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About Failure
2 years ago
I wanted to talk about failure because it's something that recently hit hard for myself.
So very recently I got my first (non-school related) art gallery opportunity, for which I was making 3 oil paintings for. A medium which I fancy a lot but because of time and resources has been difficult to focus on, but I finally managed to set aside two months (thanks to one of them being a big commission, right up my alley). Unfortunately little by little more and more sudden life responsibilities came along, one by one my ability to finish each painting in time for the gallery was gone. Two of my friends did try their best to assist me on the piling daily chores to get back some of the lost hours but in the end even more new problems came along, completely unrelated to the previous ones.
I feel like a failure to those who tried to help me, also to myself but even worse and angering feels the belittling from others that I'm lazy and didn't put in enough effort or take in account for possible delays. Of course I could've scheduled even more time on this, however there is always a limit to how many pre-cautions can be made and I definitely didn't dance on the very limit with this - considering how important it was for me.
It's difficult to draw the golden line between scolding myself on not doing enough and understanding that a lot of things in life just happen and it's not our fault. My entire life is full of failures, and it has never been the end of things, the only real end is when you decide to not push through anymore.
- - -
But not only have I been looked down upon for the art thing, but the scenarios with health care have been beyond angering. Perhaps it's because I still look really young, nobody takes anything I say or do seriously. My problems have been belittled and I've been denied care because I seem fine, but because I wasn't fine it's been really hard to fight back, there was a moment where I considered if I can get care faster if I poison myself with painkillers because the non-prescription ones weren't enough to get through without screaming on the floor, how far do you have to go to be taken seriously? There was also another instance where it wasn't ok for me to wait with my partner but it was fine for an elderly couple under the exact same circumstances.
It angers me that most people will belittle others just because it grants them a feeling of superiority.
The world needs more kindness, but also kindness is extremely tough.
-Neo
So very recently I got my first (non-school related) art gallery opportunity, for which I was making 3 oil paintings for. A medium which I fancy a lot but because of time and resources has been difficult to focus on, but I finally managed to set aside two months (thanks to one of them being a big commission, right up my alley). Unfortunately little by little more and more sudden life responsibilities came along, one by one my ability to finish each painting in time for the gallery was gone. Two of my friends did try their best to assist me on the piling daily chores to get back some of the lost hours but in the end even more new problems came along, completely unrelated to the previous ones.
I feel like a failure to those who tried to help me, also to myself but even worse and angering feels the belittling from others that I'm lazy and didn't put in enough effort or take in account for possible delays. Of course I could've scheduled even more time on this, however there is always a limit to how many pre-cautions can be made and I definitely didn't dance on the very limit with this - considering how important it was for me.
It's difficult to draw the golden line between scolding myself on not doing enough and understanding that a lot of things in life just happen and it's not our fault. My entire life is full of failures, and it has never been the end of things, the only real end is when you decide to not push through anymore.
- - -
But not only have I been looked down upon for the art thing, but the scenarios with health care have been beyond angering. Perhaps it's because I still look really young, nobody takes anything I say or do seriously. My problems have been belittled and I've been denied care because I seem fine, but because I wasn't fine it's been really hard to fight back, there was a moment where I considered if I can get care faster if I poison myself with painkillers because the non-prescription ones weren't enough to get through without screaming on the floor, how far do you have to go to be taken seriously? There was also another instance where it wasn't ok for me to wait with my partner but it was fine for an elderly couple under the exact same circumstances.
It angers me that most people will belittle others just because it grants them a feeling of superiority.
The world needs more kindness, but also kindness is extremely tough.
-Neo
I'm not saying "take no blame", but rather "what can we learn from this?" instead.
As long as you learned something, nothing is ever truly a failure. (it's cliché, but true to an extent)
Hopefully, your health things got figured out. Sorry you were on the receiving end of what basically amounts to ageism. :\
For some reason it's always understandable when other people go through things, but I should always be learning from "my mistakes".
So I get it - I wasn't implying that you had made mistakes and only had yourself to blame, simply that if there was something to learn about it, then you shouldn't shield yourself from it (hence the "deflection" comment - something I've been on the receiving end of myself more often than I'd care to count).
If you did everything right and it didn't work out... then do some self-compassion and don't blame yourself for it. Don't scold yourself over things that you can't control. Mourn the lost opportunity, but don't let it stop you is what I'm trying to say (in a pretty bad way, it seems... x_x sorry about that). :3
Things in life do happen. Things come up that demand your time, even when you don't have time to give.
Everyone fails at things all the time, and heck even things that look like outright successes may still feel like a failure to yourself. Eg, a picture might not come out as good, or as quickly as you wanted it to in your head. But don't go beating yourself up over things like that.
From what I saw of the painting you were doing, you were doing an absolutely astounding job. You've got an incredible talent, which can only be obtained through years and years of trying, doing your best, then improving upon that. You're great at what you do no matter what your brain is telling you.
As for health issues. Please do look after yourself and it can be extremely frustrating when it feels you're not being taken seriously. ODing to be taken seriously is never the answer though. I hope you can get whatever is causing problems resolved.
