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Journal I’ve been meaning to write for a bit
7 months ago
General
So, I’ve had the concern for a while about my sexuality, specifically about my sexual drive and want of romantic relationships or lack thereof. I’ve never really been interested in dating or really made any attempts to do so, and honestly even the fantasies I’ve had of wanting a close relationship with someone end up with me still desiring a lot of personal space.
A lot of my desire for like a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever over the years has actually came from a sense of guilt, or a desire to do to do “what I’m suppose to”. Now I know there’s nothing wrong with not wanting those things: asexual and aromantics exist but it’s not exactly something I considered lumping myself into.
Nowww I should admit that a ton of social relationships have me wanting to spend time with myself and to keep people at arms lengths a lot of the time. I feel it does annoy quite a few friends and family that I don’t spend as much time with them as they would with me. It’s also a common thread that I see a lot of online friends discuss that they really desire a significant other, and I’m mostly like… I’m kind of content there?
It does strike me that I might be aromantic, or at least somewhere on the spectrum there (cause apparently there’s a whole spectrum there). I still lean I’m bisexual over asexual, best I could say is maybeeee demi but like ehh, I dunno how much that part matters to me this second.
Not that I exactly want to commit to any identity change this second; a fear I have is that my lack of desire of a relationship is because I’m just like, old and lazy heh, but a lot of this does put a lens on choices and things about me over time.
But this is something I’ve been thinking about and wanting to blurt out for a while. And yes I know this puts me in an odd position commissioning a gallery full of kinky stuff of a romantic character and admitting you’re not sure you desire much of it in actuality. Actually I mean Glori in some respects was meant to be a deconstruction/warning of the reckless chance of it all so maybe it does make sense. Well at least I tell myself that, a lot of it is obviously excuses for kinky stuff.
And I mean I still love the kinky parts, cause I definitely kinky, that’s for sure >v>
A lot of my desire for like a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever over the years has actually came from a sense of guilt, or a desire to do to do “what I’m suppose to”. Now I know there’s nothing wrong with not wanting those things: asexual and aromantics exist but it’s not exactly something I considered lumping myself into.
Nowww I should admit that a ton of social relationships have me wanting to spend time with myself and to keep people at arms lengths a lot of the time. I feel it does annoy quite a few friends and family that I don’t spend as much time with them as they would with me. It’s also a common thread that I see a lot of online friends discuss that they really desire a significant other, and I’m mostly like… I’m kind of content there?
It does strike me that I might be aromantic, or at least somewhere on the spectrum there (cause apparently there’s a whole spectrum there). I still lean I’m bisexual over asexual, best I could say is maybeeee demi but like ehh, I dunno how much that part matters to me this second.
Not that I exactly want to commit to any identity change this second; a fear I have is that my lack of desire of a relationship is because I’m just like, old and lazy heh, but a lot of this does put a lens on choices and things about me over time.
But this is something I’ve been thinking about and wanting to blurt out for a while. And yes I know this puts me in an odd position commissioning a gallery full of kinky stuff of a romantic character and admitting you’re not sure you desire much of it in actuality. Actually I mean Glori in some respects was meant to be a deconstruction/warning of the reckless chance of it all so maybe it does make sense. Well at least I tell myself that, a lot of it is obviously excuses for kinky stuff.
And I mean I still love the kinky parts, cause I definitely kinky, that’s for sure >v>
See I also forgot to also include the part that about a year or so ago I had a shift in mindset that allowed me to be more accepting of "I'm allowed to be alone and not feel guilty" and that acceptance basically cause the small desires for romantic relationships to basically plummet to nothing. So I kinda thinking there's something leaning into that.
With that paradox I think I am lucky that I do have so many friends and such to be content in relationships, but I have wondered if I define friends looser that others do simply because I require less interaction to be content with. I do love a chat with a friend sometimes, but it can be hard for me to uh... hang out, at least without a goal.
Which is a little odd, because there are people who I know I'd say yes to if they wanted to be in a relationship, but I don't really feel like I'm missing out without being in one.
I don't really know if it stems from being introverted and having a low social battery and long recharge periods, or if it comes from a sexuality identity. I gave it some thought a while ago, and for me, I would probably describe it is pansexual but demiromantic. There's an attraction to people regardless of gender but, if there were to ever be a true romantic tie, it would be because they're a person who happens to check certain boxes to not trigger that instinct to keep people are arm's length.
I've also started to realize that with a lot of things I tend to be more content and happier with a situation when in the "honeymoon phase". Specifically with work, I tend to enjoy a job or position shortly after starting, but the longer I'm doing the same thing, the more I want a change. Same thing with my home, after so long I'll want to rearrange all the furniture or swap to a different bedroom, and hotels always felt really comfortable because they were always new too. I think that is related to my ADHD, and I've recently started to wonder if that's also related to my lack of interest in a committed relationship.
All in all, I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting a relationship. I figured I'd share my experience in case it also resonated with you and could offer another perspective on what it sounds like you're feeling. I don't think it really need to find a label to put on it, but I've found that it's helpful to work out the best way to verbalize the feelings and be upfront with people about them, to avoid leading anyone on. I've had that happen a few times and it's not fun x.x
And my god the whole trying to deconstruct sexual identity from neurotypical behavior is a thing isn't it? I even had me wondering if my anti-depressants are getting in the way of things, and then like where everything begins and ends.
