For everyone who is participating in the To Write Love on Her(or his) Arm cause, I personally say thank you.

I've started to see more and more submissions relating to the cause (which I found out about a few days ago), and they're really touching. I especially find them to be touching because it hits home, and quite hard.

This sort of explains my disappearance around here as well. Hopefully I don't sound like a whiny little attention-seeking bitch or anything, I'm just going to tell you all what's been going on. Seems like a good time, since the TWLOHA cause has started to pick up and makes me less afraid to openly discuss this.. But I've hit my all-time low as of late. Came to realize I was getting depressed, and honestly I was almost to the point of giving up on everything. A month ago, my dog Ratchet had to be put down, a week after that my boyfriend moved. After that, my midterm report came in the mail, one of my grades was screwed up. Since that, my family has been making my life a living hell. Constantly bitching, putting me down, and basically trying to get it through my head that I'm doing nothing but setting myself up to fail. My own mother has made me feel like I am absolutely worthless, stupid, unable to accomplish anything. Even having an injury (tendonitis in my ankle) is just a feeble attempt to get attention and get out of work, in her eyes.

My boyfriend then moved back here, but has yet to get his own place. Obviously, I am going to worry about him and try to help him. He's been going from friend's house to friend's house, and now he has less than a week at a friend's house, and after his time there has run out, he's back on the streets for a 3rd time. Other situations arose, and we also decided to take a break...however, my mother and her side of the family have been raising hell. They've been trying to cause problems between him and I for months now, and seeing as we're taking a break of sorts, its the best opportunity they have to start problems. I refuse to let them tear us apart, but all the negativity and 'he said, she said' shit, the two-facedness...it's really wearing me down.

It hurts, and sadly, I have no one right now. Actually I do, I have my boyfriend but he has far too much on his plate right now to worry about my problems. I can't ask him to do that. I also have my dad and my grandmother on his side of the family, and my aunt..but I am so afraid to go to them about anything. I feel like an annoyance, a burden, like I shouldn't waste others' times with my little sob stories (..even typing up this entry is hard, I keep wanting to just highlight everything, delete it all and forget about it). The fact that the other half of my family has been so two-faced, and lead me into a false sense of security just to toy with my emotions and play their little mind games...it's made me REALLY afraid to go talk to anyone. So I bottle it up. I've bottled it all up for a month now, and I can't bottle it up anymore. It's gonna lead to self-destruction, in a sense.

So I've taken up counseling. Slowly but surely, it is working. Its difficult, because I can't open up well at all. But I've come to realize through counseling that my anxiety issues are far worse than I had originally thought. And I also have no self-confidence. I lack an inner strength, and I keep teetering on the brink of legitimately giving up. Hopefully I can work my way through counseling and get back on my feet.

TWLOHA, however, is one thing that brought a smile to my face. There's so much support that comes from it. I think it hits home for a lot of people. Just wanted to say thanks, as a person who now REALLY understands those sorts of struggles, every ounce of support really helps. (: <3