So in order for y'all to understand everything I'm about to say I'm gonna give yall a small excerpt of my life up to this point. see my dad passed away from Covid and My mom has suffered 5 different heart attacked and she's only 67 or so years old and while I love my dad don't get me wrong, he accomplished grand father and even great grandfather status b4 he passed away in 2020. My mom however hasn't crossed the bridge from motherhood to grand-motherhood because both of her sons are large disappointments. My straight brother has landed 30 different women over the course of his life *exaggeration but that's how it feels* and hasn't had one single child. His younger brother *me* has only ever had guys in his life. I was with a girl once in like High School when I was like 15 or 16 years old, but after that nothing but sausage fest. Don't get me wrong I like most the men in my life, I even am mated with a bun bun whom I love very much. Dispite all that no women, and it's not like I'm anti-doughnut or anything it's just no women have been attracted to me as far as I know. If someone came my way and wanted to chill *not in a sexual way/not everything is about sex* I wouldn't mind that, but it's just never happened. And that's why the following actually upsets me deeply

The real reason why I dislike Jasonafex isn't because he's a neo-nazi racist or whatever rumors are being spread about him. The real reason is Kabier and PeaceWolf. now you must be asking "what did Kabier and PeaceWolf do?" Well for start according to rumor Kabier was groom by Jason at age 15. This claim holds little weight imo and the reason why is because even thought the "internet doesn't forget" Kabier A is an adult now and B has not admitted she was groomed. So in the eyes of the law she was not groomed sorry to say. unless she renigs and says she was groomed and Jason could face criminal charges, then yeah... but until that day comes, probably never will plus she's married to the guy it's just not gonna happen. So the internet may never forget but this claim holds no weight or merrit sad to say.

So he has a wife and that should be enough right? Nope... This man broke up the marriage between Foxglove and PeaceWolf and now he's fuckin peacewolf. The story is longer than that BUT long story short in a fandom of 81% male identifying 19% female identifying members *according to a recent most likely inaccurate poll* This garbage human being has two women on his waist. This living piece of shit is also living the dream and it's kinda sickening. how the fuck does someone who acts the way he does have 2 women on him while alot of single straight and bi-sexual guys can barely if ever can find a girl in the fandom and have to settle for other guys. Now Im not undermining anyone's relationships I'm just saying the universe is a fucked up human being to allow someone like him to have 2 women, but anyways...

But the reason it bothers me is larger than "oh he has two women and you're jealous bawww" The reason is a bit more personal than that. See I love my mom very much, but I'm starting to lose faith in my own life. I don't understand why in my late 20's I still haven't made her a grand-mother yet. But I'm surrounded by friends who give all this negative and deterring advice to me. Their saying everything under the sun except what they really mean. That I'm not an individual worthy of having children and that by extention and a worthless human being. Last night I got a text from my cousin I haven't heard from in 2 years just for him to tell me he has a son now. That's the 3 cousin younger than me who has advanced to fatherhood. And while I should be happy for him, this news actively contributed to my depression even worse But muh-fuckas wanna tell me "you're too young for kids" and they been telling me this for years.

Honestly and I'm being brutally honest. I've been thinking about suicide alot lately, and none of this not one damn piece is helping me or helpful. I'm of the mentality that if my mom passed away tomorrow I'm walking right along with her, why? because all I ever wanted was to be a father, but in a world where abortion reigns supreme *and yes I'm pro-abortion but still* and women are actively choosing not to become mothers. What fucking options do I have? Adoption yes, cool but not to belittle adopted children but I would really appreciate a natural birth weather it's thru sex or invitro fertilization i prefer that to have my child. But none of this matters if my mom died. If she doesn't get to see at least one grand baby I lose my purpose in this life. And I know I know yall gonna mention how expensive kids are or food, and clothing etc. school... I don't care about any of that wanna know why? because I been planning to be a father since I was 16 year old. Far over a decade+ ago. But yeah that's where my head is at right now. I dunno how when or where but I hope I'm next in line to be a father because I'm telling you watching everyone around me becoming parents actively hurts me to the core. so if my mom dies then I'm out. I think my best bet is jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge because that's how little value my life holds. Otherwise I would've been a father by now and living a much much happier life