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Last years NY resolution recap and slight vent
2 years ago
Welp
I shouldn't have made my last one, and really shouldn't make my next journal for one but I want to at least recap and maybe repeat some things this year in my next journal for my NY resolutions.
If you don't want to read about my father/small family recap just skip to the ANYWAY part as between has mention of suicide
Said last year that things with family were concerning however literally no one saw my father deciding to take THE worst and longest/painful ways of committing suicide as it hurt everyone involved. I was more referencing other, older/supposed to be sicker family members and they all made it into this year and hopefully through next year. Wasn't meant to be for him and it'll now be 2 months off from his passing a year ago.
For reference about the suicide comment and to catch anyone up: Shortly after my posting my New Years resolution for 2023 my fathers health went from bad (he was having covidish/flu issues since late October) to worse where over the 2 months that followed ended up having to get something in his calf muscle removed leaving a 5ish inch hole in his leg that needed constant care. He also had to have a line put in for his heart before and about half way through the leg healing (I think). He couldn't really move, was stuck in a recliner for 2 months with his movement being reliant on me and his witch of a "gf" at the time who thankfully had some idea of how to nurse ish his wound when an actual nurse couldn't be around to clean/dress the wound. Cutting most of the gross, painful, and family/"gf" drama parts out of this, he eventually went to the hospital and eventually passed after dealing with multiple sepsis episodes, liver failure, and I believe heart complications.
So after being sick the 5ish to 6 months of being ill and being mostly immobile he passed. Not to long after and with the cleanup of the house we come to find that my father hid the fact he was diagnosed with a form of a bone marrow issue that he told no one about. Once you looked at the symptoms and causes of what he was diagnosed with it was clear that it was what started all this and he chose to 1. not tell anyone and 2. not get tested to see what treatment he'd need to fix it as it was treatable. Hence why I've come to terms of his death being a suicide by natural causes even though he did try to do it faster with his gun while dealing with the last 2 months of being sick.
ANYWAY
Sorry for that whole ramble but I'll get to the recap listing/new list now.
As far as resolutions go how'd I do from last year? Welllll
1. Getting an actual job - Hasn't worked out yet :/ Between my father and the issues of health and now my mother to deal with I haven't had the ability to get a physical job. I've been applying to remote/virtual jobs but with no luck :c
2. Get a new PC - I have managed to do this :D buuuuut it was at the cost of half the up front coverage of my father's 401k when it got split between my sister and I. There wasn't much and there was no life insurance so I used half for bills and the other half for my PC since my one at the time was dying. I just thought I'd have a job by now to not have money issues x.x
3. MOVE - This was something I was forced to do. I disliked living with my father and sister but she eventually was hardly home especially when my father was sick so it was really down to just my issues between my father and I even though I was there to basically help him and the house. The idea was once the "gf" moved in I could eventually get a job and move out to have my own freedom but obviously that didn't happen. Now I live with my mother and step father which I'll get into later.
4. Learn to drive - Yeah that hasn't happened yet lol
5. Edit and post my story - Also hasn't happened yet XP
6. Have some "fun" - Technically hasn't happened yet either at least in person >~>
7. Be more social online and stream more - Since moving I haven't really been able to stream as much even with the new PC. I just don't have the privacy, schedule of my mother and step father down to make a stream schedule around, or the energy I used to have because of everything going on/that happened. I'd say I'm being more social online as I'm trying to talk to new people and make new friends but at the same time I lost/had to leave a group that revolved around a now ex friend because of their choice in who to love and their age. So while I was having a lot of fun and trying to be more social, I ended up nuking all of that progress and happiness I had because I couldn't condone their actions/choices. It sent me into a dark place and tbh it STILL hurts because at one time I had feelings for that friend and I'm still semi in the dark place, just slowly working my way out. I just also suck at keeping in touch with people and holding conversations so when I meet new people it's hard to make small talk without also playing games or something x.x
8. Get more art especially for stream - This technically was done though really just by 1 piece as I figured I'd have a job to buy more art, emotes, stickers, and such for myself and stream. Only reason I got the 1 art piece this year was because of me trying to pull myself out of the dark as mentioned above and made a new friend who did an art piece for my bday. Still really appreciate it too <3
9. Get to 1,000 followers and do a charity stream - Honestly think this one wouldn't have happened either way but at the time I had a decent thing going for me and had people that could've helped me get more reach to maybe get there. Now I feel like I'm back to square one with the only difference being able to have subscribers and having the few regulars check in here and there every few streams when I do one.
