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Jurassic World vs. Jurassic World Dominion
3 years ago
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Today I’m gonna do something incredibly rare! I’m gonna defend a massive blockbuster movie that everyone hates and condemn another blockbuster movie that you should hate!
JURASSIC WORLD REVIEW: 6/10.
JURASSIC WORLD DOMINION REVIEW: EXTINCT/10.
Full disclosure, did not pay for this film. Saw a bootleg copy of it. Not giving money to this crap.
“Tyk, why are you reviewing this movie? You know you hate it. We know you hate it. You hated the last one. We all know this is gonna be a journal about you ranting about the decline of Hollywood films. Why are you wasting your time?”
Because I want to. Because I can. Because what I’m doing isn’t illegal. Because this is the Internet, where everyone can apparently do whatever they want and just say “Free speech” or some shit. Because I know this movie is going to make shitloads of money. Because I know people are going to see this film and defend it even though they know it’s bad and not admit that it’s bad and then plead for more movies.
I need you to understand this isn’t about just me ranting about this new film, nor is it about me criticizing the state that movies are in. This is precisely why I’m gonna compare/contrast this to Jurassic World. And yes, I believe I reviewed Jurassic World in the past; you can actually look at it here. And yes, I do remember giving that movie a different score and much more praise back then. This was back when I was much younger and this was back before Hollywood was milking and/or destroying every single old-school franchise to the bone. This was back when I was willing to defend movies of this caliber. And I am here today to tell you that yes, I will still defend this movie.
“But Tyk, Jurassic World is objectively stupid.”
The second half is stupid. But for me personally, I think the first half is…it’s very self-aware and meta, and I do appreciate that.
“But Tyk, you said you hate it when movies do that shit. So you’re a hypocrite now.”
This is what makes Jurassic World very frustrating. Because the movie feels like it’s criticizing Hollywood and what they do to franchises like this. The movie’s bigger. It’s “better.” It’s badder. It’s scarier. It’s more overblown. There’s more dinosaurs. There’s more dino action, more explosions, more special effects, more deaths, more blood—there’s just more. And…well, that’s the point. This is what the writers, directors, everyone involved in the film were told to do. They were told to make another Jurassic Park film, but one catered to modern day audiences. And back in the mid-2010s, this was what people wanted. So this is the movie that was made. It made lots of money. Ordinary moviegoers—myself included—had a fun time with it. But then you have people coming along with all sorts of criticisms.
“This movie isn’t as good as the first.”
“This movie is just redoing the first film again.”
“None of the characters are as engaging.”
“The movie doesn’t take time to flesh out its characters.”
“The fact that this movie exists in spite of what happened in the last three films is stupid.”
And my response to any and virtually all of these criticisms are these four words:
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
People wanted a newer film; they wanted a bigger film; they wanted more dinosaurs; they wanted more action; they wanted more carnage. …So they got that. The end. I feel like the creators should’ve known this would be the reaction to this film. And the scene that really resonated with me was when the new CEO who runs Jurassic World, Simon Masrani, confronted Dr. Henry Wu and went all like “Why in gods name did you create the Indominous Rex? What the fuck is wrong with you?! Who told you to do this?! Why did you do this?!”
And Dr. Wu just goes like:
“Um…you did. I made this dinosaur because you told me to. Bigger. Scarier? Um, cooler I believe is the word you used in your memo! You cannot have an animal with exaggerated predator features without the corresponding behavioral traits!”
I’m actually gonna link to the scene so you can see the full context of it.
Look I’m not saying various aspects of the film aren’t stupid as fuck—because they are. But I watch a scene like this and my brain immediately goes like “Okay, good! Someone who wrote this film had to have known they needed to keep some of the themes from the original film intact and they are simply applying those themes to how this would all play out in the modern era!”
And honestly, I kind of love that. Kind of. Jurassic World is treated as an amusement park—because it is. People are getting bored of dinosaurs because they aren’t special anymore—because they aren’t. People constantly demand more—because they do. This movie is a product of its time because of what the time period expected from it. And that’s what we got. So when the Indominous Rex inevitably gets loose and it starts rampaging and killing people, is it really fair to put all the blame on the people who created the Indominous Rex when they were told to create it in the first place?
“Tyk, you can say whatever you want to about the hows and whys behind how the film got made. It doesn’t change the fact that the movie is stupid and spends more time focusing on showing us all the carnage that was a result of the characters’ stupid actions.”
