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Life Update (TW)
3 years ago
TW: Physical abuse
So, to keep it as short as possible, I have been living with someone for months now who has abused me, manipulated me, hurt me in so many ways that I cannot count them. I was living with a diagnosed sociopath. And… well, he finally snapped.
About a week ago, I confided in some friends in my plans to leave this person, as I was basically trapped for awhile… And well, they immediately told the person, we will call him M, that i was trying to leave. I was awoken by screaming, yelling, throwing of things. I had no clue what was going on at the time, but he was exploding on me because the people I had put my trust in to get out of a very dangerous situation, had told the dangerous person i was trying to get away from. We argued for awhile, and he grabbed my phone at a certain point and slammed it flat against the wall. I managed to get it back, and from there things got violent. He started slamming me into walls, repeatedly, and on my spine, which is bad as it is, and has been hurting very much worse since it happened.
We went out to the front, and he started pushing me. Very hard. He pushed me into the door so hard it opened, and he tried pushing me down the stairs. I caught myself on the railing and realized just how dangerous of a situation I was in. I managed to get like a three word text to my mom “I need help”. He kept trying to grab my phone so i couldnt get help or call anyone. I made for the back patio, thinking it would be harder for him to push me over the railing, thinking it might be safer. When he got there he shoved me into the chair in the corner and started beating me, and began to strangle me. He kept on for awhile while I screamed, and my mom comes rushing in with her car. Her and my brother pop out and start screaming and crying at him to stop, and he doesn’t. About ten seconds later he realizes and lets go of me, and i make a break for it, just crying, crying, and running away. Down the stairs, into my moms arms. She was already on the phone with the police. And we had gathered a crowd of people who had heard my screaming from the main road and came to investigate. The cops came, and couldn’t arrest him because the bruises hadn’t appeared yet, despite all the witnesses and evidence. So we went to the hospital later on when they did and a police officer took pictures of hand marks around my neck and back and scratches and bruises all over me.
This M and me, we have been off and on for years now. I am always a fool and go back. But, something I must say a million times, he is a diagnosed sociopath. He is a literal master at manipulation and slight of hand, disarming and confusing, gaslighitng and really, really, hitting every nerve. And then treating you the best that they can, to win you back, and it’s a game i’m ashamed that i played such a big part in. But i thought i could save him, help him, love him better. And that will never be the case, not for someone like that. I have problems with reality, disassociation and depression in general. Being off and on with him for so long… everything is warped. I’ve become a totally different person. Some of you knew me before, and knew how much I loved to work, and interact with all my followers, and do projects and keep stuff updated… but… all of my love for life has been slowly drained out of me. Its so hard to pick up a pen and love what I do, when I just… hate myself more than I ever have. He convinced me for years I was the problem.
I deal with a lot of trauma and PTSD before this incident, and memory problems and things of that nature. He took advantage of that, and would literally tell me I was remembering things wrong to go in his favor. He would tell me these problems we have, were my fault, and my Bi-Polar, my emotional state and the way i reacted too emotionally to everything.
I could go on and on, but, honestly, I feel like im beating a dead horse trying to get my message across. I have been in a very, very bad place. This was not the first occurrence of abuse, I have videos, pictures, all sorts of things to testify to that. He messed me up in ways I am still discovering.
I did file a VPO and it was granted today, so I am protected for the next five years, and have a legal obligation to stay the hell away from him, and him me, so there’s no way to get roped in again.
Once he was served, and had to leave my place, he broke and stole a lot from me. A lot of my paintings were ripped, canvases, ones I loved, clothes of mine missing, my makeup straight up broken in half, damages to the property… it was a lot. I got very emotional upon realizing what he had done. He also stole my tablet pen, my only way to work or make money or do the commissions I’ve been neglecting due to being scared, depressed, abused, and unsafe in my own home. He restricted me from talking to commissioners for a time as well, because he didnt like the nature of my work, so I had to literally hide my stuff and who i was talking to.
I am on a road right now, i am hoping it will be good. I moved into my moms house, kinda sleeping on the couch but i am so financially, emotionally, physically drained that im just glad to be somewhere safe.
I just wanted to update everyone, I know this might be a lot to process but i am still processing it myself. Thank you all for standing strong with me, I am going to find a way to get a new tablet pen if i can, and start work back up, because i genuinely miss the community here. I really do. It breaks my heart that i was ripped away for so long by someone who did nothing for me but hurt me. I am starting to recover, I think, I’m going to therapy and doing what I need to to get past this. I am… very traumatized, I sometimes still feel his hands around my throat, even when there’s nothing there. I’m still scared of something, even though there is nothing left to fear. It leaves a permanent scar on your soul and brain. I had PTSD before this and I recognize the symptoms, but this is just so much worse than before. But I’m gonna cope with it as best I can, and return to you guys stronger than ever before, and doing more, and loving it just as much as i did when i began. Thank you for listening.
