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Eat Your Vegetables
2 years ago
This is going to be a deep, personal and emotional ride. It’s my story, and I feel I’m ready to share it with you. I want to tell you how I felt when I was growing up, bullied, and feeling alone. This all makes me who I am now and I want you to know no matter what darkness you’re facing, it’ll be okay.
I found myself at 10 or 11 years old, standing on the side of a bridge looking down at the highway, the thoughts that brought me there weren’t well thought out as I was only a child. I was overwhelmed by emotions yet I remember I wasn’t crying. There wasn’t anything left to feel while I was looking down on the grass below between the lanes. I of course didn’t jump, I didn’t want to endanger anyone else and I feared if I didn’t die, I would be crippled for life. I wanted to die at just 10 years old, I was bullied by others, I didn’t want to go to school, I’d lock myself in the bathroom crying many days, I recall being at my limit for missed days for many years. I sat in the car crying not wanting to go to school, the principal had to come out, my mom had my dad on the phone telling me to go to school. I remember in only fifth grade I went to the bathroom crying and I was in there a long while. I spent a lot of my recesses alone by the fence, playing with whatever I could find, watching bugs or reading a book. I got bored being all alone, I sometimes followed the other kids around not knowing how to interact with them, which just led them to call me a stalker, a freak and many other harsh names. In the end though I didn’t end my life there and I’m still here today. That was a big milestone at a very young age. I didn’t cut myself, though, looking back I did do some harmful things to myself, being a kid it of course I wasn’t turning to alcohol or drugs. When I was around that age I remember hitting my head on the wall, specifically just to feel some other emotion other than self hate or sadness. I bit myself, I scratched at my walls; I had a difficult time. I want what I did to be clear so others who may have a child can watch for similar actions. I’m not an expert, I strongly urge anyone struggling to seek a professional as the worst part of all is that, nobody knew. No one knew what I was going through internally.
All I really had were online friends until I reached highschool. Looking back, I realized I opened new wounds to fill with other peoples' stresses on top of my own. It wasn’t all bad though, I had a group of six or seven friends and we’d celebrate our birthdays together in the art classroom, this is where we would eat lunch often. I think that's one of the things I miss the most about school, is having friends in person to be with, talk to and hug if you need it. I ended up going to prom nearing the end of highschool, still with long hair and not exactly knowing who I was. I didn’t end up going to my graduation because I didn’t want to wear a dress, even for prom I recall I didn’t want to, I mentioned wanting to wear a suit but that was ignored. And since then, I rarely talk to a couple of my old friends. At this point, I was doing my own thing, focusing on art, and mostly hanging out with people online. Back to solely having online friends again, and being between eighteen to twenty years old at this point I was going back to my old ways, same as the beginning of highschool, where I would dedicate my life to being there for others. This often causes people to have materialistic feelings, I found myself often torn between friends a lot more often then than I do now. Being there for others is a gift and a curse. At one point I found myself looking at a friend through a video call, holding a gun in their mouth ready to end their life. I ended up being able to talk them out of doing that. I’m not sure how, but this person is doing well today. Sadly it wasn’t the first time I had that experience with suicidal people, even within my family there were times of these types of emotions coming out. Thankfully everything is going very well for those today. I kept helping people though, seeming to be an endless stream of people in need or struggling, I found them. Though my heart was in the right place,I was ignoring the fact that I was destroying myself at the same time. Without self worth and self love, I continued to struggle with myself, I had to learn to be more of a person and less of a machine. I struggle with waves of depression, dysphoria and ptsd as remnants of those experiences with people I cared so much about. This all brings me to this current time. I’ve learned to embrace changes, letting people go without the comfort of knowing if they’ll be okay. More often than not, they will be fine. You have to put trust in yourself to know you’ll be okay too. After all that is said, I’m going to explain a little bit on how I deal with pain whilst I help others but also remembering to take care of my own health.
It was a struggle through many nights of crying, anxiety and racing thoughts, wondering what they would do, what I would do. Filing through friends as I remember who left my life and those I had to leave behind. My consciousness told me times something had to change. I had no clue how to get unstuck, out of the routine of finding a new person to assist at the sacrifice of myself. That is just what it was too, I was losing myself. My self worth, my well-being, I was losing sight of my goals, which over those years did change a lot. At one point I wanted to be a pilot, and at another it crossed my mind to be a tattoo artist. In the end the furry fandom had won me over, I was making good money selling commissions, trying to avoid selling nsfw content to be honest. I do limit what content I put out of course, I don’t want my character, who is a reflection of myself to become the next thing people like to drool at. It’s not my thing, and I salute the artists who do that. If that's what their goal is then I applaud them. The artists help make this fandom who we are as a community and as a second home for many. I’ve been in this fandom for eleven plus years at this point and I have some other goals in mind. I still want to help people but not in the same harmful ways I used to. I want to help more people, a far more broad amount and not just in the fandom but anyone, anywhere. Loving yourself goes a long way, I’ve learned over my experiences that you can only help people who are willing. You must show yourself you can be proud of who you are, because if you aren’t, you won’t be able to help the people that need it.