AND THEREIN LIES MY PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE. X__X
The movie wants to tell us that its existence is stupid and not a good idea. That’s perfectly fine. But then dinosaurs start rampaging around the park and the reason why is because the humans were being stupid. The Indominous Rex is freed because Clare told some people to go inside her pen when she went missing because they thought she climbed over the wall. In spite of the fact that the dinosaur has a tracker imbedded into her back. So Clare panicked, told people to go into the pen, and then waited until after they were in the pen to say “Oh shit, check the tracker!”
At which point they realize she is still in the pen. And then they run out the gate. And then the dinosaur escapes. And my brain was all like “Okay…so you’re telling me, you could’ve just checked the dinosaur’s location by examining her tracker first, but you chose to not do that. Okay. >__>”
And then the third act happens and the moustache-twirling villain who wants to weaponize dinosaurs goes all like “Hey, I got an idea! We’re gonna use four tiny-ass velociraptors to hunt down and kill the Indominous Rex even though a bunch of men with machine guns and assault rifles couldn’t do it, and we’re not gonna worry about the animals turning on us!”
Oh what’s that? The dinosaurs are turning on the good guys and munching up all the militarymen and all of them die except Blue when they try to take out the Indominous Rex? Well, fuck mah titties! I did not see that coming!
But it’s fine, because the evil people all die, and then the civilians are all saved and blah blah blah, movie’s over. Nevertheless, I will still fully defend this film in spite of all the problems I have with it.
…If they had not made two sequels.
Jurassic World felt like a genuine commentary about the state of Hollywood with their remakes and soft reboots. And similar to Spec Ops: The Line, you could say that how they executed their overall means was hypocritical. And in a sense, it was. But then you have Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which is not self-aware at all, took all of the stupidity from the first film, double-downed on it, and filled it with greed and hatred. Jurassic World, despite all of its flaws, does at least feel like it was trying to pay some homage to the original film, even though it went about it in very stupid ways. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom feels like it was created to destroy everything the original movie represented. It felt like the creators were saying “Hey, fuck the original. Fuck what you like. Fuck everything about you. This is what we’re doing now. It’s all about money. Nothing else. You’re gonna sit on your ass and deal with it.”
And I did. And I almost broke down sobbing in the theater. Thankfully I watched The Incredible 2 directly afterwards. I’ve seen a lot of people say that The Last Jedi was a movie created by someone who hates the Star Wars films. And while my opinions on that movie are more positive and I don’t share those opinions, I understand where you’re coming from. And I kind of don’t blame you.
So now this all leads to Jurassic World Dominion. And now is the time for me to share my thoughts on the movie.
I DON’T CARE.
“Well obviously you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have wasted all this time making this journal.”
I mean…I can tell you about the film I guess.
Uhhhhh, so it’s two movies wrapped up in one. One half of the film is about Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard’s characters trying to rescue Blue’s baby and their surrogate daughter, Maisie. You know, the clone bitch who caused the plot of this movie to happen. She’s an emo teen now. And also this movie’s macguffin. The second half of the film is about Dr. Ellie Sattler and Dr. Alan Grant trying to uncover this mysterious conspiracy about giant locusts that are destroying crops all around the world.
…Oh. Also there’s dinosaurs everywhere.
This isn’t a Jurasic Park or even a Jurassic World movie. This is a generic conspiracy film mixed with a generic kidnapping film where the good guys need to rescue their kidnapped child. But then they threw dinosaurs into the mix and slapped the Jurassic World logo onto its brand.
So Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler do some investigation shiz and find out the evil big bad is Discount Steve Jobs. At the end of the movie, Discount Steve Jobs gets eaten by dinosaurs—because that always has to happen. Old characters come back, because that needs to happen. Christ Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard’s characters get involved with action stuff. They go to a foreign country. More action happens. Some bad dudes get munched on. And then the heroes find their daughter and escape. Happy ending.
…Oh. Also the dinosaurs suddenly learn to coexist with humans and other animals, despite it being the film’s major plot point early on and despite the fact that after four years, dinosaurs were causing a huge problem with the ecosystem.
