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Attempting to..."Recover"
2 years ago
Gold may tarnish and lose its value, but gems are made from pressure
Every day this week has been...waking up to stay in bed and cry because I'm terrified to move, terrified of what I might do as the feeling from the night before comes back. And each night ends with crying again as I run out of things to focus on and have to start drifting towards bed but I am terrified of sleep, and still lost about happened. I haven't been able to go to work, I think they've been using my PTO but I don't have a lot of those left. But I can't function.
I don't understand; I don't understand how someone could be this heartless? How one topic could cause such a reaction? How such a reaction is even warranted after *everything* he told me that made me believe it was okay to speak up when I had hurt feelings to someone that despite the things I said..I had so much trust in because they would still talk. Even when I struggled to. That was why I was learning to open up to them like they asked, after everything I've been through, all the broken trust and promises from others and what he knew I had come off of from my ex which is what inspired our first art and my trust in him.
I feel betrayed by someone I felt protected by..
so what was the difference if I was dead or not I thought. The one thing that mattered, that he knew mattered and still decided to abuse like this, was wrecked upon. By a thoughtless action. So I had my own thoughtless action, though it felt thought out as they all do. I don't have a lot of people to talk to, hardly anyone I can consider a friend, especially a close friend. That's why my art gallery has basically no one else in it. No one's been around to be close besides Dervak whose also my roommate and the reason I was stopped and cleaned up the mess. People..no, furries, just seem so..repulsed by emotions. It's disheartening. We all have that side of us, but everyone's so disconnected by these screens and meaningless porn art pieces that the moment someone tries to build a connection with you like you would with a friend in real life over time, you get the weirdest reactions. It's like trying to offer someone random on the street free food, they all kinda cringe away and look at you like you're offering a child candy from a van. What happened to getting to know someone with kind gestures? By *getting to know them* before deciding based on the hole you found them in?
I'm tangenting..
It's hard for me to trust just the same, though. But I've never not let someone try. And sometimes someone's happened to just..step through unlike the others. I don't know if its timing, or something about them, or sometimes both. But they suddenly find themselves inside my defenses and I have no other choice but to take them in and love them, in a platonic way mind you. My empathy is so unbound I..can't help it. And they can do what they want, like he did..
He made me twist around, act different for him. Sure, sometimes it was for the better, I know even I have my traits that aren't good. And I wanted to be better for him..he meant that much. But he also manipulated me, even if he didn't see it himself. Maybe from his own past it was a trait, I don't know. But was unreasonable, was how much I was expected to listen to him and accept what he said, while he rarely truly heard what I was saying and accepted it. Which lead to this..
This action of his to suddenly not respond. For days.
And still.
For the first couple days I waited thinking he was processing, probably upset..but I trusted he would respond. He *always told me to* and he said *he always would.*
Then the next few I went into denial; maybe something came up again. Something about his family, or his mate. *I can wait*. I can show I can wait, I am better than the past.
But then I saw it all. The updates to his FA, things he's said to others, how often he's been online. And it sank in. And I just started breaking down. And each thing he did to just hurt me further because he knows I saw it while he still *watches my account even now*..I can't see how its anything but destructive, manipulative and heartless. Against everything he's told me that I said in my previous journals, of which he used to monitor me, once caring now manipulative. *Everything, broken.*
Needless to say after this point..I fell apart. I didn't understand how trying to express how I felt about something could warrant someone turning so cold, turning on their word so hard they become someone so different than everything they claim to stand for. The arrogance of what they call themself on FA..
And still. I tried to reach out because..I am pathetic. Because I am a little blue thing and that's all I'll ever be. And it's done nothing but sat unread. Ignored while I know he's around. Each moment of each day hurt as much as the last because I can imagine how the thought runs through a person's mind that they smile knowing they're causing grief as they enjoy themselves cause nothing has changed for them..other than for having used someone for art and lied to them. And abandoned them without a word.
And it hurts every day because I cannot stop it. My mind does not let it end. I wake up to the cycle starting back up and if I can move from bed after stopping the tears, I move through the ether until the sun is gone and I am in that void before sleep again where I cry, afraid of the dark and what I might endure inside of me after enduring the waking nightmare all day. There is just pain awake and asleep now. And the trust I found again just shattered lies. But I can't find the pieces this time.
I am so sorry, my little blue. I think you are really lost this time.
-Rysk
Just a scar somewhere down inside of me
Something I can not repair
Even though it will always be
I pretend it isn't there (this is how I feel)
I'm trapped in yesterday (just a memory)
Where the pain is all I know (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
But I'm tired, I will always be afraid
Of the damage I've received
Broken promises they made
And how blindly I believed (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
I don't understand; I don't understand how someone could be this heartless? How one topic could cause such a reaction? How such a reaction is even warranted after *everything* he told me that made me believe it was okay to speak up when I had hurt feelings to someone that despite the things I said..I had so much trust in because they would still talk. Even when I struggled to. That was why I was learning to open up to them like they asked, after everything I've been through, all the broken trust and promises from others and what he knew I had come off of from my ex which is what inspired our first art and my trust in him.
I feel betrayed by someone I felt protected by..
so what was the difference if I was dead or not I thought. The one thing that mattered, that he knew mattered and still decided to abuse like this, was wrecked upon. By a thoughtless action. So I had my own thoughtless action, though it felt thought out as they all do. I don't have a lot of people to talk to, hardly anyone I can consider a friend, especially a close friend. That's why my art gallery has basically no one else in it. No one's been around to be close besides Dervak whose also my roommate and the reason I was stopped and cleaned up the mess. People..no, furries, just seem so..repulsed by emotions. It's disheartening. We all have that side of us, but everyone's so disconnected by these screens and meaningless porn art pieces that the moment someone tries to build a connection with you like you would with a friend in real life over time, you get the weirdest reactions. It's like trying to offer someone random on the street free food, they all kinda cringe away and look at you like you're offering a child candy from a van. What happened to getting to know someone with kind gestures? By *getting to know them* before deciding based on the hole you found them in?