To be able to properly help others without hurting yourself, you have to be able to pull them up, not push them up. If you push them up you may find yourself getting left behind and that had happened a lot unfortunately. I have come back stronger and more self-aware than ever before in my life. You have to be stable enough to show a path for others to follow, showing them what happiness looks like and proving that they are not alone in how they may feel and never will be. You are who you’ve been looking for, and if you find yourself feeling hollow inside, you need to show yourself self-love. The world keeps telling you, you are not enough, through media, through marketing, we have grown up thinking we’ve got to wear this, or buy that to be loved by others. That has been proven wrong, I’m just a person, you can’t see me or even hear me but I hope you can feel my emotions through what I’m writing, that's where true love is, it's not in living the high life, it's right inside you where it’s always been. Treat yourself like someone you loved. Do yourself a favor and look into a mirror and see clearly, that the person looking back at you is the only one who can make you happy, that you truly are enough. If you can see that in life you can be a lover and not a fighter and don’t let yourself forget that you are worth it. Lead yourself away from the flaws that you see in your reflection and say to yourself, I am what I’ve been looking for. I believe in myself, I know my self-worth, I am here and I have a purpose. Everyday I am a work in progress. I can forgive my family, past relationships, I can forgive myself. I accept what has happened to me, not accepting that it was okay but that it simply did. You give up the hope that the past could be any different. This will give you a path to escape the past and not let it hold you captive. Write down on paper what excites you, what lights up your eyes and drives joy into you. Find what terrifies you, find what makes you want to back up and hide. These make up who you are, you must accept your emotions, your moods and feelings. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. You are in charge of your thoughts and emotions. You can either drown in your ocean of negativity or build a boat to sail across to your next destination. The destination that describes who you will be. Whether you believe you will fail or believe you will succeed you are right. Over time, one of my biggest achievements in myself was accepting that the emotions I have aren’t personal, everyone has these emotions, 8 billion movies playing at the same time. Give yourself some time to unravel the fact that people can’t see your pain and you can’t see theirs. Be compassionate, be your best self, and never imprison yourself in thinking it's all about you. Understanding that, will make all the difference. Be consistent in your actions to make more positive choices.
Spread love, accept a helping hand, believe in yourself. Thank you for reading. - Written by A simple stranger, a friend and complex person like you. - Oliver <3
I found myself at 10 or 11 years old, standing on the side of a bridge looking down at the highway, the thoughts that brought me there weren’t well thought out as I was only a child. I was overwhelmed by emotions yet I remember I wasn’t crying. There wasn’t anything left to feel while I was looking down on the grass below between the lanes. I of course didn’t jump, I didn’t want to endanger anyone else and I feared if I didn’t die, I would be crippled for life. I wanted to die at just 10 years old, I was bullied by others, I didn’t want to go to school, I’d lock myself in the bathroom crying many days, I recall being at my limit for missed days for many years. I sat in the car crying not wanting to go to school, the principal had to come out, my mom had my dad on the phone telling me to go to school. I remember in only fifth grade I went to the bathroom crying and I was in there a long while. I spent a lot of my recesses alone by the fence, playing with whatever I could find, watching bugs or reading a book. I got bored being all alone, I sometimes followed the other kids around not knowing how to interact with them, which just led them to call me a stalker, a freak and many other harsh names. In the end though I didn’t end my life there and I’m still here today. That was a big milestone at a very young age. I didn’t cut myself, though, looking back I did do some harmful things to myself, being a kid it of course I wasn’t turning to alcohol or drugs. When I was around that age I remember hitting my head on the wall, specifically just to feel some other emotion other than self hate or sadness. I bit myself, I scratched at my walls; I had a difficult time. I want what I did to be clear so others who may have a child can watch for similar actions. I’m not an expert, I strongly urge anyone struggling to seek a professional as the worst part of all is that, nobody knew. No one knew what I was going through internally.