They do the thing. You know, the referencing thing. They say the lines. You know, the lines from the original. They recreate shots. You know, the ones from the original. There’s CGI. There’s scary shit. More things happen. The heroes survive very contrived situations that should have killed them because the plot needs them to not die. There’s a point where a plane is about to crash and when Chris Pratt asks “What’s the plan?!” the lady next to him goes like “Whatever happens.” The same plane crashes but there’s only one parachute. Pterodactyls are attacking the plane but Bryce Dallas Howard ejects anyway. They attack her parachute but she lives. Two people are attacked on a fragile frozen lake, but they don’t die. Turn your brain off. It’s not important. Nobody dies. Except the bad guys. I can’t even praise this movie in that retrospect. Say what you want about Jurassic World; at least they killed Simon Masrani, a character who, despite his naivety, was very sympathetic and literally died trying to stop the Indominous Rex. And let’s not forget how Zara got drowned and then devoured alive. Nobody really cared but at least they had the balls to do it. There are many situations where someone should have died in this movie.
But they don’t.
Except the villains.
Because fuck tension, right?
“Tyk, you said earlier that you expected Jurassic World to be the movie it turned out to be. Why are you shitting on this movie when you should’ve expected its outcome?”
Because I expected this movie to be about dinosaurs. You know, like the trailers advertised? Like the previous two movies was building up to? But no, the main plot point is locusts are destroying crops, and a teenage girl gets kidnapped and the parents gotta rescue her. Say whatever the fuck you want about Jurassic World. At the end of the day, its main plot point was that a big bad dinosaur escapes and wreaks havoc, it talks about how people are still trying to play God, trying to tame dinosaurs, etc. With this movie, if you remove the dinosaurs from the movie altogether, very few things would change. There’s a tense scene of Chris Pratt’s character driving through a city being chased by dinos on a motorbike. I envisioned the dinosaurs just being masked evil men wearing all black and helmets covering their faces. Almost nothing about the scene changed whatsoever. Even with Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the main plot point of that film was about the dinosaurs. Even that shit-fuck of a film made that its main focus.
This is the point I’m making here. They don’t even care about making a proper blockbuster film that they’re advertising! You wanna make a stupid-ass blockbuster film where we have to shut off our brain, fine, whatever. Make the film you’re advertising it to be. Give us a stupid-ass film where dinosaurs are just roaming around the world eating people and you gotta bring back the old-school characters or some shit. Sure, whatever—do it. This movie could not even do that. They just slapped some dinosaurs around in the scenes so they could say this is a new Jurassic World movie when it’s really two generic action films cobbled together with dinosaurs thrown in.
Here’s my thing about the Jurassic World trilogy. The first movie wasn’t as good as the original, but it was still good—and I will still defend that notion. The second movie broke me…it broke me. I felt nothing but sadness for the state of this franchise and other franchises as a whole. This movie invoked the worst emotion of all time.
ENNUI.
And this right here is why I’m making this journal. Not because I’m angry or sad or smugly glad about the state these movies are in. It’s because a franchise that I cared about so deeply is now a franchise I’m not only done with, but a franchise I don’t even care about anymore. This is where I’m at now. I have hit the final stage of grief. Acceptance. This franchise has been flushed down the toilet. People will pay money to see it. It’ll probably get more sequels or spin-offs. And I can’t do anything about it.
But I can implore you to stop giving money to these kind of products.
I need you all to understand that the people who created this movie did not care. They don’t have to care—why should they? You’re gonna pay money for it; they expect you to pay money for it. They don’t even expect you to care; they expect you to pay for this film so they can get rich and then they can keep making more money and shitting out inferior products that will make them more money. And I am telling you all right now, if you keep paying money for these movies, this will keep happening. We’re gonna keep getting movies that invoke not even a sense of hatred or sadness, but apathy. We’re gonna reach a point where people create movies for the sake of making movies, and people will watch movies because they don’t know what to do with their money. So they’re gonna say “Oh hey, I guess we’ll watch this movie. Oh, I watched the movie. I’m going home now.”
But hey, don’t listen to me. Listen to all these other five-star reviews from ordinary audience members and moviegoers.
“It was great and love it.”
“Loved all the old characters. And the new ones.”
“Love it! Can’t wait for the next one!”
“Awesome movie. It was really nice to se all the old actors back together and all the new dinosaurs were great. It was a great creature film. One I could watch again and again.”
“Great never a dull moment.”
“Was a fantastic movie, well done and it was great to see some of the original cast brought back! Highly recommend this movie!”
