As the title says, I don't do much journal writing or posting a lot, but something recently happened, a confusing conversation that, while I've talked with some friends about it. I still feel no better...and most of my journals are ignored on here anyways so, why not.

It burns me a bit to feel like I'm being ghosted, or get short responses over something I feel needs more of a conversation, especially when that thing deals with a friend's, other friend coming to my dm's out of the blue to 'brag' or sound like they are trying to get a 'gotcha' out of me, and rile me or try to upset me using said friend.

I'm not going into details because I do respect not giving details due to the friend being put in the middle of something that shouldn't be a middle.

Someone from the past who I still had on my friend's list, decided to randomly message me today, claiming they thought it was amusing how...according to them...I tried to keep my friend from being friends with them and calling them things I never did, as their 'reasoning' for being hostile I suppose. They claimed a lot of things which after the incident and talking with some friends did come across as them almost 'bragging' about manipulating my friend...I reached out to said friend and got a bit of a short response.

Now understandably this friend is super busy with many things, and I do hope they decide to speak to me a bit more in-depth over this, but right now I feel like I'm being messed with in a way I don't wish to be. I have friends telling me I don't deserve these kinds of actions, others speculating why, and I'm just left confused, while the person wished me to be seething and angered, I'm left numb and tired of these people...

I'm tired of false friends, fair weather fakes, and people who have to find some reason to 'logically' hate me and try to hurt me...if you are someone from my past, and feeling vindictive for whatever reason you've decided...fine...whatever...come at me all you'd like, people like that have been doing this junk for years...

and it's always over the SAME people...I don't want to remove friends but I'm sick of the same friends being used as some collateral to hurt me, anger me, or whatever the spiteful ones see fit to bestow my life with, I'm also tired of having those same friends decide I'm not worth defending to their 'other group'...I'm tired...emotionally drained to where I just can't find one shred of an iota to care about what everyone else wants of me...

All day since this incident I've not wanted to do anything... except get a conversation out of the way so I can just move on...Which does not seem like it will happen, so I'm posting here since no one reads my journals anyways I'm basically talking to the wall. If every so many months or every few years, I am going to have to deal with someone else who I once was friends with over some junk that never happened or was brought on by their own accord with 'me' as their hate boner target...

I'm going to start removing friends from said past so you can all just leave me alone, you don't wanna defend me, fine...don't friend me...I'm that fed up with wishy-washy people who show more care for their 'knowingly' hateful and harassing friend groups than the person who actually gave a shit about them, I defended them when they cried to me about things that were said or done to them that wasn't right, that tarnished their characters or hurt them because they felt they had no voice or choice but to accept the harsh and hateful lies others spread...

but when it was me in that circle?...them claiming they 'KNEW' the words were lies against me?...they stayed silent...they cared more about the people who HURT than the ones who cared?...

These feelings have always been here in me, under the surface, bubbling over the years because I wanted to see the better side of people, to keep the ones who stayed...but i'm sick of this...I'm sick of NOT saying anything because I want to be the 'better person' about this shit... I'm tired of people coming to me accusing me of saying things I did not say, or go on to friends about how they 'know she's talking shit about us'...

When honestly I'm not, I wanted to just move on and NO longer have anything to DO with said people, not be bombarded every so often between months to years of silence to having to deal with some new crackpot vendetta fetish fucker who dreams of 'taking out their boogieman' and have me as their listed A-1 Villain in their half cocked hero arch...

I'm not your villain, i'm NOT your personally demon or some force of evil to fight, I'm a person who just wants to LIVE my life without thinking about the backstabbing hateful jerkwads I THOUGHT were my friends...

.....



There's my rant to no one...