All I really had were online friends until I reached highschool. Looking back, I realized I opened new wounds to fill with other peoples' stresses on top of my own. It wasn’t all bad though, I had a group of six or seven friends and we’d celebrate our birthdays together in the art classroom, this is where we would eat lunch often. I think that's one of the things I miss the most about school, is having friends in person to be with, talk to and hug if you need it. I ended up going to prom nearing the end of highschool, still with long hair and not exactly knowing who I was. I didn’t end up going to my graduation because I didn’t want to wear a dress, even for prom I recall I didn’t want to, I mentioned wanting to wear a suit but that was ignored. And since then, I rarely talk to a couple of my old friends. At this point, I was doing my own thing, focusing on art, and mostly hanging out with people online. Back to solely having online friends again, and being between eighteen to twenty years old at this point I was going back to my old ways, same as the beginning of highschool, where I would dedicate my life to being there for others. This often causes people to have materialistic feelings, I found myself often torn between friends a lot more often then than I do now. Being there for others is a gift and a curse. At one point I found myself looking at a friend through a video call, holding a gun in their mouth ready to end their life. I ended up being able to talk them out of doing that. I’m not sure how, but this person is doing well today. Sadly it wasn’t the first time I had that experience with suicidal people, even within my family there were times of these types of emotions coming out. Thankfully everything is going very well for those today. I kept helping people though, seeming to be an endless stream of people in need or struggling, I found them. Though my heart was in the right place,I was ignoring the fact that I was destroying myself at the same time. Without self worth and self love, I continued to struggle with myself, I had to learn to be more of a person and less of a machine. I struggle with waves of depression, dysphoria and ptsd as remnants of those experiences with people I cared so much about. This all brings me to this current time. I’ve learned to embrace changes, letting people go without the comfort of knowing if they’ll be okay. More often than not, they will be fine. You have to put trust in yourself to know you’ll be okay too. After all that is said, I’m going to explain a little bit on how I deal with pain whilst I help others but also remembering to take care of my own health.
It was a struggle through many nights of crying, anxiety and racing thoughts, wondering what they would do, what I would do. Filing through friends as I remember who left my life and those I had to leave behind. My consciousness told me times something had to change. I had no clue how to get unstuck, out of the routine of finding a new person to assist at the sacrifice of myself. That is just what it was too, I was losing myself. My self worth, my well-being, I was losing sight of my goals, which over those years did change a lot. At one point I wanted to be a pilot, and at another it crossed my mind to be a tattoo artist. In the end the furry fandom had won me over, I was making good money selling commissions, trying to avoid selling nsfw content to be honest. I do limit what content I put out of course, I don’t want my character, who is a reflection of myself to become the next thing people like to drool at. It’s not my thing, and I salute the artists who do that. If that's what their goal is then I applaud them. The artists help make this fandom who we are as a community and as a second home for many. I’ve been in this fandom for eleven plus years at this point and I have some other goals in mind. I still want to help people but not in the same harmful ways I used to. I want to help more people, a far more broad amount and not just in the fandom but anyone, anywhere. Loving yourself goes a long way, I’ve learned over my experiences that you can only help people who are willing. You must show yourself you can be proud of who you are, because if you aren’t, you won’t be able to help the people that need it.
To be able to properly help others without hurting yourself, you have to be able to pull them up, not push them up. If you push them up you may find yourself getting left behind and that had happened a lot unfortunately. I have come back stronger and more self-aware than ever before in my life. You have to be stable enough to show a path for others to follow, showing them what happiness looks like and proving that they are not alone in how they may feel and never will be. You are who you’ve been looking for, and if you find yourself feeling hollow inside, you need to show yourself self-love. The world keeps telling you, you are not enough, through media, through marketing, we have grown up thinking we’ve got to wear this, or buy that to be loved by others. That has been proven wrong, I’m just a person, you can’t see me or even hear me but I hope you can feel my emotions through what I’m writing, that's where true love is, it's not in living the high life, it's right inside you where it’s always been. Treat yourself like someone you loved. Do yourself a favor and look into a mirror and see clearly, that the person looking back at you is the only one who can make you happy, that you truly are enough. If you can see that in life you can be a lover and not a fighter and don’t let yourself forget that you are worth it. Lead yourself away from the flaws that you see in your reflection and say to yourself, I am what I’ve been looking for. I believe in myself, I know my self-worth, I am here and I have a purpose. Everyday I am a work in progress. I can forgive my family, past relationships, I can forgive myself. I accept what has happened to me, not accepting that it was okay but that it simply did. You give up the hope that the past could be any different. This will give you a path to escape the past and not let it hold you captive. Write down on paper what excites you, what lights up your eyes and drives joy into you. Find what terrifies you, find what makes you want to back up and hide. These make up who you are, you must accept your emotions, your moods and feelings. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. You are in charge of your thoughts and emotions. You can either drown in your ocean of negativity or build a boat to sail across to your next destination. The destination that describes who you will be. Whether you believe you will fail or believe you will succeed you are right. Over time, one of my biggest achievements in myself was accepting that the emotions I have aren’t personal, everyone has these emotions, 8 billion movies playing at the same time. Give yourself some time to unravel the fact that people can’t see your pain and you can’t see theirs. Be compassionate, be your best self, and never imprison yourself in thinking it's all about you. Understanding that, will make all the difference. Be consistent in your actions to make more positive choices.
Spread love, accept a helping hand, believe in yourself. Thank you for reading. - Written by A simple stranger, a friend and complex person like you. - Oliver <3