“Loved how this pulled EVERYTHING together and tied up all of the loose ends from the first 5 movies of the series!”
“The movie was awesome! Great for the whole family.”
“Loved 3-D and how you bright people from each movie together in one. And my favorite was blue and her baby . That would of set it over the top if she and baby counter acted like a pet with them only of course.”
“Action pack with a wonderful message.”
“Im a fan of Jurassic Park. Loved seeing the old and new cast together. Sad its over.”
“Jurassic World Dominion was amazing. Honestly just as good as the first one. It was really good to see the original trio, but this movie is definitely worth paying to see. It's absolutely incredible!!”
“Movie was a combination of all the past Movies related to Jurassic Park”
…That literally does not say anything about the film’s quality. :/
“What I loved about the movie is everything”
“There were dinosaurs :D”
Okay. …And?
“my son of 11 years old he said the best movie.”
“Good film but not much in the way of dominant animals or world domination by dinosaurs.”
“The t-rex stood back up like the undertaker lol”
“If you didn’t have fun with this movie you have a huge dump in your pants”
“Don't listen to the critics. They're a bunch of nerds. Just a good escapism movie. Some things didn't make sense but it's not the worst Jurassic movie.”
“Don’t listen to the critics. Movie was amazing”
“the dinosaurs slid into my dms”
The fuck? O__o
“Ignore the haters out there. This is a movie for the Fans, not snob nosed critics who think they know it all!!!”
“I liked how it introduced new dinosaurs. The Dolby sound made it a movie to remember.”
“the action the actors”
the thing the things. Five stars.
“I loved that blue was still able to find owen!!”
“When the Therazineasauras and T.Rex battled the Giganatosauraus.”
The thing fought the thing. Again, five stars.
“It was a great movie & I didnt fall asleep”
Ah, good. Glad the movie kept you awake with its noises. Five stars.
“I love how the movie has something involved with the sets you own, the deaths are satisfying and the fight is really good! I don’t care about the criticism from other people, I still thing Jurassic World Dominion is a good movie”
Ooh! Here’s a lowly half-star review I found.
“A strong cast of favorites all coming together for the first time can't save a terrible script and a weak plot. I don't know which were more incompetent: the ferocious dinos that couldn't catch their prey, or the "head bad guy" that was sub-standard and over-the-top pathetic. They wrap up part of the plot in a voice-over scene because it was clearly too big to resolve on-screen. It's two hours of made-for-TV quality nonsense riding the wave of a good franchise. Go out to dinner instead and wait for this to hit network TV. You're not missing anything.”
Here’s a three-star review I kinda agree with.
“it was ok. i liked the throwbacks and nods to the previous movies, but the story line didn't seem really there - I get the locusts were bad but it was really just a bunch of people running around trying to get away from the dinosaurs. The storyline with Blue could have been a little better too - maybe go more into detail about that. same with the Mazie line - there was so much potential that wasn't fleshed out to a point that would have made for a GOOD movie.”
So yeah. Those are my thoughts. I’m not saying you shouldn’t see this film if you’re morbidly curious. I’m saying do not pay money for it. Because whether or not you hate the movie, you’re just encouraging its apathetic creators to continue making apathetic films until all you feel is apathy and you’re conditioned to simply accept that as entertainment.
All this being said, a dinosaur ate a dude on a scooter.
Five stars.
JURASSIC WORLD REVIEW: 6/10.
JURASSIC WORLD DOMINION REVIEW: EXTINCT/10.
Full disclosure, did not pay for this film. Saw a bootleg copy of it. Not giving money to this crap.
“Tyk, why are you reviewing this movie? You know you hate it. We know you hate it. You hated the last one. We all know this is gonna be a journal about you ranting about the decline of Hollywood films. Why are you wasting your time?”
Because I want to. Because I can. Because what I’m doing isn’t illegal. Because this is the Internet, where everyone can apparently do whatever they want and just say “Free speech” or some shit. Because I know this movie is going to make shitloads of money. Because I know people are going to see this film and defend it even though they know it’s bad and not admit that it’s bad and then plead for more movies.
