Hey all

It’s been a loooong time. Like… an obscenely long time. I randomly check in and reply to notes when I can, and I randomly check in to reply to comments when I can. Both things have been so ridiculously inconsistent to the point of… well… not really happening. That… is going to change.

I’m going through a lot right now [what’s new ;_; sigh], but I think this one’s my “mid” life crisis [I mean, Imma live forever, obvi, so… d;] I just don’t know what I want to be anymore. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore. My life has been consumed with just trying to keep the fam safe, fed, etc. There have been some major ups and downs in that, as life goes. But it’s at the point where it’s just feeling all down. Like there aren’t any ups anymore? Not sure how to really explain that, but just stay with me.

As a result, I’ve reevaluating literally every single aspect of my life. I’ve been doing this for a few months, now. Pretty much began this process when my dad died. It was further put into scope just how miserable and unhappy I am every.single.day when my [very close] uncle died. It has been jarring. Everyone I care about seems to be sick, or dying, or both. That means I’m getting old. And I just… I’m just over it. I’m fat. I’m unhealthy. My mental and emotional health are both nonexistent. And because of those things, I’m like… self sabotaging, which just exacerbates the issues. I’m just done.

I think it’s time for me to figure out wtf I want to be when I grow up. I went through all the things that I do. All the things that I like doing. All the things that I want to do. And I… I came up blank. How can I have lived so much life, and… not know what I enjoy anymore? Not know what I want to do? The only thing that brought even a hint of a smile to my soul was… art. Which—quite frankly—made my heart sink. [Really, I physically “felt” it sink. It was weird af]. I mean. Not because it’s not some big fancy thing. Not because it’s looked at as some sort of… placeholder career. But because… well… let’s face it. To make enough money to survive, to thrive, even, creating art [porn or otherwise], you have to be damn good. And, as the username indicates, that is not me. Especially considering the fact that I haven’t arted in years at this point. This ol’ dog would have a hell of a lot of new tricks to learn in order to really be able to sustain a very basic lifestyle. And I’m at the point in my life where I just have none of the whatever it was I had when I was young that made it imperative I constantly be learning something. Not sure if it’s depression, or apathy, or what but I feel like I’ve lost all of my inspiration, all of my drive, my motivation.

It fucking sucks.

This all to say that come January, I’m gonna be back. I’m going to suck really hard for a while, while I dust myself off, while I find the inspiration that used to hit me so hard all day, every day. I’m gonna be putting out shitart instead of just badart for a while. I’m going to be experimenting with new stuff when and where I can. Most of this will be absolute trash. Maybe I'll finally learn how to draw clothes! But I’m really, really hoping that just forcing myself to do it, some of that spark will come back. And maybe I’ll find my place in the art world enough that I won’t have to do 985904859430 other jobs to support my family.

Pipe dreams. I know. But man… I just don’t know what else to do. All I know is that, if I carry on the way I’m going now, there won’t be another post. And man, I don’t want that. These past years, all these deaths, it’s a truck hitting me at max speed telling me life is too short to be this fucking miserable. So I’ve got to try something else, even if that something else is something I’ve only ever really considered a hobby, even if that something else is something I’ve never been great at.

So… I guess… so long for now. I’ll see you in January. In the mean time, I’m still legit selling almost all of my secondary characters [and some mains[, save for a few major players that I would miss terribly if they were gone. Drop me a note or comment with an offer on ‘em if you fancy. I hope you’re all doing well ♡ I miss all of you, and I genuinely can’t wait [and am simultaneously terrified of] to come back.

For realsies, this time.

♡