are to complete these pride coms this month. Keep an eye out more will be going up as well that will be a bit more elaborate than what’s currently available.