and finally, 10. Lost some/manage my weight - Tbh I don't know if I've really lost any weight but not sure the weight I've gained will stay since it was/is mostly stress weight. Once I start doing some things about my health I'll start to lose it and hopefully what I wanted to lose last year.
Overall this year was literally one of my worst. Lost my father, lost a home, lost a friend and more friends because of that, had my own health decline, and can't even stream like I used to while struggling to find a job I can do. So I'm really hoping 2024 does better for me and following this journal will be my resolution for it since I'm making this just a recap and venting journal.
Thank you for reading this one and hope you'll read my 2024 resolutions :3
I shouldn't have made my last one, and really shouldn't make my next journal for one but I want to at least recap and maybe repeat some things this year in my next journal for my NY resolutions.
If you don't want to read about my father/small family recap just skip to the ANYWAY part as between has mention of suicide
Said last year that things with family were concerning however literally no one saw my father deciding to take THE worst and longest/painful ways of committing suicide as it hurt everyone involved. I was more referencing other, older/supposed to be sicker family members and they all made it into this year and hopefully through next year. Wasn't meant to be for him and it'll now be 2 months off from his passing a year ago.
For reference about the suicide comment and to catch anyone up: Shortly after my posting my New Years resolution for 2023 my fathers health went from bad (he was having covidish/flu issues since late October) to worse where over the 2 months that followed ended up having to get something in his calf muscle removed leaving a 5ish inch hole in his leg that needed constant care. He also had to have a line put in for his heart before and about half way through the leg healing (I think). He couldn't really move, was stuck in a recliner for 2 months with his movement being reliant on me and his witch of a "gf" at the time who thankfully had some idea of how to nurse ish his wound when an actual nurse couldn't be around to clean/dress the wound. Cutting most of the gross, painful, and family/"gf" drama parts out of this, he eventually went to the hospital and eventually passed after dealing with multiple sepsis episodes, liver failure, and I believe heart complications.
So after being sick the 5ish to 6 months of being ill and being mostly immobile he passed. Not to long after and with the cleanup of the house we come to find that my father hid the fact he was diagnosed with a form of a bone marrow issue that he told no one about. Once you looked at the symptoms and causes of what he was diagnosed with it was clear that it was what started all this and he chose to 1. not tell anyone and 2. not get tested to see what treatment he'd need to fix it as it was treatable. Hence why I've come to terms of his death being a suicide by natural causes even though he did try to do it faster with his gun while dealing with the last 2 months of being sick.
ANYWAY
Sorry for that whole ramble but I'll get to the recap listing/new list now.
As far as resolutions go how'd I do from last year? Welllll
1. Getting an actual job - Hasn't worked out yet :/ Between my father and the issues of health and now my mother to deal with I haven't had the ability to get a physical job. I've been applying to remote/virtual jobs but with no luck :c
2. Get a new PC - I have managed to do this :D buuuuut it was at the cost of half the up front coverage of my father's 401k when it got split between my sister and I. There wasn't much and there was no life insurance so I used half for bills and the other half for my PC since my one at the time was dying. I just thought I'd have a job by now to not have money issues x.x
3. MOVE - This was something I was forced to do. I disliked living with my father and sister but she eventually was hardly home especially when my father was sick so it was really down to just my issues between my father and I even though I was there to basically help him and the house. The idea was once the "gf" moved in I could eventually get a job and move out to have my own freedom but obviously that didn't happen. Now I live with my mother and step father which I'll get into later.
