I don't understand that apparently my crime for caring and worrying about you is somehow worse than someone who attempted to dox you live on stream.

What makes it even more painful is that you forced me to confront that person with the bad news that we knew they would react to poorly because apparently it was *my* responsibility.

You were also the one who pushed me to not forgive this person and part ways.

You then just went silent on me, while at the same time you were criticizing somebody else who suddenly left your best friend. I was trying my best to be involved with you without forcing or imposing myself.

Then you went back to involve yourself publicly with the individual who doxed you while ignoring me who had not a single ill-intentioned bone my body.


You were my friend, something that I do not say lightly. I wanted to support and help you succeed. I wanted to make you smile and pick you up when you were down.

But in the end, you just ended up crushing me at a time where I needed a friend the most. I had to drag my mother into the backseat of a car to a hospital with her screaming in agony from mysterious pain. My horse and life-long companion was trapped on his side for hours, his legs cutting deep furrows in the muddy embankment literally died as soon as touched him. I had nobody to comfort me during that time. Perhaps my wording and language was off during that time with the massive amount of stress on my shoulders.

You then called just "some online friend" after you quite literally invited me to meet you. We had a plan for months, just to cancel a few weeks before. You would jokingly tease saying "You can call me your girlfriend" which I also jokingly shot down. You even drew me a gift, which isn't something you usually do. At least at some point, I must of mattered something to you.

Perhaps you misinterpreted my genuine kindness for niceness. Maybe you thought I was doing all of this just for some sort of personal gain.

It wasn't.

The thing is, I cannot lie. I don't know how to. I can be blunt in language because I am kind. Being nice means to lie about how you truly feel. I listen far more than I speak.

I want to help people, I hate harboring anger and frustration. If I criticize you, it means I do care about you. I wanted to help you. My dream was to help other people achieve their own dreams.

I hate being in torment. I hate being unable to pick up the pen. I hate frustration boiling up during a quiet or idle moment. I'm tired of being hurt.

I really don't want to type this, I don't want to be angry, and why I haven't typed this despite happening six months ago.

I want to apologize, forgive and move on. But I can't do that with nobody there, and alas, this is the only option I have left. It's the reason why my art has died, the fact I haven't created something in nearly a year.

Is it my fault for this pain I have from this former friendship? Maybe. But I cannot accept all the pain. In all honesty, it was our fault. If you were upset at me earlier, you should have brought it up and discussed it with me instead of giving me the cold shoulder. I never turned you down when you wanted to talk to me.

You see, in this world today, with the rise of the AI and all, we need to actually care about the people behind the art, and if you truly believe we are all from one great being, then having anger between us just means hurting yourself. I cared about the person behind the art, for that is how we foster and grow art.

Therefore, I am sorry. But if writing this publicly is the only way for me to have peace in my own heart, then it is what I must do as I wasn't allowed a conversation first before parting ways.




Anyway, I don't know if I will ever be coming back to doing art here or not. I won't completely rule it all out, nor delete what I made previously. Even if what I made in the past may be difficult for me to smile at or be happy with today, others may still get some happiness out of it, and that is all what matters to me.