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Mental Illness
3 years ago
It's hell. What more is there to say? 13% of the entire planet suffers from it. Many of us deal with it daily. It seems like a neverending battle, you take 2 steps forward, and it knocks you 4 steps back.
Mental illness is something I myself have struggled with for over a decade, at 15 I was diagnosed with chronic depression, at 17, my ADHD was re-diagnosed with autism, and, yet again, in 2021 I was diagnosed, again, with chronic depression.
This is a battle I've struggled with for 2 years, dealing with constant suicidal thoughts, urges, formulating plans, ect. But why?
I have everything I could ever want. I have a roof over my head, I have personal comforts, I have fresh drinking water, a job I love, a boyfriend, soon-to-be fiancé, who puts up with all the bullshit I throw at him. I have some level of skill with art, and a few very loyal friends.
I have what many people can only dream of. And yet, I still can't seem to shake the feeling. The constant pit in my stomach, the feeling of being unwanted, not good enough for people, unloved, hated even. Despite everything else, I feel this, more often than not. Why?
Therapy, medication, hobbies, skin to skin contact, why doesn't it help? Why am I not allowed to be happy with what I have? Why am I forced to feel worthless, to the point I have to struggle to stop myself from grabbing my gun off my nightstand and putting a hole in my temple? Why do I lay awake at night, with constant negative thoughts, worsening the feeling in my gut?
I have found these feelings only subside when on outings with my boyfriend, and now, even that isn't a constant. We went out last night, I bought a new longboard, we went to the mall, bought some stuff from Hot Topic, had a nice dinner, and yet, the entire time, I could only feel the feelings grow worse. Why?
I have tried, my entire adult life, to be a good person. I help everyone I can, when I can, no matter the personal cost to me. Whether it's talking them out of suicide, providing comfort during a stressful time, taking money out of my bank for them, or even pulling them out of a snow filled ditch in winter. I have all of this personal affirmation, all of these comforts, and yet, still, my mind torments me.
Suicide is something I've begun to grow comfortable with over the past 6 months. It used to terrify me, the idea of hurting my loved ones in such a selfish way, and yet now, I find the thought almost comforting. My soul feels like it's been crushed over the past year, losing parts of myself left and right, drawing, writing, engaging with friends, my comfort areas, anything. All I do is work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, and nothing else. My boyfriend, bless his heart, works his ass off to try and make me happy, and yet I can't even seem to find the energy to pay it forward unto him.
Why? Why am I such a miserable, privileged asshole? Why do I have, all of this, and yet, like a child, I'm fucking miserable? Why? What the hell is wrong with me?
Life sucks, and I'm growing to enjoy the idea of putting my lights out for the big nap a little earlier than planned.
Mental illness is something I myself have struggled with for over a decade, at 15 I was diagnosed with chronic depression, at 17, my ADHD was re-diagnosed with autism, and, yet again, in 2021 I was diagnosed, again, with chronic depression.
This is a battle I've struggled with for 2 years, dealing with constant suicidal thoughts, urges, formulating plans, ect. But why?
I have everything I could ever want. I have a roof over my head, I have personal comforts, I have fresh drinking water, a job I love, a boyfriend, soon-to-be fiancé, who puts up with all the bullshit I throw at him. I have some level of skill with art, and a few very loyal friends.
I have what many people can only dream of. And yet, I still can't seem to shake the feeling. The constant pit in my stomach, the feeling of being unwanted, not good enough for people, unloved, hated even. Despite everything else, I feel this, more often than not. Why?
Therapy, medication, hobbies, skin to skin contact, why doesn't it help? Why am I not allowed to be happy with what I have? Why am I forced to feel worthless, to the point I have to struggle to stop myself from grabbing my gun off my nightstand and putting a hole in my temple? Why do I lay awake at night, with constant negative thoughts, worsening the feeling in my gut?
I have found these feelings only subside when on outings with my boyfriend, and now, even that isn't a constant. We went out last night, I bought a new longboard, we went to the mall, bought some stuff from Hot Topic, had a nice dinner, and yet, the entire time, I could only feel the feelings grow worse. Why?
I have tried, my entire adult life, to be a good person. I help everyone I can, when I can, no matter the personal cost to me. Whether it's talking them out of suicide, providing comfort during a stressful time, taking money out of my bank for them, or even pulling them out of a snow filled ditch in winter. I have all of this personal affirmation, all of these comforts, and yet, still, my mind torments me.
Suicide is something I've begun to grow comfortable with over the past 6 months. It used to terrify me, the idea of hurting my loved ones in such a selfish way, and yet now, I find the thought almost comforting. My soul feels like it's been crushed over the past year, losing parts of myself left and right, drawing, writing, engaging with friends, my comfort areas, anything. All I do is work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, and nothing else. My boyfriend, bless his heart, works his ass off to try and make me happy, and yet I can't even seem to find the energy to pay it forward unto him.
Why? Why am I such a miserable, privileged asshole? Why do I have, all of this, and yet, like a child, I'm fucking miserable? Why? What the hell is wrong with me?
Life sucks, and I'm growing to enjoy the idea of putting my lights out for the big nap a little earlier than planned.
a key for you in there is you see being a child as being miserable. as someone who finds comfort and enjoyment in AB/DL, doesn't that seem contradictory to you? I am not saying you are wrong, merely asking why must being a child be miserable when adults just work and say boring things about the weather. i am also AB/DL. being a child could feel like all the magic and wonder in the world is real and here just for you.
something to consider.
sometimes its as easy as taking a deep breath and letting those things that are going go. i've felt like things that were dear to me were stripped from my soul. if i hadn't deleted all my old journals going back to when i joined FA a decade ago, you'd be able to see 98% of them were depression venting. trust me, i've been where you linger. i spent much too long there.
it gets better.
but you do need to take the steps to get the process going. but after the hardest work is done, its like a snowball rolling down the hill, and you may find you're catching up to new wonderful things all of a sudden instead of catching up to the next healing fix.
now, i am going to go stern on you. do not take this as a negative thing. i am telling you because otherwise what i am about to say might come as a shock.
someday, i will pick you up in my Firebird with the T-tops out and we will cruise the most beautiful roads you've ever seen. Long before that day comes, you will recognize that life was worth living and you'd have found that little raincloud that's telling you the horrible things you feel and squashed it.
don't you dare keep me waiting by doing something so stupid like closing your eyes forever, understood?
If you'd want to talk to me nearly anything furry fandom related, feel free to hit me up, I'll reply asap, nearly no matter how I feel. I can promise it to 95-100% hopefully.
celebrating the little things certainly helped too. going out, learning how to cook a new meal.
you do things step by step, and eventually, you'll see how far you've come