I need you to understand this isn’t about just me ranting about this new film, nor is it about me criticizing the state that movies are in. This is precisely why I’m gonna compare/contrast this to Jurassic World. And yes, I believe I reviewed Jurassic World in the past; you can actually look at it here. And yes, I do remember giving that movie a different score and much more praise back then. This was back when I was much younger and this was back before Hollywood was milking and/or destroying every single old-school franchise to the bone. This was back when I was willing to defend movies of this caliber. And I am here today to tell you that yes, I will still defend this movie.
“But Tyk, Jurassic World is objectively stupid.”
The second half is stupid. But for me personally, I think the first half is…it’s very self-aware and meta, and I do appreciate that.
“But Tyk, you said you hate it when movies do that shit. So you’re a hypocrite now.”
This is what makes Jurassic World very frustrating. Because the movie feels like it’s criticizing Hollywood and what they do to franchises like this. The movie’s bigger. It’s “better.” It’s badder. It’s scarier. It’s more overblown. There’s more dinosaurs. There’s more dino action, more explosions, more special effects, more deaths, more blood—there’s just more. And…well, that’s the point. This is what the writers, directors, everyone involved in the film were told to do. They were told to make another Jurassic Park film, but one catered to modern day audiences. And back in the mid-2010s, this was what people wanted. So this is the movie that was made. It made lots of money. Ordinary moviegoers—myself included—had a fun time with it. But then you have people coming along with all sorts of criticisms.
“This movie isn’t as good as the first.”
“This movie is just redoing the first film again.”
“None of the characters are as engaging.”
“The movie doesn’t take time to flesh out its characters.”
“The fact that this movie exists in spite of what happened in the last three films is stupid.”
And my response to any and virtually all of these criticisms are these four words:
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
People wanted a newer film; they wanted a bigger film; they wanted more dinosaurs; they wanted more action; they wanted more carnage. …So they got that. The end. I feel like the creators should’ve known this would be the reaction to this film. And the scene that really resonated with me was when the new CEO who runs Jurassic World, Simon Masrani, confronted Dr. Henry Wu and went all like “Why in gods name did you create the Indominous Rex? What the fuck is wrong with you?! Who told you to do this?! Why did you do this?!”
And Dr. Wu just goes like:
“Um…you did. I made this dinosaur because you told me to. Bigger. Scarier? Um, cooler I believe is the word you used in your memo! You cannot have an animal with exaggerated predator features without the corresponding behavioral traits!”
I’m actually gonna link to the scene so you can see the full context of it.
Look I’m not saying various aspects of the film aren’t stupid as fuck—because they are. But I watch a scene like this and my brain immediately goes like “Okay, good! Someone who wrote this film had to have known they needed to keep some of the themes from the original film intact and they are simply applying those themes to how this would all play out in the modern era!”
And honestly, I kind of love that. Kind of. Jurassic World is treated as an amusement park—because it is. People are getting bored of dinosaurs because they aren’t special anymore—because they aren’t. People constantly demand more—because they do. This movie is a product of its time because of what the time period expected from it. And that’s what we got. So when the Indominous Rex inevitably gets loose and it starts rampaging and killing people, is it really fair to put all the blame on the people who created the Indominous Rex when they were told to create it in the first place?
“Tyk, you can say whatever you want to about the hows and whys behind how the film got made. It doesn’t change the fact that the movie is stupid and spends more time focusing on showing us all the carnage that was a result of the characters’ stupid actions.”
AND THEREIN LIES MY PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE. X__X
The movie wants to tell us that its existence is stupid and not a good idea. That’s perfectly fine. But then dinosaurs start rampaging around the park and the reason why is because the humans were being stupid. The Indominous Rex is freed because Clare told some people to go inside her pen when she went missing because they thought she climbed over the wall. In spite of the fact that the dinosaur has a tracker imbedded into her back. So Clare panicked, told people to go into the pen, and then waited until after they were in the pen to say “Oh shit, check the tracker!”
At which point they realize she is still in the pen. And then they run out the gate. And then the dinosaur escapes. And my brain was all like “Okay…so you’re telling me, you could’ve just checked the dinosaur’s location by examining her tracker first, but you chose to not do that. Okay. >__>”
And then the third act happens and the moustache-twirling villain who wants to weaponize dinosaurs goes all like “Hey, I got an idea! We’re gonna use four tiny-ass velociraptors to hunt down and kill the Indominous Rex even though a bunch of men with machine guns and assault rifles couldn’t do it, and we’re not gonna worry about the animals turning on us!”