Pfft okay you might be the opposite of me with ADHD thing: I'm very much someone stuck in my ways of my routine (to a point I felt guilty about it for no reason) and someone who much prefers being at home and close to the things I know. There was a time I thought I could be on the autism spectrum... which honestly I might be. Though it is interesting where share ideas in the spot of aromantic spot.
And yeah good advice in the end. I kind of worry about leading others on, but I've also struggled if the feelings I have are like real? Like I care about people, but they just might be expecting something more.
Also good to hear ya! Gotta remember I still use the art of me sitting on ya in my banner heh >v>
Sure, I could write out a whole paragraph or two explaining the intricacies of my psyche. But, after doing that a few times, it's probably easier to say pansexual/demiromantic because it describes it well enough, even though it's not 100% accurate. It just makes conversations easier and if it comes up I can elaborate then.
Kind of like ADHD, it can lead to behaviors like mine, or the direct opposite. But yet both sides of that coin can use the term to make explaining it to others easier to understand and then you can slowly unravel the intricacies over time. Also, interesting to know you have the exact opposite of that tendency and have the same feelings towards relationships, might just be two separate quirks for me then x3.
And that is one of my favorite pics! I really wish I had more time to chat and game with you, but the time zone difference and my very limited availability make it tough.
I always fall into a trap of not having time to socialize for weeks or months at a time, then when I do have time to connect I always feel awkward and that I need an explanation for not being around which just leaves me putting off reconnecting for longer, and then the longer that goes on the stronger the discomfort of feeling the need to explain myself gets >.>
But as someone said over there -- the label doesn't matter that much, what's more important is that you've got what you need and you're fine with it!
Good for you to keep on working finding yourself. It'll pay off. Way to go, Glori!
What I meant to say is that they never fit "exactly" and that's okay because everyone is different, so don't get stressed if there's not a label that fits you perfectly.
It also makes sense that you’re not rushing to label yourself as well. Most of the time, those labels are more useful to others than to us anyway, especially on the internet. You seem to know what works for you already, even if it doesn’t come with a name, which is what is important.
And honestly, liking a kink without craving intimacy isn’t what I would call a contradiction. Fantasy doesn’t owe reality anything. There’s nothing hypocritical about that unless someone else tries to project meaning onto it which is not your job. You can like something without wanting it, a prime example can be violent video games that people play. I don’t think the majority wants to know how it is to take a life IRL, but the game is still fun.
So yeah, I think this makes sense. I don’t think you’re confused, personally. I think you’re just not wanting to lie to yourself, and that’s a better place to be than most honestly.
Honestly, liking something doesn’t always need to be deeply meaningful either. I am fully tattooed and like 70% of them are just sporadic designs with no meaning. Sometimes it’s just a shape, or colors or tone that just feels right, even if it doesn’t reflect who we are day to day. People change all the time. None of us are still our 5-year-old selves, right? Fantasy can be a sandbox more so than anything else.
And the fact you're aware of it also helps you explore it further. I say take more risks, figure more out. Whether it’s curiosity, kink, comfort, or a mix of all three, you’re allowed to explore it safely, just make sure you keep the "safely" part close.
Actually there is quite a few things in my gallery that's come about exploring an idea I'm trying to understand. Honestly it can be more fun figure out how to write a little description or story for a piece of art that came out in an unexpected way.
Heh, I think I'll stay away from tattoos though; waaay too worried about a commitment for something like that >v<
I never even considered trying to meet someone or engage with romance in any way, and I'd usually chalk that up to just being extremely introverted. I'm perhaps unhealthily content staying in my room and not talking to anyone, and even having to say a single word to a stranger is an immense chore; so of course there's no way I'd willingly go out and talk to people in any of the ways that would let me date someone.
But yeah I've been thinking lately that there might be some amount of aromantic leanings in there and not just 'not being a fan of socializing' getting in the way; I straight-up don't even have a smidge of longing for that sort of stuff. I sometimes entertain the idea that it might be nice, but even then I feel it'd only work out if I could just chill alone 80+% of the time. Never had a crush on anyone, ever, and those sorts of feeling seem plainly alien to me.
And likewise when I think about my kinks it basically never involves physical contact with anyone, and I've never lusted after someone (at least not IRL. Some fictional characters are very pretty.) I'm very possibly asexual in some way, because aside from my kinks I basically never think about sex, and even my kinky thoughts basically never involve anything to do with the genitals in any real way.
So yeah there's a lot of this that I feel you there.
I will say that I have maybe had crushes? At most 3 at separate points, but they were all kind of... I dunno not really extreme or anything, and they all really didn't have much thought, or drive to achieve. In finding some comments about aromantics I found one person who maybe considered the crushes they thought they had less to be crushes and more just wanting to be friends with a person of the opposite gender with some confusion on how to achieve that. I dunno, all hard to say. Also I don't think this invalidates my current feelings, just some thoughts.
Also you definitely sound like you lean a bit harder on the asexual side if your ideas avoid genitals. Not exactly a smoking gun, but that seems to be a common vibe.