Spent some time with my mom last weekend after the funeral. Just seeing how she was doing and all, talk and stuff. She knows about my life and especially the struggles I go through with BPD, communication and told her about recent trials in making/keeping friends and she said something that kinda struck deep to me; that though some of the ways I've gone about confronting some of my (ex) friends in ways that may have made them feel..confronted, weren't good, the fact remains that actual friends, real friends, would have acknowledged how I felt. That I was saying I was hurt and said they're sorry I feel hurt and ask how we can fix it.

And that..really made a sense, to me at least. Granted a child's mother will defend them but my mom always knew when I was wrong, and I never tried to hide my own mistakes either (I use to do 'wrong' things as a kid then turn myself in, and even now, I own up in my arguments about my mistakes in "approaching" an issue I have). But it just..idunno, gave me some clarity. And ability to let go more I think. I hate letting go of people but if they're selfish and self-absorbed enough to not understand when their friend is hurt and trying to say that and just become spikey themselves and sever everything, even after the signs the other has given to show they care even on their bad days? Then maybe they aren't the good person they claim to be, that they think they are. You only become that by owning and fixing your mistakes.

And I've been trying to do that. I've been working on my issues with each person I have a rocky road with lately and, while not always great, its been getting better. And a number of them with a lot more understanding. And I've recovered a number of people I hope to call closer friends in the future too. I feel happy over it, and I'm trying to not let the few selfish dicks who have broken their word to me and try to act like its nothing bring me down when I think about the loss of them. Instead..maybe think about its them losing me. They came to me..I opened up. And they kept abusing my trust. And I tried repeatedly, with the history I've been through, I tried and asked to keep trying because I liked them and cared. And if that wasn't enough for them, then so be it.

It's not the first time, and it won't be the last. Feathers fall out, but they regrow.
I won't let them stop me from flying for too long. That sky is mine.



The line is drawn
I pledge my devotion
There is no turning back
This heart is yours
I sacrifice for you
For you, for you
This is the everlasting
This is immortal

Your words are my inspiration
Your life, an image of perfection
For all you are, for all you've done
I strive to be in your reflection