Oh what’s that? The dinosaurs are turning on the good guys and munching up all the militarymen and all of them die except Blue when they try to take out the Indominous Rex? Well, fuck mah titties! I did not see that coming!
But it’s fine, because the evil people all die, and then the civilians are all saved and blah blah blah, movie’s over. Nevertheless, I will still fully defend this film in spite of all the problems I have with it.
…If they had not made two sequels.
Jurassic World felt like a genuine commentary about the state of Hollywood with their remakes and soft reboots. And similar to Spec Ops: The Line, you could say that how they executed their overall means was hypocritical. And in a sense, it was. But then you have Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which is not self-aware at all, took all of the stupidity from the first film, double-downed on it, and filled it with greed and hatred. Jurassic World, despite all of its flaws, does at least feel like it was trying to pay some homage to the original film, even though it went about it in very stupid ways. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom feels like it was created to destroy everything the original movie represented. It felt like the creators were saying “Hey, fuck the original. Fuck what you like. Fuck everything about you. This is what we’re doing now. It’s all about money. Nothing else. You’re gonna sit on your ass and deal with it.”
And I did. And I almost broke down sobbing in the theater. Thankfully I watched The Incredible 2 directly afterwards. I’ve seen a lot of people say that The Last Jedi was a movie created by someone who hates the Star Wars films. And while my opinions on that movie are more positive and I don’t share those opinions, I understand where you’re coming from. And I kind of don’t blame you.
So now this all leads to Jurassic World Dominion. And now is the time for me to share my thoughts on the movie.
I DON’T CARE.
“Well obviously you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have wasted all this time making this journal.”
I mean…I can tell you about the film I guess.
Uhhhhh, so it’s two movies wrapped up in one. One half of the film is about Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard’s characters trying to rescue Blue’s baby and their surrogate daughter, Maisie. You know, the clone bitch who caused the plot of this movie to happen. She’s an emo teen now. And also this movie’s macguffin. The second half of the film is about Dr. Ellie Sattler and Dr. Alan Grant trying to uncover this mysterious conspiracy about giant locusts that are destroying crops all around the world.
…Oh. Also there’s dinosaurs everywhere.
This isn’t a Jurasic Park or even a Jurassic World movie. This is a generic conspiracy film mixed with a generic kidnapping film where the good guys need to rescue their kidnapped child. But then they threw dinosaurs into the mix and slapped the Jurassic World logo onto its brand.
So Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler do some investigation shiz and find out the evil big bad is Discount Steve Jobs. At the end of the movie, Discount Steve Jobs gets eaten by dinosaurs—because that always has to happen. Old characters come back, because that needs to happen. Christ Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard’s characters get involved with action stuff. They go to a foreign country. More action happens. Some bad dudes get munched on. And then the heroes find their daughter and escape. Happy ending.
…Oh. Also the dinosaurs suddenly learn to coexist with humans and other animals, despite it being the film’s major plot point early on and despite the fact that after four years, dinosaurs were causing a huge problem with the ecosystem.
They do the thing. You know, the referencing thing. They say the lines. You know, the lines from the original. They recreate shots. You know, the ones from the original. There’s CGI. There’s scary shit. More things happen. The heroes survive very contrived situations that should have killed them because the plot needs them to not die. There’s a point where a plane is about to crash and when Chris Pratt asks “What’s the plan?!” the lady next to him goes like “Whatever happens.” The same plane crashes but there’s only one parachute. Pterodactyls are attacking the plane but Bryce Dallas Howard ejects anyway. They attack her parachute but she lives. Two people are attacked on a fragile frozen lake, but they don’t die. Turn your brain off. It’s not important. Nobody dies. Except the bad guys. I can’t even praise this movie in that retrospect. Say what you want about Jurassic World; at least they killed Simon Masrani, a character who, despite his naivety, was very sympathetic and literally died trying to stop the Indominous Rex. And let’s not forget how Zara got drowned and then devoured alive. Nobody really cared but at least they had the balls to do it. There are many situations where someone should have died in this movie.
But they don’t.
Except the villains.
Because fuck tension, right?
“Tyk, you said earlier that you expected Jurassic World to be the movie it turned out to be. Why are you shitting on this movie when you should’ve expected its outcome?”
