All right. So I've finally uploaded the entire backlog of my artwork since I started again seriously in August 2021. Going through everything has filled me with a lot of emotions. Honestly, I'm kind of bewildered by the number of submissions I've accumulated, though many are alts, or WIPs of finished pieces that stood out to me independently of the finished work. Back in ...October 2021 or so, I challenged myself to put out 2 drawings a day (though later in Feb 2022, it seems I found that restrictive and I tried to decrease output, but I think by then I was addicted to drawing pinups of whatever came to mind), despite that, I really never thought I could have ever kept up with drawing so much. It's indescribable the despair I felt all these years being unable to draw anything at all. It was so painful. Like, genuinely heartbreaking every time I would have the impulse to create something, my brain would stop myself from finishing or sharing, for like a decade. Even though 2021 and 2022 were easily the worst years of my life*, I actually felt like -- and was -- something other than a brainless body that goes to a minimum wage job, pays bills, and does nothing -- literally nothing -- and goes to sleep.

Did I grow as an artist? Looking at the pieces I put out in sequential order, it would be easy to say no. I took a lot of shortcuts with my approach to colorizing (though some I developed due to eye trauma, and then used later as a crutch), but in the context of my existence as a being that has always needed to produce artwork, yet for some reason simultaneously prevented myself from doing so in a meaningful way, the experience of going through a completely unfamiliar art program, a completely unfamiliar medium, learning the "wrong" ways to do things, then finding out other methods (regardless of whether or not I allowed myself to devote enough time to explore them in those moments), I feel like I did grow a lot.
I was desperate to output a high volume of works because I essentially had no portfolio to show at all, and I wanted to paint full time, not only as a hobby for myself, but for clients as well. There's nothing more fulfilling to me than being able to bring to life someone's vision! But I was faced with the reality that I couldn't demonstrate my abilities (to myself, and to clients) if I didn't have any works from the current decade... So I hunted for ways that I thought would save time so that I could both produce content that I enjoyed and could potentially help me pay rent.

Now that I don't have the same constant, perpetual, harrowing stresses of 2021 and 2022 over my shoulder, I feel like I can devote more time with the aspects of creation that really speak to me, and not just those that I can produce quickly. I really feel like my art TANKED HARD when I was 1) working in a style that I felt "forced" into (one that I thought would be quick and also appealing and 2) when the stress of life responsibilities/existing got overwhelming. I had ideas on the directions I wanted to take my art, but I never felt like I had enough time to explore and learn when I had bills to pay, on top of being completely and entirely inexperienced in the field of navigating algorithm based social media. I really never used social media at all to begin with. It could be easy to say that I spent a lot of time fucking around, but really I was maximum stressed out, maximum dread 100% of the time this entire time. I think that it's okay to pat myself on the back for being able to do anything, let alone output what I have at all throughout all of that.

There's a lot that I could have done better looking back, and a lot of habits with regards to posting my works that I need to change, on top of returning to art fundamentals. Though despite I'm currently out of a living environment where I was always feeling threatened, I think my body is still reeling through all that. I still feel the pressure, depression, and hopelessness from this past year. I'm not really sure how to break out of that cycle, because logically I know I don't have to deal with those outside pressures anymore. At the very least, this upcoming week my EBT card will come in so I'll be able to have those needs constantly/consistently met going forward, to make sure my body has enough resources to devote to meaningful learning in addition to being burned up by unfounded anxiety.

Anyway that's my retrospective! I hope to be able to provide more works that we both enjoy, with a consistency that is equally satisfying. Thanks for joining me on my journey, sincerely.

*adult life, growing up trans was kinda trash LMAO

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Forgot to add this little bit -- there was a period of time, from Feb - July of 2022 where I was incorporating imgan and dall-e mini (exclusively these two) into the backgrounds of my works. I hadn't considered the artistic infringement aspect of AI at that point in time, and instead looked at it entirely from an enjoyment of mixed media point of view, sort of like when someone superimposes their OC onto a photo. I was still heavily painting over the images that dall-e mini/imgan provided me at the time (all submissions utilizing imgan/dall-e mini have been updated with the original source file. I'll link them in the comments to this journal) -- not that that justifies my use, just explaining my thoughts at the time. I'm no longer incorporating AI generated images into my works.