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A seat alone on the hill
a month ago
Gold may tarnish and lose its value, but gems are made from pressure
Preface: This went on a bit more than I intended or thought it would. But eh. Gonna start being less sorry for my feelings. I only got one life.
Context: Commented a bit of this elsewhere and wanted to put it here because it's true. I am not an artist nor have any discernible talent. Nor am I popular (that I am aware of, some have acted like my art made me 'known' at the least but I don't see it that way at all. If it was I wouldn't be saying what's below.) in any sense or other.
When your only talent is being and feeling your emotional spectrum to impossible degrees and valuing connections to the point people think you're pining for something from them, retaining any friendship is hard. Especially when you just sit there waiting to be seen and they act the way you want to be with them with others instead. So I just..daydream of being appreciated for my presence and caring. Daydream of having art or games together. And just..hope some day someone realizes who I really am and how cool it would be to really know me. Just because someone can do something I can't, doesn't mean I wouldn't give back to them in my own way.
I try to see the value in myself, but it's often hard to when you have a multitude of contacts, associates, familiar people in your orbit; but they don't bother with you. Everyone sticks to their groups, the popular, the talented. The usual suspects when it comes to the fandom. I use to have a number of people I considered friends but as I've gotten older (and lets be frank with how the fandom is horny, less twinkish and available), I've noticed they don't bother to come around anymore. I don't, or rather can't, rely on them to be available to hang out or talk to me as I see them do with others. I've had people gap plans with me, even once an entire group bail on my birthday (that was a core day for this train of thought, this "realization" to be honest). And yeah I can see the train of thought you might be having here, 'oh he's just being depressed, he needs to grow up/move on/change his attitude." But legitimately, I have done that, for years. I have worked to move on past aches and slights. I hold in the wakes in the ocean that come up frequently around this stuff, trying to maintain an image and show I am more than just what you think you see.
But it gets lonely no matter what, on this hilltop. Hoping to share a sunrise with people to appreciate, only to finish the sunset alone, each season wearing away the stone face I worked to carve and wear. No one wants to see what's underneath, what honest struggle looks like. They don't understand it, and I understand that. I do. But I cannot be perfect. I cannot always be smiling. And I cannot prove how much struggle I've gone through without literally reaching that "Oh, if only we knew before he did it" point. And that's not a point I care to let breach the waves. My fight that no one cares to see is the one that's result is I am still here, every day. Cheering myself up and finding joy and appreciation in what little I can; my games, videos, little hobbies like 3D printing, giving computer advice to anyone who wants it. Each little flower to smell and give me a reminder of why I can keep going after each ghosting and heartbreak that is set upon my back, upon my hearts. I have things to live for.
And because of that, I will keep my seat on this hill, waiting for each new sunrise to take in and feel warm again.
And I will always have a spot next to me for anyone else who cares to watch and listen with me. Even if they've left once before.
Always.
Context: Commented a bit of this elsewhere and wanted to put it here because it's true. I am not an artist nor have any discernible talent. Nor am I popular (that I am aware of, some have acted like my art made me 'known' at the least but I don't see it that way at all. If it was I wouldn't be saying what's below.) in any sense or other.
When your only talent is being and feeling your emotional spectrum to impossible degrees and valuing connections to the point people think you're pining for something from them, retaining any friendship is hard. Especially when you just sit there waiting to be seen and they act the way you want to be with them with others instead. So I just..daydream of being appreciated for my presence and caring. Daydream of having art or games together. And just..hope some day someone realizes who I really am and how cool it would be to really know me. Just because someone can do something I can't, doesn't mean I wouldn't give back to them in my own way.
I try to see the value in myself, but it's often hard to when you have a multitude of contacts, associates, familiar people in your orbit; but they don't bother with you. Everyone sticks to their groups, the popular, the talented. The usual suspects when it comes to the fandom. I use to have a number of people I considered friends but as I've gotten older (and lets be frank with how the fandom is horny, less twinkish and available), I've noticed they don't bother to come around anymore. I don't, or rather can't, rely on them to be available to hang out or talk to me as I see them do with others. I've had people gap plans with me, even once an entire group bail on my birthday (that was a core day for this train of thought, this "realization" to be honest). And yeah I can see the train of thought you might be having here, 'oh he's just being depressed, he needs to grow up/move on/change his attitude." But legitimately, I have done that, for years. I have worked to move on past aches and slights. I hold in the wakes in the ocean that come up frequently around this stuff, trying to maintain an image and show I am more than just what you think you see.
But it gets lonely no matter what, on this hilltop. Hoping to share a sunrise with people to appreciate, only to finish the sunset alone, each season wearing away the stone face I worked to carve and wear. No one wants to see what's underneath, what honest struggle looks like. They don't understand it, and I understand that. I do. But I cannot be perfect. I cannot always be smiling. And I cannot prove how much struggle I've gone through without literally reaching that "Oh, if only we knew before he did it" point. And that's not a point I care to let breach the waves. My fight that no one cares to see is the one that's result is I am still here, every day. Cheering myself up and finding joy and appreciation in what little I can; my games, videos, little hobbies like 3D printing, giving computer advice to anyone who wants it. Each little flower to smell and give me a reminder of why I can keep going after each ghosting and heartbreak that is set upon my back, upon my hearts. I have things to live for.
And because of that, I will keep my seat on this hill, waiting for each new sunrise to take in and feel warm again.
And I will always have a spot next to me for anyone else who cares to watch and listen with me. Even if they've left once before.
Always.