So, to keep it as short as possible, I have been living with someone for months now who has abused me, manipulated me, hurt me in so many ways that I cannot count them. I was living with a diagnosed sociopath. And… well, he finally snapped.
About a week ago, I confided in some friends in my plans to leave this person, as I was basically trapped for awhile… And well, they immediately told the person, we will call him M, that i was trying to leave. I was awoken by screaming, yelling, throwing of things. I had no clue what was going on at the time, but he was exploding on me because the people I had put my trust in to get out of a very dangerous situation, had told the dangerous person i was trying to get away from. We argued for awhile, and he grabbed my phone at a certain point and slammed it flat against the wall. I managed to get it back, and from there things got violent. He started slamming me into walls, repeatedly, and on my spine, which is bad as it is, and has been hurting very much worse since it happened.
We went out to the front, and he started pushing me. Very hard. He pushed me into the door so hard it opened, and he tried pushing me down the stairs. I caught myself on the railing and realized just how dangerous of a situation I was in. I managed to get like a three word text to my mom “I need help”. He kept trying to grab my phone so i couldnt get help or call anyone. I made for the back patio, thinking it would be harder for him to push me over the railing, thinking it might be safer. When he got there he shoved me into the chair in the corner and started beating me, and began to strangle me. He kept on for awhile while I screamed, and my mom comes rushing in with her car. Her and my brother pop out and start screaming and crying at him to stop, and he doesn’t. About ten seconds later he realizes and lets go of me, and i make a break for it, just crying, crying, and running away. Down the stairs, into my moms arms. She was already on the phone with the police. And we had gathered a crowd of people who had heard my screaming from the main road and came to investigate. The cops came, and couldn’t arrest him because the bruises hadn’t appeared yet, despite all the witnesses and evidence. So we went to the hospital later on when they did and a police officer took pictures of hand marks around my neck and back and scratches and bruises all over me.
This M and me, we have been off and on for years now. I am always a fool and go back. But, something I must say a million times, he is a diagnosed sociopath. He is a literal master at manipulation and slight of hand, disarming and confusing, gaslighitng and really, really, hitting every nerve. And then treating you the best that they can, to win you back, and it’s a game i’m ashamed that i played such a big part in. But i thought i could save him, help him, love him better. And that will never be the case, not for someone like that. I have problems with reality, disassociation and depression in general. Being off and on with him for so long… everything is warped. I’ve become a totally different person. Some of you knew me before, and knew how much I loved to work, and interact with all my followers, and do projects and keep stuff updated… but… all of my love for life has been slowly drained out of me. Its so hard to pick up a pen and love what I do, when I just… hate myself more than I ever have. He convinced me for years I was the problem.
I deal with a lot of trauma and PTSD before this incident, and memory problems and things of that nature. He took advantage of that, and would literally tell me I was remembering things wrong to go in his favor. He would tell me these problems we have, were my fault, and my Bi-Polar, my emotional state and the way i reacted too emotionally to everything.
I could go on and on, but, honestly, I feel like im beating a dead horse trying to get my message across. I have been in a very, very bad place. This was not the first occurrence of abuse, I have videos, pictures, all sorts of things to testify to that. He messed me up in ways I am still discovering.
I did file a VPO and it was granted today, so I am protected for the next five years, and have a legal obligation to stay the hell away from him, and him me, so there’s no way to get roped in again.
Once he was served, and had to leave my place, he broke and stole a lot from me. A lot of my paintings were ripped, canvases, ones I loved, clothes of mine missing, my makeup straight up broken in half, damages to the property… it was a lot. I got very emotional upon realizing what he had done. He also stole my tablet pen, my only way to work or make money or do the commissions I’ve been neglecting due to being scared, depressed, abused, and unsafe in my own home. He restricted me from talking to commissioners for a time as well, because he didnt like the nature of my work, so I had to literally hide my stuff and who i was talking to.
I am on a road right now, i am hoping it will be good. I moved into my moms house, kinda sleeping on the couch but i am so financially, emotionally, physically drained that im just glad to be somewhere safe.
I just wanted to update everyone, I know this might be a lot to process but i am still processing it myself. Thank you all for standing strong with me, I am going to find a way to get a new tablet pen if i can, and start work back up, because i genuinely miss the community here. I really do. It breaks my heart that i was ripped away for so long by someone who did nothing for me but hurt me. I am starting to recover, I think, I’m going to therapy and doing what I need to to get past this. I am… very traumatized, I sometimes still feel his hands around my throat, even when there’s nothing there. I’m still scared of something, even though there is nothing left to fear. It leaves a permanent scar on your soul and brain. I had PTSD before this and I recognize the symptoms, but this is just so much worse than before. But I’m gonna cope with it as best I can, and return to you guys stronger than ever before, and doing more, and loving it just as much as i did when i began. Thank you for listening.
