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Important! About my absence.
2 years ago
This is a long read. And it's a sad one. But if you were worried about where I was and have 5 spare minutes, here's what happened.
This whole summer I lived in a nightmare that I still can't talk about without crying. My mom was diagnosed a right kidney carcinoma, and all our family went through... A lot of pain. I won't dig into details too much, because coming back to these traumatic memories is still too hard for me... she had a surgery, the huge tumor and part of her kidney are gone, she's still healing now because the scar is very big, and she's still on further examination, as there is another lump in her lung, and who knows what it is and where else can be something...
When mom was in hospital and a while after, all the responsibilities we shared (taking care of the crops in the garden, bringing veggies to grandparents, caring about my granny with last stage of Alzheimer's and grandpa with cancer) fell on my shoulders. I also cooked for mom and brought some neccessities to the hospital everyday during her stay (she could only eat plain chicken broth and they didn't cook it in the hospital). I mobilized all my resources just to help my family and be there for them for as long as I could, while my own health, both mental and physical were declining dashingly due to terrible stress and anxiety.
All I could do when I stayed alone after a hard day was crying or staring at the wall. I lost a lot of weight, to this point I have almost no fat left on my body. When I caught a chance to hang out with friends, they would always feel uncomfortable, because I was just, not there. I couldn't smile or laugh, I was quiet, secretly happy that I don't have to stay alone with my thoughts. My clinical depression was back, and this time I was helpless against it.
In the middle of August my boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years of relationships. He said: "Everything just feels wrong. And I don't think we can fix it." Since then it worsened even more... I lost sleep, appetite was gone completely and all my chest felt clinched. Breathing, drinking or eating was painful and immediately lead to crying. My adrenal glands were driving me crazy, I kept feeling as I was falling down from the skyscraper everytime. Only doing cardio would temporarily bring the tremor and fear away, as though speeding up wasted the adrenaline I was producing for no reason. So I started running outside and learning playing basketball at the free pass school playground. My friend who has depression too returned from Thailand and moved in with me. We lived together for 3 weeks, and thanks to her I was able to stay home and work, less effectively than usual, but at least I was able to function somehow. After she moved out, my state worsened again. I avoided staying home at all cost, I did all kinds of free outside activities and sports while Autumn was still warm. Just staying home for a day alone brought me a lot of pain, like I was about to die. Then I caught this new type of covid and it knocked me out of life. At least, thanks to this illness, I slept well first time in an entity. However, one after another, my chronic diseases started to escalate. For a couple of week's now I have stomach ache and nausea that needs medical checkup. The worst thing is I still love my ex so much, but I will have to learn to let it go, I pray to get through it with dignity, too...
I drained my credit card for medical supplies, food and bills, I have a 2500$ debt and I am absolutely exhausted.
I feel terrible about my disappearance as well, the more I was absent the harder it was to come back, read notes from people with violated deadlines and etc. Because I'm depressed, it feels like everyone hates me, and even if someone doesn't, they definitely will. I feel very fragile and helpless, but it's been burdening me. I really want to heal, accept my fate and live happily. And I really-really want to come back here and fix everything. I already finished some artwork that I could, and I'm planning to dedicate November to taking care of all my debt art.
However, I will have to continue taking commissions and making YCHes, because I need medical help, I am completely broke and have nowhere to borrow from or get support for myself.
I don't feel like I deserve it at all, and I'll be honest, I probably won't be able to do anything in return if you'd want to support me, but if you do, you can do it through my boosty: https://boosty.to/adorableinall
Again, I am so terribly sorry. I really am. I'm just asking you to please be kind to me and wait a little longer for your arts, even though I know, I made some of you wait forever. I promise to do my best and complete everything as fast as I can. đź’”
Thank you for taking time and reading my story! I hope you're doing alright.
This whole summer I lived in a nightmare that I still can't talk about without crying. My mom was diagnosed a right kidney carcinoma, and all our family went through... A lot of pain. I won't dig into details too much, because coming back to these traumatic memories is still too hard for me... she had a surgery, the huge tumor and part of her kidney are gone, she's still healing now because the scar is very big, and she's still on further examination, as there is another lump in her lung, and who knows what it is and where else can be something...
When mom was in hospital and a while after, all the responsibilities we shared (taking care of the crops in the garden, bringing veggies to grandparents, caring about my granny with last stage of Alzheimer's and grandpa with cancer) fell on my shoulders. I also cooked for mom and brought some neccessities to the hospital everyday during her stay (she could only eat plain chicken broth and they didn't cook it in the hospital). I mobilized all my resources just to help my family and be there for them for as long as I could, while my own health, both mental and physical were declining dashingly due to terrible stress and anxiety.
