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About "Malaise"
a year ago
Deleted the last journal because Jesus Christ my brain was in a terrible spot.
Still, I stand by a lot of it.
Right now, I'm still questioning if I do a shit ton of self-sabotage.
The most recent example honestly would be the birthday. In the weeks leading up to it my brain was in an absolutely terrible spot about it, since the last few birthdays were increasingly worse and isolated. I got to where I resolved myself to not announce it; thought being those who knew or cared would press to find out when.
Lo behold, the birthday this past Monday was even more isolating and my mental state further deteriorated until I eventually boiled over per my standards and I started culling. Although my thoughts about culling are likely that I should've elsewhen, I don't think it was fair to do so then.
I know I'm not the most secure person, but it's really a struggle to not be when the people around you have said shit and done shit that aggravates it. Most of it comes down to feeling like I'll become irrelevant to people if I don't constantly have to remind them that I exist, be it posting hot art, or constantly shoving myself in the DMs for others. It's why in the past I've espoused intense frustration with feeling like I've always had to be the one to initiate any sort of group things that explicitly involved myself; those tend to be overwhelming biased towards me as the initiator.
The basic reality of how I feel is that I have a small friend circle, but not really any sense of community, and attempting to nurture one is fruitless.
Speaking of communities (and really, subcultures), as much as I want to, I'm still kinda put off from posting kink content. I just have too much ire toward both in different ways. Towards one, I'm absolutely disgusted with how one handled a particular situation that became ugly from the shitty optics that seeking safety under the pretense of it being drama. Towards the other, being owed a thing from someone years and the frustrations that come from consistently publicly overpromising and underdelivering in spite of a situation just has me irate. Towards both, I just don't really have much sense of community regardless; I just kinda felt here, never worth celebrating, and what and how I like things makes me a perpetual outsider. Outside of that, I just really struggle to actually "vibe" with people, which further hurts my sense of community. Which is tough, but years of feeling like you never really sustainably found your people does that. Also makes me bitter, which is very much a constant fight. IDK what to do about it.
Still, I stand by a lot of it.
Right now, I'm still questioning if I do a shit ton of self-sabotage.
The most recent example honestly would be the birthday. In the weeks leading up to it my brain was in an absolutely terrible spot about it, since the last few birthdays were increasingly worse and isolated. I got to where I resolved myself to not announce it; thought being those who knew or cared would press to find out when.
Lo behold, the birthday this past Monday was even more isolating and my mental state further deteriorated until I eventually boiled over per my standards and I started culling. Although my thoughts about culling are likely that I should've elsewhen, I don't think it was fair to do so then.
I know I'm not the most secure person, but it's really a struggle to not be when the people around you have said shit and done shit that aggravates it. Most of it comes down to feeling like I'll become irrelevant to people if I don't constantly have to remind them that I exist, be it posting hot art, or constantly shoving myself in the DMs for others. It's why in the past I've espoused intense frustration with feeling like I've always had to be the one to initiate any sort of group things that explicitly involved myself; those tend to be overwhelming biased towards me as the initiator.
The basic reality of how I feel is that I have a small friend circle, but not really any sense of community, and attempting to nurture one is fruitless.
Speaking of communities (and really, subcultures), as much as I want to, I'm still kinda put off from posting kink content. I just have too much ire toward both in different ways. Towards one, I'm absolutely disgusted with how one handled a particular situation that became ugly from the shitty optics that seeking safety under the pretense of it being drama. Towards the other, being owed a thing from someone years and the frustrations that come from consistently publicly overpromising and underdelivering in spite of a situation just has me irate. Towards both, I just don't really have much sense of community regardless; I just kinda felt here, never worth celebrating, and what and how I like things makes me a perpetual outsider. Outside of that, I just really struggle to actually "vibe" with people, which further hurts my sense of community. Which is tough, but years of feeling like you never really sustainably found your people does that. Also makes me bitter, which is very much a constant fight. IDK what to do about it.
It might be that I have buried myself in a new job so that I always have work to do. Or it may be that I am finally finding a niche in the community. But I will say that it does get easier. Not at first, but it does. There are still days I wonder why the hell I am even a furry at all, and I know that many of the people I talk to will not message me first.
But there are people worth talking to. There are friends I thought I would have nothing in common with that have confessed they really enjoy my company when I thought they hated when I messaged first.
I know my experiences aren't universal, and that your situation is different than mine. But if you ever feel like you need to reach out. I am more than happy to be a shoulder for you to lean on. And I hope things turn around for you. ❤
Honestly, I thought having a full time job would at least alleviate the previous feelings, but if anything it's made the "irrelevant unless I shove myself' thoughts stronger now that the time and energy for any sort of eye candy is minimal for me.
Socially, there's a few people that I'm inclined to call friends because of the whole mutual engagement and initiation thing, but beyond that, not really? There's this whole thing with conflating between friendship and friendliness (in the same way one conflates taking on the aesthetic of a culture with the being a part of the culture the aesthetic is derived from) that I think happens a lot (least by my terms), and I wouldn't be surprised if it produced an asymmetry with regarding how I regard people versus the reverse. End result being plenty of people I can enjoy the company of but have absolutely zero personal affect to otherwise. There's definitely a lot more to this, but time is functionally finite.
Now, I'm definitely not entirely alone; there's definitely people I feel close to, but there's definitely gaps in their availability that just absolutely sucks; life and all that. Shame mental health isn't something you can just push to a more convenient time.
As I mentioned above, everyone has different rules they play by. What may work for some might not work for you. You just have to find something that works. Personal example: my biggest improvement I've made is saying "but that's okay" or "and that's okay" whenever something bad happens. It doesn't always work, but it has helped. My best friend for 13 years, sometimes I struggle with our friendship. He can get on my nerves more than anyone else and sometimes I even wonder if he still thinks of me as a friend or puts up with me because I am part of the friend group. But that's okay, because I still try to make the effort to connect with him and he still wants to be around me. And if he didn't, well then I guess I'd just move on despite the sting it would cause.
Nothing is ever going to feel perfect for long, gaps in availability are unavoidable. When I got back from my trip to Atlanta, I wanted to tell my mother about all the fun I had, but she was busy with her husband and my brother so I told her I would just tell her about it later. And then after a meeting this week, I got to visit her because I was in town. It wasn't a perfect time to catch up, but I cherished the moment while I could.
But you've done the first part. You've identified that you feel there's a problem and you have listed some causes. I can't give you an answer that will make you feel satisfied, I'm sorry. And I don't feel like leaving a short novel posted on your journal. But, I can say once more that if you want to talk about it, please message me. I'm very willing to listen to whatever you want to talk about. I may not be around 24/7 or a perfect person to help with your issues, but it's always nice just having someone who wants to listen.