I'm tangenting..
It's hard for me to trust just the same, though. But I've never not let someone try. And sometimes someone's happened to just..step through unlike the others. I don't know if its timing, or something about them, or sometimes both. But they suddenly find themselves inside my defenses and I have no other choice but to take them in and love them, in a platonic way mind you. My empathy is so unbound I..can't help it. And they can do what they want, like he did..
He made me twist around, act different for him. Sure, sometimes it was for the better, I know even I have my traits that aren't good. And I wanted to be better for him..he meant that much. But he also manipulated me, even if he didn't see it himself. Maybe from his own past it was a trait, I don't know. But was unreasonable, was how much I was expected to listen to him and accept what he said, while he rarely truly heard what I was saying and accepted it. Which lead to this..
This action of his to suddenly not respond. For days.
And still.
For the first couple days I waited thinking he was processing, probably upset..but I trusted he would respond. He *always told me to* and he said *he always would.*
Then the next few I went into denial; maybe something came up again. Something about his family, or his mate. *I can wait*. I can show I can wait, I am better than the past.
But then I saw it all. The updates to his FA, things he's said to others, how often he's been online. And it sank in. And I just started breaking down. And each thing he did to just hurt me further because he knows I saw it while he still *watches my account even now*..I can't see how its anything but destructive, manipulative and heartless. Against everything he's told me that I said in my previous journals, of which he used to monitor me, once caring now manipulative. *Everything, broken.*
Needless to say after this point..I fell apart. I didn't understand how trying to express how I felt about something could warrant someone turning so cold, turning on their word so hard they become someone so different than everything they claim to stand for. The arrogance of what they call themself on FA..
And still. I tried to reach out because..I am pathetic. Because I am a little blue thing and that's all I'll ever be. And it's done nothing but sat unread. Ignored while I know he's around. Each moment of each day hurt as much as the last because I can imagine how the thought runs through a person's mind that they smile knowing they're causing grief as they enjoy themselves cause nothing has changed for them..other than for having used someone for art and lied to them. And abandoned them without a word.
And it hurts every day because I cannot stop it. My mind does not let it end. I wake up to the cycle starting back up and if I can move from bed after stopping the tears, I move through the ether until the sun is gone and I am in that void before sleep again where I cry, afraid of the dark and what I might endure inside of me after enduring the waking nightmare all day. There is just pain awake and asleep now. And the trust I found again just shattered lies. But I can't find the pieces this time.
I am so sorry, my little blue. I think you are really lost this time.
-Rysk
Just a scar somewhere down inside of me
Something I can not repair
Even though it will always be
I pretend it isn't there (this is how I feel)
I'm trapped in yesterday (just a memory)
Where the pain is all I know (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
But I'm tired, I will always be afraid
Of the damage I've received
Broken promises they made
And how blindly I believed (this is all I know)
And I'll never break away (can't break free)
'Cause when I'm alone
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
(I'm lost) I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright
I'm lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
Think we all lost friends or lovers though life, it is a sad fact, that we have to learn to live with that pain.
It helps to remember the good times you have had with them, even if they showed out to be a asshole. The time you held dear should not be allowed to be ruined, it was important to you, even if for no one else. Keep it and look for it some where else.
The web is good for many things, but for deep relationships it is rather lacking. I hear so many speaking of how they cant or wont try to get close to anyone, its just to much work.
There are so many people online that we lose people we might have wished we could have talked too more, because we feel stressed or panic or simply, that life gets in the way.
You life, you get hurt, but you will also find joy. Dont lose to despair you will bounce back stronger then before.
Every day is currently filled anxiety that I'm not focused on something. The moment I lose focus, my heart races and my veins are filled with panic and I can feel my being shake to the core. I want to remember what was good, but it only makes me end up hurting so much more because I don't understand how someone could take that and then do something completely opposite. Truly turn their back and without a word vanish. My heart feels like its pouring blood physically every time Im having a panic attack and makes me break down until I either pass out or can't anymore and just numb out.
I don't know why I'm so emotional, I wish I wasn't. I wish I didn't care so much like everyone else does and could just turn off. But at the end of the day I also think about the impermanence of life and I guess its why I hate letting go. Why I care so much. There is time now but there isn't enough time still. Time lost is time so so lost. And to be lost for a reason I don't understand? That I don't know? Im in agony. Other events I've managed to recover from because I got to know why. But I don't know here. And everything said was betrayed and became a lie by a single action.
Why people are truly afraid to be actual people and connect, I don't know. I've heard plenty of talk from many people about not judging and gonna be there to listen but no one's ever actually kept it up. But I've always stayed around, I've never shunned someone even if we've fought. I've disagreed with someone on fundamental issues to the core and I've still wanted to be there and offered to be there; but they never wanted to be. Being open-hearted is such an alien concept to the human race that loves to impart human qualities onto things that aren't humans, it's incredibly ironic.
And yet, I keep bleeding for the sake of standing here all alone hoping the next person understands. I keep trying to 'bounce back' but I don't think I can again. This person was helping me from someone else just recently..they ripped open all the wounds cause they knew where they were. And they let them bleed out.