Because I expected this movie to be about dinosaurs. You know, like the trailers advertised? Like the previous two movies was building up to? But no, the main plot point is locusts are destroying crops, and a teenage girl gets kidnapped and the parents gotta rescue her. Say whatever the fuck you want about Jurassic World. At the end of the day, its main plot point was that a big bad dinosaur escapes and wreaks havoc, it talks about how people are still trying to play God, trying to tame dinosaurs, etc. With this movie, if you remove the dinosaurs from the movie altogether, very few things would change. There’s a tense scene of Chris Pratt’s character driving through a city being chased by dinos on a motorbike. I envisioned the dinosaurs just being masked evil men wearing all black and helmets covering their faces. Almost nothing about the scene changed whatsoever. Even with Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the main plot point of that film was about the dinosaurs. Even that shit-fuck of a film made that its main focus.
This is the point I’m making here. They don’t even care about making a proper blockbuster film that they’re advertising! You wanna make a stupid-ass blockbuster film where we have to shut off our brain, fine, whatever. Make the film you’re advertising it to be. Give us a stupid-ass film where dinosaurs are just roaming around the world eating people and you gotta bring back the old-school characters or some shit. Sure, whatever—do it. This movie could not even do that. They just slapped some dinosaurs around in the scenes so they could say this is a new Jurassic World movie when it’s really two generic action films cobbled together with dinosaurs thrown in.
Here’s my thing about the Jurassic World trilogy. The first movie wasn’t as good as the original, but it was still good—and I will still defend that notion. The second movie broke me…it broke me. I felt nothing but sadness for the state of this franchise and other franchises as a whole. This movie invoked the worst emotion of all time.
ENNUI.
And this right here is why I’m making this journal. Not because I’m angry or sad or smugly glad about the state these movies are in. It’s because a franchise that I cared about so deeply is now a franchise I’m not only done with, but a franchise I don’t even care about anymore. This is where I’m at now. I have hit the final stage of grief. Acceptance. This franchise has been flushed down the toilet. People will pay money to see it. It’ll probably get more sequels or spin-offs. And I can’t do anything about it.
But I can implore you to stop giving money to these kind of products.
I need you all to understand that the people who created this movie did not care. They don’t have to care—why should they? You’re gonna pay money for it; they expect you to pay money for it. They don’t even expect you to care; they expect you to pay for this film so they can get rich and then they can keep making more money and shitting out inferior products that will make them more money. And I am telling you all right now, if you keep paying money for these movies, this will keep happening. We’re gonna keep getting movies that invoke not even a sense of hatred or sadness, but apathy. We’re gonna reach a point where people create movies for the sake of making movies, and people will watch movies because they don’t know what to do with their money. So they’re gonna say “Oh hey, I guess we’ll watch this movie. Oh, I watched the movie. I’m going home now.”
But hey, don’t listen to me. Listen to all these other five-star reviews from ordinary audience members and moviegoers.
“It was great and love it.”
“Loved all the old characters. And the new ones.”
“Love it! Can’t wait for the next one!”
“Awesome movie. It was really nice to se all the old actors back together and all the new dinosaurs were great. It was a great creature film. One I could watch again and again.”
“Great never a dull moment.”
“Was a fantastic movie, well done and it was great to see some of the original cast brought back! Highly recommend this movie!”
“Loved how this pulled EVERYTHING together and tied up all of the loose ends from the first 5 movies of the series!”
“The movie was awesome! Great for the whole family.”
“Loved 3-D and how you bright people from each movie together in one. And my favorite was blue and her baby . That would of set it over the top if she and baby counter acted like a pet with them only of course.”
“Action pack with a wonderful message.”
“Im a fan of Jurassic Park. Loved seeing the old and new cast together. Sad its over.”
“Jurassic World Dominion was amazing. Honestly just as good as the first one. It was really good to see the original trio, but this movie is definitely worth paying to see. It's absolutely incredible!!”
“Movie was a combination of all the past Movies related to Jurassic Park”
…That literally does not say anything about the film’s quality. :/
“What I loved about the movie is everything”
“There were dinosaurs :D”
Okay. …And?
“my son of 11 years old he said the best movie.”
“Good film but not much in the way of dominant animals or world domination by dinosaurs.”
“The t-rex stood back up like the undertaker lol”
“If you didn’t have fun with this movie you have a huge dump in your pants”
“Don't listen to the critics. They're a bunch of nerds. Just a good escapism movie. Some things didn't make sense but it's not the worst Jurassic movie.”
