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Reflecting; Maybe it's time to throw in the towel
a year ago
I don't want this journal to be a complete downer so I'm going to start by reflecting positively on what I've achieved.
My creative journey started early, my 3D drawing skills were pretty unmatched in my grade in what most of you would probably call elementary school, funny enough I was never very good at drawing people. As I got into my teen years I started working on simple mods for indie games and equally simple games made with Game Maker, and later maps/levels for Source engine games. My first furry art was drawn around the time I created this profile. I don't even remember how I came up with the handle.
- I released nearly a dozen Source maps for Garry's Mod and Counter-Strike Source. I think one of my Garry's Mod maps ran on a server one time.
- I released a game development tool consisting of over 23,000 lines of code and developed over 10 years while juggling other creative works and a full time job, to 3 sales and $39 of income. During the final years I had to deal with my parents being on my ass about it not being released and not making money when it did, because they think the only way to exist in the world is to be a wage slave.
- I made a bunch of stupid ass, fun youtube videos
- I made a Starsector mod, it got shit on by the community and moderators just ignored it. Whatever lol
- I've completed half a dozen digital art commissions, which I never would've imagined doing just a few years ago
- Since 2010 I've learned to use various synthesizers and drum machines and OpenMPT to create rudimentary IDM (my melody crafting and songmaking skills are lacking though)
But the point of all this is, nothing I've made has ever actually blown up. Is that because what I create is garbage? Maybe? I don't know and I'm not in an appropriate position to judge it as judging ones own work is inevitably going to be biased in one way or another. I suspect the larger problem is the lack of focus, it's something that's been itching away at the back of my mind for a few years now, there's times where I've considered just dropping all but one thing for the sake of focus, but the idea of throwing out all but one of the things I used to enjoy doing terrifies me still. Which is weird, because the lack of any real breakthrough is getting to me so much that it's taking the joy out of everything when it all feels so damn pointless now.
One of the things that's difficult about taking creating shit seriously (i.e. wanting to make a living out of it off one's own back), and being open about it from the pov of failure is actually nothing to do with the creative process, but rather how to convey frustrations about the difficulties and reception of the results without coming across like it's all about popularity or money. For sure when I started creating stuff it was entirely for fun, but as time has progressed I've realised that the only way to continue being able to create all this stuff is to not be held back by a job that eats all of my time.
So the purpose of my creative works shifted because if the options are to not have time to create stuff at all, or only have time to create stuff on a career-drien point of view, the decision seemed obvious. But working in this way and having to fit everything around a job has taken all the joy out of it, also I think I'm burned out or at least in some weird state of long-term overwhelm.
The other option is to stop taking this i.e. being a professional furry artist, seriously as a potential career. That sounds like stopping taking commissions, but then I'd be unlikely to do free art for others either and if I can find the self-discipline to get things done in good time then there's no reason to close off that path prematurely. Fck knows if I did actually go this route then I would have a VERY long way to go to get fast enough to break even financially.
It doesn't matter anyway because I don't enjoy doing anything anymore, all creative stuff is just a chore, playing new games is a chore, the damn job is a chore (yeah who's surprised about that one), having to exist on this shitty planet in this shitty country and dance to the tune of rich cunts hoarding wealth and going through the bullshit social motions has taken it out of me.
Point is that what I'm doing right now isn't working but I don't know any other way to live. Anything else seems like a colossal effort that isn't worthwhile. I feel like I need to take a step back from everything for like 6-24 months but I have no idea what I'd do in that time and it can't happen anyway because there are rent and bills that have to be paid.
What sucks is that I have it easy compared to many, my job pays "well", I don't live in a country that is currently at war or authoritarian dictatorship, but there are real, serious global dangers that are NOT just "haha terminally online, touch grass" contributing to the feeling of ultimate pointlessness.
I'm going to abruptly stop this journal here before it gets any darker or more doomer-y. Please don't send me a note about this. I'm not putting this here for sympathy, I felt like I needed to get this down somewhere to organize my thoughts in some kind of concrete manner and in a sense give clarity or perspective to my activity on this site.
