"Close your eyes as you caress the necklaces around your neck. You remember what they stand for? Where you got them? Breathe... in, then out slowly. Don't let them take over," the voice whispers in my head as it always has. I find myself petting the cat necklace around my neck, containing ashes of a very good girl that I wish could have lived longer. I then trace the other one, a very good gift. The voice speaks again, " these act as anchors, they are and always will be. Remember Mammas curling up on your stomach during a panic attack, sleeping tight against you every night. Remember your friend's voices, all of them on a bad day. You are strong, you are here, you breathe and move through each day." I shake my head to myself as if acknowledging I know they are right, I know they speak truth they always have. I feel the demon stirring within me, deep in my core. Its getting tired of overhearing the things I'm told everyday. The negativity and fear and depression that usually feed it, just annoying it even further. "I'll stick out for you," it whispers with an evil chuckle. Tempting offer some days. I can feel the invisible leash around my neck tightening and being pulled bringing me to my knees unable to breathe. The voice that has guided me my whole life again speaks, " not now, you can fight it. Remember... you can do it, just... remember. Remember who has stood by you the past few years. Remember whose been there for you. Remember." I try sucking in a tight breath and then releasing it I close my eyes. I see it clear as day, but getting myself to acknowledge anything is another story. Things will get better, you can only climb up. I hear those words in one ear. You will never get out of here, you might as well give up on your plans, what you are doing isn't good enough, i love having you hear but you need to move out. Echo in the other ear... I wish it could be simple as ignoring it, or pushing it aside, can't fight back. Each conversation with my adversary is stepping on egg shells or thin ice trying not to break through. Manage what you say, manage how they will react, manage everything. Not a conversation, just life right now.