I don’t know what I want with this character anymore. The pain of losing my partner, and the pain of the sexual assaults, abuse, bullying, and scapegoating that has been happening the last few years is enough.

I don’t know what I want. What I do feel is that my new fursonas are fresh to me. Untainted, and unscarred by the past. That as Sencha and Savaii, I feel happy. That these fursuits give me a renewed hope I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I started making some music after wearing my new fursuits, and I’ve never felt so whole. The ideas do not feel stunted, they feel like solids. There is some kind of healing, a feeling that reminds me of who I used to be before the furry community left me battered and broken.

For Sherbert to come back, some people would have to apologize to me. This city would have to offer me redemption, and to not hold me back based on things that I can’t control. I never try to be involved with conflict, the issue is that mental health is taking hold over me, and when I can’t communicate correctly, it gets lost in translation, and at that point, people don't want to be around me anymore. They’ve already made the wrong idea about me.

Not to say that I don’t admit mistakes, but my accusations of others are not mistakes, and I want people to stop acting like I should stop coming forward about things. What people don’t know is ever since I came out about being raped, people on my rapists side have been contacting people I work with, and getting to them to pull me from DJ gigs. I am beyond stressed. It’s like no matter where I play, my promoters, or hosts find out, and get dragged into the drama, just because I came forward about an unfortunate incident I didn’t want to follow me around in the first place, I just want justice. This happened years ago, and it still comes up constantly.

Some people in the music industry have told me if I want to get booked more, I need to shut the hell up, and just let go of the things that have happened. That I have to sacrifice my mental health, and be a DJ, or be honest, and get nothing. These people are taking no responsibility for safety, or care of their people. I don’t understand why we can’t just be honest, and foster the safety of our DJs. If we are honest, then maybe our guests would be too, and we wouldn’t be dealing with so much assault, or harassment at our events.

I am a vulnerable non binary person in the lgbtq community, and I know for a fact I’m not the only one who has been through the hell that I’ve crawled through. There are many more like me, and many furries in their teens, that are gradually becoming the next generation of furries. Are we really going to keep perpetuating this cycle of not doing anything ? It is going to affect them, and if we continue to do nothing, we are going to have to take to our graves that we did nothing to help them, and that the cycles of abuse can keep going. Don’t tell me that it can’t be completely fixed. I know that. There will always be rape, but the amount of harassment, and assault happening is not small. There are no excuses for doing nothing. We can absolutely be doing more to lower the number of these incidents.


I’m not saying Sherbert is over, but I am debating, and thinking. The character doesn’t excite me anymore the way it used to. I’m too hurt inside to really feel that connection. I do not know if I can continue to be this person that you want me to be. I am broken, and I am saving up money to leave Seattle, whenever I can. This community has hurt me, and I need a new start. Im beyond disappointed in everything, and If I can’t heal this place, I won’t be staying. I am not going to be a stain on a community that wronged me, I’m going to continue to be an advocate for the end of rape culture. For being a survivor, and I’m going to go where I can heal. I’m done with all of the bullshit, and scapegoating. I’m done not getting what I deserve.