My creative journey started early, my 3D drawing skills were pretty unmatched in my grade in what most of you would probably call elementary school, funny enough I was never very good at drawing people. As I got into my teen years I started working on simple mods for indie games and equally simple games made with Game Maker, and later maps/levels for Source engine games. My first furry art was drawn around the time I created this profile. I don't even remember how I came up with the handle.
- I released nearly a dozen Source maps for Garry's Mod and Counter-Strike Source. I think one of my Garry's Mod maps ran on a server one time.
- I released a game development tool consisting of over 23,000 lines of code and developed over 10 years while juggling other creative works and a full time job, to 3 sales and $39 of income. During the final years I had to deal with my parents being on my ass about it not being released and not making money when it did, because they think the only way to exist in the world is to be a wage slave.
- I made a bunch of stupid ass, fun youtube videos
- I made a Starsector mod, it got shit on by the community and moderators just ignored it. Whatever lol
- I've completed half a dozen digital art commissions, which I never would've imagined doing just a few years ago
- Since 2010 I've learned to use various synthesizers and drum machines and OpenMPT to create rudimentary IDM (my melody crafting and songmaking skills are lacking though)
But the point of all this is, nothing I've made has ever actually blown up. Is that because what I create is garbage? Maybe? I don't know and I'm not in an appropriate position to judge it as judging ones own work is inevitably going to be biased in one way or another. I suspect the larger problem is the lack of focus, it's something that's been itching away at the back of my mind for a few years now, there's times where I've considered just dropping all but one thing for the sake of focus, but the idea of throwing out all but one of the things I used to enjoy doing terrifies me still. Which is weird, because the lack of any real breakthrough is getting to me so much that it's taking the joy out of everything when it all feels so damn pointless now.
One of the things that's difficult about taking creating shit seriously (i.e. wanting to make a living out of it off one's own back), and being open about it from the pov of failure is actually nothing to do with the creative process, but rather how to convey frustrations about the difficulties and reception of the results without coming across like it's all about popularity or money. For sure when I started creating stuff it was entirely for fun, but as time has progressed I've realised that the only way to continue being able to create all this stuff is to not be held back by a job that eats all of my time.
So the purpose of my creative works shifted because if the options are to not have time to create stuff at all, or only have time to create stuff on a career-drien point of view, the decision seemed obvious. But working in this way and having to fit everything around a job has taken all the joy out of it, also I think I'm burned out or at least in some weird state of long-term overwhelm.
The other option is to stop taking this i.e. being a professional furry artist, seriously as a potential career. That sounds like stopping taking commissions, but then I'd be unlikely to do free art for others either and if I can find the self-discipline to get things done in good time then there's no reason to close off that path prematurely. Fck knows if I did actually go this route then I would have a VERY long way to go to get fast enough to break even financially.
It doesn't matter anyway because I don't enjoy doing anything anymore, all creative stuff is just a chore, playing new games is a chore, the damn job is a chore (yeah who's surprised about that one), having to exist on this shitty planet in this shitty country and dance to the tune of rich cunts hoarding wealth and going through the bullshit social motions has taken it out of me.
Point is that what I'm doing right now isn't working but I don't know any other way to live. Anything else seems like a colossal effort that isn't worthwhile. I feel like I need to take a step back from everything for like 6-24 months but I have no idea what I'd do in that time and it can't happen anyway because there are rent and bills that have to be paid.
What sucks is that I have it easy compared to many, my job pays "well", I don't live in a country that is currently at war or authoritarian dictatorship, but there are real, serious global dangers that are NOT just "haha terminally online, touch grass" contributing to the feeling of ultimate pointlessness.
I'm going to abruptly stop this journal here before it gets any darker or more doomer-y. Please don't send me a note about this. I'm not putting this here for sympathy, I felt like I needed to get this down somewhere to organize my thoughts in some kind of concrete manner and in a sense give clarity or perspective to my activity on this site.
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