All I could do when I stayed alone after a hard day was crying or staring at the wall. I lost a lot of weight, to this point I have almost no fat left on my body. When I caught a chance to hang out with friends, they would always feel uncomfortable, because I was just, not there. I couldn't smile or laugh, I was quiet, secretly happy that I don't have to stay alone with my thoughts. My clinical depression was back, and this time I was helpless against it.
In the middle of August my boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years of relationships. He said: "Everything just feels wrong. And I don't think we can fix it." Since then it worsened even more... I lost sleep, appetite was gone completely and all my chest felt clinched. Breathing, drinking or eating was painful and immediately lead to crying. My adrenal glands were driving me crazy, I kept feeling as I was falling down from the skyscraper everytime. Only doing cardio would temporarily bring the tremor and fear away, as though speeding up wasted the adrenaline I was producing for no reason. So I started running outside and learning playing basketball at the free pass school playground. My friend who has depression too returned from Thailand and moved in with me. We lived together for 3 weeks, and thanks to her I was able to stay home and work, less effectively than usual, but at least I was able to function somehow. After she moved out, my state worsened again. I avoided staying home at all cost, I did all kinds of free outside activities and sports while Autumn was still warm. Just staying home for a day alone brought me a lot of pain, like I was about to die. Then I caught this new type of covid and it knocked me out of life. At least, thanks to this illness, I slept well first time in an entity. However, one after another, my chronic diseases started to escalate. For a couple of week's now I have stomach ache and nausea that needs medical checkup. The worst thing is I still love my ex so much, but I will have to learn to let it go, I pray to get through it with dignity, too...
I drained my credit card for medical supplies, food and bills, I have a 2500$ debt and I am absolutely exhausted.
I feel terrible about my disappearance as well, the more I was absent the harder it was to come back, read notes from people with violated deadlines and etc. Because I'm depressed, it feels like everyone hates me, and even if someone doesn't, they definitely will. I feel very fragile and helpless, but it's been burdening me. I really want to heal, accept my fate and live happily. And I really-really want to come back here and fix everything. I already finished some artwork that I could, and I'm planning to dedicate November to taking care of all my debt art.
However, I will have to continue taking commissions and making YCHes, because I need medical help, I am completely broke and have nowhere to borrow from or get support for myself.
I don't feel like I deserve it at all, and I'll be honest, I probably won't be able to do anything in return if you'd want to support me, but if you do, you can do it through my boosty: https://boosty.to/adorableinall
Again, I am so terribly sorry. I really am. I'm just asking you to please be kind to me and wait a little longer for your arts, even though I know, I made some of you wait forever. I promise to do my best and complete everything as fast as I can. đź’”
Thank you for taking time and reading my story! I hope you're doing alright.
Things will get better eventually but it takes time to heal. I'm sure people will understand but they need communication, which is draining.
It's good that you've got something to do outside of home, but you also need to work with the home area and try to fix it so you can actually stay in. Make it YOUR safe space again where you want to go. Change might also good in these situations and for example you could play around and change the order of the furniture. (if you lived together with your ex)
All in all, I'm wishing lots of luck for you, your mom and family.
You are an amazing artist with a very kind heart and we are here to support you.
Stay strong, you got this! The time will heal ~
You are loved, seen, heard and respected.
You are probably right now facing the biggest challenges you will ever in your life, and the way you still somehow pull through is amazing.
Sometimes it looks like when one thing goes wrong everything else just follows and falls apart alongside.
I don't know what to say other than, that you are truly an idmirable person for fighting through this and helping all people within your family despite the immense pressure.
Please try to find some inner peace for yourself even if it's only once a week. A short moment where you decide to be absolutely selfish and care about nothing but yourself. It sounds harsh, but you need it.
I think the majority of people here are more than agreeing that you do not need to apologise for anything. Some might not understand it, but you cannot make everyone happy.
Make sure to also understand that this will also all pass. You will get over this, and you will find some peace again.
Your mother will get better, and you will find someone else you can love just as much.
Sent you a small amount of support. It's not much but it might help a bit. ^^
I have walked a similar path myself, I understand the pain you are in.
You do not need to apologise for how you feel or what you are going through.
Just know that there are people out there who care for you deeply and hope for your recovery.
People who will support you in whatever ways they can manage.
So again...
*offers hugs*
take your time with my art you gotta be exhausted.
That is all so horrible.
-Offers you so many hugs.-
Try to hold on, you are loved and wanted.
You're really strong to have held out under these conditions, and I'm absolutely confident you'll manage to make it through all this, but just make sure you don't neglect yourself throughout the process. I wish the absolute best to you and your family, take care and stay safe. 🤍