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Birb's a bit burnt out...
3 years ago
General
So this week has been something of a realization in me: I have been burning myself out trying to be too social online.
I am at heart an introvert. Being social drains my battery, while isolating myself replenishes it. While I have understood that for a long time the thing is I always have felt an immense amount of guilt in just being what I am. I have a weird curse in that I'm very likeable, a thing I suspect is because fundamentally I seem to be a good listener. I am in fact so likeable that I usually find myself fitting into social dynamics even when I have an active history of trying to push people away. Because of this I have a long history of people always pushing me to be social, to join them or whatever and my rejections have always been always met with disappointment. That disappointment leads me to a lot of guilt, and that guilt I think had twisted my view on what I'm "suppose to be".
I think one of my original goals in the fandom was always to talk to people because I wanted to find out who the people behind behind the art and characters, and I've got to say... to say that's been great has been an understatement. The problem is though, the more people I meet the more people like me. The more people like me, the more people I'm talking too, the more places I'm hanging out...
It's too much. I've spread myself too thin and burnt myself out though sheer listening.
The thing is I DO have a few things I could shout and say, frustrations, truths I hide, questions and such. So lemme just blurt a few things out:
* Australia sucks for a timezone in the fandom; basically everyone is asleep during when it'd be nice to talk, and everyone's pinging me during work or when I'm trying to do stuff (and yes even you night owls are sleeping when it would be nice to talk). This is actually a big reason why I've been opting out of RP stuff. It's just exhausting to do, be in the right mood, AND be not in the middle of my adult life.
* I also have zero irl furry or LGBTQ friends I can talk to about really anything. I'm still like... in the dark on a lot of stuff. Stuff like looking in meetups or Barq has come up in conversation, but I'd be lying if that sort of stuff is hella intimating. Not to mention doing it is somewhat contradictory to the whole "burning myself out socially".
* I'm still really scared about catching covid. Pandemic's been rough for everyone but it's been a big part of my inaction over the past few years because my personality is inherently anxious; for instance I put of getting my drivers license for +5 years simply because I was terrified of any sort of danger. Weirdly I was more healthier in panic phase than the now "return to normal" phase. We also did kind of went through several long lockdowns where I live which definitely may have played a role in my perception of things. I was scared enough of everything before the simple act of interacting became so dangerous ;v;
* Even though the fandom has been very liberating there is still a ton I hide about myself. Mostly on a level of just not wanting to know I like a kink or whatever, but it's been preventing me from interacting with artists and such because of those fears. For instance I do hover around some ABDL/diaper stuff from time to time. Not my biggest kink (pretty sure that's pet play) and honestly a lot I still find... questionable, but I desperately want to just like... make a comment, tell an artist what they did was cool idea or interesting because there's a ton of weirdly complex themes and interesting people there that I want to talk to. This isn't even the only kink like this: I've been lurking in the fandom for a long time and fetish creep is real if you hang around too long uvu. Anyways, there's your warning if I might try the odd branching out here or there.
Blah, anyways that's all birb for now. Sorry if you read all that and were just here for pretty birb art lol
Also heading for bed for work tomorrow, so like... no trying to ping me for a big long conversation. That's sort of been the cause for a lot of this mess >v<
I am at heart an introvert. Being social drains my battery, while isolating myself replenishes it. While I have understood that for a long time the thing is I always have felt an immense amount of guilt in just being what I am. I have a weird curse in that I'm very likeable, a thing I suspect is because fundamentally I seem to be a good listener. I am in fact so likeable that I usually find myself fitting into social dynamics even when I have an active history of trying to push people away. Because of this I have a long history of people always pushing me to be social, to join them or whatever and my rejections have always been always met with disappointment. That disappointment leads me to a lot of guilt, and that guilt I think had twisted my view on what I'm "suppose to be".
I think one of my original goals in the fandom was always to talk to people because I wanted to find out who the people behind behind the art and characters, and I've got to say... to say that's been great has been an understatement. The problem is though, the more people I meet the more people like me. The more people like me, the more people I'm talking too, the more places I'm hanging out...
It's too much. I've spread myself too thin and burnt myself out though sheer listening.
The thing is I DO have a few things I could shout and say, frustrations, truths I hide, questions and such. So lemme just blurt a few things out:
* Australia sucks for a timezone in the fandom; basically everyone is asleep during when it'd be nice to talk, and everyone's pinging me during work or when I'm trying to do stuff (and yes even you night owls are sleeping when it would be nice to talk). This is actually a big reason why I've been opting out of RP stuff. It's just exhausting to do, be in the right mood, AND be not in the middle of my adult life.
* I also have zero irl furry or LGBTQ friends I can talk to about really anything. I'm still like... in the dark on a lot of stuff. Stuff like looking in meetups or Barq has come up in conversation, but I'd be lying if that sort of stuff is hella intimating. Not to mention doing it is somewhat contradictory to the whole "burning myself out socially".
* I'm still really scared about catching covid. Pandemic's been rough for everyone but it's been a big part of my inaction over the past few years because my personality is inherently anxious; for instance I put of getting my drivers license for +5 years simply because I was terrified of any sort of danger. Weirdly I was more healthier in panic phase than the now "return to normal" phase. We also did kind of went through several long lockdowns where I live which definitely may have played a role in my perception of things. I was scared enough of everything before the simple act of interacting became so dangerous ;v;
* Even though the fandom has been very liberating there is still a ton I hide about myself. Mostly on a level of just not wanting to know I like a kink or whatever, but it's been preventing me from interacting with artists and such because of those fears. For instance I do hover around some ABDL/diaper stuff from time to time. Not my biggest kink (pretty sure that's pet play) and honestly a lot I still find... questionable, but I desperately want to just like... make a comment, tell an artist what they did was cool idea or interesting because there's a ton of weirdly complex themes and interesting people there that I want to talk to. This isn't even the only kink like this: I've been lurking in the fandom for a long time and fetish creep is real if you hang around too long uvu. Anyways, there's your warning if I might try the odd branching out here or there.
Blah, anyways that's all birb for now. Sorry if you read all that and were just here for pretty birb art lol
Also heading for bed for work tomorrow, so like... no trying to ping me for a big long conversation. That's sort of been the cause for a lot of this mess >v<
As far as that last point on kinks goes, I would just say don't feel ashamed of something you like. You don't really have a say over what you do or don't enjoy. You just look at something and you either like it, are neutral, or dislike it. Your only choice is to decide if you want to indulge in it or not, and if it's not something that has a negative impact on someone else, there's no reason not to. I think most people have kinks they hide and indulge in secret, so whether you want to share them or not, there's no reason to have internal conflict over it.
And just remember, acknowledging a problem is the first step to improvement. Things will get better from here💜!
Choose your chats carefully, don't be afraid to let people know that you just don't have the time! You've got to take care of yourself above all others!
As for the kink stuff, dive in! Be free, be you, indulge in what makes you happy! If anyone comes up and criticizes you CRUSH THEM >:C ...Or something. People who spend their time policing others' kinks have no life of their own to live and shouldn't be taken seriously : /
And yes, this is a community about being our self-indulgent selves after all. Being nice to other people shouldn't get in the way of me being nice to myself.