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Ever felt like you're..
2 years ago
slipping away, just extending your hand to a void in hope someone would grab hold by some miracle?
Ever since losing my dad it feels like part of me genuinly died , i just feel so disconnected from my close family and even myself.. Having had to spend the night post hernia surgery in the same hospital as where he died just a couple months earlier kind of broke me .. staring at the ceiling all night, wondering if that was the last thing he saw.. and if he felt as alone as I was feeling at that moment.. Am currently back home recovering but the routine of bedtime recovery and painkillers paired with a restless, neurotic mind isn't doing me any favors.. I can't tell wether it's the holiday season maybe but my antidepressants don't seem to be as effective somehow, and my shrink is ghosting me because I missed our last appointment so uh, yeah.. fun. I know things will start to get better again physically as I recover and am committed to making some positive changes for my health once I do , and who knows- maybe just getting through these holidays will be enough to balance out my antidepressants again..
The hanging in there part is just kind of killing me atm, can't help but wonder what it'd be like to have a partner in rough times like this.. but maybe that's just typical holiday loneliness idk;
Secondly, considered making this a seperate journal but I hate taking up more place than needed so..uh, here we are.. but inhereting a house along with my brother has sort of been a financial wake up call to say the least - like, we're not in trouble but for never having have had to worry about outstanding loans personally to suddenly going to mortage/loan for the first coming decade because we need to prioritise renovating our roof was a bit jarring at first ... Probably won't be able to spend much on luxuries like commissions for a good while that's for sure x.x ..However I do plan on trying to pick up drawing again, it won't be anything impressive whatsoever though but idk ... maybe with enough practise I could offer some ok-looking sketches for a buck or two, which could go to my own little personal commission fund or whatever who knows~ am considering that a best case scenario though but hey, a guy can dream right? c:
Ever since losing my dad it feels like part of me genuinly died , i just feel so disconnected from my close family and even myself.. Having had to spend the night post hernia surgery in the same hospital as where he died just a couple months earlier kind of broke me .. staring at the ceiling all night, wondering if that was the last thing he saw.. and if he felt as alone as I was feeling at that moment.. Am currently back home recovering but the routine of bedtime recovery and painkillers paired with a restless, neurotic mind isn't doing me any favors.. I can't tell wether it's the holiday season maybe but my antidepressants don't seem to be as effective somehow, and my shrink is ghosting me because I missed our last appointment so uh, yeah.. fun. I know things will start to get better again physically as I recover and am committed to making some positive changes for my health once I do , and who knows- maybe just getting through these holidays will be enough to balance out my antidepressants again..
The hanging in there part is just kind of killing me atm, can't help but wonder what it'd be like to have a partner in rough times like this.. but maybe that's just typical holiday loneliness idk;
Secondly, considered making this a seperate journal but I hate taking up more place than needed so..uh, here we are.. but inhereting a house along with my brother has sort of been a financial wake up call to say the least - like, we're not in trouble but for never having have had to worry about outstanding loans personally to suddenly going to mortage/loan for the first coming decade because we need to prioritise renovating our roof was a bit jarring at first ... Probably won't be able to spend much on luxuries like commissions for a good while that's for sure x.x ..However I do plan on trying to pick up drawing again, it won't be anything impressive whatsoever though but idk ... maybe with enough practise I could offer some ok-looking sketches for a buck or two, which could go to my own little personal commission fund or whatever who knows~ am considering that a best case scenario though but hey, a guy can dream right? c:
