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Venting
2 years ago
If it isn't one thing, it's another. Going to be selfish with this one.
Where to start?
I guess we need to start with a little bit of context. Lately, I've been losing substantially more drive. Started as a few minutes of a day here and there, but over years it's turned into days and weeks. It feels as if I'd been slowly eroded of all my driving force. Days will crop up now and then where I get it back, slam out a ton of stuff, feel great for a couple of days, and then fall into the rut of empty feelings again.
Initially, I thought this was burnout creeping in and out as I took breaks. Two days or heck two hours of doing what I like shouldn't be causing burnout though. There would be days when just looking at some creative effort felt empty. Even taking a simple picture felt hollow. Just no emotions to anything.
Constantly asking the question "Am I happy?" to be followed up with "Why shouldn't I be?" kept me from thinking any deeper for a long time. I had no reason, no right to be anything other than happy. There was nothing to be unhappy about; if there was, I was just whining. I always beat myself down and tried to count myself lucky.
I never wanted to burden anyone else with my issues. My issues seemed petty or childish. I didn't want to bring my issues up as I was always worried it would minimize others’ issues. So I just stayed in my corner and slowly piled up these issues. Keeping out of everyone's way so they can deal with their stuff or reaching out to share their load. Others have it harder and I should be helping out where I can.
But it's all gone. The emotional energy to help others has dried up. The emotional energy to help myself dried up with it. It's a scary feeling to come back from hanging out during the holidays to take a moment to think about "Am I happy?" to then be met with no feelings. Just sat there, trying to answer the question, but couldn't even answer with another question. Just everything was gone, the well had dried up. It stayed dry for four days and I knew there was something immensely wrong.
Sought help, getting help, and learning that I have depression. I would say what do you do with that kind of information, but my first response is always "How do I fix that?" Everything can be fixed eventually. The well can be filled again, but with just myself, it is going to be a long time.
Everyone always talks about reaching out to your support network. All I have to say is, what support network? I've been everyone else's support, but the crushing reality for me was that no one was willing when I needed it most. "No one wants to help the helper." Why help someone that is helping you? Obviously, they have their stuff together if they're extending a hand to help right?
I should have known much sooner no one in my life would be willing and I guess I did but never wanted to accept it. I've experienced deaths in my life, deaths that impacted my life in very negative ways. Through each of those, I was always expected to help everyone else. No one asked how I was, no one checked in on me. I was left to fend for myself, to keep myself together, and to keep others together.
I gave up my 20s in service of others, a decade of my life with little to show. Friends that called me a brother ran away and stopped communicating whenever I needed them most. So, it's just me, fighting with life alone. Fighting and starting to lose my footing, but I'm still fighting. I'm starting to hear the encouragement from my corner and see the individuals that are really there for me, I just need to make it through the round first.
This journal is temporary and potentially be deleted at some point. I just needed to scream into the void because screaming into reality got me nowhere.
Where to start?
I guess we need to start with a little bit of context. Lately, I've been losing substantially more drive. Started as a few minutes of a day here and there, but over years it's turned into days and weeks. It feels as if I'd been slowly eroded of all my driving force. Days will crop up now and then where I get it back, slam out a ton of stuff, feel great for a couple of days, and then fall into the rut of empty feelings again.
Initially, I thought this was burnout creeping in and out as I took breaks. Two days or heck two hours of doing what I like shouldn't be causing burnout though. There would be days when just looking at some creative effort felt empty. Even taking a simple picture felt hollow. Just no emotions to anything.
Constantly asking the question "Am I happy?" to be followed up with "Why shouldn't I be?" kept me from thinking any deeper for a long time. I had no reason, no right to be anything other than happy. There was nothing to be unhappy about; if there was, I was just whining. I always beat myself down and tried to count myself lucky.
I never wanted to burden anyone else with my issues. My issues seemed petty or childish. I didn't want to bring my issues up as I was always worried it would minimize others’ issues. So I just stayed in my corner and slowly piled up these issues. Keeping out of everyone's way so they can deal with their stuff or reaching out to share their load. Others have it harder and I should be helping out where I can.
But it's all gone. The emotional energy to help others has dried up. The emotional energy to help myself dried up with it. It's a scary feeling to come back from hanging out during the holidays to take a moment to think about "Am I happy?" to then be met with no feelings. Just sat there, trying to answer the question, but couldn't even answer with another question. Just everything was gone, the well had dried up. It stayed dry for four days and I knew there was something immensely wrong.
Sought help, getting help, and learning that I have depression. I would say what do you do with that kind of information, but my first response is always "How do I fix that?" Everything can be fixed eventually. The well can be filled again, but with just myself, it is going to be a long time.
Everyone always talks about reaching out to your support network. All I have to say is, what support network? I've been everyone else's support, but the crushing reality for me was that no one was willing when I needed it most. "No one wants to help the helper." Why help someone that is helping you? Obviously, they have their stuff together if they're extending a hand to help right?
I should have known much sooner no one in my life would be willing and I guess I did but never wanted to accept it. I've experienced deaths in my life, deaths that impacted my life in very negative ways. Through each of those, I was always expected to help everyone else. No one asked how I was, no one checked in on me. I was left to fend for myself, to keep myself together, and to keep others together.
I gave up my 20s in service of others, a decade of my life with little to show. Friends that called me a brother ran away and stopped communicating whenever I needed them most. So, it's just me, fighting with life alone. Fighting and starting to lose my footing, but I'm still fighting. I'm starting to hear the encouragement from my corner and see the individuals that are really there for me, I just need to make it through the round first.
This journal is temporary and potentially be deleted at some point. I just needed to scream into the void because screaming into reality got me nowhere.
Sometimes the people you know and perhaps even love or respect don't show their true colors until you're in dire need. Young signs of anxiety and depression shit with panic attacks at 4 years old be damned. Now they do since doctors have diagnosed it, but had I never gotten it diagnosed they'd have insisted it was all in my head.
Now my problems weren't just family of course, they are just an example of one of the aspects of it. But they were the biggest example of where they could have helped but refused be it because they didn't want to or other reasons.
I know the pain you're going through. I hope that it gets better, but unlike most people I won't just say it will. Because I am not in your shoes, I'm not near enough to you to know what you go through. I can only hope. Especially since recently things have not gone well for me in my own life, becoming disabled from possible neuropathy and being unable to do even the most basic things some mornings.
Once more, I hope it gets better. I can't really help you in any way except words on a screen and emojis, but I hope what little help I provide lets you know you aren't just screaming into the void and SOMEONE hears you even if they are unable to help you.
Finding the right people that push you to get help and then stick around is hard.
Knowing someone is hoping for the best for me is enough, but all of the words and emojis make it concrete! The help you provide is more than a little! I hope things improve for you as well and I really appreciate the kind words. <3