It's so good to hear you've gotten out of that abusive situation though. I'm sorry that it ended so painfully for you.
Take it easy, and remember, we're all here for you, and we support you
The best of luck Garruuk hope you get better
From your previous posts, I knew your situation was bad but this...wow.
I honestly don’t know what to say except for I’m so, so sorry you had to go through this and that I’m glad you managed to get out of there.
Hopefully the healing can begin now and you’ll be able to look forward to a much brighter tomorrow!
I still am not happy.. All i wanted out of leaving was to have some peace, and all I've felt since then has been pain and deep, deep sadness... I hope it gets better soon
What's important is that you're now telling the truth and are ready to face it.
Love is one hell of a drug, the saying that love can make blind exists for a reason. Emotions are complex and don't always adhere to rationality and there is nothing wrong with admitting to that. You may fully understand that he was abusive, manipulative and dangerous, but your heart can still feel the other way and that is normal, especially if he managed to make you feel dependent on him (Which you're NOT!!!). But it's also very important that you face the facts and realize that he IS (or now luckily was) abusive, manipulative and dangerous and listen to your head for this one, even if it hurts. Because listening to your heart for this one would have only hurt you even more in the long term and almost killed you!
My sister was actually in a somewhat similar situation as yours, though not as extreme. Her ex husband was also abusive and manipulative, and she realized that. But despite this, she couldn't help but love him, even though he too physically assaulted and choked her. She only left him once she found out he was cheating on her, and even then she was still deeply in love with him and wished she could have him back. Once she left and moved back in with our parents, she felt nothing but pain and depression for a while. She wished it never happened, she wished she would have just ignored it and continued living with him despite knowing he was clearly not good for her, and she continued to wish to somehow get him back. She thought it would never get better and that she was going to be stuck in that awful state for the rest of her life.
But let me tell you, once she got out of her grief and made peace with her emotions, things got a whole lot better for her. Her whole life turned around. She started seeing friend again, got a new job, finished up uni, got her drivers license...but most importantly, she smiled, laughed and enjoyed life again. Sure, she still misses him to this day, but after she came to terms with the reality of the situation and the healing finally began, she started to noticeably feel so, so much better. In fact, this is the happiest her I can remember.
So please, don't give up or feel like you deserve this awful state of being. There are others like you out there, you are not alone, and you are definitely not doomed to a life of pain and despair. Much, much happier times are ahead of you and that peace you long for will come once the healing begins. It's sadly not an instantaneous process, so please take all the time you need and don't rush yourself. And if you need help, don't be afraid to reach out to others. You don't have to suffer through this alone.
Is there any way we can help to get you at least a new tablet pen?? What brand is it, I'd love to send even a little on Ko-Fi or something for it, I know others would do the same
My concern now is that there must have been factors which made you keep getting back together with him. And whatever those factors were, they may still be effecting you. I'm worried that even if you don't get back together with him, you may get into a relationship with someone similar to him. Because your reasons for being in a relationship with someone like that, whatever those reasons are, haven't gone away. If someone was being really manipulative, they might even take advantage of your vulnerable state, claiming that being in a relationship with them is the form of support you need.
I think there's a few things you need to remember:
1: The fact that he's out of your life, doesn't mean that the things that enabled him to control you are out of your life.
2: Listen to your therapist. They don't have the same conflicts of interest that some people in your life may have.
3: Don't trust your therapist unconditionally. Therapists can be abusive, especially to LGBTQ patients.
4: You do not need a partner who controls you. If you really do need to hand control of your life over to someone else for a period of time, that person should not, under any circumstances, be someone who's having sex with you.
5: Your first priority should always be your own well being. Even if you do want to help people; (not that it's reasonable to expect you to under the circumstances) you can't do that unless you're physically and mentally functioning yourself. And being healthy gives you the power to control how much you give to other people.
Feel free to send me a DM if you want to talk, about furry art, or anything else.
I've always been one to be able to identify bad partners, namely because of the choices my sisters made and I somehow knew those they chose were bad guys.
I'm glad you are at least somewhat safe now. I'll be here to support you as always. Therapists can help a great deal, so don't be afraid to talk things over.
Take care of yourself and I wish you a safe and comforting path of recovery.
Thank you, I am hoping it will be a quick one, I'm... ready to be moving on with my life at this point.
I've always thought it had been different people, that you've just unfortunately never been able to catch a break, but this is even harder, and i can completely understand the fear. I never realized how bad it had gotten, I've always assumed that it's been time zones being really rough.
I'm glad to hear you're safe now, please, do get some help, talk to someone. You're always welcome to talk to us, even if our different time zones mean my responses are slow and delayed.
All i can say for now though is, please, do not ever talk to that guy again, now or in the 5 years after the VPO ends. Heck, don't even talk to anyone who is associated with him if possible considering what happened.
Rest, take care of yourself first and foremost.