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poorly organized thoughts
a year ago
Been a while since i wrote one of these! Writing them out seems to help me get the ideas out of my head and move on, so no worries if my dumb ramblings about motivation and fear and stuff bore you <3
I've finished the main queue of those YCHs: theres just a few late additions and edits to make now. By my count there was 23 of them! And they all came in on the same day; i think a single discord server a friend shared the post in saw them and it went off from there. I'll probably stop accepting new stuff for a bit while i commit myself to some of the projects i've had sitting for close to a month.
That should make me really happy, but it doesn't. And I think something's a bit off about me. I don't think I ever feel satisfied with anything i do, and I'm not entirely sure why. I usually just feel anxious that i couldn't do better, or i feel nothing at all. I think more attention just translates to more chances to fail in my mind.
Even though i can see im improving month to month. Like, I would be exactly where i want to be with contributing to monthly expenses if some insurance changes didn't make me have to pay for therapy mostly out of pocket (I'm fine and stable, that's not me obliquely asking for handouts, i dont need em). That's not the only thing that's been slowly improving either; I think my overall focus and work-life balance is slightly better too.
I still can't make myself draw for 8 hours on most days, which makes me feel kinda sucky, but im getting closer, and I think i've been panicking during my downtime less and less. I just cant help but feel constantly worried about quality whenever im drawing for someone else. And I still feel the need to preemptively apologize about the time it takes me to finish something even though no one has ever told me i take too long lol. But again, getting slowly better about it.
It's really hard to put into words, but i just get this feeling that if i dont go faster than whatever im doing at the time, I'll disappoint everyone in my life and everything will kind of just crumble around me. I feel like a 25 year old artist should be better than i am with keeping my output consistent. I can sit down and control my breathing and tell myself I'm acting silly when i think that if i dont keep drawing i'll never be able to start again, but sometimes it just doesn't really work.
Also this is... really hard to type? Stuff like this usually is; I've distracted myself at least ten times typing this because thinking these thoughts is a little distressing. And I'm pretty sure it's just going to come across as annoying. Proofreading this again, i don't know if there was really a central point to it. I think i just needed to type how i've been doing.
So uh thanks for reading? I don't think i had a way to end this haha. Sorry if it sounds really negative from the outside; im actually feeling a little more at peace with myself than i have in the past.
I've finished the main queue of those YCHs: theres just a few late additions and edits to make now. By my count there was 23 of them! And they all came in on the same day; i think a single discord server a friend shared the post in saw them and it went off from there. I'll probably stop accepting new stuff for a bit while i commit myself to some of the projects i've had sitting for close to a month.
That should make me really happy, but it doesn't. And I think something's a bit off about me. I don't think I ever feel satisfied with anything i do, and I'm not entirely sure why. I usually just feel anxious that i couldn't do better, or i feel nothing at all. I think more attention just translates to more chances to fail in my mind.
Even though i can see im improving month to month. Like, I would be exactly where i want to be with contributing to monthly expenses if some insurance changes didn't make me have to pay for therapy mostly out of pocket (I'm fine and stable, that's not me obliquely asking for handouts, i dont need em). That's not the only thing that's been slowly improving either; I think my overall focus and work-life balance is slightly better too.
I still can't make myself draw for 8 hours on most days, which makes me feel kinda sucky, but im getting closer, and I think i've been panicking during my downtime less and less. I just cant help but feel constantly worried about quality whenever im drawing for someone else. And I still feel the need to preemptively apologize about the time it takes me to finish something even though no one has ever told me i take too long lol. But again, getting slowly better about it.
It's really hard to put into words, but i just get this feeling that if i dont go faster than whatever im doing at the time, I'll disappoint everyone in my life and everything will kind of just crumble around me. I feel like a 25 year old artist should be better than i am with keeping my output consistent. I can sit down and control my breathing and tell myself I'm acting silly when i think that if i dont keep drawing i'll never be able to start again, but sometimes it just doesn't really work.
Also this is... really hard to type? Stuff like this usually is; I've distracted myself at least ten times typing this because thinking these thoughts is a little distressing. And I'm pretty sure it's just going to come across as annoying. Proofreading this again, i don't know if there was really a central point to it. I think i just needed to type how i've been doing.
So uh thanks for reading? I don't think i had a way to end this haha. Sorry if it sounds really negative from the outside; im actually feeling a little more at peace with myself than i have in the past.
Even the most productive person doesn't work 8 hours a day, and studies have shown that on average, an office worker is productively working around 2h and 53 minutes.
So in the end, you may have to ask yourself if the expectation you're setting in yourself could be a bit higher than it should be. Especially creative work is often very draining and requires high levels of concentration. It's okay to not bring that kind of performance for 40 hours a week. :)