I don't think most people will belittle others, people are generally decent. It's just that rude and stupid people seem to shout the loudest all the time.
Please look after yourself though!
I just dislike thay since life is already as hard as it is, and sometimes unfairly things pile on some people and not everyone evently and statistically as expected, I could go without being mocked for unfortunate events.
Art snobs are people with narrow visions and lack the empathy of emotion put into a piece, which is what art is all about. No one is impressed by a bunch of paint splattered on a canvas or a picture of a soup can and, why do people keep painting sunflowers? Because it invokes emotion and ambiance.
People these days are simply not equipped for expansion outside their own world because it feels safer than being confused. Keep in mind your individuality and how you are making the world beautiful, even if it's just on a subconscious level of reception. Just by existing, you won the lottery of life and, by default you are important to the universe and those around you.
there isn't an area in my life that I am not a pathetic failure at. doubly so for interpersonal relationships and my health (diabetic)
so while I'm not in horrid pain all day every day, I'm slowly killing myself because if no one else cares, why should I care?
so I kinda know they feeling of failure, and I wish I could say or do something to help you feel better somehow.
but I'd just screw it up
you on the other hand are an artist with a following (me included) and we like what you post, and we care.
so just keep on keeping on and we'll be here for you
You can schedule for it as much as you can but a general rule of thumb is regardless as small as an activity or chore is, expect it to last at minimum 30 minutes to even an hour and they will add up. If it requires you to leave the house, expect it to last 2-3 hours and it especially adds up then. Today I literally spent 3 hours just cooking a fresh breakfast from scratch. Before you know it your entire day is gone. This is not a failure on your part, it is just life and it is awful. People speak of the multiple adventures they have within a tiny time frame and I am shocked by how they could even schedule for that.
I can say that you're in a tough spot as you said that you even over-prepared and things still got out of control. The best thing I could say is what can you modify to change an outcome? What is affecting your life that you can change reasonably to have a discernible effect for the better later on? Every little bit helps.
But that doesn't to give up.
Sad to see it happen to you, hopefully things get better with some nice Candy Apple.
I don't know if you are in the US, but here it is horrendous. Everyone I know with a serious health issue has stories like this. My friend with autoimmune disease? They prescribed her huge, long stretches of steroids and now she has a steroid related eye disease that WILL render her blind over time. No cure, no nothing. Blind. My friend lost his wife because they failed to find her re-emerging breast cancer, and it metastasized and killed her. My Uncle was just diagnosed with kidney cancer. He had gone to so many doctor's visits to figure out what was wrong and until recently didn't find out that his kidney was a giant, cancerous mass the size of a softball.
Sorry to rant, but the fight for medical advocacy is insane. So many doctors will belittle what you are going through. It took me years to be diagnosed as bipolar, and I am literally missing chunks of memories of entire years. It took my husband and I being stubborn as hell.
That said, the best thing is to try and find a Doctor who will take you seriously. I don't want to stereotype, but I have found overall female doctors to be better because, quite frankly, many female doctors know what it is like to have their concerns disregarded. (That idea comes from my female General Practitioner.
Hope things look up for you all around!
Aye, it very much does.
I'm not gonna say to "do this or do that", but for me, having a strong dosage of stoicism is what has kept me sane. Any time a hurdle springs out of nowhere, I remember CJ's line "Aw shit, here we go again." I don't consider it "failure" anymore. I classify it as "de-prioritized." If other more important things get in the way, I can accept DNF-ing the time sensitive thing I wanted to do in the first place.
Additionally, the "what if I did it X-way" doubts also plague me. It's easy to be self-critical after the fact when I am not pressed to fix a truck, or take 20 minutes to grab food, or have that much needed nap, or took that 1 hour break to just not be overwhelmed by work. Keeping track of the things that took my time, and fully realizing why I let them take my time and if I'd do that again helps me get a bearing on how to handle it for next time. Telling myself and friends/family "no, I can't do this chore/event right now. I'm busy with X" has been the hardest shift for me in recent years as I've always bent over backwards to please others.
There's no room to scold past-you for decisions that they made, especially if you're reflecting on an outcome that was unknown to your past self. That kind of comparison is unfair towards yourself in the past. We're faced all the time with uncertain, unreliable, conflicting information. Moving timelines, sudden changes, bad days, different priorities. To be able to make any decisions at all in such an environment is a huge achievement, and often overlooked, because things are quiet when they're going well.
Accepting your failures doesn't have to make you arrogant. You can accept the failure - without scolding yourself or anyone else - and ask yourself if there was anything future-you could do differently as a result. Note that this is not "past-me should have known X", but "now that I know X, perhaps future-me should Y". Sometimes it's not possible or feasible to change anything, especially if the factors contributing to it weren't in your control. If the failure happened due to sudden unpredictable events, there's very little you can do short of having a crystal ball to predict unpredictable events in the future.
If you made the wrong decision, it's not being a failure. It's not even about under-preparing. Even the perfectly prepared person still makes occasional mistakes, leaves occasional blind spots for a potential gut punch. We all do this from time to time. Please don't scold yourself for it, and never allow someone else to scold you for it. <3