4. Learn to drive - Yeah that hasn't happened yet lol
5. Edit and post my story - Also hasn't happened yet XP
6. Have some "fun" - Technically hasn't happened yet either at least in person >~>
7. Be more social online and stream more - Since moving I haven't really been able to stream as much even with the new PC. I just don't have the privacy, schedule of my mother and step father down to make a stream schedule around, or the energy I used to have because of everything going on/that happened. I'd say I'm being more social online as I'm trying to talk to new people and make new friends but at the same time I lost/had to leave a group that revolved around a now ex friend because of their choice in who to love and their age. So while I was having a lot of fun and trying to be more social, I ended up nuking all of that progress and happiness I had because I couldn't condone their actions/choices. It sent me into a dark place and tbh it STILL hurts because at one time I had feelings for that friend and I'm still semi in the dark place, just slowly working my way out. I just also suck at keeping in touch with people and holding conversations so when I meet new people it's hard to make small talk without also playing games or something x.x
8. Get more art especially for stream - This technically was done though really just by 1 piece as I figured I'd have a job to buy more art, emotes, stickers, and such for myself and stream. Only reason I got the 1 art piece this year was because of me trying to pull myself out of the dark as mentioned above and made a new friend who did an art piece for my bday. Still really appreciate it too <3
9. Get to 1,000 followers and do a charity stream - Honestly think this one wouldn't have happened either way but at the time I had a decent thing going for me and had people that could've helped me get more reach to maybe get there. Now I feel like I'm back to square one with the only difference being able to have subscribers and having the few regulars check in here and there every few streams when I do one.
and finally, 10. Lost some/manage my weight - Tbh I don't know if I've really lost any weight but not sure the weight I've gained will stay since it was/is mostly stress weight. Once I start doing some things about my health I'll start to lose it and hopefully what I wanted to lose last year.
Overall this year was literally one of my worst. Lost my father, lost a home, lost a friend and more friends because of that, had my own health decline, and can't even stream like I used to while struggling to find a job I can do. So I'm really hoping 2024 does better for me and following this journal will be my resolution for it since I'm making this just a recap and venting journal.
Thank you for reading this one and hope you'll read my 2024 resolutions :3
1. Getting a job - I have done this but it's not something I can do very easily and not something I want to stay at. It's mostly till I can find something at home that can pay more and maybe lessen my hours at my current job so I can use it to get some extra work/money in. Atm it just pays the bills and gives me food money but nothing I can use to really move out or wildly spend for art or nsfw stuff.
Which kinda ties into 3 and 8 as neither have happened so far nor might happen without a second/better job or getting housing assistance from the state.
4 and 6 also have yet to happen with me working and dealing with family "needs" (or more like their wants) has made doing either mostly unlikely atm.
5. Haven't started on though I really should be x.x
10. Idk if I'm really losing weight or gaining it. Haven't weighed myself but at the same time the pants I normally wear have been feeling a bit looser but at the same time I feel like I look bigger in other areas? Idk it's hard to tell atm.
and lastly, 7 and 9. I doubt I'll get to 1000 followers since I've been so busy and definitely depressed. I still haven't really recovered after everything that happened to lose who I used to hang around with and game and not feel so alone. I've slightly lost interest in playing solo games even though I know I can enjoy them but I've been wanting to stream them so I just haven't touched more than Tiny Tina's Wonderlands and that's only cause I started that back when it first came out for like 3 hours and never touched it again after that till last week. I just don't know how to play games that I want to stream without it being a multiplayer game I can play with the bf and I feel like I can't stream without being pulled away into some bs thing that could be done without me or done later if people would learn to act as if not doing it right then and there would end the world. I also just don't know how to reach out to people anymore and keep a connection going to rebuild a new group. Those I find aren't playing PC or play different games and as much as I want to keep in touch with them they either leave or the talking stops for a period of time that it feels weird to message them again without feeling like a bother.
I suppose I can keep trying to make new friends and maybe I'll be able to stream but I feel like I'm further down the dark hole I found myself in by the end of last year and I'm just not sure I can get out without the help I need to rebalance my social life, stress levels, and the peace I need to finally start being the me I want to be rather than the me I'm being forced to be which isn't me at all but rather just an empty shell existing till my body and what's left of my mind is broken and I'm not sure it's going to take much more till I've shattered or become to broken that I just become to useless to matter.