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Feeling lost...
3 years ago
I feeling completely lost and like there's no one and nothing I belong to. I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in. I see something or someone that interests me, and I try my best to be a friend and to be a part of others lives only to end up defeated and disheartened, time and time again. I always feel unheard and I don't understand what I'm doing or where I'm going with anymore. Sure I have likes, and sure other people say they like what I do, but I always seem to end up doing and being completely alone in everything I do, and it hurts. It hurts to keep trying and feeling shut out or put at arms length so many times when I try to be a part of something with someone.
Everyone tells me just to be myself and everything will fall in place, but I feel like it's just a lie that's been told to me all my life. I've only ever been myself, and it's all I ever can be and it's made me miserable. I've had such an agonizing time gaining and maintaining anything I feel is real. I've even taken steps to try and examine myself, how I talk, how I act, how I feel, so see if I'm doing something wrong and if I can improve myself or if there's some better angle I can approach things. I try to tell myself that the feelings I'm feeling now are just a product of being unsure and that I have to be patient, that I am doing what I can and that's all that matters. I keep trying to tell myself that, if something doesn't happen, or if I don't connect right away, that others aren't looking away or down at me with malice. I know that's not how it really is, I know those thoughts are false. They're probably just busy or feeling down themselves, but it's like... constant, all the time, and if I perhaps seem a little pushy at times, it's entirely out necessity for someones friendship and love, and if there's one thing I wish people would understand more than anything, it would be that, because I'm hurting and in a really dark and lonely place.
It's entirely possible that I'm just experiencing neglect and it's not at all my fault, but I don't know that either, and I would never wish lay blame to anyone even if it wasn't my fault. It never makes anything better and wouldn't make me feel any better doing so, but trying to fix things also never seems to work. All I know and can ever do is convey how something makes me feel, I might not be able to explain it in any rational way and what I feel might not be relative to how things actually are, but that doesn't change the fact that feel at all, and I should be allowed to say it. Right now though, I wish I couldn't feel at all, because it always seems to hurt me and others when I tell them what I am feeling about anything. It's not always a bad feeling mind you, but there are many MANY times where I feel like I can't say how I'm actually feeling or it will just upset everyone every time. Like I am not allowed to be upset about anything, or when it is a positive feeling, like it's almost always ignored, or even discouraged, because they just don't have the time or energy. Again that's not always what's actually said, most times I'm left handing for days, and that's how it feels.
I feel caged and like I'm not allowed to fully express myself or BE myself regardless of people telling me otherwise, and that's why I feel like it's a lie. It might seem like a good idea to encourage someone by telling to be themselves, but unless the time and energy and environment for them to actually be themselves and be responsible for their own well-being is provided to them, the message might as well be read as fend for yourself rather and be for yourself. I don't think there's anything truly wrong with me and I've always tried to be everything I can be, and even also be and do for others as well, and I just don't feel like any of it ever really mattered. In fact, I've even had others tell me they never really thought I cared, when to me I gave everything I possibly could, and it's all because the one time I decide to express my dislikes and concerns on a situation, that's what happens. I just... I can't... What was it all for? If I can't even say one thing that's bothering me. All that time, just lost, because I was upset about something, rather than try to see and understand and take me seriously, they have to say something so cruel and crushing.
Anyways... I'm just... I don't know where I am anymore...
Everyone tells me just to be myself and everything will fall in place, but I feel like it's just a lie that's been told to me all my life. I've only ever been myself, and it's all I ever can be and it's made me miserable. I've had such an agonizing time gaining and maintaining anything I feel is real. I've even taken steps to try and examine myself, how I talk, how I act, how I feel, so see if I'm doing something wrong and if I can improve myself or if there's some better angle I can approach things. I try to tell myself that the feelings I'm feeling now are just a product of being unsure and that I have to be patient, that I am doing what I can and that's all that matters. I keep trying to tell myself that, if something doesn't happen, or if I don't connect right away, that others aren't looking away or down at me with malice. I know that's not how it really is, I know those thoughts are false. They're probably just busy or feeling down themselves, but it's like... constant, all the time, and if I perhaps seem a little pushy at times, it's entirely out necessity for someones friendship and love, and if there's one thing I wish people would understand more than anything, it would be that, because I'm hurting and in a really dark and lonely place.
It's entirely possible that I'm just experiencing neglect and it's not at all my fault, but I don't know that either, and I would never wish lay blame to anyone even if it wasn't my fault. It never makes anything better and wouldn't make me feel any better doing so, but trying to fix things also never seems to work. All I know and can ever do is convey how something makes me feel, I might not be able to explain it in any rational way and what I feel might not be relative to how things actually are, but that doesn't change the fact that feel at all, and I should be allowed to say it. Right now though, I wish I couldn't feel at all, because it always seems to hurt me and others when I tell them what I am feeling about anything. It's not always a bad feeling mind you, but there are many MANY times where I feel like I can't say how I'm actually feeling or it will just upset everyone every time. Like I am not allowed to be upset about anything, or when it is a positive feeling, like it's almost always ignored, or even discouraged, because they just don't have the time or energy. Again that's not always what's actually said, most times I'm left handing for days, and that's how it feels.
I feel caged and like I'm not allowed to fully express myself or BE myself regardless of people telling me otherwise, and that's why I feel like it's a lie. It might seem like a good idea to encourage someone by telling to be themselves, but unless the time and energy and environment for them to actually be themselves and be responsible for their own well-being is provided to them, the message might as well be read as fend for yourself rather and be for yourself. I don't think there's anything truly wrong with me and I've always tried to be everything I can be, and even also be and do for others as well, and I just don't feel like any of it ever really mattered. In fact, I've even had others tell me they never really thought I cared, when to me I gave everything I possibly could, and it's all because the one time I decide to express my dislikes and concerns on a situation, that's what happens. I just... I can't... What was it all for? If I can't even say one thing that's bothering me. All that time, just lost, because I was upset about something, rather than try to see and understand and take me seriously, they have to say something so cruel and crushing.
Anyways... I'm just... I don't know where I am anymore...
If you can try to find professional help, maybe that would be a better resource. Regardless, well wishes from someone who has been through the whole cycle before.
I had this one friend once that I knew and talked to and played games with for years, most of the time we would play what they wanted to, even though I expressed multiple times that I wasn't really liking the choices because they were too hard to stressful for me, got called a retard I don't know how many times, and then when I told them how I was feeling and needed some space, it was basically like, well okay if you don't talk to me at least once a week, we're not friends anymore and any other stuff we did together you'd better take down because you don't deserve it, as if I was "still paying" for something already given. Again that's not what was actually said but like, pretty damn close to it and it's fucking nuts. It's like for every 1 good person I find, there's 20 more that do something like that to me, and by good person I mean ones that I can seem to talk to about stuff, but ultimately hold me in limbo waiting for days, weeks, even years sometimes. I always feel like I'm always the one reaching out trying to make things happen, then waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more, and when I'm not, I better be "paying" for it somehow and it'll always be held against me, and even when I thought I was already "paying" every way I could. As soon as something bad comes up, there's no real talk about it or at least a, well no hard feelings then, it's always like, NO, you're just simply the worst and have always been the worst, remove any record of us ever doing anything together. I just can't take it anymore. I wish I could find someone(s) I really jive with so well that we want to do everything together, and that are level headed enough to not do stuff like I mentioned above. I get that some arguments are inevitable, but it's like they always end like that, in the worst possible fashion as if nothing ever mattered to them at all. There's been times when I've realized I was wrong and apologized, and almost always my apology is not welcomed, other times when I know without a doubt I wasn't in the wrong, and no one has ever EVER apologized to me. I don't think I can recall a single time, and for me it was never about anyone being right or wrong, it was just about trying to explain how I felt, likes or dislikes, and how I wished things could go differently and wanting to work together to make it happen, but no one ever seems to want to make an effort anymore, or when they do, they take it as an expense to themselves and hold it against me without telling me, which isn't what I ever want anyone to do. I've done things at my own expense for others too, and either let it go completely, or tried to be a patient as possible in hopes that they might take notice and want to do the same for me. I try really hard not to bring it up, but when I'm feeling down and lonely and wanting their love, it's hard not to say something, so maybe they are misconstruding it for that reason, or maybe they're not, but I still try to make it worth their while. I don't think it's wrong to want something out of a friendship. I don't think its natural to have a friendship and not want something out of it, and that's basically what I try to aim for, is fulfillment on both sides, and would hope someone could forgive me if I'm less than perfect at that at times. I can't imagine that I've been screwing it up so badly every single time as to warrant such vicious cruelty almost every single time. People scare me now, but I can't help but keep trying again, always ready to through myself into that potential and seemingly likely fire, but I do, because I just can't see a life without anyone at all.
I can note you that information if you want, but to me it seems like genuine neglect and that you're getting shoved into a corner emotionally and I would like to get to know you better anyway, in a less public sphere. You've always seemed like a pretty cool and genuine person everywhere I've seen you online.
The point is, if you wanna contact me in a DM, I'll send you a note with my Discord ID. My DMs are open if you wanna talk, just hmu and I'll get back to you ASAP. I hope things turn around for you, dude. You deserve the best.
Regardless, if you ever need or want I am open to talk or even just be someone you can vent to, My DM is always open and all contact on my page are up to date.
Dunno what else to add, but it can be hard to find enough people to spread out the weight of interaction. Especially lately with how much negativity that's out there.