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2 years ago
This is kind of a weirder post. If you don't wanna read a porn artists musings on their own mental health, understandable, have a nice day <3
TL;DR Your worth isn't dependent on what you can prove to others, and you should trust yourself more
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I think a lot of people can relate to being told they're ALMOST acceptable, and if they only do a little bit more, then they'll finally earn someone's love and can finally stop. It's always a lie; you'll be told not to quit when you're THIIIIIS close to a carrot that has never gotten any closer. Break the stick.
Without getting too much into it, I was expected to be a super genius, just because i did math slightly better than other 8-year-olds. Perfection was expected, and anything less meant I must have been lazy, because in my parent's minds an honest failure wasn't even possible for me. I was taught that driving myself past my limits and regularly breaking down was virtuous and good. I went to college at 17. It ended very very poorly after finishing 7 out of 8 semesters. The drive to produce only taught me that I'm worthless if I'm not doing SOMETHING that someone else tells me is impressive. For how overly critical i was raised to be, I still can't believe I didn't start questioning this until my 20s.
At least currently, I'm only struggling with internalized issues and not taking in any new ones. I still pin my self-worth on my output, which only ever lowers my output. That same critical part of me sees all the differences in my art and artists that are better than me and makes it hard to focus on anything but improvement at any cost, even if the cost is sleep or food.
I'm not even always sure if it's getting better; I think the main thing I've improved on is actually putting it all into words. I try not to talk about it so much because I don't want to be annoying to people, though I don't always succeed in that lol.
Even though i think the point at the end of all this is obvious and that I'm just wasting people's time by saying it... idk, it wasn't obvious to me. So maybe it can still help someone:
Your worth isn't dependent on what you can prove to others, nor what you can give them when they ask. There's a reason they're looking to YOU expecting to be impressed, and annoyed when they're not.
I'm planning on smattering around my random musings a little more often, if i can nail down a way of doing it that isn't annoying. They wont all be as gloomy as this one either, I just thought a bit of my past was necessary context for why I'm even saying any of this when it might be really obvious to most people.
TL;DR Your worth isn't dependent on what you can prove to others, and you should trust yourself more
-
I think a lot of people can relate to being told they're ALMOST acceptable, and if they only do a little bit more, then they'll finally earn someone's love and can finally stop. It's always a lie; you'll be told not to quit when you're THIIIIIS close to a carrot that has never gotten any closer. Break the stick.
Without getting too much into it, I was expected to be a super genius, just because i did math slightly better than other 8-year-olds. Perfection was expected, and anything less meant I must have been lazy, because in my parent's minds an honest failure wasn't even possible for me. I was taught that driving myself past my limits and regularly breaking down was virtuous and good. I went to college at 17. It ended very very poorly after finishing 7 out of 8 semesters. The drive to produce only taught me that I'm worthless if I'm not doing SOMETHING that someone else tells me is impressive. For how overly critical i was raised to be, I still can't believe I didn't start questioning this until my 20s.
At least currently, I'm only struggling with internalized issues and not taking in any new ones. I still pin my self-worth on my output, which only ever lowers my output. That same critical part of me sees all the differences in my art and artists that are better than me and makes it hard to focus on anything but improvement at any cost, even if the cost is sleep or food.
I'm not even always sure if it's getting better; I think the main thing I've improved on is actually putting it all into words. I try not to talk about it so much because I don't want to be annoying to people, though I don't always succeed in that lol.
Even though i think the point at the end of all this is obvious and that I'm just wasting people's time by saying it... idk, it wasn't obvious to me. So maybe it can still help someone:
Your worth isn't dependent on what you can prove to others, nor what you can give them when they ask. There's a reason they're looking to YOU expecting to be impressed, and annoyed when they're not.
I'm planning on smattering around my random musings a little more often, if i can nail down a way of doing it that isn't annoying. They wont all be as gloomy as this one either, I just thought a bit of my past was necessary context for why I'm even saying any of this when it might be really obvious to most people.
Owun
~owun
OP
<3