“Don’t listen to the critics. Movie was amazing”
“the dinosaurs slid into my dms”
The fuck? O__o
“Ignore the haters out there. This is a movie for the Fans, not snob nosed critics who think they know it all!!!”
“I liked how it introduced new dinosaurs. The Dolby sound made it a movie to remember.”
“the action the actors”
the thing the things. Five stars.
“I loved that blue was still able to find owen!!”
“When the Therazineasauras and T.Rex battled the Giganatosauraus.”
The thing fought the thing. Again, five stars.
“It was a great movie & I didnt fall asleep”
Ah, good. Glad the movie kept you awake with its noises. Five stars.
“I love how the movie has something involved with the sets you own, the deaths are satisfying and the fight is really good! I don’t care about the criticism from other people, I still thing Jurassic World Dominion is a good movie”
Ooh! Here’s a lowly half-star review I found.
“A strong cast of favorites all coming together for the first time can't save a terrible script and a weak plot. I don't know which were more incompetent: the ferocious dinos that couldn't catch their prey, or the "head bad guy" that was sub-standard and over-the-top pathetic. They wrap up part of the plot in a voice-over scene because it was clearly too big to resolve on-screen. It's two hours of made-for-TV quality nonsense riding the wave of a good franchise. Go out to dinner instead and wait for this to hit network TV. You're not missing anything.”
Here’s a three-star review I kinda agree with.
“it was ok. i liked the throwbacks and nods to the previous movies, but the story line didn't seem really there - I get the locusts were bad but it was really just a bunch of people running around trying to get away from the dinosaurs. The storyline with Blue could have been a little better too - maybe go more into detail about that. same with the Mazie line - there was so much potential that wasn't fleshed out to a point that would have made for a GOOD movie.”
So yeah. Those are my thoughts. I’m not saying you shouldn’t see this film if you’re morbidly curious. I’m saying do not pay money for it. Because whether or not you hate the movie, you’re just encouraging its apathetic creators to continue making apathetic films until all you feel is apathy and you’re conditioned to simply accept that as entertainment.
All this being said, a dinosaur ate a dude on a scooter.
Five stars.
I know it has nothing really to do with such movies but I recently got to play the "LEGO Jurassic World game" that takes pretty much all the characters as well as the first four movies and retells them in an interactive manner with parody aspects plus you can somewhat explore the two parks which was way fun for me who watched such movies plenty of times and enjoyed the Dinosaurs and some of the excitingly shot scenes.
With "Dominion", I gotta say the thing with having all the characters in it and Dinosaurs being everywhere, I kinda assumed that it would all go highwire and tehy'd be forced to try and pull off a Dinosaur war to make them all go extinct again with the ones responsible having to knda find some ways of perhaps making the Dino DNA collapse.
I gotta admit, for me to this point it's always about the Dinosaurs. I know it's somewhat of a Monster movie first and adventure second, so they have to go Godzilla on the threat, try to run from danger and I don't expect that it will be the magnum opus of the franchise. I still think it can be a lot of fun if you liked the characters from before. The question is, does this movie the characters no justice? Are they badly written into this movie? I guess people will have their opinions on that. I know a bunch of folks in the franchise made a bunch of questionable decisions and you sometimes wonder how anybody survived that and that situation, but I'd still say I'm open to see what scenes I might enjoyable in this movie and how the CG Dinosaurs and roars might entertain me still over some debatable actions by the characters and writers.
It was so freakin' boring and I cared nothing about the plots they were trying to develop.
While the action did finally pick up enough after that to keep me watching, it was all standard, stupid, Hollywood action, with no relevance to anything.
And my God, as it got toward the end, how many times did they need to show a wide shot of the entire cast of 'good guys', all standing there with photo-op poses? Never once did I feel any sense of danger toward any of them, dinosaur or otherwise.
They never even spent enough time with any particular dinosaur attacks to build up any tension. Trying to resolve multiple human plots, while spreading out the screen time to as many of the human characters as possible, you never got to spend enough time with any of them to care.
The saddest part is, they only gave us one random, on-screen vore scene, with large dinosaurs loose in an open square, and nobody cared. I would have been much more interested in what else happened with those dinosaurs than any of the ones our 'heroes' had to deal with.
Even the directors XD